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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lying H wont leave

33 replies

CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 22:30

This is my first post. I really need help. I am desperate.

I am the biggest fool. Been with H for 27 years, married for 25 years. He was my first boyfriend. Always knew he lied but kept giving him second (and third and fourth!) chances and believing his excuses. I thought he basically loved me and our 3 DC. Like I said I must be the most gullible person alive.

About 18 months ago I found more lies and it really was just one lie too many, I had had enough and asked him to leave. I was so worried about my youngest DD, she is a sensitive soul and I wanted to make the split as easy on her and the older DCs as possible. They really have to come first. My older two have had big years, my oldest DD's final year at Uni and my DS's GCSE's, so I wanted home to be as settled as possible and I've kept trying to ask H to leave quietly and say he's working away or whatever - no big dramatic scene.

I have repeatedly asked him to leave and it was like mental torture - him making me go over everything again and again and him denying everything and making me repeat things. Eventually I told him to go when my DS finished his last GCSE which was on Monday. I asked where he was going to and he said he hadn't had time to find anything. After 18 months.

I don't know what to do. He wont go. He is going to keep fobbing me off and making excuses, using the DC to keep me quiet. I haven't many friends here as we have moved into the area, so I haven't told anyone that we are separated. It's awful and he doesn't seem to care that I am in a state. I am trying my best to hold it together but I think I have been fooling myself for years, he only cares about himself. I go upstairs as soon as he comes in from work and I don't want this to continue.
What can I do?

OP posts:
Tortington · 19/06/2013 22:33

sell the house

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/06/2013 22:36

Start Divorce proceedings and get legal advice, bet he has got done. He may have had advice to stay in the house this is a very real possibility.

mrsfuzzy · 19/06/2013 22:49

don't be quiet about things, don't put up with his crap, take control of the situation and get advice, play him at his own game but try to keep it civil for the sake of the dc, it won't be easy but you can do this, good luck

CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 22:51

Thank you for your advice x I dont think he has had legal advice, but there again I didn't think I would ever be in this situation.
I will go and see a solicitor and just keep trying to keep calm.

OP posts:
CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 22:52

Thank you mrsfuzzy.

OP posts:
simpson · 19/06/2013 22:54

Agree with what others have said.

Make it clear that you mean business, tell him you are seeing a solicitor if need be (but don't if he will kick off).

In the mean time I would make him sleep in another room, stop doing his washing/cooking etc....

CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 22:58

He has been sleeping downstairs for the last 18 months! Feel like I have to cook for him as I cook for the kids and I dont want to seem petty, but I will definitely stop cooking and washing.

OP posts:
badinage · 19/06/2013 23:00

Issue a divorce petition, tell the children and all family/friends and tell him you insist on living separately. Try to broker an agreement about who lives where and where the children will live. If he won't move out, get a legal charge put on the house to prevent him from selling it from under you and consider moving out yourself until it's sold/he or you have bought eachother out of it.

badinage · 19/06/2013 23:02

It's really important to tell the children what is going on now and explaining to them why you've been living like this as a couple for so long. It would be awful if they thought this was what a normal relationship looks like and they need guidance that this relationship was dysfunctional and in no way normal or healthy.

Diagonally · 19/06/2013 23:04

Start divorce proceedings and book up mediation to sort out the financials.

CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 23:07

Oh that's what I am worried about badinage.
I am hoping that if I see a solicitor, he will believe I am serious and we can sort this out amicably.

OP posts:
simpson · 19/06/2013 23:14

Good idea to tell the kids, maybe speak to him about how to tell the kids you have split up.

Have you told family/friends?

CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 23:18

I will try and talk to him again.
I have mentioned something to my sister a few months ago, but I dont think she realises how serious things are and just assumes I will put up with him as we have been together so long.

My good friends live overseas where we have moved from, so its difficult.

OP posts:
CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 23:20

i am scared to tell the kids.

But I think badinage is right, living like this is awful and they should know its not ok.

OP posts:
simpson · 19/06/2013 23:20

Why are you scared to tell the kids? Not judging, just curious...

CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 23:22

It's going to be awful for them and I dont want to hurt them.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/06/2013 23:24

Divorce him. He will be forced to act. Your kids will have to face it sometime, unless you plan staying with this dick forever.

CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 23:27

Good God no! I think he has taken up enough of my time.

OP posts:
simpson · 19/06/2013 23:35

Agree with AF, and trust me I have been there.

You cannot protect them from every little thing and its better that they know the truth.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2013 23:37

Then there is no more to say, love

Start the ball rolling tomorrow x

badinage · 19/06/2013 23:38

Your kids will have already been upset by this sham family life and they are going to be even more upset if you two are living in enmity, doing your chores separately. I groan when I see this suggested because I had to live through a period like that as a child and it was hell on earth.

It was so much better when they started living separately and I could spend time with them individually.

There's no way your kids think this is happy family life. At their age they've seen something different in other people's homes. They might not like change in the way that none of us do, but it might be a huge relief to them that the tension is over.

If I could get you to consider one thing for your children, it would be not to prolong the agony and start living separately asap.

simpson · 19/06/2013 23:38

Good luck xx

Let us know how you get on.

Will you be ok financially when he moves out re mortgage etc?

If not, get to the CAB ASAP.

LapsedPacifist · 19/06/2013 23:40

Everything the wonderful Custardo has said.

Feel like I have to cook for him.
Just don't. Why are you behaving as if YOU are the guilty party? He doesn't deserve your food or your care. He is a cheating lying pig.

I will try and talk to him again.
Don't bother. There is no point. He twists your head every time you try to 'discuss things' with him. Stop engaging with him and sort out YOUR life. Go and see a solicitor.

I am scared to tell the kids. It's going to be awful for them and I dont want to hurt them.
Do you honestly believe they haven't noticed things are totally messed up? They aren't babies - they are teenagers and undergraduates!

I'm willing to bet your children are actively trying to protect YOU by pretending everything at home is normal, because they don't want to make your life more difficult.

CharlieandRosie · 19/06/2013 23:41

Thank you.
It is better that they know the truth. It will be a relief. I wish it had all blown up at the time instead of me trying to be civilised. Funny thing is, he has continued to lie all throughout the last few months. What a stupid bastard, throwing away his lovely family.

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 19/06/2013 23:42

You are married, you have a lot of rights over the marital home etc. Has he always worked or has he been staying at home?