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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am sick of hiding behind this sh*t.

36 replies

unicorn · 30/05/2006 22:24

So,I haven't changed my name. And am not really sure why I am outing myself etc.. but as I say in the OP.
Basically I have had a difficult family upbringing - counselling a while back unleashed a
few demons ,that,...oooooh... should never be mentioned (ie abuse is acceptable in the family?)
I am angry - but am not allowed to be.
You see... I, am apparently always the 'problem'in my family - and yet,I want to scream at them - it isn't just me that is f*cked up.
sorry all! very hormonal at the moment , but fed up also of people making out the 'victim' is the problem - ifysim.
I hope my post helps someone else.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 30/05/2006 22:26

Do you still feel like the victim Unicorn?

Original poster
unicorn · 30/05/2006 22:29

In my family I do, yes all the time.
Because - I shouldn't talk about what happened... (even my d?h said so much in an arguement the other night - I should 'forget it!' f*ck it is only now I have realised that it was abuse - so how can I/ why should I forget it?...... answer because it doesn't make waves.)

OP posts:
Earlybird · 30/05/2006 22:33

Are you still in counselling? Did your counsellor give any guidance about how you should deal with your anger/family?

I'm sorry, btw.

trefusis · 30/05/2006 22:39

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QE · 30/05/2006 22:39

unicorn, really sorry you are getting such shit from the very people who should be there to support you. btw your words helped me on my undercover thread tonight, thank you.

Have you had/are you having counselling? can you talk to anyone else who would be supportive in RL? Would spewing it all out here on MN help a bit?

Original poster
unicorn · 30/05/2006 22:39

Not really (on both counts)
I'm always left feeling that it is me to blame for somehow rocking the boat iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicorn · 30/05/2006 22:42

cross posted - spewing forth is what I am good at... and yep.. MN will have to cope!

OP posts:
motherinferior · 30/05/2006 22:42

Oh, unicorn.

I'm so sorry.

Families stink, I really do tend to believe. They are festering bloody cauldrons where nobody actually says what's been festering.

Mine has nothing on yours, but I so wanted to blow everything apart when my sister had anorexia - if I'd been invited to the 'family therapy' sessions I'd have done so, I think.

I'm so sorry.

Original poster
unicorn · 30/05/2006 22:49

Ta all,

I just get sick of always being classed as the problem in my family - when tbqh the whole lot of us have problems.
But this idea of family is all being kept together on the flimsiest of threads - which could be blown apart at any time.

My q... Just because your parents are old - does it mean they are not accountable?
ie Would it be malicious/vindictive to speak out about a sibling?
(even though that was the favoured child?)
I know what the MN Q is...

..what is the point now?

OP posts:
Earlybird · 30/05/2006 22:49

Hang on - you can't open a can of worms like abuse in counselling, and then be expected to carry on as normal. You must see if more counselling can be arranged - this information sounds like it's got the potential to completely wreck your family relationships (staying away may be what you ultimately decide to do, but it should be a choice instead of a huge blowout), and is even putting strain on the relationship with your dh.

Why are you so sure you can't do more counselling? You really must try...unless you already have, and haven't explained it here. And believe me, I know how painful it can be to start digging around in your psyche - but it's not something you should leave unfinished.

And please do keep posting here about it, as we'll listen/try to offer support.

trefusis · 30/05/2006 23:02

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Original poster
unicorn · 30/05/2006 23:12

thanks trefusis,
that is really interesting.. what is i I am after?
You know what..I reckon this is it..
I need a mum, to look after me a bit, I have had a really hard time bringing up my kids (felt useless generally) and I have really needed someone to take care of me.
Well, My mum has tbqh, never taken care of me, and I guess this angst(for want of a better word) has arisen because of all of this.
I guess I am angry with my mum big time but she is 80++++.
More Counselling I guess.
But.... what about the abusive sibling do we just forget it and out it down to me (ooh don't worry about unicorn... she's a bit mad?)

when should people be held accountable for juvenile 'mistakes'?

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 30/05/2006 23:18

trefusis, not garbled rubbish at all, that's a fantastic post.
unicorn - I'm so sorry. My situation is nowhere near as horrendous as yours - but I was always 'the problem' too. A meeting with my parents recently has made it clear to me that for my mother at least, this belief will never, never change. I could shout and shout and shout, and it would not get through - she has built such a wall of self-righteousness, self-pity and self-centredness around herself.
As trefusis says - what are you looking for? What do you feel you want/need?
Could you consider walking away from your family? Cutting off contact, temporarily or permanently? Is the strength that not rocking the boat is costing you worth it, for you?
Thinking of you.

foundintranslation · 30/05/2006 23:20

crossed posts. sorry.

foundintranslation · 30/05/2006 23:25

:(
it seems, from your last post, that you have never been looked after... always expected to put up and shut up.
I'd like to say this: Your anger is legitimate, your pain is legitimate, and you should not let anyone convince you it is wrong to express it or somehow 'your fault'.
Your concern should be you now. It might not get you anywhere to confront your parents - you might find it more painful than healing - or you might feel that some things just need to be said, however they respond. But I think you have to decide what to do on the basis of what you feel you need now, not on your parents' age or the supposed 'vindictiveness' of speaking out. (To those who feel this sounds callous - I'm afraid my own experience has taught me a couple of bitter lessons).

trefusis · 30/05/2006 23:33

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Original poster
unicorn · 30/05/2006 23:35

ok...
this is a lot to do with my mother (who wanted another son - and had me!)
and my brother - who basically.. well - got me to do something to him that I didn't have a clue about (I was about 8) he 12/13 - it wasn't rape.
He has always been 'Golden Boy' in the family - can do no wrong.
I recently told my older sister (in an arguement)- and have had no sympathy (it is obviously something you aren't supposed to mention.)
Unsurprisingly my brother has had nothing to do with me.
Well, I am guilty of nothing - apart from being gobby - is that a crime?
Obviously, I shouldn't have spoken out.
So - of course I could have more counselling, maybe I will, but why the hell should I be made to feel like a psycho when other people have big big, problems?

OP posts:
Hoopoe · 30/05/2006 23:41

if your family thinks you shouldn't talk about it, you definitely do need to talk about it. you are entitled to your feelings. sounds like your family isn't giving you the respect you deserve. If you can't forget something, it hasn't been resolved and needs to be addressed. Do you think you could talk to your mum and sibling (seperately) in a calm manner to get things off your chest?

trefusis · 30/05/2006 23:42

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Hoopoe · 30/05/2006 23:43

sorry - didn't see your last post SadAngry is there ever any retribution in this world???

Original poster
unicorn · 30/05/2006 23:48

God, I would'nt dream of telling my mother.
She would never believe me -then tell me I was a wicked evil bitch and probably have a heart atack - and voila - I would be responsible.
I guess I want to confront my brother - in his oh, so cosy life (maybe I am jealous?)but, my god has he been so quick to conveniently forget about me -we live 2 miles away from each other with ds's the same age- but haven't seen each other for about 2-3 years now.

OP posts:
trefusis · 30/05/2006 23:51

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Original poster
unicorn · 30/05/2006 23:58

oh yes, my sister would have told my brother they are very close (financial deals)

We had a major family row about 3 years ago (my instigation - of course) but essentially to do with my mother, my brother and Christmas.

Haven't spoken to brother since.

(took a while to speak to mother)

I guess I want to confront my brother - but the question again is why?
Am I just nasty? not really. I spose I miss the fact that my kids have relatives living round the corner that we don't see. (and my d?h blames me - I should have kept quiet you see)

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 31/05/2006 00:00

I'm really sorry unicorn, for all you've been through.

For me too, it sounds like you are being scapegoated - which means that they are putting all their screwed-up-ness on you and sending you, as it were, into the desert.

FWIW, I would rather see having counselling as a sign of strength - of the desire to face up to enormous things, avoid perpetuating destructive cycles, work towards being freer. It is the same strength that has helped you see clearly enough to realise, on some level, that this is not your fault, and to rock the boat.

foundintranslation · 31/05/2006 00:01

Just to clarify - 'on some level' refers to your realisation. None of this is your fault, on any level.

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