My DH has had an emotional affair

[bullinthesea]

Hello,

I don't post very much, but I am a frequent lurker!

Sadly, I have discovered that my DH has been having an emotional affair with a woman at his work. I have met her a few times over the years, and have always liked her! (Not any more!).

He was supporting me through a nasty bout of depression, and she was also having problems with family illness etc, and it seems they got too close, whilst chatting. He has always been the type to help others out. I think perhaps his 'knight in shining armour' came out when he came across this 'damsel in distress'!

There were emails/Facebook messages/texts, (the texts were all deleted, but in plain sight on our joint itemised bill!).

I discovered the whole lot on Friday night, and confronted him on Saturday morning.

I told him to sit down and tell me the truth. He says that it was just a load of flirty e-mails, and that he knew it was wrong when he was doing it, that it had all fizzled out and that he regretted it. He was very remorseful, and asked whether I could ever forgive him. I told him it was about being able to trust him again.

I found comments such as

Him "I must have been on your mind, was this email meant for Mr X?"
Her "you're always on my mind"
Him "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

And

Her "thank you for earlier, I feel a lot better now !!"
Him "yeah, me too, can meet up on Wednesday for a follow up if it helps :)"

Her "is there anything else I can do for you"
Him "there may be a couple of things that may rise up"

Him " look at you working on xyz"
Her "can never be too prepared?"
Him "I am always prepared!"

She also kept asking him about his knees, on one occasion, they were organising some work time, and he responded with:
Him "should be good"
Her " what do you mean, SHOULD......... Are your knees hurting?"
Him "no, they have recovered, it's my calf, I pulled it running this morning"

Another message went:
Her "how are your knees and feet now"
Him "well, no carpet burns! How are you, we,ve been thinking about you?"

Then there was the time about six months ago, when he was having some funny turns. He had to spend the day at hospital having tests. He had already phoned into work, to tell them that he wouldn't be in that day, and yet I discovered that he'd emailed her from the hospital, to tell her about the tests and said that it was scary, there were loads of exclamation marks at the end (and on lots of the other emails too). He then emailed her again later about the results, with the same message that he had texted to me a few minutes prior, but he'd added extra exclamation marks on hers.

A lot of the content of these emails (and some others that I haven't written about) suggests that things may have got physical.

He strongly denies that it got physical, and says that he doesn't even find her physically attractive. He has said that it was exciting, and that she had made him feel good, as it had felt like she wanted him. He also told me that she had tried to kiss him at an Xmas do a few years ago, but he didn't kiss back, and had thought it was odd.

I asked if he thought she might have a bit of a thing for him, and he paused and said, "yeah, probably".

I have told him that I am going to get tested for STIs, just in case, as I'm not sure I can believe what he's telling me, and want to be sure that I haven't caught anything.

We both cried a lot, and he buried his head in my lap and told me he was so sorry over and over.

I do love him very much, and feel that we became distant, (although things had been much better recently), that we need to focus on our marriage much more (he agreed) and do our best to recover the strong love that we always used to have.

Only thing is, if it did get physical, then I would have to end the relationship.

I am so confused, I can barely concentrate on anything, and I haven't a clue where I'd start if I suddenly found myself single - I'm a sahm, my son is 7, and I am not bringing in any income at the moment, so he supports us all financially.

I just don't know what to do next.....

[bullinthesea]

DonkeysDontRideBicycles - thank you for asking how I am, I'm a jumble of emotions really, I've calmed down a bit now, but still not exactly great.

We've spent many hours talking, and I've been probing him further for details here and there.

He's admitted that there were some very explicit e-mails sent, I asked him how many, he said about 20-30 (I guess I can multiply that by 4 then!).

I've asked him to tell me about the content of the emails, he says he's hurt me enough already and that he doesn't want to hurt me further, just doesn't want to go down that road. He becomes extremely anxious when I ask him about it, and his body starts shaking. He's also developed a nervous twitch. I've told him that I do still want to know the detail, even if its going to hurt me, as it feels like that stuff is still a secret just between them. He says he doesn't understand why he did it, that he's ashamed of himself.

He has recognised through this that he has been depressed for a long time, and has been looking for support in the wrong places.
We read the beginning of "his needs her needs" together - the section about how affairs start. He says it made him feel sick to realise how close it had become to a full blown affair (which I'm assuming it was, although he still won't admit to that), and how easily it can happen.
He started therapy yesterday, to help him with his depression & anxiety.

If nothing else, this whole mess has brought us together to really talk (literally all day, and into the early hours) about our marriage, what has been going wrong, why we'd drifted apart, why we react to each other the way we do etc, and what it is we really want from each other.

I am still going to continue to probe for answers, even though it'll probably kill me inside to hear it, I just have to know what went on, so that I can begin to recover & move forward.

I really don't know what the future holds at the moment, it still feels far too fresh for me to be making any major decisions yet.

I'll keep you posted ;) thanks everyone for your comments, they have helped to keep me thinking more clearly this past week.

[Highlighta]

Just because there were flirty text messages, doesn't automatically mean that they had an affair. I know this, I was there myself....

I got chatting to a male married friend, initially about something trivial and it just escalated from there. It went to jokes, then dirty jokes, to quite sexual advances and comments, even more so that you described in your op. It even went as far as asking for naked pics etc.

I stopped contact with him as I felt it was going to far. We never once had any physical contact and didn't have a physical affair. Emotional, yes I agree. I felt good about myself (in one way) as he also told me nice things that I think I wanted to hear... calling me sexy etc. Dh and i's sex life improved dramatically and strangely enough things between us are a bit better (even though I haven't told him - and never will). I realize now that I was a little bored, I enjoyed the entertaining side of it but also realized that so much was at stake regarding my marriage, kids etc. I wanted to look nice, I got a new hairdo, starting wearing a bit of makeup - i haven't changed this part of it as i quite like looking nicer.

So, if he is adamant there was no physical affair, they maybe wasn't. He could be telling you the truth. He probably felt great, someone else was paying him attention and making him feel good and he liked it. Not everyone who speaks to someone of the other sex automatically jumps in bed with them.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Really? People find numerous texts about the state of a man's knees sexy/flirty?

People talk about their knees/carpet burns after they have been shagging.

So now he is admitting that there is more to it than what he originally said. When will he tell you the truth?

[AgathaF]

Does he accept that by not letting you see the things you want to see, that your imagination will be in overdrive, and you are probably imaginings things to be far worse than they are?

I think he is being very selfish.

[Highlighta]

this was your post in response to mine? If there had been a bit of a joke going between them about knees then, yes it is possible that its just a joke between them. Its not to say that he did shag her and got the carpet burns.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You're not powerless, you have options, it is still raw but now transparency and honesty are vital. Bit late in the day for him to worry about hurting you, that ship has sailed. This must seem very alien and nightmarish but have you been able to confide in anyone else in rl? It is a lonely place to be if you are used to him being the one you turn to in a crisis.

Excuse me for saying if this is furthest from your mind but any sexual intimacy between you please take no chances, use protection.

Wishing you strength and time to think things through.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

And he won't let her see the emails because it will hurt her further?

Highlighta, from the content of those texts, i would say there is zero doubt they've shagged.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

He starts shaking to avoid showing op the emails. That is hilarious except it isn't. :(

[Wellwobbly]

"He becomes extremely anxious when I ask him about it, and his body starts shaking."

I bet he does.

Good luck, OP, the fact that you are talking is such a good sign. But, are YOU doing most of the talking? Watch what he does. Actions always always always speak louder than words.

[Wellwobbly]

(in other words, is he telling you how it went wrong for him? How he contributed to it? What he intends to do different? Where he let you down?)

or does he just say 'yes' to everything you say.

Does he tell you what is said in his counselling? What he has learned, what he has realised?

Those sorts of actions: emotional openness as the polar opposite of secrets and lies.

[AgathaF]

Has he had an STD check done? I noticed you had one, but you didn't say if he had. I don't suppose he would want to, in case it gave you the idea that it was physical, and I don't suppose he wants the humiliation either, but he should really get one if you have.

[bullinthesea]

Wellwobbly - yes, he has covered all of those things, he's said that there's no excuse for his behaviour, and that he's aware that he had closed himself off from me emotionally for a while, and realises that's had it's effects on my mental health & our marriage. Also, I'm glad to say that it's not me doing all the talking, I'm making sure he talks too. He says he's never opened up to someone so much in his life.
He came home yesterday & told me all about his therapy (it was his first one). It sounds like he covered a lot of ground, and he told her all about this situation.

AgathaF - no, he did apologise for putting me through that, and said "it should be me going through it not you". I expect he's waiting to see what my results are first. You could be right that he doesn't want to give me the idea that it was physical, by getting tested. I agree, he should get one (he's also just admitted that his ex cheated on him & he didn't even think of getting checked after the event), and I'll mention it when I see him later. Also, you're right about my imagination being in overdrive now!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles - I've spoken to two people, and also texted my Mum. I'm due for my next therapy appointment on Friday, and will discuss it then too. Yes, the whole situation is very isolating & nightmarish

Thisisaeuphemism - yes, it think things are coming out in trickles really, I'm holding out for the truth. I think he's scared of what I'll think of him when I know, from what he says. Agree that talking about carpet burns/knees etc is not flirty/sexy, although he does a lot of running, which may explain painful knees (but not carpet burns of course).
Also, as far as I know, the emails (the very explicit ones) were deleted long ago. I've only seen the ones not deemed bad enough for deletion I think, although, they certainly paint a bad enough picture really.
He still insists nothing physical went on, although I find it very hard to believe that many explicit emails were sent between the two of them, but nothing came of it. Perhaps I'm a prude.....

[AgathaF]

Has he had any recent contact with her? I know you said that he had to have some minimal contact through work, and I wonder how you feel about that. Given what he has done, I think it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to ask him to look for another job. I don't know how you can be expected to cope with knowing he sees her at work, and also at work do's.

I'm glad you have some RL support.

[bullinthesea]

He has agreed that he must get another job, and he has started searching. Yes, I hate the fact that he may see her at work, it feels very uncomfortable, and he is well aware of how I feel.

[AnyFucker]

He's developed a nervous twitch? Give that man an Oscar....

Re. His ex cheating on him. Has it occurred to you that he has set up a very convenient explanation for if something turns up on his own sti check?

[DonutForMyself]

he's also just admitted that his ex cheated on him & he didn't even think of getting checked after the event

That will be handy if it turns out he does have an STD then, it will obviously be because of his ex, not because of anything he has done

[DonutForMyself]

Ha! X-post sorry AgathaF. OP please take everything this man says with a very large pinch of salt.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Op, you sound so level-headed and lovely. He sounds dreadful with his weeping in your lap and his recent shaking and twitching. Was he always like this? Aside from his affair and his manipulation of it, do you think you could respect him enough to have a 'normal' relationship again?

[AnyFucker]

I could not respect a man like this. Boo fucking hoo ? FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU DISGUST ME.

[Namechangingnorma]

OP, I dont often comment on these threads but in this case I feel compelled. You are absolutely putting your head in the sand. There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever he has had sex with her. Whenhe texted 'we've been thinking about you' he meant him and his c**k. It couldnt be clearer if he said 'I enjoyed that great shag we had' which people just don't say. He is shaking and twitching because he knows hw much of the truth is still being witheld. Your relationship will never work unless you get the truth and then make a decision. I wish you the best of luck

[ChipsNEggs]

So he forgets about his ex cheating on him when you were TTC then pregnant, he forgets when you had your pregnancy screening. What makes him suddenly remember is when it is a convenient excuse in case you've caught an STI due to his cheating.

That's utter bullshit, he is lying through his teeth and he will never ever admit it. He's definitely shagged her and he's potentially put your health at risk. Lovely bloke.

[AnyFucker]

OP, did you not pick up on this at all ?

he has carved himself a perfect excuse he will expect you to swallow when the chlamydia/crabs/herpes/whatever shows up

how strange he only just remembered his cheating ex

[AnyFucker]

In that one sentence he has shown you the kind of man he is, and the kind of man he will always remain

[Junebugjr]

Anxiety and depression?? Smacks of another bullshit excuse, sorry to be so blunt OP.
I can't see how someone suffering from these debilitating illnesses would be up to firing off explicit emails, and having the energy to chase round after other women. You must be a very calm person, to be so willing to sit down and read chapters of books with him, I'd be screaming like a banshee at him, and sending all his clothes to the OWs desk at work

I would suggest to take time out to decide what you want. It can be tempting to just rush in and start rebuilding your relationship without giving it the proper thought, but ask yourself questions that only you will know, can you really forgive, can you carry on the rest of your life in a relationship where you'll never know if he physically cheated. I'd give yourself a few weeks mulling things over and then make a decision. Best of luck.