How not to take sides?

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

One month ago, learned that school friend's partner of 8 years had walked out on her and their two young kids. Have now learned that he left her for another friend of mine that he only met three months ago and saw twice a week in a social capacity (through a hobby).

My school friend didn't see this coming and thought all was well. Her ex-partner has not moved in with my other friend, they are just "dating" although it is clear that while there may not have been an affair before he walked out, his head was turned by my other friend.

Obviously I don't know all the ins and outs but everyone is surprised he left, there were no outward signs things weren't good. Obviously, I don't know if there was any physical affair - my other friend doesn't seem the type but she will have known he was in a long-term relationship.

These things happen, of course. But I am understandably torn and feel very "piggy in the middle" and wonder how on earth I can juggle both friends. I obviously want to support my school friend but would understand that she may well have an issue with my friendship with someone she may now see as "the OW".

Advice?

Orchard - see my last post to Seagull. I think the same way as you, it seems.

and I bet the woman whose been left will be grateful that at least one of her friends hasn't brushed it under the carpet

(even if she is ok generally. It must be shit to find that some of your friends seem to think it's ok and it 'just happens'.

Affairs are ok you know OP...they 'just happen' )

There's zero chance of anything 'backfiring' on you if you give unstinting support to a friend in need. I do roll my eyes when people froth about 'judginess' as though no-one ever does it when it suits their own agenda. Truth is, we all judge about some things and there's nothing wrong with it.

You might also find that what these achingly right-on non-judgey friends say in public is not what they think in private. I can think of umpteen occasions when I've had (very dull) conversations with the these things happen and are a fact of life brigade about all sorts of behaviour I feel strongly about - drug addiction, drink-driving, porn, prostitution, infidelity - and it's been like that Fast Show sketch where the introduction of a more definite, judgemental opinion produces a complete volte-face.

Never be afraid of standing up for what you believe in Jessica or of doing the right thing.

Also...it's not like you're judging him over a parking ticket is it.

He did something that's wrong on lots of levels & a lot of people would think about it in the same way you have!

we make judgements about people all the time, it does not mean we tar and feather them, we just need to be clear about what matters to us as people. One person may feel this is a "relationship issue" and none of their business, another will see it as a moral issue, another will see the greater need for friendship and support and respond to that.

It is impossible to be truly neutral in my opinion, if you stay out of it you are telling people that their actions/morals do not matter and that hurting someone else does not matter. If you support the left woman you are telling her that in your view it is not ok for her to be treated like this.

I suppose crying because my elderly neighbour cut down my ivy is pretty erm violent.

Not too hard to research a username and make unfounded allegations. MNHQ - please do something about this poster.

Did I read right, that you have only met him a few times? If so, he's not really a friend to take the side of. It's possible to maintain polite but cool terms in unlikely event you ever see him again without 'taking his side'. You can support your mate without accepting all her words as gospel ie taking her side uncritically. By which I mean reserve your judgment privately, not criticise her. She needs lots of support right now. In time, perhaps warn her you are not prepared to shoot him if you see him, but will be cool.

I'm assuming you don't wanna shag him yourself ... Seriously, break-ups (for any reason) can be awkward for close friends but this doesn't sound very inconvenient for you. Or has he moved in next door?

nonky - um, thanks, but seems you didn't read the original posting properly.

What the blazers is going on with this thread?
You must feel as though aliens have landed on it, Jessica.

badinage - that's one possible explanation.... :)