Husband's possible alcohol problem. Unsure how to deal.

[pianodoodle]

Hi there,

I'm sad that we've only been married 3 years and it has come to me thinking that I may have to consider splitting up, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel or how other people deal with this effectively (or not)

For a while I've thought my husband has had a problem with alcohol but only really noticed it might be a problem 2 years ago after DD was born. I put it down to him taking a bit longer to be more "responsible" and because it was only on occasion felt it didn't really qualify as I don't know much about these things.

We are both in our early 30s and I don't drink (I get migraine).

From about a year ago it has been more of an issue I noticed if there was alcohol in the house he couldn't seem to moderate it.

When he has too much, he becomes obnoxious. He can barely function and does silly things for example gets baby undressed for a bath, doesn't run the bath then starts putting tights on her. It is a nuisance as I often can't persuade him he is not fit to handle her at all and he will get grumpy like I'm being unreasonable. The pattern is that this sort of incident will happen every couple of months, he will be sorry and not drink, but it always creeps up again eventually.

It's the fact that he drinks in irresponsible situations that worries me. I'm also aware that he has hidden vodka from time to time.

I don't want to wait until DD is old enough to either be frightened by the wierd behaviour or start asking him what's wrong and maybe for him to become obnoxious with her too someday.

I sort of know what I'd be saying if I was on the outside looking in - I wouldn't be convinced by the latest promise and would be advising myself to leave perhaps, but I really don't know.

Also, I am 3 months pregnant.

A friend has suggested counselling. My mum is very fond of my husband in general but obviously isn't impressed and is starting to say things like "take care of yourself" and "this might never change"

I'm a sensible sort of person - I think! I know what I don't want for my children growing up and feel that maybe if this sort of thing rarely changes maybe I should be thinking of leaving. I don't want to be a mug and also a lot of resentment has been built up now particularly to do with trust and it is hard to get past.

The latest time was where I had to fly home for a funeral of a close relative and flew back that evening to find that after a month of no drinking he was passed out on the sofa with DD. I could have done with some support after a difficult day and this one has been hard to forgive.

Didn't mean for this to be so long sorry!

Any advice welcome xxx

Thank you! The thing is this has been kept far too under wraps, so not everyone knows and a lot will be very surprised.

I was advised that by not making it open I am also not helping him. When my friend had problems with his wife, the culture was very much that so-and-so "likes a
drink" but not much was made of it but it shouldn't be like that.

As we are (were?) saving for a house deposit, we rent, and at Christmas got very lucky when I found a lovely house that is just perfect for kids and in a great area. We would not get such a nice place on the rent we can afford this is a once off - the landlord lived here for years and liked us as prospective tenants. We are paying less than he could have reasonably asked for these reasons.

It sounds very materialistic but I'm so scared about losing this place for my daughter, the stress of another move etc...

It hasn't put me off knowing I'm doing the right thing but the practicalities are all a bit scary :(

Trust me, the stress of a move is nothing compared to the stress you may have to go through with an alcoholic who is spinning out of control.

It is very important for you not to hide this problem - addiction thrives on secrecy. And of course, if his drinking is 'normal' then you talking about it shouldn't cause anyone else to be surprised, should it?!

I guarantee that his drinking is far heavier than you realise. He can seek help and he can - eventually - have a meaningful relationship with your children but he seems a very long way from admitting yet that he has a problem.

Yes you're right of course x

He does admit it. Just has kept avoiding getting proper help. Makes me think it will definitely get worse.

Admits what? Do you mean he says he's sorry afterwards? Not really the same thing. I think he is sorry, but not enough to get help. So the net result is the same as far as you're concerned - the drinking goes on, the unreliability escalates, and ultimately it doesn't matter in the slightest if he says he's sorry.

He's mentioned Antabuse above - perhaps seeing it as a get out of jail free card. But he's not made an appointment with the GP today, has he? Isn't it more likely he's testing out words to see what will make you stay?

Tribpot yes quite possibly. Making suggestions to me isn't actually him doing anything concrete, and besides which I can't give him the answer as to whether it will help or not as I don't know myself!

He has admitted he has a drinking problem, but seemed to think he could just sort it himself.