Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

BF... Ideas above her station?

36 replies

Xavielli · 31/05/2006 11:09

Hey all.

My mate is training to be a midwife and is in her second year. Some things she says really hack me off....

For example... DD was 2 weeks old (I have a DS who is 17months) we went out for lunch with the kids... DD cries so I get some hot water to heat her bottle... I am informed "You're not ALLOWED to make up bottles in advance anymore, you have to make them there and then" I was like ok... if it was good enough when DS was a baby its good enough for DD...(BTW i know it has been recommended that bottles be made up for each feed, asked HV why she said because some people think they can keep the milk for ages and the gp's keep getting narked that parents keep coming in with babie with Gastro for that reason)

At same incident... bottle had been in water say... 2mins... she said "how hot are you making that?" I say body temp... she says "well its done now" Ummm.... not from ice cold luvvy!!!

Now the one that really bit the biscuit for me....
Went to a BBQ on sunday... had just changed DS's nappy I come back and she says DD is wet... I felt her nappy and said she wasn't... she said she knew she was... I thought, right she isnt gunna quit till I change her so I did... DD must have pee'd in it once!!! Wasn't even wet inside let alone out. I said "see, knew she didnt need changing"....... My BF... the caring future midwife comes out with....

"You might be a Mum but I know more about nappies than you!"

I was livid!! So, have you changed atleast 4 nappies a day for 17months have you? Do you know how long they can wear a nappy before it becomes uncomfortable? Do you have to pay money for the bloody things every week to throw them away after one wee?

Sorry if this is an over reaction... I just feel that to a certain degree this is the general consensus amoung health officials who don't have children... "I am educated about these things so what would you know?"

What the hell happened to GP's and Midwives trusting a mothers instinct?

Sorry... rant over.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 31/05/2006 11:17

Oh god she sounds like a nightmare friend!
I presume she's not a mother herself...

robin3 · 31/05/2006 11:18

That would bug me SO much.....don't know what to suggest because I personally would hate to fight over it but I'm not sure I could ignore it either. I'd probably just avoid her which doesn't help anyone.

bluejelly · 31/05/2006 11:21

My (childless) BF used to lecture me on various aspects of parenting... used to really really irritate me.
However I bit my tongue an awful lot and now that my dd is older it happens an awful lot less and we seem to have regained our equilibrium...
Could be worth taking the long term view-- it's got to be useful to have a fully-trained midwife BF at some point in your life? ( or is that horribly cynical?)

compo · 31/05/2006 11:22

Is she your best friend??????? She sounds horrid!! I would try to void her but when you do see her bite your tongue and remind yourself that one day she'll find out the hard way that she doesnt know it all!!

acnebride · 31/05/2006 11:25

Mein Gott. I think if a friend of mine came out with the nappies comment I would have just stared, pmsl and told her she had just signed up to take ds for 2 weeks while i went on holiday, since she was such a bloody expert.

The only slightly worrying thing is the prospect of actually meeting her in a delivery room one day...

Lact8 · 31/05/2006 11:25

Sounds to me like she's developing just the right attitude needed to be a HV! You should ask her is she sure midwifery is the career for her

No real advice to to offer other than remember you can read every book on childcare, parenting etc but you never really know what it's like til you've got your own

fattiemumma · 31/05/2006 11:26

sorry but your friend is everything thats wrong with midwifery and HV's.

women who have no children of their pwn, have no practicle experiance of raising children yet they read a book and think they know it all!

she should be left witha youngchild for a weekend and see if she can do everything her books tell her to.

Tel her to take her head from her arse and to actaully looka round at what REAL mothers do.
i know it sounds harsh but she will be a much better midwife for it.

at the moment she is gonna be qualified to do nothign more than make already nervous first time mothers even more neurotic!

TheOutlawJessaOfJamberoo · 31/05/2006 11:29

Lots of 'smiling sweetly' and mental 'tra la la's' shoudl do the trick..let it all wash over you, don't change a nappy just cos she tells you too, do the 'smile' (same one used universally for MIL's!!) and say "oh it'll be okay for a while"...stick to your guns, you know you're right. Her knowledge is 'book-learning' yours is hands-on experience...
It's easy to get over-enthusiastic about stuff you are learning ( like when you read some parenting book before you actually have any kids and think it sounds great and plan to do it just like that! - cue manic laughter!!)...

bluejelly · 31/05/2006 11:38

Oh and get her to change the nappies if they bother her so much!

Iklboo · 31/05/2006 11:41

Ask her what the weather's like up her @rse! Then get her to babysit for you for a week or so. She'll soon change her tune/

blueshoes · 31/05/2006 11:51

Your mate is out of line. Any, erm, HV (why is a midwife-in-training giving advice on babycare?? She is straying way out of her brief) who tried to dictate to me would get shortshrift or the passive-aggressive smiley yes-yes but not do anything attitude from me.

Fine for the HV to spout the party line. But only someone who has been a mother would know that the official position and what a mother actually does are two different things. It is for the HV to state the risks but for the mother to decide what to do, because the mother knows her own child better than any health official. Any health professional who does not respect a mothers' judgment is arrogant beyond belief and a liability to the profession.

poppiesinaline · 31/05/2006 12:42

Xavielli - oooooo I boiled RED when I read your post. That would REALLy do my head in! I have a childless friend who reads all the parenting books and still tells me how to raise my children - even after my 3rd!! She doesnt only do it to me but our whole circle of friends and completely pisses everyone off.

I avoid her if I can and normally just smile sweetly when she 'starts'. But I always stick to my guns and do what I think I should be doing and how I should be doing it.

Occasionally, when she has truely pissed me off I have said something but it never does any good anyway. We are all just sitting quietly waiting until the time she announces she is pregnant. Oh the fun we will have

Although, I think with your friend I would find it very hard to keep my mouth shut. I like the idea of leaving the kids with her for a weekend though.

wilbur · 31/05/2006 12:47

Have you seen that programme on Discovery Health - Crash Test Mummies? A mother leaves her kids with child-free friend, or sometimes useless husband, for a couple of days to see how they cope. It v good. You should direct your friend towards it Xavielli. Or just blow a raspberry in her face the next time she gives you advice.

poppiesinaline · 31/05/2006 12:58

or have a tantrum. Next time she starts on you, tip all the prepared bottles down the sink, dump the baby and the toddler on her knee and say "Thats it, Ive had enough. I am going out for a coffee. You are in charge seeing as you seem to know it all"

and storm out.

See how that goes down.

oops · 31/05/2006 12:59

i suppose one day she will look back and blush about how mad she is just now

often when you are learning alot at a time, there does come an arrogance too i think...
maybe ask if any of her classes need a RL mum to give them some information they just can't get fro the books

or let her know how luck she is to have a friend like you who will discuss the Rl stuff with her...and then go on and on and on about the minutest details of all the nappies you ahve done that week etc...

or just ask her to get a shorter horse.

Normsnockers · 31/05/2006 13:09

Midwives and health visitors should have badges with stars on like McDonalds staff. 1 gold star for each child of their own then we wouldn't waste time listening to those with no stars as frankly they are just spouting stuff we can all read for ourselves which they haven't tried to put into practice.

I make a point now of asking if midwives or health visitors have any children of their own. You'd be amazed how many haven't.

When ds2 arrives in September, I will be making bottles up in advance, once a day and keeping them in the fridge until required just as I did last time. I trust myself to throw them away if unused after 24 hours. I worked out for myself that the "make each one up fresh" idea was due to idiots trying to use them after they had been made up too long or not chilling them quickly enough and the possible gastro problems.

I'd suggest that your frined logs onto to MN and finds out about the reality of birth and childcare !

Kathy1972 · 31/05/2006 13:17

I don't know, Normsnockers - what if you had a midwive who'd had 4 children herself with really easy births with no pain relief so couldn't see why you were demanding drugs? Would be worse than the ones with no stars at all IMO.

We make up our cooled boiled water in batches to add the powder at the last moment but I've been told you're not supposed to do that either . Yeah right

Xavielli, I think you need to learn to be patronising back. For a start you could trawl through lots of stories on Mumsnet about crap midwives people have had, midwives who don't know anything about bf etc, and then quote them in horrified tones to your friend, adding, 'It's so sad that no-one seems to have any respect for midwives any more.'

RedZuleika · 31/05/2006 13:22

Perhaps it's just a case of a little knowledge being a dangerous thing? She's full of arrogance having done some of her course, but will calm down again when she is actually called to put it into practice - and may by the end be a reasonable and sensitive professional. That's certainly happened with friends who have now qualified as doctors (who, as medics, should have carried a government health warning).

Incidentally - re keeping milk - if you can store breastmilk for 24 hours in the fridge, I would have assumed formula would be similar.

Original poster

Xavielli · 31/05/2006 15:39

Thing is... I love her to bits and she is really great most of the time, its just the odd comments.

I have had 2 really easy births, but after my 1st was born the midwives were crap.. you could tell if they weren't actually delivering babies they didnt give a toss. ie.. when asking for help BFeeding all the did was grab a bood and shove him on.. all well and good, but i wanted to go home and wasnt comfortable doing so without knowing how to latch him on, i was only 19 when he was born, 3weeks early and he was the 1st baby I ever held. So I very downheartedly switched to bottles.

after DD (baby no2) was born, I mentioned to said friend that there was a really nice older midwife looking after me who had pulled out all the stops to get the Paeds to come check the baby so i could go home early, who had been telling me her experiences of having 2 children. Friend starts up with " Oh if you think to be a good midwife you have to have children then I won't bother to deliver your next one" She knew I had a hard time with the MW there last time and just couldnt see my point that there was actually a nice one there, just took it as an attack.

Also, something else that really chuffs me off, I am a believer that the way you talk to a child is the way they will turn out, if DS does anything wrong she turns round and calls him "shit bag" shit head" "shit for brains" I cannot hold my mouth at this.

If someone elses child is playing up and say, i am talking to DP about it.. Even then I would never come out with "that X is a right little shit" I would say " X was being a bit of a pickle today" Why can't others think about how their words affect people? I wouldnt dream of putting a verbal curse on anyone let alone a 17months old baby!

Grrrr!!! Sorry, just been stewing for a while, she also said "Oh i'll be alright when I have kids because I know how to handle babies"

Yeah, and we know thats ALL there is to it!!

I am sure it will bite her in the arse when she has her own.

So glad I am not alone in feeling this way and that you havent told me I am over reacting. DP was fuming also!

OP posts:

Socci · 31/05/2006 15:43

She sounds pathetic. I think she's lucky you put up with her.

neena28 · 31/05/2006 15:45

I can kid of get that she 'thinks' she is helping with the comments about how you should do things but the comments about other kids are truely awful.

I am that she might even think this let alone actually say any of it. I don't think you should hold your tongue esp if she says anything like that about your kids.

If she really wants to work with mums, pregnant or not, she needs to moderate her behaviour now.

I am furious reading what you put and would be ready to kill her if I actually heard it myself.

sugarfree · 31/05/2006 15:46

Frankly I am too cross on your behalf to post anything constructive at all at the moment.I may come back if scrubbing my oven shelves does anything to improve my temper.
Unlikely,I fear.....

intergalacticwalrus · 31/05/2006 15:52

Like the McDonalds stars idea!!!! Brilliant!

I get this from a childless friend of mine. Like the "my child would never use a dummy/eat sweets/watch tv" I just shut my gob, and think just you wait until you haven't slept for 2 months or had a poo without someone shouting "mummy" umpteen times

FireFly81 · 31/05/2006 15:58

I wouldnt have been able to keep quiet myself, how dare she! That would've made me so angry...

Caligula · 31/05/2006 16:00

someone who is training to be a midwife is using terms like shitforbrains to a child??????

???????????????????????????????????

Eh?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She also sounds like an absolute bitch, tbh. With no humility at all. Hope none of my friends ever have to deliver with her as their midwife.

Flip

1 2