Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional Affair vs School girl Crush

29 replies

saltbella · 19/06/2013 22:32

Hi,

I have been loking at various signs of being an emotional affair etc, and I still can't decide, how do you tell if you/someone are in an emotional affair or just has a crush on someone irl? What is the difference?

OP posts:
TaikWanda · 19/06/2013 22:33

Surely one is reciprocated and the other isn't?

cocolepew · 19/06/2013 22:34

It takes two to have an emotional affair, a crush is 'secret', just you knowing IYSWIM.
This is my take on it.

Original poster
saltbella · 19/06/2013 22:45

but How do you tell if it is mutual?

In an EA things can be subtle, not overtly telling each other feelings, or admitting them, not overtly sexual language used.

So maybe one person is naturally open and stuff, and is affectionate to everyone, normally buys gifts with the people they work with or that do stuff for them, ifyswim

then it is hard to tell. Because of crush might read things in to actions or conversations that they wouldnt ordinarily?

OP posts:
Original poster
saltbella · 19/06/2013 22:46

and if someone encourages a crush by giving attention, sharing stuff etc does that make it an EA?

OP posts:
Original poster
saltbella · 19/06/2013 22:55

Anyone?

[I forgot the intro - longtime user namechanger pombears/greggs/rivers of stuff/rec/tole issues/friday night specials m&s is best shop in the world etc etc]

OP posts:
Original poster
saltbella · 20/06/2013 10:30

bump

OP posts:
scaevola · 20/06/2013 10:38

Crush is admiring fom afar.

EA is when you are in private contact with another person and you are hiding the extent/nature of the contact from your primary partner.

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 10:44

Occam's razor, the simplest explanation is the most likely. If a person is generally a massive oversharing flirt affectionate to everyone and buys them presents, it's because that's what they're like. If you can see that they do that "looking at you like you're the only woman/man in the room" to everyone, then it doesn't mean anything particularly special when they do it to you.

Over-analyzing someone's actions in the hope of detecting the signs of their hidden passion for you is a one-way ticket to madness.

Original poster
saltbella · 20/06/2013 10:45

thank you. That is helpful.

I am thinking maybe one person sees the conversation as normal, and the other sees them as something more. But then it would still be an EA?

I am confused as some of the red flags are there but not others

like saying we're just friends, daydreaming, looking forward to seeing them, wanting to tell them things, sharing emotions - are these not things that occur in a crush.

others arent there like sharing intimate problems, i know that neither of us would talk about issues with marriage etc with the other person as that is personal stuff, "my wife doesnt understand me" any man who said that to me would get a slap, as of course long term partners who you live with know you better then randoms.

OP posts:
Original poster
saltbella · 20/06/2013 10:47

lol@mad bus, yes is delusion! thats why I am thinking crush! lol

but then we do share emotions, spend a lot of time talking to each other and so on. So I don't know if my mind is trying to justify the unjustifiable.

OP posts:
Stopanuary · 20/06/2013 11:30

Whichever it is though, wouldn't the logical response be to curtail or reduce contact?

piprabbit · 20/06/2013 11:39

I think if person A thinks the conversation is normal and person B thinks there is more too it, then it is still a crush.
It only becomes an EA if person A is aware that person B is overstepping boundaries and allows themselves to be complicit in the conversation(s) continuing. e.g. If person B were to start saying how terrific person A is, how person B wouldn't be able to cope without their support etc. then person A should take that as a red flag and withdraw themselves from the situation.

Original poster
saltbella · 20/06/2013 14:03

thank you,

so if person A knows and encourages it subtley, even though hasnt got same depth of feelings, then is an EA

and yes reducing contact would be logical....

OP posts:
scaevola · 20/06/2013 14:06

If you're having to go into hairsplitting detail of definitions, then it's not OK.

Original poster
saltbella · 20/06/2013 14:42

but maybe is just all in my head?

OP posts:
scaevola · 20/06/2013 14:45

Whether crush or EA, better reduce the amount of head space they are taking up.

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 15:09

Even if it's all in your head, wouldn't reducing contact be the best way to stop it absorbing all your thinking time anyway? I think that's what Stopanuary is getting at. Whatever his true position, this doesn't sound like much fun for you!

badinage · 20/06/2013 15:14

Surely it's if you fancy the person and wouldn't want a partner overhearing or seeing your interactions with him/her? So the fancying and aspects of what gets said and done are kept secret from a partner? For example, there might be no secrecy about the very existence of this other person, but there's secrecy about the sexual feelings and exactly what happens and is said.

Original poster
saltbella · 20/06/2013 16:16

I think what I am looking for is a list of guidelines/ boundaries for interaction

  1. no flirting or sexual innuendo
  2. not telling about events/ feelings before anyone else
  3. not being in a room alone
  4. no unnecessary contact

Anything else?

OP posts:
Original poster
saltbella · 20/06/2013 16:16

But the thing is it is fun

OP posts:
Original poster
saltbella · 20/06/2013 16:18

And all my fb email etc is accessible on multiple devices like family iPad, my log in details even on husbands phone, so I know he can see if he wants too, but he has never been the type to need to check up on me, although recently I have found myself deleting the odd comments here and there.

OP posts:
ThisHurts · 20/06/2013 16:22

I think it becomes an EA when you feel the need to start lying/hiding things.

Snugglepiggy · 20/06/2013 17:35

Yes to that post ThisHurts.And when the OW says I love you,as she did to my DH and he didn't stop the contact,become open about their 'friendship' which had been intensifying for months and stop texting her back time and time again then that to me had become an EA.
Both DH and OW knew they were overstepping the boundaries of platonic friendship.Both knew they were indulging themselves in some heavy duty and secretive flirting, and offloading family problems and issues on each other whilst me and her DH were unaware.That to me is an EA of sorts and I will always regard it as such.

badinage · 20/06/2013 17:56

Why would your husband snoop though? I wouldn't comfort yourself too much with the in plain sight defence you've got going on there.

If you're hiding anything, deleting or keeping secrets then it doesn't matter what label you attach to it, it's going to damage you and it's going to damage your marriage.

Are you looking for a definition so that if one of the boxes isn't ticked for some reason, you can carry on regardless?

skyeskyeskye · 20/06/2013 18:02

if you are deleting things and keeping secrets from your partner, then you are crossing the line into an emotional affair. a crush is not reciprocated.