It should be a wonderful day but I'm dreading it

[mongolianomad]

My dd has invited her father to her wedding. I divorced him after it came to light that he had stolen from my parents both while they were alive and from their estates after their death. He ruined the last years of my father's life. He racked up massive personal loans in our joint names that I had no idea about, re-mortgaged our home (also without my knowledge) till it was worthless. He stole from clients at work and ended up doing a spell as a guest of HM prison service. I ended up homeless, penniless and liable for half his debts. I was a physical and emotional wreck. It took me years to fire-fight all the f......... mess he left me in and rebuild my life.

The thought of having to see him brings everything back up so that my heart is racing, and I feel physically sick. How the hell do I cope on the day. There is no way I will speak (or that my family will speak) to him but I honestly do not know how I will manage this (without valium and vast amounts of alcohol anyhow). I love my daughter dearly. I want the day to be how she wants it to be. But I am really struggling with this.

I have nothing constructive to say but wanted to say wow what a great mum you are being so supportive of your daughter on her wedding day.
What a horrid situation for you.

Oh mongolia, what a horrible position to be in. You are entitled to feel so strongly about his presence at your dds wedding.

But... It's going to happen. You can deal with this. You are a tough woman who has fought back and won. He will not spoil this for you because you will not let him.

You should be extremely proud that your daughter has the heart to invite him. You must have brought her up so well for her to do that.

Enjoy the wedding. Revel in the fact that you are the winner.

Am so sorry about this. It must be so traumatic:

If you can possibly afford it I would book some counselling sessions to concentrate on learning "mindfulness" (staying in the moment and not allowing past/future to creep in) and some CBT anti anxiety strategies managing the day is obviously a priority.

Avoid alcohol at all costs...it will make it hard to practice the strategies that you learn and would dis-inhibit and depress you.

If you can visit the venue before the wedding do so, see if there is a suitable bolt-hole (or 2) where you can go to breathe and regain your composure.

make sure there are a couple of people who will look after you as their first priority (who can be trusted to keep off the vino enough to do the job well) they are there to guide you away from pressure points, get you to the safe places if needed and should be equipped with make-up and tissues for running repairs.

Will your DD discuss plans with you before?...will you be making a speech? Will her dad? You may need to think about whether you would be able to sit through his reinvention of the past? Or whether a tactical withdrawal would be best.

I am full of admiration that you will do everything you can to make your daughter's day special.

The best revenge is a life lived well...show him that he did not destroy you and that you are the better and bigger person.

Take a friend? Walk through it in your mind? Valium? Counselling? You are so brave. I salute you.

Only half joking about valium. I had a tab when I had terrible dental fears and it did take the anxiety away. The thing is you want to be present in the day. You need support. And don't drink.

Thank you so much everyone. I am going to be doing a reading at the wedding as is DD's new MIL. I don't think (and really hope) my ex will not be making a speech. I can't visit the venue beforehand as it's too far away. But yes I will get someone to be my 'minder' if at all poss. I am proud of DD Finola but also angry that he's being invited after all he's done to both myself and my family. You are right about the alcohol. But I think I'm going to need some valium just to stop my heart racing and feeling sick. It's so easy for me to be taken back to those dark days after the shit hit the fan and life as I knew it just imploded completely.

Gosh, no wonder you are dreading this. As others have said, just remember what an amazing strong woman you are.

I think talking to as many family and friends about how you feel may help. Sharing our worst fears can be a useful coping strategy.
My exH was nothing like yours but sometimes dealing with him brings on horrible stress and those physical symptoms in me (like tonight actually) so I know what you are talking about.

In case you can't get to counselling try this Practising the exercises helps to make them easier when we are stressed...anyway, you are already stressed about the thought of the wedding. You might like to associate the techniques with a certain scent (lavender, rose....something else, a friend uses sun protection cream as she associates it with relaxed holidays!!)

When it comes to mindfulness, there are a number of great short practices that help us be more present to our lives. here are three key mindfulness practices that can help us pause and break out of auto-pilot emotions.

1. STOP

Here is a simple practice that simply guides us into pausing, being present and opening up to what matters. Here is an adapted version of this practice:

S ? Stop.

T- Take a few deep breaths.

O ? Observe your experience (Body, Emotions, Thoughts).

P ? Proceed :What is most important for me to attend to right now??

1. RAIN

This practice allows you to investigate the difficult emotion buit to separate it from you and not be overwhelmed by it.

R ? Recognize the feeling.

A ? Allow it to be as it is, without resisting or clinging to it. ?Breathing in, allowing, Breathing out, letting be.? (breathe in 7, out 11)

I? Investigate : look at the emotion just as it is. This is not an analytical inquiry, but instead a sense of feeling into the experience. Here is where you may apply a warm and caring attention to see where it is in your body. Notice how big it is, what the shape of it is. You might ask,?What do I need right now?? Here we can arrive at some perspective and wisdom to decide how we might go forward with it.

N ? Not me: We?re no longer identified with the feeling, it is occurring within our awareness, but it no longer controls us.

whoops...only 2, but I think enough??

As hard as it might be, would it be worth considering having a short meeting with him before the day itself. It gets the whole seeing him over and done with so if you need to run out of a room and scream you can. It might bring all your anger out and it is better to do that ahead of DD day than it suddenly surprise you.

Also, I know nothing about your DD, but assume she is quite young. When I think about myself when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, I think I was sometimes a bit self centred and didn't fully understand other people's feelings to the same extent that I do now. So perhaps she does not fully appreciate the toll this is taking on you.

Beta blockers might be better to stop the racing heart and nausea and won;t dull your senses or make your emotions run more freely (valium, like alcohol reduces your control and may make it harder to cope...though some variety of sleeping aid for the night before might be valuable)

Do those Bach jobbies work? I know people who use them, but I don't know if they have any validity.

Wow. Thanks foolonthehill. I can't afford counselling so anything that I can do to calm myself is something I am glad to work on. I think if I can work through how I am going to feel when I see him and practice the RAIN technique that could well help. I do do relaxation at the dentist or if having uncomfortable physical examinations/tests etc, and find they help. I usually just try to let the pain/sensations wash over me and not resist them. Maybe that's what I need to do with this. I feel so sad (and so angry) though that I should be needing to do this on such a happy occasion. And I then feel angry towards my ex for yet another shit thing he's created.

Samaritans are good too.

notcontent I truly don't think DD realises just how seeing him is going to be for me. She knows it won't be easy and has tried to book a venue with enough "escape room". If it was a 'normal' split/divorce ok but everyone who has been involved (MPs, police, solicitors, banks etc) knows the full scale of the mayhem he wrought has been truly appalled and shocked at his deceipt, cruelty etc.

I already take Beta Blockers for high blood pressure but I will ask my GP for some sleeping tabs and a few valium just in case I think.

Sorry for got to say she is late 20's.

you are very welcome.

I hope that you can consign him to a little box in your brain along with your hurt and anger and manage to enjoy this lovely day...you can do it..and you can always go and scream lots of shocking words into the wind afterwards.

I don't know if he is totally shameless, but perhaps he will feel dreadful knowing that everyone knows he's an ex con.

Be brave. Keep saying it out loud. And grab all practical, emotional help you can. You can do this. You've already weathered the fall out. This is one day.

nkf - he is TOTALLY shameless! My friends have said they don't know how he can bare to be seen around yet he carries on like nothing ever happened. He should have been in politics. Really he was wasted.
Thank you all so much for telling me I'm strong enough to do this. He's put me through so much I owe it to myself not to let him ruin another thing in my life. Especially something as special as this.

Mongolia - that sounds absolutely horrendous and I don't blame you for dreading it. Adding to some of the techniques that fool outlined it might be worth looking at Emotional Freedom Technique . I don't know if you've come across it but while it seems a bit random it does work. You can practice it in the run up to the wedding to calm yourself and once you've got the hang you can do it v subtly (I can calm myself now my just tapping the side of my hand - I don't need to go through all the face tapping etc!). Do try it - the instructions are on the you tube clip and there are loads of other clips about it for free on the internet.

Edinbugger I've not heard of Emotional Freedom Technique. I shall have a look right now. I will try anything and everything. I need to do something because the odd few times I've seen him while I've been in the car, my heart has literally started banging and my brain sort of 'freezes'. It's a real fight or flight reaction :(

You are being very brave.

To the above wonderful advice, I would add - promise yourself to do the best you can, and no more.
This, I hope, lets you off the hook a little mentally.

Being mother of the bride is a challenge as it is. :) Your daughter chose to ask her father, which is within her rights, but has potentially stressful consequences for you. So you have to do what you need to, to manage your stress; and that is OK.

You don't have to take up all the slack and make everything perfect. Just do the best you can.

Wordybird. Thanks for that. I would like to remain true to myself which is to acknowledge that I feel very resentful that he is going.

I want to sulk and be a bitch and would love to just throw a glass of wine over him or slap him (in true soap opera style - seeing as he turned my life into a f.... soap opera!). But I am an adult and know that would be a shitty thing to do. And show my ex that he still has power over me.

I want the day to be great for DD. I also feel angry that I am expected to share the same air as this sorry excuse for a father.

I am putting on a brave face but underneath I am truly seething.

Do try it Mongolia - when I first came across it I reckoned it was a bit 'woo' but it's helped so many non-woo friends to combat issues that I've become a convert. :)

Edinbugger I looked at the link. I'd love to do all that tapping in the middle of the wedding!LOL Actually the thought of that is making me laugh! If anyone asked what I was doing I'd just go carry on tapping and repeating over and over - "I am insanely furious with my ex." :)