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Original poster

More MIL issues

30 replies

prufrock · 04/02/2004 18:14

OK - before I start I am pregnant and hormonal, so prepared to accept that I am being unreasonable here - just tell me gently OK. This is going to be long and rambly so apologies in advance.

Background. My MIL is very sweet, but inhabits a totally different universe. She split up from FIL over 20 years ago. DH is oldest son, one other who is v. useless, and DH has always (since he was 5) been her protector. When dh and I were first together we lived with her for 6 months whilst waiting for the flat we had bought to be built. We see her about once every couple of months, she has babysat for dd (21 months) twice. Once was a weekend when dh was away and I was very ill with pregnancy. Apart from 2 hours when she took dd out to park (and brought her back with frostbite) she really wasn't much help to me - constantly undermining me by lavishing attention on dd (she spent an hour running round after the little monkey trying to put her vest on), and competely out of touch with how to look after a toddler (she always had nannies when dh was small). She even left her alone in the bath to come and ask me questions.

We are about to move out of London. She has decided she wants to leave her house in Kent and move nearer to us. We have already lent her 25k to enable her to buy the house she is in now, and will have to lend her another 75k to enable her to buy something similar near to where we are going. The money is not a big issue for us(I know we are very fortunate) but it does annoy me that she seemed to take for granted that DH and I would provide it, and still spends money as if she is v. rich (I mean - she considers it an economy to buy Tesco own brand champagne and groceries instead of having Harrods deliveries) She has also continued to be Lady bountiful, lending her other son 10k to put on his play, and giving a friend of hers 2k to help them out. When she moved into this property 1 year ago she bought brand new furniture, curtains, towels etc (top of the range stuff) which does annoy me when I am trying to cut back our unnecessary expenditure at the moment.

So that's the background - now the problem

We move on March 22nd. I give birth on April 23rd. There is a chance I will be hospitalized beforehand, and we have asked if she would mind coming to stay to look after dd if that happens (she will be going to nursery 2 days and dh will be able to work from home quite a lot so she won't be by herself). She has assumed that this means we will be happy for her to stay after this baby is born as well, and has now said that she may as well put her house on the market now, then she can come and stay with us whilst she gets settled in the new area and looks for somewhere to buy. I don't want her to be living with us when I bring my new baby home. I want it to be just me, dh, dd and new ds for at least a few weeks (dh will take 2 weeks off work). DH thinks I am being unreasonable, but I just know that I will not be comfortable with her in the house all the time, and she won't be as much help as dh says she will be as I know I will not be able to trust her with either dd or new ds. Am I really being mean to tell her to go home now we don't need you any more? Or do I have a right to peace and quiet in my own home at what should be such a family time?

OP posts:
bundle · 04/02/2004 18:20

no no no no no no no no no no noooooooooooooo.
she musn't come & stay, especially because it's so open-ended and she sounds pretty unpredictable, not the sort of person you would want to rely on at a sensitive time. I've tried to imagine what it might be like from her point of view, but given your description of her I really can't imagine what makes her tick..

Angeliz · 04/02/2004 18:23

I would tell her straight but in a nice way. I'd say that living together would probably end in arguments and you'd hate to fall out but you appreciate the offer!

spacemonkey · 04/02/2004 18:24

God no, you're not being at all mean or unreasonable. I would feel exactly the same. Not sure how you can deal with it tactfully though - but surely DH can see that when you come home with the baby, that is your family time and MIL would be an intrusion?

Angeliz · 04/02/2004 18:24

i couldn't do it in a MILLION years!!
I hope you sort it out so you can start thinking about happy things

bundle · 04/02/2004 18:25

angeliz, what a great idea, it almost sounds like a compliment, put like that

Angeliz · 04/02/2004 18:29

thanks bundle, my dp has 4 brothers and 1 sister so i'm used to these situations!! If they all came to stay i'd be going mad!!!

hmb · 04/02/2004 18:31

Gawd Above! Does she realise how lucky she is to have you and your dh baling her out! I think that you have been saintly to date and taking her in could be a looooooooooooooooong commitment. Before you let your dh 'pressure'you into it, make sure he spends an afternoon with his mum and your child, without you. That way he will see that she can't cope, and put this request of her's into perspective.

binkie · 04/02/2004 18:39

I am just wondering whether the issue isn't a bit confused by the fact that you have asked her to help with your dd when/if you are hospitalised, so it might seem - don't know if she is this sort of person, and am absolutely certain you aren't like this - that you are happy to have her around when you have a clear use for her, but not when you don't? If you don't want her under the roof when you come home from the hospital - and I agree it is a precious private time - then perhaps you should find a different emergency carer for dd? Or is she the only one dd might be happy with? Or, having asked her, de-asking her would be worse?

Sorry if this is off the mark.

Jimjams · 04/02/2004 20:51

OMG nightmare. No she musn't come and live with you. Be firm!

Batters · 04/02/2004 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twiglett · 04/02/2004 21:05

message withdrawn

Metrobaby · 04/02/2004 21:45

Prufrock - don't do it. When my dd was born my MIL and FIL came to stay for just over a week. I can truely say with a new baby that I was only just starting to get to know, it was awful. I hated it and couldn't wait for them to leave. For me it gave me un-necessary stress, and I used to feel awful as I knew they were trying to help by doing the housework etc but honestly on hindsight I'd rather not have had the help at all. PIL are great with toddlers but used to get quite stressed with baby crying.

AussieSim · 04/02/2004 21:58

Don't do it. My PIL had to bring me and DS home from hospital as my DH had a 48 hour bug - and I was devastated. When we arrived home I just wanted them to go. Of course they stayed and made me feel really uncomfortable. The one thing I concretely said would be helpful (doing some ironing) was a complete disaster and ended up going undone (apparently my MIL prefers to have washed and dried the clothes she irons).

I hope I am not too blunt in saying that it sounds like your DH could be more supportive of you and more open & communicative with your MIL.

WideWebWitch · 04/02/2004 22:25

Prufrock, haven't read any replies but IMO you have an absolute right to peace and quiet in your house once you have the new baby and there's nfw she should be allowed to move in, lock, stock and barrel while she 'gets settled'. I wouldn't lend her the 75k either personally, if I were trying to cut back, but maybe that's just me? (I'm teasing you!)

Original poster
prufrock · 04/02/2004 22:31

binkie - that's why dh thinks I'm wrong to be upset I think. But it would be v. difficult to unask her for beforehand - and I am actually OK with having her stay with us whilst she finds a place to live - I just don't want that period to cover the first few weeks when I bring my baby home. But I don't know how to say "I do love you, I want you to be closer to us and the kids, but just leave us alone for this bit of our lives" and dh can't understand why I want to say that. Also a very close friend has just died (cancer only 54) so she is fragile at the moment and dh doesn't want to upset her. Actually dh never wants to upset her - he feels very responsible for her.
Batters, the money isn't an issue really - her will is structured so we get it all back eventually - it's just that I think my resentment about her relying on us so much, and taking for granted that we will always bail her out (finacially and practically) does colour my feelings towards her. I think in a way I'm a bit jealous of her and dh's protective feelings towards her. I want to be the only pathetic female that relies totally on him In fact I think that is a big part of this - it's never before come down to whether he puts her needs before mine, and in this case I have a suspicion he is doing so.

OP posts:
binkie · 04/02/2004 23:34

Now I understand - I thought you mightn't want her living with you at all.

You sound like an unusually (amazingly) kind and considerate daughter in law - lots of people in your position wouldn't hesitate about whether they were being reasonable or not (and yes, you are being entirely reasonable). Sounds also like your dh is used to you being the soul of sweet reason so can't understand why you can't (as perhaps you generally do) put others' needs ahead of yours this time (ie, yet again). I see what others are saying about it being his job to tell her - but I'm not sure he would necessarily get the message right. Have you ever had heart-to-hearts with her? Do you have a sense of how she might react if you said to her just what you've said here, that you just want a chance to settle into your new family shape and get to know each other - you could say that you feel it is terribly important for dd and/or that you remember wishing for a more peaceful time with your first and you don't want to lose this chance - but it's only for [specify time] and then you would all welcome her back with open arms (even giving her particular date)? My own experience is that people can react surprisingly well if you're brave enough to confide honestly ... and if she is offended, well then you've still been kind and truthful, and she's bound to realise it in time.

Dh says "send her on a lovely cruise".

Jimjams · 04/02/2004 23:41

Gosh prufrock your a much nicer person than me.

Is there anyone she could visit for the first few weeks that the baby is home? Does she have any friends, or could she take a little trip.

handlemecarefully · 05/02/2004 08:32

As you know its a really 'delicate' time after the birth of new baby: bonding with the new arrival, older siblings adjusting to new arrival, non stop feeding etc - baby blues. I wouldn't even want my own dear old mother staying with us for any length of time directly after the birth of a new baby, never mind my MIL. I'd perhaps feel differently if the timing was different - but not in that 'delicate' period immediately after having a baby.

Btw I think its bang out of order for your MIL to accept £75K from you and then give hand outs to other people. My blood pressure would rocket in those circumstances.

nutcracker · 05/02/2004 09:14

I couldn't and wouldn't even consider it, it would be my worst nightmare.

twiglett · 05/02/2004 09:21

message withdrawn

Batters · 05/02/2004 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hercules · 05/02/2004 13:01

My mil stayed with us for over a month after dd was born and it was a total nightmare. She is used to having servants do everything and has never DS did not get on with her at all as we have not brought him up in that culture and she expected him to be subservient to her and hug and kiss her all the time when he doesnt even know her. It ended up with her crying in sympathy with dd every time she cried and her wanting to hold her when she wasnt feeding and not allowing me to do this. We had lots of arguments as funnily enough I wanted to bond with dd and the help I needed was with housework etc. SHe caused far more work for everyone, was no help and always trying to get ds in to trouble with dh. A much more better time to visit is when the baby is slightly older not newborn. If I was you then fight your case , you are not being unreasonable and can never get back this precious time again.

I am not a mil fan btw in case you didnt notice.

arabella2 · 05/02/2004 13:02

I think the new baby thing is a tricky one. I agree with twiglett when she says that the older generation do not understand our need for privacy at this time. When ds1 was born I had asked my parents to come a few days later (they live abroad and would have come to stay around the due date) which they agreed to but in the event he was born 9 days early and they were here. However I had the first night in hospital and then they never stayed the night at my house because they rent a flat nearby (they are over every 4 to 6 weeks which also took some getting used to but is another story!). My MIL came to stay when ds was 2 days old. She stayed for 10 days (in our house) and then I mortally offended her... she had asked one of her sons to come and pick her up (she lives about 1.5 hours away) and then asked me whether I wanted her to stay. I responded that she had really reassured me (which she had on some occasions, but I was also pissed off at constantly going upstairs to breastfeed and feeling that my every move was being watched and that she was there in some way to "protect" the new baby with her experience (which with 6 children and at that point 5 grandchildren before ds, she did have)), but that I wanted to see if I could manage just ds, dh and I. She got very upset later and we kind of had a showdown the next day where she said that dh was her son... I got upset as well because I didn't think I was being unreasonable and I thought I was the one who was supposed to be hormonal, not everybody else. Anyway, it took a little while (2 or 3 months) for us to get over that and things were a little frosty until then and I think we are now (26 months later). In our case it was also a culture clash because my MIL is Indian and in India the grandmothers would be around for quite a while - certainly longer than 10 days. I think a natural time to stay for my MIL would have been about 3 weeks but she may have curtailed it after 2...
Sorry, I'm going on and on... it's also an issue on my mind at the moment because I am due with baby2 at the end of March and know that it will be grandparent city here again for a while. Have got to finish this later as ds1 is waking up... I am getting to my "pearl of wisdom" promise!

hercules · 05/02/2004 13:08

Dont want to take over this thread but my fear is when fil dies my dh wants mil to live with us here!!!!! She is from Srilanka and we are completely different generation and culture. For her the mother is far more important to dh than anyone else and so she will talk over me and ds if we are talking to dh, walks into our bedroom without knocking, I could go on on and on. I dont see how our marriage could stand this as my dh worships her and will never ever do anything to in any way upset her. He thinks that I should understand this as he doesnt see her much and she is old, cannot change etc etc.

aloha · 05/02/2004 13:12

I don't want to scare you, but are you sure she actually would EVER move out if she came to stay with you? After all, what motivation will she have to look for a new property, go through all the hassle etc if she can have a really long open-ended stay with you? I would feel very uneasy about it myself.