Is it normal to feel that you aren't a very good mother?

[Pinkflipflop]

Not all the time but some days? Please say it is

My dc is almost five months and he used to be so chilled out but in the last couple of weeks he has become very demanding. He doesn't want to be put down, hates me to be away from him - even for a short time, wants cuddled, carried and entertained ALL the time.

He cries lots but its nothing serious as as soon as I lift him he laughs and giggles.

I posted a thread on parenting earlier but a few more things have come to mind.

Could it be that I'm not a very good mum? The other day when I went to visit a potential child minder he was crying and thrashing for no reason I could fathom; the child minder asked to hold him and he fell asleep on her straight away- he never does this on me.

Today I was out for coffee with a mum who had her baby with her (same age as ds). Her baby was so happy and chilled but mine just thrashed and his whole body went rigid until I lifted him.

Sometimes I just can't wait for bedtime. I feel like a shitty mum. Today I used ready made cartons of formula milk as I just couldn't get organised. I'm a teacher so I'm not normally a disorganised person.

The other mum I was out with today is breastfeeding and had her baby in a sling, I couldn't do either - sling gave me severe neck pain.

I took him with me for a beauticians apt this aft but he screamed throughout it. I would just love some time to chill out but I have a 5 month old baby so I feel selfish for wanting time away from him.

I think I am missing the motherly gene, I don't feel like I'm very good at mothering but I really love him but I'm just not good at being totally selfless.

I feel like I'm fumbling in the dark somedays. I started out being a relatively good mum I think but for some bizarre reason I'm starting to find it harder now.

Sorry, I'm rambling. My ds is absolutely well looked after, in case anyone is thinking I'm neglecting him. We walk, read, cuddle, have baby massage, play on floor, I do everything I can think of to make him happy.

I think I need some words of wisdom.

I'm sure you are great. I feel like this all the time, but I really am not a very good mother! My kids are now 16,14, 11 & 8. They exhaust me and I crave space away from them.... !!

I honestly believe that as a parent, you'll get to a point when you think you've cracked it (whatever 'it' may be) and then just as you feel sure of yourself as a mum/dad another curve ball is thrown your way.

Fake it til you make it

You sound like a very caring, loving mum and that in itself makes you a good mum!

(But yes, it's totally normal )

Completely normal. Don't fret.

Yes.

My DS didn't seem to like being a baby. He was always cross and thrashy. He cheered right up once he could turn over and crawl and has been a happy boy since he could walk ( albeit often with bruises or scabby knees).

And he seems perfectly content with my mothering now, though as a baby he was permanently grumpy.

Yes it's normal. We're all just muddling along really. Doing the best we can, making mistakes and thinking everyone else is doing a much better job than we are!! :) FWIW I couldn't put my baby in a sling (or backpack) ever. Some kids are made of flesh and bone but mine appeared to be made out of neat Kryptonite.... Never got the hang of playing with him either. Thank god he's too old to watch Tellytubbies any more.

Sometimes you get so tired you think you'd quite happily leave them on the next bus and walk away... other times they do something particularly adorable and you're good for a few more weeks.

You're the best mum your DS will ever have... Just being you makes him happy. How cool is that?

Yes it is normal to sometimes doubt yourself, but it sounds like you're doing a great job. It is also fine to crave time away sometimes and if it can be arranged, a bit of you time would do you good- a massage, dinner with friends etc.

No one tells you how difficult and exhausting it is, how it can make you feel frustrated and resentful and that those feelings, while hard for you to handle, are ok. You're doing great.

However maybe have a think about going to the gp- do you think you could have pnd?
Remember that it's always just a phase- the clinginess, sleep refusal, refusal to settle on you, only settling on you... it'll pass.

The funny thing is that he thinks you're amazing. Seriously. He thinks you're the best thing that's ever happened to him.

I think maybe you're so used to the cause and effect of everyday life (before you had him) so you knew if you did X, Y would happen, near enough every time, but with babies all of that goes out of the window. He was just as likely to go rigid and give himself a hernia if the childminder held him as he was to go to sleep. There is no logic and that's terrifying when you're used to a relatively well ordered world.

Chat to him and smile at him and don't take offence when he doesn't do what you expect. He's your best friend and he thinks you're fantastic. He just hasn't learned how to do things properly and it frustrates him as much as you.

Yep. I'm amazed my kids love me, but against all reason, they do.

"A mother's place is in the wrong" - one of my (brilliant, much loved) Mum's favourite sayings.

I have the happiest memories of my childhood, I was happy, secure and we had a whale of a time. My Mum is frequently surprised when I talk about some cherished memory, as she remembers feeling like she should have done more/gone earlier/tried harder etc etc, and she is endlessly relieved that we all had such a good time!

Oh totally and completely normal. For me anyway. I had a high maintenance baby too.
No-one ever tells you, eh?

Please dont worry about this feeling , it will pass, all mums have felt it at some point! Mine are older now and I still want to throw in the towel every once in a while, its normal.just like how you can love your working life but some days its just bleugh, incidently could little one be teething? Mine acted up loads when they were .

Everything you describe is completely normal.

We all have 'ideal' scenarios and 'best I can do at this moment' reality. Most of us are living in the 'this is the best thing I can do at this moment'.
I know I am.

Honestly, honestly, everything you are experiencing is totally normal. I felt exactly like you, reading your post has made it all come flooding back. DS would never just settle, ever. He was struggling against me, felt hot all the time and was always moaning. I don't mean crying, I mean a deep fed up moan - ALL DAY. I can remember it exactly, it was the day after a friends birthday and something just clicked and he went through this stage of moaning, constantly. I found it horrendous. There was nothing wrong with him, he just wanted to be carried round all the time. I tried slings, and to be honest felt a bit of a prick wearing one. He was also a big formula fed baby and I'm short and just didn't get on with it. I also had extensive issues with breast feeding like you and bottle feeds never used to last long enough, it was the only time he seemed content other than being carried! I also cried my eyes out one day at my Mums because I felt that he liked everyone but me, would be "good" for everyone but me...and he NEVER just "dropped" off....miles I walked, up and down in the hope he'd just bloody fall asleep for a bit!

Things I found that helped were:

1. Getting out with him in the pram as much as possible. If he's not already, put him in a pushchair so he can see out and around rather than laying in the pram.

2. putting him in the bouncy chair up on the side while I cooked so he was level with me and chatting to him.

3. Get out alone! Have you got someone that can have him just for an hour or so? You will feel so refreshed!

4. bath with him, it's a fun time and will help you to feel close to him.

5. harsh as it sounds, let him to have a cry now and again. If he's safe, clean, fed and dry and you need to get on with something, just leave him for a bit.

6. weaned him at 5.5 months, he was hungry all the time.

The bottom line is, he's becoming so aware of his surroundings now and working out what's what. He will feed off any anxiety that you give off so will become more "rigid" if you are feeling stressed or anxious about him. It's a vicious circle and hard to break and I really feel for you. It's hard work having a baby and we all see traits in other babies we are envious of, but I promise you, you are more aware of his temper etc than anyone else.

It gets easier, you're confidence is still growing, you sound like an excellent Mum, it's just new and tiring and overwhelming. I promise, he loves you the most out of everyone in his world, that's why he lets you see the "real" him . I now have a 2 year old who couldn't be more delightful, and is always climbing up for a cuddle and occasionally even nods off with Mum or Dad mid cuddle! This was the child that I was convinced didn't know I was his Mum because I was formula feeding him.

You are not a bad Mum because you gave a carton of formula. That's what they're there for!

Give yourself a break and a pat on the back for a job well done. It will get easier!

Gentleness, I couldn't put it any better than you have!

Give yourself a break. You are normal, fine and great. The cartons of formula are there for a reason!

Mine was like that and when my mum picked him up he would just go quiet and fall asleep on her. It used to make me feel awful! I think some babies are just rather intense and so attached to their mums they get a bit overwhelmed. He's still a mummy's boy at two. It means he loves you to bits, basically! It's so hard but my boy is such a joy now. Hold on!

You sound brilliant.

Please don't compare your baby to other babies. Honestly. It is a snapshot in time and not representative of everything.

You are not a bad mother! If you were do you think he would constantly want your cuddles? Or cry when you leave the room? It's because he loves you he's doing this. You've said yourself you play, read and do everything to make him happy , that makes you a great mum not a bad one.

Who cares if you use ready made formula or not? He's getting fed that's the main thing. Slings aren't for everyone, my DD hated it so we moved on because it didn't work for us.

Taking time out isn't a crime, could you get someone to watch him even if its just for an hour so you get some me time? You'll feel better for it

I feel it too. My children are very challenging though. some of the people who give me advice only have one child, or, they have siblings who love each other

Totally normal

You worried about the childminder....in my case I couldn't settle my (then) baby.

DH's Ex came to visit with DSD and asked for a "hold" and the little bugger fell asleep in her arms in 2 mins flat. Mortified doesn't begin to describe how I felt

Truth is, get used to it. Kids are pretty much always better behaved for other people than parents!

10 years on and I get sooo many compliments about how well behaved he is when he is at friends - yet he's a real handful at home!

Same in reverse when his friends are here. Upshot is its totally normal and not anything to get even a tiny bit upset about!

Totally normal. Your DS sounds a lot like mine, thrashing, going stiff, everyone else's DC delighfully chilled out.
Your DS sounds like he's starting separation anxiety where they scream if you leave them and get really clingy. My DS didn't have that with me but did - and still does at 18mo - with DH weeps
Rest assured, your DS thinks you are the bee's knees, the cat's pyjamas and the mutt's nuts all rolled into one.
Just posting on here, and describing what a great time you try and give your LO, shows you to be a very good mother of the very special kind

There is a thread in parenting called something like 'has parenting affected your mental health', which you might relate to. Lots of others posting similar to you, completely normal.

What lovely posts, it's nice to read them. I'm just feeling really crappy today, like I haven't got a clue and that my baby doesn't really like me.

Honestly, I haven't cried like this since my baby blues at 5 days post natal!

Not totally sure what the problem is as everything in isolation is so minor.

You are doing great.things like using ready made formula are totally fine, not bad parenting! However when its you, and its the early months I know even little things like that feel like a failure. I think its because you have no distance whatsoever from the new and overwhelming experience of bring a mum. This makes you worry about funny things (like the formula) that looking back, you'll be surprised you cared about. I say this as a mum of a 20 month old, now back at work. I realise I obsessed about stuff during maternity leave and felt like I was often doing things wrong. I wasn't. Like you I was totally dedicated and caring. Its just its really intense, tiring, boring, frustrating...as well as joyful sometimes. Hang in there, the fussiness is a phase and its fine to want to get away sometimes.try to get a few hours here and there away from baby, it helps, even though it feels weird to start with. Good luck.

Do you have any help at all? How is your day?

It is really hard taking care of a little one. They are not so great on positive feedback [ smile].

I have 3 DCs. At times, I feel like putting them to bed at 6pm. I sympathise.

Is there anything you do for yourself (however little it may seem, it is important)?

[ flowers]

Ps: do not compare, you never get the full picture from play dates, etc. My Ebf babies were always super chilled out and about but they were glued to me most of the night.