If you knew that divorce would decimate your finances, would you still do it?

[Uppatreecuppatea]

I think I chose the right path for me but divorce eviscerated my finances and I do wonder sometimes. I miss having money. I now have happiness but I also have a lot of struggle where I never had it before. My life was not intolerable, it just wasn't happy.

I spoke to a woman today who divorced after 23 years of marriage - now divorced - and she has no pension, no income after being a SAHM and no real prospects for work at 59.

I used to be what i thought was wealthy. Not anymore. I sometimes wonder if the struggle for happiness is worth the loss in lifestyle. Don't flame me for this - unless you have been divorced, you really have no idea how much you lose. It's really hard and I sometimes wonder if I should have stuck to the status quo and lived a life that gave me happiness outside of my marriage but with the comfort of a nice house / holidays instead.

Do you actually mean down by 10% (fine with that), or utterly devastated?

Latter is a huge problem - and it's why there are posters (not just Xenia) who recommend keeping a your own income stream now and thinking about long term planning such as pension. They're very important underpinnings.

I am at such early stages of all this that I'm not really in a position to judge.

HOWEVER. I do know that for me the wealthy lifestyle couldn't compensate for the ongoing sense that my H had one foot in, one foot out of the relationship. I think a lot depends therefore on the circumstances you find yourself in prior to divorce - for some people it's a lot more traumatic because the relationship wasn't necessarily devastatingly awful in the first place. Mine was, I now realise, untenable.

I will be poorer. My H is/was very successful and we had a good standard of living, owning several properties. Coming out of this I will by definition be much worse off, and have been a SAHM for several years so will need to kickstart my career. So why do I feel so happy?

I feel happy because I feel free. I feel as though I have been given another chance to make better choices. I feel happy because last year we had two unfeasibly expensive holidays and both were unbearable. Now I'd rather go camping with just the children for a long weekend (what we're looking at this summer!) or with a new partner than spend the rest of my life spending £5k+ a week on a shit time with an unhappy partner.

I did it and my finances didn't really recover for a very long time. I would do the same thing again. Get out there and make some money - that you can do as you decide with. No money is worth the knot in the stomach that an unhappy relationship brings.

I'm getting divorced but I was never a SAHM and therefore dependent on another persons income. My lifestyle has taken a knock but I can and will get by absolutely fine.

Now, I'm not divorced so know nowt but I think it is women not being financially independent of their spouses that is the issue rather than divorce per se. To be reliant on one partner's income and career is very dangerous. And not just because of divorce. MIL was widowed suddenly at 38, she had life insurance to cover the mortgage but no income and couldn't drive. She had to start from scratch.

I gave up my career to live abroad with my ex H and I didn't want housemaids bringing up DS. I took what i thought was the moral high ground and am now suffering for it.

My only advice to girls of any age is to always have a job and have your own income, no matter what.

I can't believe that I used to own a beautiful house and holiday in the Maldives and I'm now wondering how I can pay for my retirement from a job I don't have.

I am happier though. By miles.

There's your answer then op. you are happier by miles. There's really no contest between money and contentment.

you answer your own question.

I am happy.

I was unhappy.

Yes, loss of money and lifestyle is worth being rid of an unhappy marriage. Absolutely. However, wisdom learned from all these cases means I think children should be taught a few alternative fairy-tale endings where the princess has her own bank account, doesn't give up her job because her prince tells her to, and learns that she needs to live happily ever after while independent financially, career-wise and decision-making wise. Perhaps there is a gap in the children's book market there?

Money and holidays mean nothing when you are stressed, anxious, depressed and barely existing because of a horrible marriage.

Yes, I'd still do it. After I divorced I wasn't just poor I was PO' because my money-squandering exH left me with a stack of debt and an eye-wateringly big mortgage on a negative equity property all to be paid for with a household income that was 40% of what it used to be. It was around the time when interest rates went over 10%. We didn't have any kids so there was no maintenance. Tax Credits weren't even a glint in Gordon Brown's eye. Took me five years of hard work and parsimonious living just to get back on an even keel.

I know my ex has gone onto great things, re-married well and has a fancy lifestyle. But I can look at what I have now and know that it's better because it's mine, it's secure and it doesn't involve him.

Count your blessings.

BTW.... I'm grateful to my DM because, thanks to my DF being a nice bloke but utterly crap with money, her advice was to 'always have a bit put by' so I had my own income and my own bank accounts. The one joint account we had 'for bills' was the one he raided to the tune of £3000 overdrawn. But his personal debts went with him.

Divorce can damage the families wealth down the generations. If my parents' hadn't divorced, I'd be much more financially secure, but they both remarried and their estates went/will go to their new spouses, not me & my sis. It is just how it is, but it does show that divorce has a financial penalty for many people.

But your happiness is important and you now have that.

@ithaka.... hear what you're saying but it doesn't necessarily have to be 'how it is'. Parents who remarry can and do write wills such that money is put in trust for existing children and inheritance protected rather than all going to a surviving spouse.

Yes, I did and I did. I gave up an extremely very comfortable lifestyle and a £1m house for my happiness. An absolute bargain.

Cogito - of course they can and they do - but my parents didn't/haven't, and that is the reality for many children of failed marriages.

Divorce usually sucks for kids - fact. As you grow up, you find out it continues to suck as parents age & die & friends start to inherit houses. There is not point complaining, you have no 'right' to your parents wealth or to inherit the family home. But it would be nice to.

Happiness trumps money

I divorced and temporarily took a financial hit as divorce is costly. I am better off now.

I have never been dependent on another persons wage so am less affected I guess, than a SAHM. I imagine divorcing in that situation is scary.

I should think its also scary for the man who finds that he is maintaining another individual even though the relationship is over. (I'm talking about spousal maintenance rather than child maintenance here). That's not a judgement on the rights and wrongs. I personally would find it frightening to be committed to maintaining another adult for the rest of my working life however. But I guess that is a decision you both take whilst married and then have to commit to after the marriage has ended.

When my parents divorced my mum was better off financially. She'd been a SAHM and was entitled to half my dad's pension and a decent lump sum.

I don't understand how the woman in your example, married for 23 years wasn't entitled to the same.

AKiss some people are very able to hide their assets and income. In your case it would seem that someone took a financial hit after divorce anyway? Maybe your dad would have an opinion on this?

For me the financial loss was much easier than not seeing my children every day. That is the really hard part of divorce for many women.
I never stopped working though. I think women give up their financial independence at their peril (although many women who get divorced didn't have much financial independence before becoming SAHMs) but losing so much time with your kids was much harder for me.

A friend of mine decided not to end her marriage when her husband has an affair whilst she was pregnant with their first child. Her decision was solely based on the lifestyle she wanted for herself and her children. She has been a SAHM for nearly 10 years and has a very nice lifestyle - holidays, big house etc. But I don't think it's a decision I would have made.

You are right about divorce affecting future generations. My parents divorced and we went from living in a detached house to bed and breakfast followed by council housing for years. She remarried, bought a house with my step dad and built something up again but sadly that ended in divorce as well but at least this time she had some equity from the house to build from. She is now retired and single and apart from her tiny flat owns nothing and lives off a state pension. She always worked so at least she had that. I have always taken it as a lesson to have my own money and a pension sorted as I wouldn't want to solely rely on a state pension.

Hen: I wouldn't know, no one in the family speaks to him. I'm sure he managed to hide other assets but I'm very glad my mum will be comfortable in her old age. It's the least she deserves after everything he put her through.

Seeing as I'm currently on the receiving end of all that financial stuff it's a worry but without a doubt I would say divorce. It's only money and I am no longer ill at the hands of his EA. I am free, I am regaining a wonderful life and I am happy. It's a cliche but money doesn't buy that. Fortunately I wasn't financially dependant but he's trying his best to fleece me.

I'm another who is much poorer post divorce, but again I was the main breadwinner and always worked, I had to pay off my exH and shoulder all the debts. But I am immeasurably happier

But I could do it because I have a career and an income. I could never ever be dependent on another person to support me.

My XH left me thus forcing my hand and I am glad he did

I lived in a big house, SAHM, plenty of money for everything but in the end was a very unhappy woman

Now I still have a nice home thanks to an equitable divorce but in my mid forties returning to work FT has been challenging. My pay is poor and very hard work and if someone has said ten years ago this is where I would be at I would have laughed !

All in all though I am happier living in much reduced financial circumstances but thats probably a lot to do with I am still ok and have a reasonable financial future

Yes. If I was so unhappy that I needed to leave, then yes.

Thing is, sometimes you just have to pick your pile of shit.

In the case you describe, your choices were stay in an unhappy relationship and have money or leave an unhappy relationship and struggle for money.

It would be great if all choices were crappy life v great life, but those sort of choices are few and far between. Mostly you just have to go with which is going to cause you the least pain!