It should be a wonderful day but I'm dreading it

[mongolianomad]

My dd has invited her father to her wedding. I divorced him after it came to light that he had stolen from my parents both while they were alive and from their estates after their death. He ruined the last years of my father's life. He racked up massive personal loans in our joint names that I had no idea about, re-mortgaged our home (also without my knowledge) till it was worthless. He stole from clients at work and ended up doing a spell as a guest of HM prison service. I ended up homeless, penniless and liable for half his debts. I was a physical and emotional wreck. It took me years to fire-fight all the f......... mess he left me in and rebuild my life.

The thought of having to see him brings everything back up so that my heart is racing, and I feel physically sick. How the hell do I cope on the day. There is no way I will speak (or that my family will speak) to him but I honestly do not know how I will manage this (without valium and vast amounts of alcohol anyhow). I love my daughter dearly. I want the day to be how she wants it to be. But I am really struggling with this.

How about writing all your angry feelings and resentment out in a letter that you don't post? Don't hold back and be as nasty as you want to be - it might help to get rid of some of the negative emotions. You can burn it later or consign it, like him, to the bin with the rest of the rubbish.

If you want any more exercises I can post one from Jon Bradshaw - Healing the Toxic Shame which involves going back to an unpleasant experience then going to one in which you felt relaxed, confident etc., and then returning to the stressful experience and reliving it with the benefit of qualities that you have acquired now.

He did not destroy you and you have survived an extremely difficult time - something I bet he could not have achieved!

I'd be interested in looking at any exercises you think might help me deal with this better northwitch. Right now I'm a seething mass of rage so anything that helps me face this day with a little more calm and acceptance would be very good.

You are right - he did not destroy me. But the effects of what he did are things I have to deal with for the rest of my life - ie financial hardship, not very nice living conditions etc - and I hate him for that. He lives very nicely thank you very much thanks to his family. Who still have their money in tact what with him not stealing all theirs. I know I am a far stronger and far more decent person than he is - but he is so flipping happy with himself and unable to accept responsibility for what he did - I honestly feel murderous towards him.

I think writing a letter though would just bring up even more anger. Which I don't want to do at present.

Hee-hee - love the idea of you tapping away manically in the corner! :) Seriously though, once you've done the whole routine a few times you can just have a wee emergency hand tap at a moment of crisis and it does the job.

Sorry, but it's very silly of your daughter to invite this man to her wedding.

She's not a child and she must know perfectly well that having this him there is going to make the day pretty unbearable or at the very least unpleasant for a lot of the family who genuinely love and care for her.

If she feels that strongly about her father, she and her fiance can let him buy them both a slap up meal and champers on another day.

I would quite simply ask her, nicely, to uninvite him. And if she insists he is to come, then I wouldn't go.

Sometimes, there's no point in putting oneself through an emotional mangle, no matter what the occasion. This is just such an occasion and I hope your daughter is put right swiftly, on her ridiculous invite to a man that very nearly wiped out her wonderful mother.

bbq quite a while ago I did ask if she would think about doing what you suggested or some sort of a compromise, but she didn't want to do it that way. I don't want to make her have to choose between us. I would like not to go, but I don't see why I shouldn't and to do that makes me feel like he's won. He gets to go and join in the day, and I stay at home feeling angry, resentful and sad.

But I do feel upset that my feelings don't seem to be an issue here.

Does your daughter know the full story? If so why on earth does she want him there????

She does. And I do not know cider

There must be a reason why she is doing this - knowing it will upset you and a good many others in your family? I would really want to know her reason. As I say, she's not a child who you need to protect from the ugly truth.

has her father promised her some inheritance or something?

I just could not do this to my dm.

However, if your daughter is insistent on having him there (and you presumably don't want to hurt your relationship with her), and you do end up having to face him, then I would attend the wedding but leave the reception early and gracefully.

bbq she seems reluctant to offend him. I have no idea why after what he did. I dont talk about him with her any more as it hurts too much. If I am really struggling I will leave when the evening do starts as that is the part that is more for friends I gather. The fact that he hasnt offered to leave after the ceremony shows to me he doesnt give a shit about what he did. Both dd and he obviously feel he has every right to be there. I dont get it. but it is her day. I am not paying. She knows how I feel. I will just have to make the best of it. It makes me sad that I will be feeling upset on such a lovely day though.

Try not to be too angry with her. She will probably love him because he is her father. It takes a lot for children to hate their parents. And maybe she wants the traditional wedding. It sounds like you have a plan for dealing with it. Best wishes.

nkf I am trying not to be too angry. It's not easy but I agree I'm looking at this from the aspect of someone who has no biological links to him. Someone who can divorce him and that is that. But as you say, he is her Father. And she will always have that link to him. So I don't know what it feels like for her to be in this situation. It isn't my day either. It is hers and her husband to be's. So I have to deal with it.

I would find that incredibly hard to deal with. The repercussions of his actions have been so longlasting and he's been so cruel that I can completely understand that you panic whenever you see him.

Does your daughter know how you feel when you see him in passing? Do you protect her by not telling her about your reactions? I know she knows what he did, but does she really understand how you feel when you see him?

Are you with someone new? If not, you really do need one close friend to be with you all the time.

She really doesn't know what she is doing to you so perhaps a friend or family member could spell it out for - everything- the physical reaction, anger everything and get them to ask her to ask him to leave after the ceremony and NO speech How dare he
If she still wants him him there then I'm afraid you full need to do what you need to do to preserve your mental health and tell her you cd only cope with what you've decided to cope with
One day when she has children she may look back and be mortified at what she did

DD does know how I feel. He will be instructed not to approach me or any of my family. But just seeing him turns my stomach. I will have friends and all my family there and will tell them to look out for me. I do have to protect myself I agree.