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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Apparently I can rely on him as long as I don't need him too much!

33 replies

Mistresshunter · 19/06/2013 23:27

Does this make sense to anyone? Can't work out if my DP is being reasonable or a bit of a twat! We are in a long distance relationship and he recently let me down big time as I lost my Dad last year and so found last Sunday very hard, he reassured me he would be around in evening to talk but he buggered off drinking with friends instead and didn't even text me to tell me his change of plans. His explanation was that I can rely on him but only if I don't need to too much!
Think it might be a men and intimacy issue or could just be he is a selfish git.......

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 19/06/2013 23:32

It's not a 'men and intimacy' issue. It's a 'him' issue. He's telling you who he is. Listen to him. He's made it clear that he's an unsupportive partner.

SugarandSpice126 · 19/06/2013 23:40

As pinky said - This isn't a 'men and intimacy' issue, it's a 'he's a selfish twat' issue. He promised to be there for you at a very difficult time and he let you down in the most selfish way. I wouldn't be with someone who treated me with such disregard. He only cared about himself. He had a choice to be there for you when he promised, or go and get drunk with his friends...he chose the latter. He will only get more selfish, not less.

Original poster

Mistresshunter · 19/06/2013 23:48

He doesn't see himself like that though, he wants it to be my fault that he let me down, or at least not totally his fault. It's hard when low to cope with this crap so will try to find a way of distancing myself from him I think

OP posts:

Monty27 · 19/06/2013 23:59

Mistress you've worked out for yourself. It's unlikely to improve and you know what you've got to do.

SugarandSpice126 · 20/06/2013 01:24

There is literally no way it could possibly be your fault. I don't even get how he would argue that. If he actually hates being relied on/has intimacy problems, them he's either just a twat or needs some serious therapy. What exactly did he say when you found out/he told you he went drinking?

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 20/06/2013 01:56

It's a dselfish git thing. Distance? All the way from here to China. Unless you're in China.

Bogeyface · 20/06/2013 01:56

OF course he doesnt see himself like that, and of course he needs it to be your fault! Because if it wasnt your fault then that would mean he is a selfish twat.

It isnt your fault so........

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/06/2013 06:24

It's an advantage that it's long-distance. When you dump this insensitive idiot, you won't bump into him again...

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 20/06/2013 06:34

He said he'd be there for you but then he wasn't and he didn't even bother to tell you first?

And this is your fault how?

Sorry about your dad x

calmingtea · 20/06/2013 06:45

He's not worth it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2013 06:48

You don't need such a person in your life but what made you think that you did in the first place?.

He really is a selfish twat, its not a men and intimacy issue at all.

When this person said this he is telling you what he is really like. He is unsupportive and selfish.

JustinBsMum · 20/06/2013 07:19

Have you made allowances for his behaviour before?

Lweji · 20/06/2013 07:25

So, what can you rely on him for?
Sex?

Hissy · 20/06/2013 07:36

Dear god, why on earth are you with this bloke?

Cos he's not 'with' you really is he?

Seriously, EVERYONE on earth is worth more than this. He really is a monumental arse.

SirRaymondClench · 20/06/2013 07:37

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you both?
I am sorry to hear about your dad, it must have been very hard on Sunday for you.
This waste of space let you down and told you everything you need to know about himself.
I think you can do a lot better than him and you deserve more than being second best to a pub visit with this guys mates.
Ditch this loser and find someone you can rely on to put you first when you need them.

tribpot · 20/06/2013 07:40

This is most decidedly not a 'men and intimacy' issue. This is most decidedly a 'your boyfriend is an insensitive, flaky, selfish twat' issue.

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your dad, and the anniversary of that which was always going to be hard. But please don't let that persuade you to keep this guy around rather than face up to the fact he's a shit. I think your dad would want you to be with someone who cared for and respected you.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/06/2013 07:47

No, you'd actually spelt out in advance what was required and he'd agreed. There'd be some room for ambiguity if you were expecting him to notice the date and understand what support would be required.

He let you down. You weren't even asking much in this instance. This was about providing sympathy for a clearly identifiable, predictable instance of sadness, which bears no relation to him. How would he cope with your being upset about something for which he could be considered partly responsible? Something that is required frequently in relationships.

So, he's willing to sleep with you but not to be your boyfriend. Rubbish.

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 08:02

One day I will hunt down the person who invented "men and intimacy issues". I don't think I have ever known a relationship issue amongst me or my friends that genuinely fell into that space. It only ever seems to be evoked as a blank cheque for twattish behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/06/2013 09:40

On your hunting trip MadBusLady can I come with you and bag a few 'boys will be boys' advocates?.... I think the blank cheque gets written very early.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/06/2013 10:00

Only if you don't need him too much? So, not every time you lose a parent then. Perhaps you could get him to put a definite number on how many times a year it is reasonable to ask him to be supportive.

Or, perhaps you can say "this is not working for me, bye" and start dating real grown-ups. They do exist.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/06/2013 10:22

Long distance relationship in terms of miles and also apparently emotional closeness. You shouldn't feel like you have to book an appointment to get his support so it doesn't clash with a trip down the pub. Perhaps this relationship has run its course.

SirRaymondClench · 20/06/2013 11:08

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 11:24

We'll get a bit of practice in first by picking off the inventors of "boy time". Easy meat.

TalkativeJim · 20/06/2013 11:26

Yes, I think you will find that there really isn't any such thing as a 'men and intimacy' issue, any more than there is a 'people with brown eyes and intimacy' issue. However, there is a rather large correlation between being a humungous steaming twat and having 'intimacy issues', aka being monumentally selfish and not wanting to have to consider any one else's feelings when you want to go out and have fun.

So I think you would be better off concluding that his 'intimacy issues' point to him being a total knobber, rather than just a bloke. In fact plenty of blokes are rather brilliant.

Did you know, research also shows a HUGE correlation between dumping massive selfish knobbers and a strong rise in happiness and self-esteem, on average ohh, about 30 seconds after doing the dumping?

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 11:29

I think I was in the trial group in that study, TalkativeJim

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