complicated new man

[evuscha]

So the story is like this: I haven´t been in a relationship for more than 3 years now (btw no kids or divorce involved), just casually dating but never met someone for something more serious and someone I could actually like enough. Up until now - I met a lovely guy about 3 weeks ago and we have been seeing each other since then. The problem is he told me straight away that he was not looking for a serious relationship and that he wouldnt want to lead me on - I asked if that means I should treat this as fun only and he said yes. But he doesn´t act like it at all (I am comparing him to all the other guys that I met who were just looking for fun) - he plans our dates very carefully with interesting stuff to do on them (going to special places with romantic views, teaching me rock climbing, etc., not only the usual dinner and drinks) and he is very sweet with me, cuddles me, strokes my hair, gives me compliments....which basically leaves me a bit confused, his words compared to his actions. I like him a lot and I could totally fall for him and the chemistry is there as well.

That brings me to the second problem: he stayed over at mine for the night after the first date already (but no sex, just kisses and cuddles), then after our last date we had sex...well, tried to - as it turned out, while he is very good at all the other things in sex, he has erectile problems...he was apologizing over and over again for it. Then it dawned on me that maybe this and the "I am not looking for a relationship" is somehow connected - perhaps he thinks no girl would want him with this problem, or perhaps he has some horrible experience from past relationship.... I am too shy to ask him (although hopefully I will when the mood is right) as we are still at early stages of getting to know each other and we talk mostly about just "fun stuff" since we are not supposed to be a relationship as he said.

I guess what I am asking is, does my thinking make any sense? Is it likely that he actually likes me a lot but is shy or insecure and so pretends to play it cool just to protect himself? Should I attempt to have a "talk" anytime soon or should I just take it easy and let it be for a bit?
Also, about this erectile problem - I have totally no idea how to handle this sensitively. Attempt to discuss it, try whatever I can think of in bed (I tried also what he asked me to do but it didnt work :( or again let it be for a while and relax?¨

Thank you sooo much for any opinions...I am just confused at this point (apart from thinking that my relationships never go easy - that I know for sure)

I agree with what others have said. You met him 3 weeks ago and you are already embroiled in drama, angst and trying to solve what very well may be longstanding medical or psychological problems.

He told you he didn't want a relationship, just FWB but it doesn't appear you can manage that without becoming emotionally embroiled and trying to cast yourself in the role of his saviour.

He probably does have genuine ED in which case he needs a doctor or perhaps counselling / sex therapy but that's not your problem or journey. Is there a kind way you can tell him that he needs to see his GP? (assuming he hasn't already)

You are looking for a relationship. He isn't.

He sounds very complicated and, if you pursue this in the hope that he will change his mind, you are setting yourself up for a fall.

I would keep looking for someone who wants a relationship and can do the deed. Far less hassle and far more satisfying...

Listen, this man is not right for you. He will Fuck you up, with out actually being able to, iycwim.

The i'm not looking for a relationship is a get out card, designed to disempower all of your future disappointment.

He IS trying to mess up your head, the mixed signals are alarming.

Life is too short for this. You've known him only DAYS. He's NOT going to work out long term, and if you carry on with this, it'll end up soul destroying.

End it and look at what you need in a man, what you deserve (ie the FULL package) and don't settle for anything less!

i think you need to sleep with someone more than once to decide whether they have ED.

I think it needs to be handled (fnarr) sensitively
I think he is blatantly into you, but has secret insecurities

I also think he is saying 'no commitment' to protect himself. Or maybe he says it to take the pressure off himself? Either way, very sad - I guess it depends on how you feel you would cope with that as a problem.

I hope the ED was not his way of getting you to do something that you would not normally do. If the something he suggested, is the only way he has found that can work are you prepared for that to be a regular ongoing part of future sex?
I doubt the ED is a part of him being shy to having a relationship with you as he was up for attempting sex as early as a 2nd date. This also shows he wants to keep things casual. Now if it is a relationship you are after I would not recommend that you enter into things so quickly, because you will find that you come across men who want 'no strings' more often that way and set yourself up for continued disappointment.

Listen to what he's saying. He doesn't want a relationship with you. You're propelling yourself into an unhealthy vortex on the basis that his possible erectile problems may be a symptom of a deeper underlying issue - one that you think you can fix if he just opens up and allows you to save him. That's the sort of narrative that belongs in naff Hollywood movies.

A man can not know you well enough to decide if he wants a relationship by 2nd date, so while he may push for sex, at that point he does not care if you are relationship material to him. Having sex at this stage does not mean he wants anything more.
I kept someone at a safe distance avoiding being isolated with him because I could tell he was up for it, there was a lot of chemistry but I was taking my time rather than acting on it further. After a few dates he admitted that I was not the 'soulmate' he was after but would of been quite happy to have some fun. He thought I was nice and did not want to use me that way (or could tell he'd get no joy lol) so it ended by mutual agreement. No harm done, odd text chat since, still having fun 'affairs' as he put it but not found his 'soul mate'. (His words, I'm not sure I buy into that). But I came out of that feeling good about myself - well done me for keeping my twat shield up until it became more obvious.

Once again thanks everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I am glad there seems to be more balance in opinions and some see it the same way as I do (as do my friends in RL who told me to give him a chance for few more weeks and then decide) - although again good to have other opinions too so I know I need to relax and not get too hopeful at this point.

Just to make things clear - I am not mourning over him nor am I embroiled in a drama because of him, thinking about him 24/7. But since I really like him, of course it got me thinking (to the point of asking here) whether I should give it a go and carry on seeing him. I had not met anyone I would feel this good about (so far, apart from ED problem) for over 3 years so I suppose I don´t want to ditch a possibly nice great guy as there would be tens of other lovely guys coming my way in the near future anyway. I should also stress out that I am not thinking that "this is the best I can do" - I am relatively confident with good career and social life. I am also not desperate for a guy but I do want to find someone compatible so that we have lots to talk and laugh about, some shared hobbies, similar outlook on life and someone who would treat me nicely - so since this guy ticks the boxes so far, I am still considering him before moving on.

To answer some of the questions, no he did not make me do anything that would make me feel uncomfortable because of his ED; I tried what I could think of and asked him what I could do but it didn´t work. Jumping on to sex this early was admittedly not a great idea but it was mutual, not just him somehow pushing me into it - and I got a bit carried away due to chemistry. Also he does not seem to be looking for no strings (despite saying so) since he is actually unable to have sex as someone pointed out, and on the contrary does things that look like he cares about me and likes me a lot. Maybe I am wrong, he is a bastard just manipulating me etc., in which case I will return to this thread to tell you that you were right!....but I also think some men can be just insecure and protect themselves from getting hurt especially if dealing with ED problems which is a big deal for men, I would guess.

So my "plan" is not to worry right now, keep my options open (since this is not a relationship) but carry on seeing him for a few weeks more and see how that goes. Hopefully there will be the right mood for some deeper discussion about his problem sometime soon and then I will see whether it is worth staying or helping him with or not. (I have no desire to "fix" anyone if they dont want to, but if he is genuinely nice and just needs a bit of patience and encouragement, I can do that)

Sorry for keeping it this long!

Is this man married or in a LTR elsewhere?

That would explain all of his behaviour (including ED) IMO and was screaming out at me from your OP

I think he is married and that is why he warned you off but also why he treats you so well. He is after an affair but is committed elsewhere and maybe he actually cant get it up because he is being unfaithful to his wife.

My early days with DH were full of ED! But now it's fine much more than fine! so I'd recommend not stressing about it.

Same here. DP was out of practice!
Just take this a date at a time and enjoy things. It will become clear where things are going (or not going!)

yes, make sure he's single first!
ED can be helped by councelling IME, and sometimes meds.
TBH, if I were you I wouldn't continue with the sex until he conforms he doesn't want a relationship. Sex may improve and you can fall for him whereas he diesn't know what hhe wants - until he does, just date and be friends.
Imo if a man DOES fall for you, he will do everything to sort out his ED, otherwise, why the heck would you want a non commital guy AND bad sex.

confirms

Also just be honet with him that potentially you do want a relationship with the right person, and that you wouldn't want casual sex with someone you actually like (him). So that he knows where he stands. He does sound hugely unconfident, and such men can be a BIG drain (all these concerns that you get asked out a lot - (to him) grow up and be positive and make an effort with the girl, not seek reassurances!)

IME when a man says he doesn't want a relationship it means he doesn't want a relationship.

Good point with him possibly not being single - I need to figure out a way to find out (apart from asking him out right which I will do as well and hopefully he will be honest if that is the case) as it has also crossed my mind...although not from anything he would do, he stayed overnight a few times, we had breakfast together in the morning etc. so married/living with girlfriend I don´t think, but being in a relationship could be possible I guess.

Also good point with unconfident men being a drain...I will take it a date at a time and see just how complicated he is. If he is just a bit nervous in the beginning but could be fine when we know each other better, than I am happy to be patient (also happy to hear that ED can be helped), but constant reassurances and potential jealousy issues I am definitely not up for.

Hope it goes well but married men can easily find ways to stay overnight and have breakfast with you too.

I also immediately thought he's in another relationship, fancies a bit of no strings fun on the side, but has a slight conscience and couldn't perform due to his underlying guilt.

Agree with seashell and rulesgirl.

As the old saying goes, "If someone tell you who they are, believe them"...

True OnIlkely. I guess whether or not the ED causes him not to want anything serious is academic - he's told you he doesn't want a relationship. You don't want to fall for someone who doesn't want a relationship with you and has ED.

Oh this is a bit sad.

You meet a man. He says 'this is fun but I do not want a serious relationship'
You react by constructing any possible reason why this may not be true and gleeful thank anyone who agrees with you.
It's only been three weeks yet you are fretting and questioning but don't see that as a bit clingy and intense but just 'keeping your options open'

He doesn't tick all the boxes because he doesn't want a relationship and hasn't been able to have sex.
Those are two pretty big unticked boxes.
And you are overlooking the fact that if he really does secretly want a relationship then you are getting embroiled with a bloke who has no clue how he feels or lies about his feelings.

Don't construct an alternative reality about how great life could be if he just changes and starts to want to be serious. Because that means you are not actually interested in him but in the idealised version of him that errr...wants to be in a relationship with you.
It's not romantic. It's daft.

Wise up to yourself. Being "happy to be patient" with ED makes total sense in the context of a relationship. It makes less sense in the context of "no-strings fun", because really sex is a pretty big part of that. If you were genuinely happy to do no-strings fun, this would not be it.

Basically you want him to suddenly decide he does want a relationship after all - or even reveal that he always did and was too shy/insecure blah blah. You are doing what wiseoldowl suggested and not what practically everybody else suggested because it chimes with what you want to do, which is to continue hurling yourself against a brick wall in the hope that you can knock it down (you can't, it just hurts worse and worse). You're not "taking it easy" at all, you're analysing what he says and does for signs that your secret hopes will come true.

You are hooked. He isn't. Unhook yourself.

Sorry to be harsh but unless something improves drastically this just doesn't seem worth wasting time on. Neither his words or his actions seem all that positive and you sound like you could do so much better. Dealing with ED with a man who won't take action to sort it out is horrendous and surely far too much to deal with at the start of a relationship when things should be exciting.