Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to end a perfectly good relationship for no real reason?

39 replies

Indecisive90 · 22/06/2013 21:18

Title might not be strictly accurate, it's not that good and there are some reasons but overall I'm not unhappy. Bit of background - I'm 23 (so is he), been together 4.5 years, met while we were at universities 200 miles apart then lived together for two years and now live apart but near each other. I'm not really sure if I'm 'allowed' to post here since I don't have children but I think this is the kind of thing mums would be good at advising on and I don't have that sort of relationship with mine.

Basically for the last year things haven't been great. I moved out hoping that seeing each other less and having more quality time would help but it's just not really fun any more and things are irritating me more, not just his habits but opinions on quite important things too. The sex has gone downhill too, he's my first but it was good to begin with, now it just feels awkward I know this is probably natural and bound to happen in any relationship but I don't really see us ending up together and I feel too young to 'settle' (hate that word, it feels so awful to say cos he's a lovely guy). But I would really miss him and I don't have a lot of friends, all my close friends moved away recently so my social life is rubbish. And like I say, I've only been with him, I wouldn't really know how to meet someone or be with anyone else. I would be really lonely without him and I don't want to hurt him but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to stay together. It's so hard to end it though, we've been together since I was 18, I don't even know how to be without him.

Sorry, this seems so trivial in comparison to some of the threads on here. I just need to get it out somewhere.

OP posts:

Dackyduddles · 22/06/2013 21:28

Hello, gosh. Sounds complicated. I'm 36, I'm telling you this because I don't know how old I'll sound. Your 23. So you've been together since 18. That's just 5yrs. That might seem long to you but in terms of life together it's nothing. I don't know what you think will be different. You don't live together, so essentially life will be like the nights you don't see him but without the guilt. Some celebs are married & divorced in this.

End it. Life is more than this. It's bigger than this. It's better than this. Be kind, but move on. Lets be truthful, you have really you just haven't admitted it.

Dackyduddles · 22/06/2013 21:29

Put it another way, if you thought HE wrote your post would you want to stay?

RiotsNotDiets · 22/06/2013 21:32

Dump him.

It'd hurt him more if you stayed together, got married and started a family and you ended up resenting each other because the love just wasn't there.

(I'm the same age as you but already have a child and am getting divorced. Take it from me, you wouldn't be doing either of you any favours staying in this relationship)

Chubfuddler · 22/06/2013 21:33

You should have ended it properly when you moved out.

You don't want to settle (quite right) and I really doubt he would want to be someone you settle for. You both deserve so much more than that. Move on, kindly but decisively (in other words no pity sex in a couple of weeks when one of you feels lonely).

mrsminiverscharlady · 22/06/2013 21:34

It doesn't sound like a perfectly good relationship, it's sounds as though it's past its use-by date. Yes, you'll probably feel lonely to start with, but I think you'll also feel very relieved. You're so young and life is so short - too short to waste on a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

Lweji · 22/06/2013 21:39

Essentially, you are not happy. You were unhappy enough to move out, but you didn't feel the strength to let go and finish it.
But the relationship seems dead to me.
At this stage you should be looking at how to be together, not moving out to sort it.

The best for thing for you and him will be to finish it off now, even if he doesn't appreciate it.

Original poster

Indecisive90 · 22/06/2013 21:54

I didn't expect such quick replies, thanks for taking the time to answer.

I should point out that I do spend half the time staying at his, I moved to be closer to work too (I can't drive yet) not just to leave him. My post just lists all the negatives, we get on and I do love him. Just not sure if I'm in love with him still. Is there really better out there? I hate to admit it but I am a bit scared of being single.

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 22/06/2013 21:57

At 35 I am realising it is better to be single than in an u satisfying relationship.

Hopasholic · 22/06/2013 21:58

I think you change quite a lot between the age of 18 & 23. You probably are just maturing at a different rate and want different things.
If its not right now then it's probably never going to be.
You are still young and have so many wonderful times and opportunities ahead of you. Be proactive, what do you like doing? Are you working? Don't worry about meeting another man, you have plenty of time to think about that one!
I am in my 40's and believe me, the freedom and spontaneity you have in your 20's is something to cherish!
just going to put kids to bed and pick up towels & pants off floor

RiotsNotDiets · 22/06/2013 21:58

The sex shouldn't be awkward. It probably gets less frequent over time in most relationships, but you shouldn't feel uncomfortable or awkward shagging him.

You sound like you want to be friends rather than lovers, this wouldn't happen right away, there would probably be some anger and upset first, but as long as you're both mature about it you could be friends once you're both over it.

tribpot · 22/06/2013 22:01

Some people meet 'the one' when they are 18. But they probably are something like one in a million. Most people do not stay with the person they met at 18 and it's because you are still learning who you are and want you want - and your outlook will change massively over the next ten years.

Staying with him because you still care for him but are afraid of being single is disrespectful of him and wasting both of your time.

You will miss him. Life's like that. But you can't stay because you will.

Diagonally · 22/06/2013 22:04

Relationships can last for a few months, some for many, many years. But they are always finite.

If it comes to it, it's hard to be the one to call it a day. You always feel guilty initially if you think the other party is less inclined to want to end it.

However, if you value honesty and fairness in the way you treat others, and would like to be treated the same way yourself, you make a clean break, and you don't look back.

Make plans for what you might do to fill your time and meet new people. Book club, dance classes, scuba diving, whatever works for you.

Get out there and live your life. You won't regret it.

Original poster

Indecisive90 · 22/06/2013 22:56

I am working but my contract ends in 5 weeks. I have an exam next week and if I pass I can apply for jobs but at the moment I have nothing lined up. I'm really stressed with studying and I might have to move for a job so that's worrying me too. I don't really want to make this massive decision right now in case my mood's affecting things.

We have discussed our problems, I'm not just coming on and bitching about him. We've agreed to think about it after my exam. I actually thought I would get replies telling me to give it another go so that's given me more confidence if we do break up.

OP posts:

BOF · 22/06/2013 23:01

You have every right to end this, for whatever reason. You'll never meet the love of your life if you are tied up in this; it sounds like you've just outgrown it. Be brave, and fling yourself into life. You will not regret it, I promise you.

Ginger4justice · 22/06/2013 23:17

I met my DH at 17. We are now 28. I don't have a wealth of advice but just to say that what you are describing is not just "natural and bound to happen" in my experience.
Our relationship has had hard bits and feels a bit more comfortable boring than when we first got together but I don't recognise anything in your post about our relationship.
I would say give it another go if you had more history and kids and more entwined lives generally as i do think that love is sometimes a chore while your emotions come and go but honestly if it's this hard now....

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 22/06/2013 23:40

I think you should end it.

It's not easy to end it, but what's the alternative?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/06/2013 00:01

It's not a "perfectly good relationship." You need to end it as you've clearly outgrown each other. It's come to a natural end and you are staying together out of fear of loneliness.

Move on. Leap and the net will appear. You'll be fine. (cliches but true)

JazzAnnNonMouse · 23/06/2013 00:22

But there is a real reason. You don't want to be with him. That's reason enough to end things IMO.

DumSpiroSpero · 23/06/2013 00:38

^... not just his habits but his opinions on important things too...?

When you are in your late teens/early twenties, those differences can seem exciting.

When you are in your thirties, sharing a home, negotiating work and raising children together those differences are a monumental pain in the arse.

You don't have to be with someone who is exactly like you, but having a fair bit of 'stuff' in common gets more and more important the further down the line you get.

If it's that much like hard work now, get out. Use the time/energy you've been spending on your boyfriend to make new friends instead.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/06/2013 09:24

It's not a 'perfectly good' relationship at all, you're just settling because you don't think you've got anything better on the table. The longer you delay ending it, the less motivated you'll be to move on, make a new life, meet new people etc.

Wanting to end a relationship is a valid reason for ending a relationship. Never think otherwise.

Cherriesarelovely · 23/06/2013 12:42

You seem as if you have outgrown one another which is perfectly normal. I totally understand how painful it is to admit that and the loss you feel even thinking about being without him but you WILL be fine in the end. You seem as though you may be moving on to different places with your job anyway and you will meet other people.

If it helps I broke up with a bf at about your age, he was a truly lovely person but he was more of a friend than a bf. The breaking up part was very hard and sad but, after a couple of months I had started to move on. Fast forward 20 years we are friends and often meet up with our families. He is with a wonderful woman who makes him really happy and so am I!

mrspaddy · 23/06/2013 12:49

I am a totally different person in my thirties than I was in my twenties. I think your heart is not in it.. you are still so young. My one bit of advice is don't end it then get back and break again. That is my only regret from my twenties. End it.. be strong.. go travelling, get your career on track so that when you do meet someone you won't be wishing for single status and freedom. Enjoy it.

YoniBottsBumgina · 23/06/2013 12:50

You have grown apart, nothing wrong with that, it will be painful saying goodbye but it will be a good, clean, sort of pain if that makes sense.

I hope that you will remain friends but don't try to force it.

Go out and live your life :) Being free, single and 23 is fantastic. Enjoy yourself. Move to a new place, maybe even travel for a bit? You will be fine, really. You can expect a lot more from a relationship than this, and you should if it's going to be your whole life. There's no rush to get into that particular relationship, either.

ALittleStranger · 23/06/2013 13:54

Very few people end up with their first love. This is a starter relationship and it sounds like it's come to it's natural conclusion. It will be hard obviously because you've spent the time when you're establishing yourself as an adult in a relationship and now you'll have to work purely on yourself. The good news is everyone seems to be breaking up at that age so you can have lots of fun with newly single friends.

Original poster

Indecisive90 · 23/06/2013 21:51

I think you're probably all right. What if it's just a blip though? I've been reading the 'being single' thread and maybe I'm not as young as I think I am, what if I don't meet anyone I get on with better? He's kind and hard-working and at the beginning we did have a real spark, is it worth giving that up? I'm worried I'm being too picky.

I'm quite shy and don't have many friends (I know a lot of people from uni and work but for some reason it never develops into a friendship where we meet socially. I don't have anyone I could call and go out with. Usually if I go out it's with him and people I know through him.) or much confidence so the thought of being single doesn't make me feel free or excited. I'll also be moving back in with my parents and potentially unemployed so I just feel like a bit of a failure all round at the moment. He's probably the best thing that's ever happened to me but it has changed recently and I'd hate to carry on as we are and turn round in 20 years and realise it was a mistake.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread