Husband's possible alcohol problem. Unsure how to deal.

[pianodoodle]

Hi there,

I'm sad that we've only been married 3 years and it has come to me thinking that I may have to consider splitting up, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel or how other people deal with this effectively (or not)

For a while I've thought my husband has had a problem with alcohol but only really noticed it might be a problem 2 years ago after DD was born. I put it down to him taking a bit longer to be more "responsible" and because it was only on occasion felt it didn't really qualify as I don't know much about these things.

We are both in our early 30s and I don't drink (I get migraine).

From about a year ago it has been more of an issue I noticed if there was alcohol in the house he couldn't seem to moderate it.

When he has too much, he becomes obnoxious. He can barely function and does silly things for example gets baby undressed for a bath, doesn't run the bath then starts putting tights on her. It is a nuisance as I often can't persuade him he is not fit to handle her at all and he will get grumpy like I'm being unreasonable. The pattern is that this sort of incident will happen every couple of months, he will be sorry and not drink, but it always creeps up again eventually.

It's the fact that he drinks in irresponsible situations that worries me. I'm also aware that he has hidden vodka from time to time.

I don't want to wait until DD is old enough to either be frightened by the wierd behaviour or start asking him what's wrong and maybe for him to become obnoxious with her too someday.

I sort of know what I'd be saying if I was on the outside looking in - I wouldn't be convinced by the latest promise and would be advising myself to leave perhaps, but I really don't know.

Also, I am 3 months pregnant.

A friend has suggested counselling. My mum is very fond of my husband in general but obviously isn't impressed and is starting to say things like "take care of yourself" and "this might never change"

I'm a sensible sort of person - I think! I know what I don't want for my children growing up and feel that maybe if this sort of thing rarely changes maybe I should be thinking of leaving. I don't want to be a mug and also a lot of resentment has been built up now particularly to do with trust and it is hard to get past.

The latest time was where I had to fly home for a funeral of a close relative and flew back that evening to find that after a month of no drinking he was passed out on the sofa with DD. I could have done with some support after a difficult day and this one has been hard to forgive.

Didn't mean for this to be so long sorry!

Any advice welcome xxx

op whatever you decide, your dp should not be left in charge of your dd when under the influence. he is not fit to care for her and could put her at risk.

Definitely do not leave him in charge of dd. He fell asleep drunk with her on the sofa? That's awful, very dangerous for your dd. Counselling might help, it might not, but you need to confront this now. In your situation, I think I would want him to leave while he seeks help. Does he realise how serious this is?

The 3cs of alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I suppose you married him in the hopes he would somehow grow up a bit and be more responsible now he has a family - fat chance, it was never going to happen. His primary relationship is with drink and has been for a long time, perhaps even predating your own relationship with him.

Your children and you are not and have never been at the top of his priority list, its drink and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

Alcoholism is a family disease as well, you're just as much caught up in his alcoholism as he is. You're playing a role in his alcoholism as well and you are enabling him. You are also on the merry-go-around of alcoholism.

Its bad enough that there is one child already caught up in this overall dysfunction but I note you are pg again. You certainly cannot leave your DD at all alone with him. You'd be better off without him around you. He is not safe to be around your child, what if there was an accident or he dropped her?. You would blame your own self.

He has likely promised you much indeed but words are cheap and alcoholics are expert at denial as well. He is likely badly underestimating how much he is drinking.

Is this really what you want for your children; is this what you want their childhoods to be like?. What do you want from him?. He will not change for you or anyone else. Unless he wants to help his own self there is nothing you can do to help him. Besides which he does not want your help in the first place and you are too close to the situation to be of any real use.

If you really are a sensible sort of person (and there are often elements of co-dependency within a relationship with an alcoholic so I would read up on co-dependency as well) you will separate from this man ultimately. Bringing up two young children alone will be hard going but your H will continue to drag you and your children down with him otherwise. Being raised in a household where one parent is an alcoholic could leave both your children with a whole host of emotional issues; ones which they could carry over into their own adult relationships.

Your friend has suggested counselling - is this for you?. Counselling for him would be a wasted effort but you could certainly talk to Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers. Reading their literature would certainly be helpful to you.

You have a choice re your H - your children do not.

Thank you so much everyone.

I was appalled at the sofa incident and haven't trusted him since. I believe he put DD to bed then started drinking, but obviously she has woekn up and he has just brought her out to sleep on him and fallen asleep himself. I felt awful especially as when I took her to put her back to bed he didn't even flinch. I had all sorts of awful images in my head of her crying and him not waking - of her coming to harm in some way, I'm sure you can imagine.

I also don't know about counselling as has been mentioned. He is going to go to AA this week, but I have to say I don't feel cheered much. My understanding is that if doesn't really want to stop drinking altogether, that not even a wife and child/children will make a difference to that.

He is aware of the implications of continuing like this, and is (of course) all tears and apologies, no doubt he feels remorse, but that doesn't mean it will make difference.

I've recognised lots of classic denial in the arguments we've had in that for someone who is normally super intelligent the logic he has used over his alcohol use has been terrible - clutching at straws on lots of occasions.

I'm grateful for the replies I'm currently having my phone grabbed at by a 2 year old so will do a better job of replying when she's in bed :) x

No trust - no relationship.

He has to want to stop drinking for his own self. If he is being made to go to AA because someone else or you have told him to, then it could well be doomed to failure. Even if he did go of his own accord, he may well not continue with AA long term. These people can say all the right things and all the things you so want to hear but words are cheap and its actions that count.

I would seriously now make plans to separate from him and I never write that lightly.

Oh I forgot to say - no I didn't have any idea it would turn out to be like this unfortunately. I wouldn't have married him if I'd suspected :(

It does go back though. His parents are aware (more than they let on I think) so this has indeed been an issue in his past.

I appreciate the honesty here.

I used to assume he'd be smart enough to know when he was taking risks and be more aware of the consequences, but from what I've experienced so far, this sort of thing doesn't discriminate according to how generally "intelligent" you are.

Lots of people have said "he's such a clever lad I don't understand it" but I think I'm starting to understand it and I don't like the outlook.

It might seem overly practical but my thinking is that I want to decide soon rather than be one of those people who wait and wait. If it's going to happen I'd rather it was before the children are old enough to remember. It isn't that there isn't love for him, but I've lost so much respect and besides that children must come first.

pianodoodle I could have written your post three or four years ago, right down to returning home to find husband passed out while in charge of one of our children. Another time he left them in the bath unsupervised. He didn't see it as a problem as he couldn't focus on anything except drinking more alcohol. He too is considered very "intelligent". His parents knew there had been problems in the past but chose not to tell me.
Everything AttilaTheMeerkat says is spot on. He might stop if he goes to AA, but he might not. Or not now. I decided that I couldn't wait. It was driving me mad. The gaps between drinks eg a month at a time, were awful as well. I was always waiting for him to fall off the wagon. Being a single parent was hard, but much more peaceful than living with an active alcoholic. Even our children agreed.
You could try Al-Anon - it helped me understand the nature of addiction a lot better and I wish I'd gone earlier. It certainly gave me the strength to stop putting up with things the way they were. I got a lot of support from fellow members and also from a number of other people.
Good luck x

Not much to add. Except to reinforce what Attila and others have said.

My own ex had alcohol problems for a long long time. I trusted him far too long and too often. I left him with the kids (who were very very young) after he had sworn off drinking, and would come home to him passed out, in no state to look after anyone never mind a six month old and a 2and a half year old

I was foolish (with the benefit of hindsight), I shouldn't have trusted him ever after I realised he had a problem with drink. I now know that anyone who has a relationship with drink always puts that first. it's not a choice ; after all it is an addiction.

After 10 years we are now split up. My life is immeasurably better even though I now have to look after the kids virtually alone. If I'd done it 5 years ago it wouldn't have been too early.

I reckon one ultimatum is enough, and then it's time to not live together. It's not about telling someone what to do; but it is about deciding what it is acceptable to live with. And I now realise that living with an active alkie is just a downward spiral for everyone; including those who have no choice - ie the kids.

Squeegle and EarthtomajorTom thanks for sharing that it really does help.

I have also shared the problem with his parents in the hope that, as social workers, they would be able to help him but I was a bit surprised to find that they weren't great and I suspect would rather bury their heads in the sand about it.

If anything, the long gaps between "incidents" does make it harder as has been said. It has kind of built the normality back up again only for another big disappointment.

It will be nearly a year since I first set out (and so confidently too!) what I would and wouldn't tolerate from a relationship in very blunt terms and yet here I am with the same scenario. It looks so silly seeing it written down!

I'd also be thinking "why did she get pregnant again?" but again it's just been the whole long periods of everything seeming wonderful. The day I found out I was pregnant again was of course another "wake up call" according to him. That was 2 months ago though, and the latest episode was last night. Today he's "given himself a shock" and really knows now that it can't go on and won't blame me for deciding to leave etc.... Yes I feel sorry for him, but I don't believe it.

I think I will look into the practicalities of a separation and start taking some steps.

Not much to add to the great advice except to say that Al-Anon really can help.

Many alcoholics do recover and go on to lead happy, successful and responsible lives, but as you say it's only after they have admitted they have a problem.

I wish you all the best. Keep firm on what you think is acceptable and stick to it. Don't try to manage the problem for him, he's got to do it alone.

It doesn't seem silly at all. Life doesn't come with a handbook, how were you to know how things would go. You just did your best and were optimistic when times were good. You have a tough road ahead of you. It probably sounds unlikely now but your toddler and your new baby will help help you focus and deal with what's to come. You are putting them ahead of him and that makes you a great mum. Good luck!

You've all been brilliant I'm all weepy now but have had a good chat, explained everything and also how I feel we do need to separate.

He understands and isn't happy, but I feel I'm doing the right thing and will sleep easier tonight.

He started talking about something called antibuse as something that would make me certain he wasn't going to drink but I don't think that's going to be a quick solution.

I've still decided that while there's even a slight risk of any accident happening if (when, I think) another big binge comes I'd rather in wasn't in this house...

Definitely agree re the not in this house thing. You sound very sensible and pragmatic. I think it is very very sad; but in the experiences I've had, there is never a wrong time to take on the responsibility of deciding what you will or won't accept in your or your children's lives.

Antabuse is a drug I think that makes you sick when you drink. IMO a drinker has to decide to stop drinking. In my exs case, after he eventually was persuaded to leave, he went on a 4 week long binge. I was only happy it wasn't in our house. At this point he realised he really might die, and there was no one any more to pick up the pieces. He went back to AA and hasn't drunk since. (2 years now). It was too late for our relationship, but I am pleased he is sober now. It's funny though; that could only have happened after I had truly detached. I didn't before that- I was always trying to save him.
BTW there is a v good website called sober recovery. It has a section for family and friends. I found it enormously helpful. It helped me to strengthen my resolve. Made me realise it was down to me to make the right decision for the kids as they could not, and he was full of twisted alcoholic thinking and couldn't be at all relied upon- however credible he seemed.

My ex was an alcoholic. Like you I also couldn't leave my DS with him as he couldn't be trusted not to drink so heavily that he'd pass out.

I was very young and put up with it for far too long. It was more like having two children to look after.

He'd lie about drinking all the time and even stole drink. His family would always try to minimise it because I think they didn't want to believe he had a problem.

I cried so many tears in that relationship. All I wanted was a nice family home for my son. I would never have achieved this with him though.

You cannot stop an alcoholic from drinking. The lies and the reckless behaviour wear you down and nobody deserves to have to live like that.

I left him when DS was 3 years old.

He didn't maintain contact with our son as he was too busy drinking. It was very upsetting but for the best that my son didn't have an abusive drunk in his life.

Seven years later he got in touch with me. He'd hit rock bottom and was finally seeking help for his drinking. He'd finally realised and admitted to himself that he did have a problem. This only happened after him being hospitalised numerous times and being told he would die if he carried on drinking.

He started seeing DS again and was making a real effort to build a relationship. He bought him gifts and always turned up on time to see him and everything seems to be going well.

I did notice though that he didn't look well when he'd meet up with us, but I put it down to him coming off the drink.

Seven weeks after he'd started seeing DS again. I got a phone call on Fathers Day of all days to inform me that sadly he had died.

The years of drinking had destroyed his body so much he was beyond help.

I'm actually crying typing this as it was such a waste to a man who had so much promise. He was intelligent, funny and caring when he wasn't drunk. He was an amazing writer and adored his son but the drink always came first.

When dealing with alcoholics you must put yourself and your children first. Alcoholics prioritise drink over everything and will continue hurting you and letting you down.

I wish you all the best and I empathise fully with how hard you will be finding this.

I meant to add also that he was only 31 years old. He wasn't an old man! I just wanted to highlight how much damage drinking actually does!

That's so tragic it really does make me think about how glassy eyed and ill DH sometimes looks....

The thing that helps is that of the stories of people have told, even though it's terrible, I don't get any sense that the person wishes they hadn't split up.

I have had lots of messages from DH from his work this morning saying how he can bear the thought of losing us etc... But to me, he has said this before and I can't go back on this now or I'm not helping anyone, and it definitely wouldn't help him.

That's so tragic it really does make me think about how glassy eyed and ill DH sometimes looks....

The thing that helps is that of the stories of people have told, even though it's terrible, I don't get any sense that the person wishes they hadn't split up.

I have had lots of messages from DH from his work this morning saying how he can bear the thought of losing us etc... But to me, he has said this before and I can't go back on this now or I'm not helping anyone, and it definitely wouldn't help him.

hi pianodoodle,
im a longterm lurker here nd i registered because of ur thread.
i urge u to get out now. they never change ever. i am just out of an 11 year relationship with 3 kids and he is an alcoholic. nd has been all his adult life. i too thought he wuld change with the responsibility of children. he didnt. in fact got worse ovr time. living with the uncertainty nd awful consquences nd constant on edge of when there goin to break out next is an awful life. i wish u the best nd i know its scary but i so wish i got out sooner. they rarely change.

I hope you're recovering now greeneyedgirl 11 years is a long time.

I know the title says "possible" alcohol problem but really, there's no room for doubt here is there? I'm glad no one has dismissed the level of anxiety it causes either as I know his parents are likely to try and minimise things so am preparing myself for that.

A family friend (on my side) had his wife leave him and their 3 children after 20 years when he asked her to choose between them an alcohol. She recently died (of liver failure I think) and didn't recognise her own children. It is a terrifying thought. The youngest child is in jail for various offences relating to drugs and his dad's heart is broken. I'm sure how he has turned out is in no small way related to watching his mum constantly paralytic :(

I confided in this friend the first time I found a bottle of vodka hidden under an armchair at home. He went so quiet and sounded very surprised but then started asking other questions like how often DH would go to bed later than me etc...

Little things I'd barely noticed until they were brought to my attention!

It was from then on I started being more vigilant and suddenly thinking back to other occasions that didn't add up and wondering exactly how many times he had been drunk and I hadn't even known. It felt like finding out he had been cheating and since then I've found I can spot lots more signs and lies but it's one thing having all your suspicions confirmed and another thing to start acting on it.

I'm not at all surprised so many people end up in very long marriages with alcoholics. I used to be but not any more.

He has also told me he went to the doctor years before he met me about this problem so it is a definite that this isn't something new :(

My dh and his sisters are survivors of a childhood destroyed by alcoholism. They all have battle scars, not one of them has a normal relationship with alcohol whether as high functioning alcoholics, co dependancy issues etc and my poor dh has fairly massive self esteem issues too. All children growing up with alcoholics are damaged one way or another. Please don't allow this to be the story for your own children.

pianodoodle I definitely have no regret at leaving my sons father. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner.

I was lied to, stolen from, he even took my sons money to buy alcohol with.

He was a very nasty drunk too and on occasion got extremely violent.

Regarding the message from your DH: If he doesn't want to lose you then he needs to lose the drink.

You're right, you're helping nobody if you take him back.

A year after I split up with my sons father I was still finding bottles hidden all around the house. He would also go to bed a lot later than me so he could drink in secret. It was a dreadful time.

I know I used to think it was funny that he stayed up to play Xbox some nights now I know why he was really staying up!

He's also stopped by the pub with DD in her buggy on the way home from taking her to the park which I hate. I only found out when I walked out to meet them one day. He said they were at the shop and on the way home so I walked that direction the whole way and no sign. He only admitted they were at the pub when I called back and it annoyed me not being told the truth about where my daughter was.

The reason for hiding the drink of course was "you've made an issue of it now and I knew you'd be like this".. Yawn

The reason for hiding the drink of course was "you've made an issue of it now and I knew you'd be like this".. Yawn

My ex told me it was because I nagged him so much. Obviously it was all my fault he was an alcoholic

hi pianodoodle.
i too am so relieved having got out nd i wish i had done it sooner. i am nd have been fir a while attending counselling fir myself. i needed it to find the strength to ask him to leave for good and to find out why i got into tjis relationship nd why i put up with it for so long. i hid his drinking and all the problems it caused from family and friends. only recently i started to tell people. they knew already but me daying it out loud to people made it more real.
his family minimised to an extreme. in a family of 6 siblings, 5 of them have serious alchol problems. they did not care abt me or there grandchildren, just that they did not want to have to deal with him.
you need to rally your own troops, ur own family and friends. because blood is thicker than water. you need support. it will be hard, but not as hard as living with an alcoholic.
my ex just before i threw him out, left our kids alone to go to the pub while i was gone to a ftiends for coffee. our kids are 9,5 nd 3. he was always a pub drinker rarely drank at home. but countless benders. etc..
i wish u all the very best.
thinking of u