Page 3 | Is this an affair?

naswm · 2006-05-30T21:42:57+00:00

discovered DH is in regular contact with with someone from inuivessity via the internet. They were emailign ayear but put a stop to it. But they just went on to the internet. Dont know fi they meet or talk but I am still piossed off big time. I dont kno wwheth erI am making a mountain out of a moleholl but I feel awful about ti all.

Original poster

naswm · 30/05/2006 23:53

lct8 thak for talkming but I have had it tonioght. Shatteed. I'll try to ge on here tomororw. thanks naswmw

OP posts:

Original poster

naswm · 30/05/2006 23:53

you haqve a littel one>? awww

OP posts:

Lact8 · 30/05/2006 23:55

yes, dd 5 months
ds2 - 2
ds1 - 9

How old are yours?

fattiemumma · 31/05/2006 12:26

i wouldnt jump to conclusions tbh.

i had freinds that were purely platonic that i had been going out with when i was younger.
why shoudl all break ups meen you delet that person from your life.

they broke up for a reason and he is now with you. clearly he has nothing to hide as he was quite open n telling you he has been speakign to her over the net and playing games.
suely if there was even the slightest hint of anythogn going on he would have tried to conceal it?

explain to him that your not comfortable with him being s close to an ex and try and negotiate with him what boundaries you will have. dont ask him to stop talking to her completly as that isnt fair if it is simply a freindship over the net.

morningpaper · 31/05/2006 12:31

Me and DH are still in touch with loads of our exs

It's the exs that you AREN'T in touch with that you need to worry about :)

maturer · 31/05/2006 13:12

I agree don't jump to conclusions, however the most worrying aspects of this are
he is keeping secrets from you
he is spending the precious little time you have together "with" someone else

secrets damage trust and lead to more lies and serets... you must talk about this
Having been the "victim" of an affair I know it does not have to be sex for it to be an affair...in my opinion, if a loved one is giving away part of himself to someone else- emotional and or physical, when it should only be you who gets that part, then it's an affair!
Please talk about this before it eats away at you...your posts show it's already doing that. It may opem a can of worms but believe me facing your demons is the only way to get paece of mind even if you don't like what you find.
I'd urge you, from experoence ...when life gets in the way and you forget to make time for each other PLEASE make time for each other , proper time a date, out somewhere even if it's just once every two weeks or so. Relationships need to be worked ay and we so easily fall into the trap of complacency which turns to resentment then mistrust.
Take care...it can be mended but you have to talk honestly about your feelings.

maturer · 31/05/2006 13:12

I agree don't jump to conclusions, however the most worrying aspects of this are
he is keeping secrets from you
he is spending the precious little time you have together "with" someone else

secrets damage trust and lead to more lies and serets... you must talk about this
Having been the "victim" of an affair I know it does not have to be sex for it to be an affair...in my opinion, if a loved one is giving away part of himself to someone else- emotional and or physical, when it should only be you who gets that part, then it's an affair!
Please talk about this before it eats away at you...your posts show it's already doing that. It may opem a can of worms but believe me facing your demons is the only way to get paece of mind even if you don't like what you find.
I'd urge you, from experoence ...when life gets in the way and you forget to make time for each other PLEASE make time for each other , proper time a date, out somewhere even if it's just once every two weeks or so. Relationships need to be worked ay and we so easily fall into the trap of complacency which turns to resentment then mistrust.
Take care...it can be mended but you have to talk honestly about your feelings.

maturer · 31/05/2006 13:12

I agree don't jump to conclusions, however the most worrying aspects of this are
he is keeping secrets from you
he is spending the precious little time you have together "with" someone else

secrets damage trust and lead to more lies and serets... you must talk about this
Having been the "victim" of an affair I know it does not have to be sex for it to be an affair...in my opinion, if a loved one is giving away part of himself to someone else- emotional and or physical, when it should only be you who gets that part, then it's an affair!
Please talk about this before it eats away at you...your posts show it's already doing that. It may opem a can of worms but believe me facing your demons is the only way to get paece of mind even if you don't like what you find.
I'd urge you, from experoence ...when life gets in the way and you forget to make time for each other PLEASE make time for each other , proper time a date, out somewhere even if it's just once every two weeks or so. Relationships need to be worked ay and we so easily fall into the trap of complacency which turns to resentment then mistrust.
Take care...it can be mended but you have to talk honestly about your feelings.

maturer · 31/05/2006 13:12

I agree don't jump to conclusions, however the most worrying aspects of this are
he is keeping secrets from you
he is spending the precious little time you have together "with" someone else

secrets damage trust and lead to more lies and serets... you must talk about this
Having been the "victim" of an affair I know it does not have to be sex for it to be an affair...in my opinion, if a loved one is giving away part of himself to someone else- emotional and or physical, when it should only be you who gets that part, then it's an affair!
Please talk about this before it eats away at you...your posts show it's already doing that. It may opem a can of worms but believe me facing your demons is the only way to get paece of mind even if you don't like what you find.
I'd urge you, from experoence ...when life gets in the way and you forget to make time for each other PLEASE make time for each other , proper time a date, out somewhere even if it's just once every two weeks or so. Relationships need to be worked ay and we so easily fall into the trap of complacency which turns to resentment then mistrust.
Take care...it can be mended but you have to talk honestly about your feelings.

maturer · 31/05/2006 13:12

I agree don't jump to conclusions, however the most worrying aspects of this are
he is keeping secrets from you
he is spending the precious little time you have together "with" someone else

secrets damage trust and lead to more lies and serets... you must talk about this
Having been the "victim" of an affair I know it does not have to be sex for it to be an affair...in my opinion, if a loved one is giving away part of himself to someone else- emotional and or physical, when it should only be you who gets that part, then it's an affair!
Please talk about this before it eats away at you...your posts show it's already doing that. It may opem a can of worms but believe me facing your demons is the only way to get paece of mind even if you don't like what you find.
I'd urge you, from experoence ...when life gets in the way and you forget to make time for each other PLEASE make time for each other , proper time a date, out somewhere even if it's just once every two weeks or so. Relationships need to be worked ay and we so easily fall into the trap of complacency which turns to resentment then mistrust.
Take care...it can be mended but you have to talk honestly about your feelings.

miniminx · 31/05/2006 14:46

I haven't managed to read the whole of the thread, but I have read most of it.

It doesn't sound as if he is having what anyone else would call an affair.

But that isn't really the point. Whether we think we would call it an affair is neither here nor there.

It hurts your feelings.

I wouldn't recommend presenting it to him as if you think of it in any way like an affair, unless you really do have reason to believe that it is more than a friendship.

But you can still talk to him about how it makes you feel and, as others have suggested, talk about how you might build in some more fun time with him without accusing him of doing anything wrong.

Original poster

naswm · 31/05/2006 18:14

Thanks everyone for all the sensible advice. I am sorry for my irrational and drunken posts last night. Without going in to too many details (as I am quite a private person usually) this 'relationship' is not new. 18 months ago I found lots of email correspondencce between them. It came at a time when DH and I were not getting along very well. But we discussed it and moved on, so I thought and assumed there was no more contact.

I am pretty sure that this is purely platonic but it is the jealous part of me that wishes he wasnt sharing things and playing 'games' on the net with someone else. But am I just selfsih in thinking that? I dont know. I come on MN and 'offload' after all. But generally that is when he is working.

We have too many other things going on in our lives at the moment to let this rock the boat too much, so I wont make a big deal of it. But I will try to tell him that I am upset by it. And also try to not let it get to me. That is the hard part. Thanks guys for your support last night. Especially Lact8. I am suitably today re my performance last night.

OP posts:

joanna4 · 31/05/2006 19:10

Glad to see you are thinking clearer tonight I bet your head hurt this morning though.

AllieBongo · 31/05/2006 19:13

you nearly turned into cod with your typing last night! glad you're ok. I would have been miffed too

Original poster

naswm · 31/05/2006 19:32

lol at nearly turning in to cod! you dont want to know about my head this morning...

OP posts:

Lact8 · 31/05/2006 23:29

Hi naswm

Glad your alright today and your typing's improved

Original poster

naswm · 31/05/2006 23:52

Hi lact8

OP posts:

Lact8 · 31/05/2006 23:57

Did mean to post earlier as wanted to know how you were today but I've been out this evening!

you ok?

frumpygrumpy · 31/05/2006 23:58

naswm, just ignore me if its crap........could it be that its his way of dealing with life at this moment? If its 'just' this then maybe by tolerating it, it will keep him open about it and less likely to feel that forbidden fruit is desirable. Then, as life gets onto a more solid track (and it will, it will just take its own time), he might let it go of his own accord.

As I said, ignore me if its crap.