I am sick of hiding behind this sh*t.

[unicorn]

So,I haven't changed my name. And am not really sure why I am outing myself etc.. but as I say in the OP.
Basically I have had a difficult family upbringing - counselling a while back unleashed a
few demons ,that,...oooooh... should never be mentioned (ie abuse is acceptable in the family?)
I am angry - but am not allowed to be.
You see... I, am apparently always the 'problem'in my family - and yet,I want to scream at them - it isn't just me that is f*cked up.
sorry all! very hormonal at the moment , but fed up also of people making out the 'victim' is the problem - ifysim.
I hope my post helps someone else.

You are not nasty. You have been badly hurt and you want, rightly, acknowledgement of this, some kind of 'closure' or 'justice'.

Your worries over being vindictive or nasty sound, to me, like your family's influence talking, like you anticipating what they would say about you if you did confront him.

thanks Fit(!)
I think my d(?-because of many arguements recently)h thinks I shouldn't have spoken out... it really is a case of 'abuse' that no-one wants to hear.
So I guess, I have had no support from him - and am left feeling isolated and in the wrong - for what? Being a victim!

Is it any wonder I am angry?

I don't want bad things to happen to my brother - but my god am I sick of everyone telling me how great he is (which has been the case for much of my life)

I guess I want him to accept responsibility for his teenage self, and apologise to me.. and then see if we can try and get on.
I think he is probably living in fear that I may 'out' him to his wife,(damn sure she doesn't know) so it's best he has nothing to do with this 'nutter' in the meantime.

No, it is no wonder you're angry. I am angry on your behalf.
I have not been abused, but I too spent a long time living with this expectation that I should deny and give up my own needs for the sake of family harmony and peace. My mother has said more or less openly that I should have sacrificed myself for what she wanted me to be. It is an awful expectation. How much heavier it must weigh for you. :(

Hold firmly on to the fact that you are not in the wrong. Neither are you isolated - we are here, we know you are not the nasty or mad one. Then, and when you feel srong enough, decide whether it would help you if you were to confront your family, or even cut off all contact.

strong, sorry.
I'm going to bed now... but thinking of you. Hope you can get some restful sleep.

thanks both, and all.
I shall ponder - with no resolution I guess- but it has certainly helped me to talk to some non judgemental people.
xxx

have not been in your situation but it has obviously affected your life.why should you keep quiet .if you feel you may get some self peace by exposing the truth behind the veil of lies,wether you`re believed or not,then what have you got to lose.maybe its easier to see you as the problem as the alternatives are to horrible to think about.unfortunatly horrible people often front as wonderful people but you know the truth and may be going along with it is doing your head in.

Your parents could be described as "toxic parents" and all their children (including yourself who has been made the scapegoat for all the emotional mess they've inflicted) are victims of such toxicity. Your Mother wanted a boy and had yourself; any girl born to her at that time would have become her whipping boy. That's when it all started for yourself and the dysfunction within her was going on long before then.

Emotional dysfunction can become generational and this is what is being seen now amongst your siblings and you yourself are affected with your own demons.

You've become the focus of all this toxic family's disappointment and emotional anguish - but its their pain and anguish to deal with not yours. They have made you responsible but they are responsible for their own actions as you are for yours.

Was wondering if you've ever read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. I say this as there is a chapter in that book about abuse and reading the whole book also may help you anyway.

I know of someone who suffered prolonged sibling abuse. Again her brother can do no wrong and yet she could do no right. Again also, it's been covered up in this family also.

Would suggest as well you seek more counselling to out these demons further. If your own family cannot or will not accept what happened to you that is their fault. You should not be made to carry their sins.

Unicorn - I think you're absolutely right to be angry. You've been given some really good advice here, but I just wanted to add to what foundintranslation and attillathemeercat have said - because it seems to be at the heart of what you said at the start.

You are made to feel like the problem because that's the way that disfunctional families work - everyone else pretends it's all fine, while one person does the work of being upset and difficult. This doesn't mean that you are wrong - far from it, at least you are being honest. The whole situation is wrong, wrong, wrong - it's just that you are carrying the can of expressing it.

I'd really go and get some more counselling. Ironically, they're much more likely to accept that something is wrong if you can sort things out in your own head and move on. As long as you're still doing all of this emotional work for them, they're fine. But if you're fine, then they might have to think again...

Hope this makes sense!