Ex moving in with new girlfriend and her kids

[Crazyex]

Okay- need some perspective please (nc'd)
Ex met new woman (year since split and other girlfriends before this one- as well as during the marriage but hey). He stayed over there with her two teens and 5yr old after a week and our kids (2 primary and one secondary aged) met her for a day out without her kids four months later and they've met her and her littlest DC once more since then.

He's been living with his parents as well as staying at hers and now he's told me he's moving in. He only has kids randomly during day times and is now proposing they can stay over at new woman's. It's a tiny three bed with three kids in already in the most notorious road in town with regular criminal activity and one google searh showed an 11yr old recently mugged down the road.

I'm not comfortable with my three staying over there on camp beds on the floor with no space of their own and not even their dad to themselves. Apparently I'm being unreasonable. He lets me down at the drop of a hat if he wants to get at me and doesn't want to have the kids with more than a day's notice in case I get free childcare for work or 'social life'.

His parents are happy for him to have them there as usual but he refuses once he's moved in to hers. Not sure what to feel or do tbh. It really is the shittiest of shit areas with no space at all and they have plenty of room here and I'm not sure what they would gain by sleeping on his girlfriend's floor every now and then when he can spare a minute.

Thoughts- gently, are appreciated?

If he has moved in with her then that is his home.

I'm not comfortable with my three staying over there on camp beds on the floor with no space of their own and not even their dad to themselves

He has a new family life now. I don't see, in this economic climate, how you would expect someone to be able to afford enough bedrooms for each child.

What would you like him to do? not see them? I think you are unreasonable to expect him to run back to his parents for a weekend 9or what ever your arrangements are) - he is making a new life with this woman and her first family.

They've met her twice. Clearly I know they can't have rooms but there's been no thought as to how they might be helped to adjust. He won't even give me two weeks' notice of when he wants them. Seems like my kids are the one doing all the compromising. (From what he's said it also seems like he's only moving in cos he doesn't like living at his mums. We spilt mainly due to his temper and aggression as well as infidelity)

It all sucks really.

And they've only known each other 6 months. Is that not really soon when kids are involved?

it sounds like a good time to get a formal contact agreement in place that addresses both of your concerns. Something regular, consistent and reliable. Something your kids can learn to expect and adjust to, knowing it won't be whipped away from under their feet in a month or two - he can make requests for overnights, but you can clearly request a regular pattern as well. Why not suggest you meet halfway, with a regular e.o.w or e.w routine in place building up to overnights in the none too distant future? Solves half of your problem with his inconsistency and will help your children in the long run to settle into their new step family?

FWIW I know how badly this sucks and I feel your pain x

That would be ok with me but he works irregular shifts so won't/can't commit. He is also so full of rage for me finally standing up to his EA that he can't bear to let me have any 'time off' and I quote 'facilitate your social life'

He's moving in the next few weeks apparently. It also pisses me off that she is prepared to have home move in (and has been asking him for 2 months now) without thought to how all kids may be effected or even getting to know the mother of his children who will essentially be part of her new family- she obviously doesn't give a shit about my kids.

Don't mean to sound awkward but this is hard.

You can't stop them going to see him, it doesn't matter how unsuitable conditions are with NRP's or how unstable a new relationship is, courts will nearly always order them to go there.

However, he has absolutely no right to not have a firm, consistent contact arrangement both for his children's sake and for your's - you need to stop talking to him and put everything in writing. Suggest a specific date and time each week/ month/ year/ whatever time frame as long as it's consistent and regular and tell him that you will not agree to overnight contact in his new place until he firms up proper regular arrangements, which is in the interests of his children. It is utterly unreasonable to not have proper notice and even our family courts will recognise he is being unreasonable by refusing to agree a regular contact.

If he lets you down again, you can put in writing why you are withholding contact for a specific amount of time until he gets his act together to ensure that the contact he has is consistent and stable. Let him take you to court, you have proof that you tried to arrange regular, consistent contact and that he messed you about.

The court will still order contact (because they bend over backwards to give NRP's the benefit of the doubt), but if he lets you down again, they will be much less sympathetic to him.

My guess is that it won't come to that. His gf won't want your kids in her overcrowded house and he will put his relationship with her above the needs of his dc's. He clearly isn't interested in their welfare - he wouldn't be so hit and miss about contact if he were - and I suspect that if he thought you were getting free time and leisure from him dumping his kids on his gf, he'd be less inclined to do it. To say nothing of the fact that she'll probably get his number once he's lived with her for a few months and won't want to be his babysitter.

BBE and Choco you are both most wise!
Would the courts expect a regular pattern of eow if he clearly can't do that because of his irregular work pattern?

It's rubbish that he can't commit to a regular day.

You absolutely do not have the legal or moral duty to fit in with his shift patterns.

If he's working on a pre-arranged contact day, he can arrange babysitting - I'm sure his parents or his new GF would be delighted to help.

You can be flexible and agree to changed dates out of goodwill, but you absolutely don't have to - you have a right to have a social life and an economic life.

There must be some kind of shift pattern. And if not, as a parent he has the right to request one so that he can see his kids.

Loads of other shift workers manage to organise their work so that they can see their kids.

No I don't think the courts insist on EOW - they just want to see that it's regular and consistent.

It doesn't have to be the same day, they know people work shifts - but they will want to see from him, that he's made an effort to make it as consistent and regular as possible and doesn't let them down at the last minute.

You should probably go and see a solicitor. Most of them will give you a half an hour free advice.

Yes it will be a bit crowded but there isn't much anyone can do about this for the time being. He can hardly go out and buy a seven bedroomed house so everyone can have their own room. I agree with people who are saying a more formal contact arrangment is needed because you are obviously feeling a bit messed around with the current arrangments.

I didn't want to be the bad guy and withhold contact- didn't think it was my style as although I have concerns about his temper, language and lack of emotional intelligence, if he's not stressed with actually being a grownup then he can manage to entertain them for a day. It's when he has to feed them, get them to bed etc and run a house that he gets moody.

I don't think I can live like this though. I'm on edge all the time and I'm working full time too in shift work. I tried to sort it so that he has them when I'm working or rearrange my shifts to fit in with his but with no notice I can't, so have to pay for or beg for childcare.

When I ask him for a couple of weeks notice I get told that I'm controlling his life and am jealous.. I'm only jealous of his freedom and rent free life back home. Like you say, she will find out how he punches walls when annoyed and swears sarcastically and angrily at the kids when irritated.

I just want my kids to grow up as little screwed up as possible but don't know what to do for the best.

Contact is for the kids to have a relationship with their dad, not because you have a right to a social life, and this is how the courts see it (I do think you have a right to a social life, but contact isn't seen as respite for the RP).

Courts would be unlikely to state that contact had to be the same day due to his shifts, but that wouldn't stop a contact schedule being built up around his shift patterns.

I agree that you should see a solicitor and get a structured contact in place.

She doesn't need to meet you & you can't pass a judgement on what she has or hasn't thought about - you have no idea.

It might not be ideal, but it's not as though your kids are living there or are even there every weekend.

Let your children decide if they want to go there or not.

You are (understandably) hurting :( but you are making this into a much bigger drama than it needs to be.

If your kids are free when he asks them and they want to go then fine, if not simply say 'they aren't free at such short notice'.

If you want to go out then get a babysitter/parents/his parents - whatever.

Yes he's being a jerk 'not facilitating your social life' but you can't really be surprised after the way he treat you when you were together can you??

My only request of him is that as soon as he gets his rota, that he tells me what he can do and we mutually agree with 2-3 weeks notice. I didn't think I was being unreasonable but he does because then ill be able to plan a little of my life

My other request was that once agreed, he sticks to it - also not happened so far

Thing is I don't have much of a social life anyway- it's him that goes on about that, not me. I have friends willing to sit if I did want to go out but I'm not really bothered right now. Just don't like to not know what may or may not be happening this week.

It is shit. It is unfair. He is being a complete twat.

However, you can only control your reaction to it - you can't change him - more's the pity.

It is completely unfair that you as a responsible resident parent shoulders all the financial & logistical crap while he just plays at being a Dad when he feels like it. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any way to make someone responsible.

All you can do is arrange your work around the cheapest childcare you can :(

You can know what is happening though - whatever you say is happening. HE can see them if it suits you and them. End of.

You could point out to him that your friends will babysit for you at any time and you really aren't reliant on him for a social life; as he doesn't have the power to facilitate your social life, only people he is hurting by letting them down at the last minute, are his children.

This may sink in and he may realise he can't control you this way.

The problem is, it is very bad for the children to be let down at the last minute. It sends them a clear message that they are not very high on the list of his priorities and that is pretty crushing for a kid looking forward to seeing his daddy.

They have a right to see him - he doesn't have a right to see them.

Chip- you're right and I have actually got things sorted mostly. However, I'm currently planning the next few weeks at work and will have to use childcare at weekends. If then he wants them I'll have to say no as cant mess sitters around. If I knew now then it might be better for the kids??

Oh well, definitely a no win situation really. Still not keen on them camping out like refugees in an area where it's barely safe to walk the street. I'll have to suck it up soon I guess (although if I stall for a few weeks, this might all become moot!)

X post- I have said this BBE and think its why his nastiness has escalated. His last bit of control is gone

Crazyex - I would book the childcare you need for the next few weeks. If he wants to see them when you have a sitter, HE gives you the money for the sitter (as he is the one who wont commit in advance) or he doesn't see them. You retail control, he has a choice. He will eventually come to realise that either it 'costs' him to have them or he doesn't see them. He's messing you and the kids around, you can only stop him messing you around by making alternative arrangements for childcare until he grows up and you can only stop him messing the kids around by being firm and not relying on him.

Will do- thanks all for not just repeating his mantra of me being the 'crazy Ex'. (Actually today I was called a sanctimonious cunt!) nice.

I know technically he can see them and do what he wants but that's not necessarily best for them at all and I seem to be the only one trying to put them first.
Exhausted now- night!

Git. How long were you with this twat?

He can only see them when you say he can see them though (it needs to benefit them, not him) and it would do him well to remember that and it would be good for you to be less obliging so that he realises that he doesn't actually have any control over you or the children - and that in order to see them he needs to behave like a decent human being and speak to you like a decent human being... he doesn't sound ever so bright so it might take a while, but he'll get there in the end.