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Original poster

How not to take sides?

39 replies

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 19/06/2013 08:36

One month ago, learned that school friend's partner of 8 years had walked out on her and their two young kids. Have now learned that he left her for another friend of mine that he only met three months ago and saw twice a week in a social capacity (through a hobby).

My school friend didn't see this coming and thought all was well. Her ex-partner has not moved in with my other friend, they are just "dating" although it is clear that while there may not have been an affair before he walked out, his head was turned by my other friend.

Obviously I don't know all the ins and outs but everyone is surprised he left, there were no outward signs things weren't good. Obviously, I don't know if there was any physical affair - my other friend doesn't seem the type but she will have known he was in a long-term relationship.

These things happen, of course. But I am understandably torn and feel very "piggy in the middle" and wonder how on earth I can juggle both friends. I obviously want to support my school friend but would understand that she may well have an issue with my friendship with someone she may now see as "the OW".

Advice?

OP posts:
chocoreturns · 19/06/2013 09:23

honestly? Having been the wife who was left, one of the most painful and inexplicable things (to me) was finding people I considered to be good friends seemed to accept and ignore what XH had done.

There is no such thing as staying neutral in this sort of situation. The conduct you walk past and don't challenge is the standard you accept. Whether you like it or not, being 'ok' with your friend who is dating the married man, will send a clear message to both your school friend and the now OW, and the STBXH, that you accept 'these things happen'.

FWIW they DON'T just happen to normal, decent, honest, trustworthy and respectful people. They are decisions made by selfish, uncaring people. I am no longer close to any of the mutual friends who have continued their friendship with my ex without any blip whatsoever.

I appreciate that they are entitled to their opinion and I would never dream of challenging them on their decision, but equally, I cannot stay close to people who are ok with the appalling behaviour of my children's father (and his OW) because it's clear to me we do not share the same moral compass - so I've moved, far, far away from them socially.

I'm sorry if that's blunt but I thought I may as well be as your friend who has been left with young DC is the innocent party here and it may help you to know how a neutral stance will come across to her.

Still, it's up to you how you play it - just like it was up to my former friends. Just don't be surprised if you find your schoolfriend puts a little distance between you in that case.

Original poster
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 19/06/2013 09:28

Thanks, choco, and I asked because I want honest opinions. Although I've known the school friend longer, I probably know the now OW slightly better.

Most people seem totally unfazed by it, saying that these things happen. Which surprised me. I suspect had they been married rather than partners living together, the tone would have been different from some of them.

OP posts:
chocoreturns · 19/06/2013 09:52

it's very hard, I hope that your school friend manages to get through it and you figure out the best approach for yourself.

ThingummyBob · 19/06/2013 09:59

I would sit myself firmly beside the school friend.

I agree with Choco that I would question my friendship with anyone who thought it ok to put me in the position you are in now.

I am always amazed how accepting others are when someone is a shit to their partner too. I understand family loyalty, but when friends and acquaintances choose to gloss over shitty actions I am really Hmm

Lweji · 19/06/2013 10:30

Pragmatically, you may need to choose who you want to be friends with in the first place.
Have you talked with your school friend about how she feels about this?

Original poster
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 19/06/2013 10:39

Lweji - she's not opening up very much. Last message I had from her was that the OW "does seem lovely, to be honest" and "all things happen for a reason" but I wonder how much is brave face and whether the anger is to follow. The former comment astonishes me as it suggests they have actually met somehow (I haven't enquired how and when).

I know the OW has been on her own for a long time and is 13 years younger and I wonder just how smitten he might have made her felt. Certainly if he had been my friend (I'd only met him a coupla times) I'd have no hesitation in telling him I thought he was a total shit.

The decent thing, surely, is to either (if you feel things aren't right) to work on your marriage/relationship or end it, spend some time on your own for some months and THEN start seeing someone else. I don't care if it was physical before or not - leaving someone for someone else like that is shitty. Got my judging pants on!

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/06/2013 10:47

Do you actually know how was their marriage?

Personally, I probably wouldn't have been much upset if ex had left me for another woman, as towards the end I didn't care much about him anymore.

Some men only really leave when they fall for someone else and he may not have really had an affair.

So, for now, I suppose you could still see both socially, or in private, if you were friends with both before.
The main problem would be inviting them both for a birthday for example. In which case I might try to assess how they both felt first.

Original poster
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 19/06/2013 10:54

Lweji - I wouldn't have invited them to something together, as neither would be close friends, to be honest. As I say, it may not have been physical, but he left partner and kids for someone else and as far as everyone knew (which is all we can go on) on the outside, home life was good. She definitely didn't see it coming at all.

I guess I am weighing up some judgemental feelings towards the OW with wanting to support my school friend and am not sure if I can maintain a friendship with both, as Choco described.

OP posts:
seagull61 · 19/06/2013 10:59

nobody really knows what goes on between a couple in private; if shes not upset maybe shes checked out emotionally, relieved (happy?) etc and there is always two sides to the story...
anyway I would take your cues from the people involved; if they want to be civilised do the same and stay neutral. sounds from her email she wants to you to stay out of it and is brushing you off btw so be careful.
its more a problem if they are acrimonious and vindicative and expect people to "take sides" (as if they are about 12 years old!). that's pretty shitty but sounds like you are more judgemental and angry than any of your friends tbh! bit of history there perhaps?

springytat · 19/06/2013 11:16

Judgemental? So it's judgemental to take a moral stand? Some things are wrong and, yes, it's up to us to enforce that. us as a society, that is. Back in the day, a man who did this would have been labelled a cad and given a wide berth by society. Anything goes now, for fear of being labelled 'judgemental' - the greatest crime, apparently Hmm

Original poster
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 19/06/2013 11:19

seagull - how on earth do you get all that from my postings??? I have no history at all with either friend, neither have I ever cheated or been cheated on! It is tricky to judge because in one email I will get that very placid comment I had earlier and in another very tearful stuff (without being angry). I have at no time probed her, but just let her tell me what she wants. But I am also wary that I know the OW and realise that this could become an issue and am thinking ahead as much as I can.

OP posts:
seagull61 · 19/06/2013 12:18

well I have to ask why you would get so emotive about events that are so peripheral to you. anyway if you dont want to be judgemental take off your "judging pants" and stop going on about "the decent thing", the "OW" and taking advise on "moral stances" from bitter ex-wives on MN...

foolonthehill · 19/06/2013 12:20

please support the friend who was left with the children. All the more so if everyone else is just shrugging it off as "these things happen".

However she is "presenting" herself I imagine that she is lonely, feels despised and rejected and has to keep her "good face" on because of the children.

Poor woman, poor kids.

Original poster
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 19/06/2013 12:39

Well, have just heard that it was an affair that started in January. That clears that fact up anyway.

Seagull - I'm sorry, I find cheating repugnant and I can understand why ex-wives from MN might be bitter.

OP posts:
springytat · 19/06/2013 12:44

bitter ex-wives? Would that be me? erm no, not a bitter ex-wife, as it happens Confused

But I do find adultery unpalatable , regardless what may or may not have gone on in the marriage/partnership that was abandoned for someone else. Very grubby imo. If you want to leave your relationship then do it but don't hop into the bed/life of someone else overnight. And bystanders, don't turn a blind eye to show how cool you are.

badinage · 19/06/2013 12:56

Now what could possibly be the antecedents of a poster who came on to a thread frothing about the judgements made about OW and affairs, while apparently herself judging 'bitter ex wives'? Wink

Support your old schoolfriend Jessica. It doesn't matter whether her or anyone else decides not to judge this really shitty behaviour - you've got the right to judge it yourself. Maybe if you do start judging it, you'll be giving your poor friend permission to offload about it too. It sounds like she's aware of the trickiness of your position and is trying to make this easier for you. What an amazing woman she sounds to put a friend's feelings before her own hurt eh?

Original poster
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 19/06/2013 13:02

badinage - yes, I think this may well be why she's been so reticent. Now I know it definitely was an affair, no question where my 'loyalty' lies. I'd like to think if I had been the OW, even if I had feelings for a guy who wasn't single and knew he felt something for me, I would have not acted on them - at least not until he had already left the family home for some time.

OP posts:
seagull61 · 19/06/2013 13:08

and what about morality of dumping your old friend?

springytat · 19/06/2013 13:14

That's a good point seagull. A very good point. I think we should halt the thread to consider it and your opinions. Of great worth.

Original poster
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 19/06/2013 13:20

seagull - of course we're not all perfect (although you may think you are). And we're all different. But generally I am friends with people of similar values and viewpoints. Yes, there can be differences among those viewpoints. But I think I would find it very hard to be friends with someone whose views on cheating with someone who is in a long-term relationship and has two children are so totally opposed to my own and has obviously been part of the cause of a great deal of unhappiness to another friend.

OP posts:
seagull61 · 19/06/2013 13:20

if you cant bear to hear contrary opinions, don't post on MN...

seagull61 · 19/06/2013 13:23

Jessica - you obviously have made up you mind and have no intention of "not taking sides" but watch out as this might backfire on you if everyone else does not. they will just see someone whose judgemental and got over involved in something that was not your business. its happening in RL, not MN!

springytat · 19/06/2013 13:27

Some excellent point there seagull. Well thought out.

TheOrchardKeeper · 19/06/2013 13:46

You now know that this woman (and the bloke) had an affair whist this OW knew about his wife and kids Hmm

Not a hard choice is it? Grin

You can't really be friends with both without feeling caught so it is best that you draw a line somewhere.

I personally wouldn't be able to have casual chit-chat or spend any time with someone I knew had knowingly been the OW.

Basically, the ball's in your court now OP!

TheOrchardKeeper · 19/06/2013 13:48

All that will happen if you 'take sides' and others do not...is that you might learn more about your friend's moral compasses. It would be different if you were close friends with both these women but you're not...and one of them is in a much worse situation than the other.

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