complicated new man

[evuscha]

So the story is like this: I haven´t been in a relationship for more than 3 years now (btw no kids or divorce involved), just casually dating but never met someone for something more serious and someone I could actually like enough. Up until now - I met a lovely guy about 3 weeks ago and we have been seeing each other since then. The problem is he told me straight away that he was not looking for a serious relationship and that he wouldnt want to lead me on - I asked if that means I should treat this as fun only and he said yes. But he doesn´t act like it at all (I am comparing him to all the other guys that I met who were just looking for fun) - he plans our dates very carefully with interesting stuff to do on them (going to special places with romantic views, teaching me rock climbing, etc., not only the usual dinner and drinks) and he is very sweet with me, cuddles me, strokes my hair, gives me compliments....which basically leaves me a bit confused, his words compared to his actions. I like him a lot and I could totally fall for him and the chemistry is there as well.

That brings me to the second problem: he stayed over at mine for the night after the first date already (but no sex, just kisses and cuddles), then after our last date we had sex...well, tried to - as it turned out, while he is very good at all the other things in sex, he has erectile problems...he was apologizing over and over again for it. Then it dawned on me that maybe this and the "I am not looking for a relationship" is somehow connected - perhaps he thinks no girl would want him with this problem, or perhaps he has some horrible experience from past relationship.... I am too shy to ask him (although hopefully I will when the mood is right) as we are still at early stages of getting to know each other and we talk mostly about just "fun stuff" since we are not supposed to be a relationship as he said.

I guess what I am asking is, does my thinking make any sense? Is it likely that he actually likes me a lot but is shy or insecure and so pretends to play it cool just to protect himself? Should I attempt to have a "talk" anytime soon or should I just take it easy and let it be for a bit?
Also, about this erectile problem - I have totally no idea how to handle this sensitively. Attempt to discuss it, try whatever I can think of in bed (I tried also what he asked me to do but it didnt work :( or again let it be for a while and relax?¨

Thank you sooo much for any opinions...I am just confused at this point (apart from thinking that my relationships never go easy - that I know for sure)

Probably the bit where he said he just wanted it casual was because he is well aware that Mr. Floppy tends not to want to come out to play. So by suggesting up front that he's not that into you, he has a ready made face saver when he can't get it up. It's not that he can't get it up, it's that he can't be arsed to get it up, see? It's insurance. It's also not true.

Thing is, AIUI, if he can't get it up once because now and then that happens, then thereafter he will not be able to get it up because he'll be worried he won't be able to get it up. It self perpetuates.

That's why they call the bastard a prick as the joke has it.

Then one day something happens to break the cycle and suddenly the ED is just a memory.

He could then be the perfect bloke - he can only get it up with you.

He is not actually acting like someone who's not interested in you is he?

As I stated before, I will give it a bit more time and see how it goes. LucyH28 you make a good point - it is not worth it unless something improves drastically. So I will see how it goes and if he is willing to open up and do something about his ED if that is the thing stopping him. I am not prepared to settle down completely just yet anyway so can spend a bit more time seeing what happens.

By the way, I am thankful for all the opinions, not just those who happen to agree with me and what I would ideally want from this - actually some of the posters discouraging me from him helped me as well and I take it on board. I just don´t understand the sarcastic and bitter posts - jeez, I only asked a question about something I would like some perspective on, it´s not like if I was hurting or offending anyone!

I am not sure which posts you are referring to but my posts were entirely motivated by the sincere belief that you are seeing what you want to and not at all the reality of the situation.
I hope what ever you do brings you happiness

Please read my threads.

This sounds exactly like how my relationship started last year, even down to the ED problems and him saying he couldn't be in a relationship.

What did I do?

Shut my eyes and found any reason I could whi it WOULD work.

Flash forward almost a year of a stilting, limping, painful relationship and...he called it all off 3 days ago.

I'm in pain. But I can't begrudge him this. I chose to ignore what he very plainly stated at the beginning. Somewhere along the way he tried. But he couldn't try hard enough.

Please get out of this if you can. Or at least dampen your feelings until you can just see him casually.

I've learnt such an important lesson: that people tell you loud and clear at the beginning what they want (unless they are liars, but doesn't apply here).

I know you won't listen...the alternative seems much more appealing :)

Whatever you do, I wish you happiness and luck. xx

Thank you!! I am listening to everyone and taking it on board, I promise :)

In fact, as now he hasnt been in touch for a few days, I find myself thinking about him faaaar too much which is neither healthy nor enjoyable... So unless something happens in the very near future to dramatically improve things, I will walk away.
I am definitely not up for keeping things casual - had enough of it in the past 3 years, and now that I am in my late 20s, I would really like a proper relationship with some committment as of course I want to have a family in the not too distant future....so wasting time on a "relationship" without future (thanks for sharing your story waddlecakes) is not what I want to do.

If only it was easier to meet a nice, uncomplicated man!

No, I mean you're listening, but I can guarantee you he'll call, maybe next week, and you'll be back in it again. It's the way we work ;)

I'm maybe just a bit younger than you by the sounds of it - this guy really has left me feeling very much in pain. Because I kept hoping so hard. Try and train yourself to take it for only what it is. If you can't stay away, then at least remind yourself, every time you feel yourself thinking about him too much, what he has actually said to you.

I'm giving you advice, but I wouldn't have been capable of taking it at the time.

I mean, if/when he calls, I will see him and see how it goes....but I should probably tell him I cannot really do the no strings thing as I am looking for a potential serious relationship...he knows already I didn´t run away because of his ED problem so doesn´t have to use the "no relationship" as a shield anymore, and so if it is still "no relationship" from him, then I know where I stand. Makes sense?

Hopefully by now I know a bit about learning from mistakes (as I mentioned before, most of my past relationships were not particularly easy) so hopefully I will be able to take your advice waddlecakes :)

When a bloke says he does not want a relationship, TAKE IT AS IT IS. Usually you women come up with an excuse that makes their case different/unique.
He said it himself, he does not want a relationship. LISTEN!!

If he was serious about you, he would be gettibg help ASAP, but instead he is intentionally acting like a BF to further confusing you. His plan is to keep you hooked so you overlook the ED and continue to have sex with you.

Evidently you are starting to fall for this guy so you guys NEED a talk!

Is there a chance he is battling with his sexuality? What is his history with past relationships like? Alternatively it could be an emotional thing. He may have a troubled past ie, sexual abuse etc. I dated a guy before who had erectile problems but he wanted a serious relationship with me.... unfortunately the erectile dysfunction problem was too much of a problem for me...... and what made it worse was the fact that he wouldn't talk about it... instead would say.... "just wait and minute and it will come back...... followed by silence...." 7 years on he still hasn't maintained a serious relationship and he is a very good looking guy...... he obviously still has this problem and some people have suggested he might be gay but lives in a very small town which would be difficult for a person in his business etc.

Either way....... he is not looking for anything serious and he has erectile problems..... and you have to ask what you should do? Get glammed up, hit the dance floor, have fun and give him the road!! You will feel empowered and will probably attract more guys a result!!

You guys are right!

Now that I haven´t heard from him since Saturday, I am getting rather annoyed at what he did - just confused me, let me start to fall for him, then go quiet - not the kind of feeling about myself that I am looking for. So hitting the dance floor it is!

Messing with your mind, it's a classic.

You don't need someone wiv ishoos. Hold out for better!

This was a Practice Man, a Better Man will be along shortly.

Well done for navigating this part of your recovery so well!

(((hug)))

good for you OP. He doesn't sound much of a catch tbh - why settle for all this aggro

Any tiny chance he may be gay and in denial?
Or at best, confused about his sexual preferences?
He's doing all the great romantic stuff which seems quite cerebral- ie he can intellectualise what women want, and is great at foreplay- but actual sex? ED could be nerves- possibly he is a virgin and is using the 'no relationship' as a get out card if he keeps failing to 'perform'.

1st date/sex ED is common and due to anxiety.

I wouldn't go as far as calling it ED- that's a long term condition- what you experienced was first-sex wilt which is possibly different!

If you see him again, and he wants sex, stay the night etc, then maybe use it as a prompt to discuss the last time?

Thing is, and I write this as someone who's been there and recognises the situation, when you are young, free, single and just having fun - it's great and you don't feel desperate for a relationship.

And then you meet someone who takes your breath away.

And - if he is the first man you liked enough to get excited about in 3 years - he took your breath away.

The problem is, you become desperate. Because you know just how hard it IS to find this feeling, and you want to grab it with both hands and hold on to it.

It doesn't fit with your normal, independent self image so you don't realise when you begin acting desperate (to not waste the "what if he's the one" chance).

Couple this with advice one generally gets from smug couples about being too picky, not compromising, etc. and it's very easy to give someone who doesn't really deserve it chance after chance.

Only thing that will help you is time. Go slow and when he shows you more of himself, you'll realise (as you are starting to already) he ain't all that .

Couple this with advice one generally gets from smug couples about being too picky, not compromising,

Ah yes, more people for my shit list. I have never dared, but it would be great if faced with a couple who do this to look thoughtfully from one to the other and say, "What were your compromises about him/her then?"

My advice would be to take a step back, don't fret if he doesn't keep in constant touch after all he says he doesn't want a relationship. Let him come to you and don't put him under pressure, just get on with what you normally do in life and if you meet another great guy along the way then great.

Tell him you like what he does to you in bed anyway and see if this helps with the ED problem.

WRT him not wanting a relationship I would make it clear that you do, if the right guy comes along. This is if you think he is worth it, of course.

In your shoes, I'd tell him if I was in a relationship with him, his bedroom problems wouldn't be a deal breaker and you would be willing to help support him as he needed. But as he is only looking for bedroom fun, then ED is pretty much a no-go / deal breaker. To be crude - what's the point of a fuck buddy who can't fuck? That's pretty harsh sounding but then again so are the mind games he's playing.

Some good points and comments here again! WeleaseWodger I think you got it spot on, especially the "being picky" bit - I am even questioning myself when I see all my friends getting married and starting families, or people who end one relationship and then start a new one relatively quickly....and then there is me, last relationship was over 3 years ago and since then I cannot seem to meet anyone I could even consider....so is it me and should I really compromise more? - which is how it happens that I get so excited about someone even though he is not perfect, but "something" seems to be right with him...

Well, I guess the minimums are (a) they have to treat you nicely and be up for a relationship and (b) they DO have to float your boat in some way. Compromise on those two things doesn't really work. You know whether you're being picky or not, I'm sure. Specifying an exact hair colour or age? Ok, that's picky. Specifying that you need to be basically interested in them as a romantic prospect, not so.

I seem to have sat in on loads of conversations over the years where Woman 1 says, "Well, he's ok, he's a decent guy, but I don't really fancy him/feel that much for him/see a future with him" and Women 2-4 say "Ohhhh, give him a chance, you have to compromise! Don't be so picky!" At which point I usually rant drunkenly along the lines of "She just told you she doesn't fucking like him that much."

It might be worth getting to know him better and finding out more about his sexual history. I agree with others who have said that his 'no strings' is a bit of a get out of jail fast card. But as I said before, one wilt doesn't mean an ED label is required. Lots of guys have that at the 1st attempt with a new woman- sounds like, adding it all up, he's a bit insecure, lacks confidence ( maybe that's why he tries to please you with nice outings etc?) in himself.

Maybe if you find out more about him you can judge if he is a commitment phobe, has had other long term relationships, been hurt badly, or whatever - or if he is using the ' no strings' as a smoke screen for his lack of confidence.

I don't think the 'something right' is actually him. It's a catalyst to show you what you are aiming for.

This guy doesn't want a relationship, and it looks as though he technically can't easily have one either.

Learn about what this is showing you, I don't think this is the one, it's a sign of what you can have, but with someone right for you.

I don't think YOU are actually ready for Mr Right at the moment. You need some toughening up, some boundaries setting and some minimum levels established. Your self esteem and confidence will have taken a pasting due to your past relationships, you need to understand why they happened, and put the framework in place to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Atm, you are potentially vulnerable to starting a relationship with someone who ISN'T actually ready/able himself, and when he treats you without the same thought, care and love as you will grow to treat him with, he's perfectly entitled to say "I told you I didn't want a relationship" and you'd not have a leg to stand on.

If you are thinking of waiting it out in the hope he wises up, or manages to fall for you, you are holding out for scraps, sitting on a shelf willing him to 'pick me, pick me'

That love, is soul destroying and something I would never recommend. It totally destroys the very core of us. I can give you the T-shirt I have if you like? :)

Back off. Put yourself first, and hold out for the full monty. There are billions of men on this planet, and millions and millions of them would be perfect for you.

I hate the compromises/not being picky thing too FWIW and I was advising the OP to give him a chance if she liked him! I just felt that this was a potentially small obstacle to get over if there was a relationship building. With the updates it seems there wasn't anyway so good on you, OP, for recognising that and getting out before you fell for him too badly.

Hissy makes a good point though - if a man isn't ready for a relationship even if that is due to nerves or anxiousness about performance etc then it still means he isn't in a great place to be starting a relationship and so it's probably best to stay away for that reason alone.