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Original poster

Think DH lied/played away

27 replies

confusedupset · 24/06/2013 09:21

Not sure where to start and am terrified of the replies as deep down I know I am being a mug.

Last year DH and I went through a very rough patch, I posted under a different name. The general consensus was that he had either cheated or had his head turned. I think the latter...well I did. We worked through our problems and have been getting on better than we have in a long time (been married 6 years, together 10 and have 2 small DC)

So this weekend he went away, on Thursday I found a condom in his bag (I wasn't snooping), when he returned it was still there (we have used this bag for weekend away etc, was one of ours - had same date stamp etc). Once he had unpacked the condom found its way back into the drawer where we keep them. I asked him about it......and he looked like a startled rabbit. I just sense he was lying about it.

Long discussion after kids had gone to bed..........I tend to know when he lies (he is rubbish at it) so I think his reassurances about not having cheated are true, however I think he lied about the condom.

I am swinging from asking him to leave (which I did initially) or that I have serious trust issues and that's why he reacted. I do have issues with trust and ironically found out my previous long term partner had cheated.....you guessed it by a packet of condoms that were not ours.

I have started to arrange some relate counselling (either for me or us both). He was very patient last night, kind, chatted for ages, he was very upset that I could think that.

I just do not know what to do.

OP posts:
bragmatic · 24/06/2013 09:26

What did he say about the condom?

Original poster
confusedupset · 24/06/2013 09:29

Initially when I told him there was a condom in your bag....was there? Yes I said.then he said he found it in there and so put it back. It's his initial response that threw me. We believe he has aspergers so his reaction can be off, but this was something else.

OP posts:
bragmatic · 24/06/2013 09:36

So at first he pleaded ignorance and then acknowledged that there was indeed a condom...but only after you said you'd seen it?

Sorry, sounds like he is hiding something.

Original poster
confusedupset · 24/06/2013 09:46

Yeah I know Sad

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 24/06/2013 09:59

Where did he tell you he went on his weekend away? Who did he say he was with?

Original poster
confusedupset · 24/06/2013 10:09

He was definitely where he was supposed to be. There are photo's from about 10 people on facebook. I do not think he cheated this weekend or planned to. I think this is most likely from the trouble we had last year.

I just wish I knew 100%, then it would be easy. I don't want to destroy my family on a gut reaction.

I'm so sad, keep being sick, am at work as I have to at least be in the building today. My best friend works here and she knows a little but I can't even speak about it.

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 24/06/2013 10:24

Sorry you are going through this. I know that sick to the stomach feeling very well.

Without knowing what happened previously to arouse your suspicions, it's quite difficult to comment.

Has his behaviour changed again lately? Stuck to his phone etc etc.

Was there a specific OW that you were worried about in the frame?

Were the people he was away with likely shaggers? Or were they people you know and trust?

Without knowing more details surrounding, it's difficult to say.

Do you have access to his phone/emails efc?

alphacourse · 24/06/2013 10:30

Do you think he took it "just in case"?

Original poster
confusedupset · 24/06/2013 10:44

No change to his behaviour at all. Since last year I have checked is phone alot occasionally - nothing on there and he doesn't know how to delete call logs etc.

Last year he told me he was unhappy, not sure he wanted to continue. We were not getting on at all, I had a lot of stuff going on. It was a really bad time for us. Even at that time no other signs.

The people he went with, hard to say, don't think it was this weekend. I think it had been in his bag for a while, forgot it was there? Panicked when I found it.

Arghhhh wish I could switch my brain off!

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedupset · 24/06/2013 14:24

Waiting list for relate in our area.

Not sure i can ever move on past the doubts. Think that's it........game over. Sad Sad

OP posts:
Umlauf · 24/06/2013 14:34

FWIW confusedupset, apart from his reaction it doesn't seem too much like he has done anything wrong, and it's posible his reaction was because he was worried you were accusing him and panicked, not because he had done anything but because he panicked about having a painful conversation with you. There are plenty of condoms in the suitcases in my parents loft (gross), they are the sort of thing that hide in linings and pockets and are easy to forget about. You say you use the bags for weekends away, it does seem to me most likely it was there from before.

I don't think you should be hard on yourself for being paranoid though, if he broke your trust and you never had 100% proof from the last time it is easy to see how it has been hard for you to move on. Essentially you will always have that in the back of your mind and will be extra alert. I hope you are OK and can get to relate son.

Twattergy · 24/06/2013 14:49

To me the condom thing does not sound suspicious. Surely the bigger issue is what he told you last year about wanting out of the relationship. I imagine you stillare not clear whether he wants to be with you or not. Work on that feeling in counselling. You need to know for sure that he wants to be with you. Once you get clarity on that, you'll know what decision to make.

Original poster
confusedupset · 24/06/2013 14:54

Thanks Umlauf - I keep swinging from what you have said to thinking the worst. In the past he has always owned up (not talking affairs or anything but he cannot keep things to himself, so for instance if he was chatting to a pretty girl on a night out he would tell me, not to be mean, just because he is very honest).

Who knows. Might go and see my friend tonight.

I'm ok, doing wonders for my diet (managed half a chocolate bar today), everyone at work keeps giving me odd looks. I'm the manager and I think they think I'm cross about something, tried to explain I'm just not 100% today but they are not daft!)

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedupset · 24/06/2013 14:55

Twattergy - your user name made me smile. I think you may well be right.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 24/06/2013 21:50

Can you link to your earlier thread?

FWIW, I think you've got very good grounds for your suspicions. He lied about finding the condom and putting it back and you've had no resolution to his flakiness last year. But if I'd seen a thread where a man was saying he wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship any longer, I would have also suggested there was someone else. Don't think I've ever seen a thread like that where there wasn't.

SirRaymondClench · 24/06/2013 22:09

I think if the condom was suspicious and he realised it was in the bag he would have thrown it away not chucked it in the drawer.

Leavenheath · 24/06/2013 22:15

More suspicious to find a perfectly good unused condom in a bin than unnoticeably returned to the box they use at home. Even more suspicious to feign surprise about it when confronted. Seems obvious he was hoping the OP hadn't noticed it.

cronullansw · 25/06/2013 04:17

Hang on...........

He went away with a load of mates, there's stacks of proof, but because there was a unused condom in his bag, which he put back in the correct storage place, you've asked him to leave.

Nope. I'm not getting this.

He plainly did nothing wrong, and you want him to leave?

TheRealFellatio · 25/06/2013 04:32

Well he didn't use it, and assuming he only took the one condom with him he didn't go away with the intention of having lots of sex with one particular person, but I suspect he took the condom as a 'just in case' measure, if he hooked up with a one night stand. It sounds as though he isn't having a regular affair but that he is open-minded and hopeful of a random one-off shag.

Do you really think there is a possibility it could have been left behind in the bag from a previous use, like when you've been on holiday together? Or is that too far fetched for you?

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 25/06/2013 08:04

How are you this morning confused?

Blondie1969 · 25/06/2013 15:25

If you were going to "possibly" have a one night stand on a weekend away. Would he not have taken more than one condom?

I am with a few other people that it is left over from previous use.

peggyundercrackers · 25/06/2013 16:37

i agree with cronullansw - he has done nothing wrong other give a wrong answer. i find it strange you want to leave him over that.

noddyholder · 25/06/2013 16:48

I agree withbfellatio he still sees a weekend away as a possible opportunity. A bit stuck in singledom in his head

Leavenheath · 25/06/2013 22:20

Aren't posters barking up the wrong tree here thinking that the OP associates this stray condom with his most recent trip away?

She's said clearly she does not, but that she suspects it's connected with suspected infidelity last year, that caused his 'wobble' in the relationship.

She says about the condom:

I think this is most likely from the trouble we had last year.

cronullansw · 26/06/2013 00:08

In which case, hasn't op already made a decision on this matter?

As in - move on, get over it? Or next time op remembers something, they'll be back in the same place.

As op says, ''serious trust issues''.