My DH has had an emotional affair

[bullinthesea]

Hello,

I don't post very much, but I am a frequent lurker!

Sadly, I have discovered that my DH has been having an emotional affair with a woman at his work. I have met her a few times over the years, and have always liked her! (Not any more!).

He was supporting me through a nasty bout of depression, and she was also having problems with family illness etc, and it seems they got too close, whilst chatting. He has always been the type to help others out. I think perhaps his 'knight in shining armour' came out when he came across this 'damsel in distress'!

There were emails/Facebook messages/texts, (the texts were all deleted, but in plain sight on our joint itemised bill!).

I discovered the whole lot on Friday night, and confronted him on Saturday morning.

I told him to sit down and tell me the truth. He says that it was just a load of flirty e-mails, and that he knew it was wrong when he was doing it, that it had all fizzled out and that he regretted it. He was very remorseful, and asked whether I could ever forgive him. I told him it was about being able to trust him again.

I found comments such as

Him "I must have been on your mind, was this email meant for Mr X?"
Her "you're always on my mind"
Him "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

And

Her "thank you for earlier, I feel a lot better now !!"
Him "yeah, me too, can meet up on Wednesday for a follow up if it helps :)"

Her "is there anything else I can do for you"
Him "there may be a couple of things that may rise up"

Him " look at you working on xyz"
Her "can never be too prepared?"
Him "I am always prepared!"

She also kept asking him about his knees, on one occasion, they were organising some work time, and he responded with:
Him "should be good"
Her " what do you mean, SHOULD......... Are your knees hurting?"
Him "no, they have recovered, it's my calf, I pulled it running this morning"

Another message went:
Her "how are your knees and feet now"
Him "well, no carpet burns! How are you, we,ve been thinking about you?"

Then there was the time about six months ago, when he was having some funny turns. He had to spend the day at hospital having tests. He had already phoned into work, to tell them that he wouldn't be in that day, and yet I discovered that he'd emailed her from the hospital, to tell her about the tests and said that it was scary, there were loads of exclamation marks at the end (and on lots of the other emails too). He then emailed her again later about the results, with the same message that he had texted to me a few minutes prior, but he'd added extra exclamation marks on hers.

A lot of the content of these emails (and some others that I haven't written about) suggests that things may have got physical.

He strongly denies that it got physical, and says that he doesn't even find her physically attractive. He has said that it was exciting, and that she had made him feel good, as it had felt like she wanted him. He also told me that she had tried to kiss him at an Xmas do a few years ago, but he didn't kiss back, and had thought it was odd.

I asked if he thought she might have a bit of a thing for him, and he paused and said, "yeah, probably".

I have told him that I am going to get tested for STIs, just in case, as I'm not sure I can believe what he's telling me, and want to be sure that I haven't caught anything.

We both cried a lot, and he buried his head in my lap and told me he was so sorry over and over.

I do love him very much, and feel that we became distant, (although things had been much better recently), that we need to focus on our marriage much more (he agreed) and do our best to recover the strong love that we always used to have.

Only thing is, if it did get physical, then I would have to end the relationship.

I am so confused, I can barely concentrate on anything, and I haven't a clue where I'd start if I suddenly found myself single - I'm a sahm, my son is 7, and I am not bringing in any income at the moment, so he supports us all financially.

I just don't know what to do next.....

[Umlauf]

I don't usually post on these threads as I often think people are quick to jump to the worst conclusions but from his behaviour it really doesn't seem there could be any other explanation, I'm really sorry but I'm convinced they have had sex. There is no way he would have deleted the message to say you knew and then offer to be transparent.

I am so so sorry that he has done this to you and is now continuing to treat you horrifically by putting you through all of this turmoil. I don't know how you can get the truth out of him, but I think the texts and more recently his behavious after you found out are proof enough. Stay strong xx

[bullinthesea]

He also tells me that it's all the emails are just tongue in cheek innuendo, that she flirts with everyone all the time, she's just like that etc.
He says he had no feelings for her whatsoever.
He says he wants things to work out between us, and can't imagine a life without me. He seems very sad (as am I) and keeps bursting into tears.

I do truly love him & want to believe him, but there's a large part of me that doesn't, and all day while he's at work it's eating away at me, as I don't know whether he's seen her.

Does anyone know whether I'd have been tested for STIs during my pregnancy? I've booked myself in for Friday to get checked out.

I've said I'd like to go for counselling with him, just need to work out if we can afford it really.

I really appreciate the replies, and will answer the questions when I have some time to concentrate.

[schobe]

Did you ask him about the carpet burns comment?

It does sound awfully like they've been shagging, sorry.

[lovesfastcars]

OMG This is almost a carbon copy of what happened to me.
I am so sorry, but I am convinced he is admitting only to what you have proof of.
My H did exactly the same. Bastard even looked me in the eyes and swore on our kids lives he had not slept with her!
He had!
My advice would be to tell him you need absolute and full disclosure, you will not tolerate any more lies, and that if it comes to light (and eventually it will) that he has omitted/ lied about anything when you have given him the opportunity to come clean, then he is GONE!
My H also deleted and lied about the text to OW 'ending' the relationship. Even after I said I needed to see it.
Please don't take anything he says at face value. My H knew that the sex would be a dealbreaker for me, and minimised everything.
So sorry, keep strong, it does get easier x

[Ahhhcrap]

The only way you'll sort this out and stop it eating away at you is for him to tell you EVERYTHING, I mean warts and all.. If you are left in any doubt he's lying you'll forever think 'what' and that's the worst thing ever.

He needs to provide you with all the info and details you need to make a decision about the relationship. By the sounds of things he's covering his arse and only telling you what he absolutely has to.

[skyeskyeskye]

Her "thank you for earlier, I feel a lot better now !!"
Him "yeah, me too, can meet up on Wednesday for a follow up if it helps "

Sorry, but those comments alone indicate that it got physical. He is lying to you. I am so sorry for you, but please don't believe what he is saying and be taken for a fool :(

My XH was texting/emiling OW thousands of times a month. I never found evidence of anything physical though, just a lot of flirting and sweet nothings. I also discovered it via facebook/mobile phone bill.

I sat him down and asked him how often he texted her, he said not often..... they lie until they know you can prove otherwise.

[AuntieStella]

"Does anyone know whether I'd have been tested for STIs during my pregnancy?"

Only syphillis is tested for everywhere. HIV is done in most places now, and chlamydia maybe. You do need to go and get a proper check that cover all the common STIs.

[bbqsummer]

By the sounds of it, you don't have kids. So just get rid of him because he's lying. What a wanker. All that drama queen burying head in lap stuff? Bollox. textbook.

If you do have kids but you just haven't mentioned them then, well, he's going to miss them isn't he.

Remind him there are some good creams for carpet burns - Boots emergency burns gel is good.

Then show him the door.

[AgathaF]

Get a full STI screen at your local clinic. I would also suggest to him that he goes to - if he is bending over backwards for you at the minute then he should do that.

Why would he continue to need any future contact with her? Is it essential because of work? If so, cam he request to move to a different department, or look for another job? If you decide to stay together, you should not have to be worried about him being around her at work.

[maleview70]

Never trust a man who "keeps bursting into tears"

Deflection technique.

[snuffaluffagus]

Does he have an iPhone? If you swipe to the left on the home screen and use the search- type something you think might be in the text- kisses or babe or something, it'll show up all the texts or emails that have that word in them. Even if deleted. You'll only see the first few words and can't tell if it is one that has been sent or received but it might help.. Or not..

[lovesfastcars]

Ooh yes, that's the spotlight function. Ipad or iPhone. That was very very helpful to me when gathering my 'evidence'

[QuintessentialOldDear]

I think he is sad because he got rattled. Crying because he got caught. Upset at losing her too, I would imagine.

Do you have children together?

[AThingInYourLife]

"Never trust a man who "keeps bursting into tears"

Deflection technique."

Totally.

It's so fucking insulting too (apart from the insult to your intelligence in expecting you to believe his obvious lies about not shagging her).

What has he to be sad about?

You are sad because you just found out your husband has been cheating in you.

He has known about his affair for months, and enjoyed every second of it.

Was he bursting into tears last week?

No.

But he knew all about what he was doing to you then.

He's crying now because he feels sorry for himself.

Because he got caught.

That is selfish, self-indulgent crap.

True remorse doesn't demand all the attention be focused on the feelings if the person who is sorry.

[DrHolmes]

I agree, I would say they have had sex.

Especially the knees hurting bit, deffo carpet burns from shagging on the floor.

OP it is staring you in the face. I am very sorry.

[tessa6]

bull, he's lying to you. I'm sorry. I know it's hard when you're there and you're looking at him. He's having to convince himself. But you'd have to be deluded to believe they haven't been physical. If you want to make this work and repress the truth you will spend your whole life never knowing. You have to tell him you want to see a message ending it with her, but he has already minimised and disrespected you so totally. If he doesn't come clean soon, there's no hope for this liar.

Yes tears are about a terrible realisation of the consequences for him now he's been found out. nothing to do with you at all.

[lottieandmia]

It's obvious he's lying - did you confront him about the 'carpet burns'?

[musickeepsmesane]

bull, I hope you are getting some RL support. I try to see the best in posts like these and I see nothing innocent here. It is a physical relationship. He is lying to you. Very unmumsnetty but and

[Smilehappy]

He is a cheating cunt and if I were you I'd confront her, and ask him to transfer if possible jobs or find a new one. How can you trust him going to work everyday if she will be there I really hope your ok

Hand holding and hugs!

[funnymummy2931]

Has he got Whatsap? X

[lottieandmia]

Have there been opportunities for him to spend time with her outside of work where you couldn't be sure where he was?

[Hopingtobehappy]

bullinthesea

I know exactly what you are going through.

I found my husband half naked, with my best friend (at the time) also half naked. He told me that they 'messed around' but didnt have sex. I believed him because I WANTED TO BELIEVE HIM.

8 years later when we finally split (for other reasons) I asked him again and HE STILL DENIED IT! 2 years after that however, he admitted they had a 2 year affair. By the time I found out I didnt actually care and I have learned a lot about the reasons he did what he did. I hold no grudges and I actually feel a little sad as I think they really loved each other and maybe even missed out on a chance for happiness, however thats another story.

You will only believe what you WANT to believe. You know in your head what has really happened, but until you are ready, you will convince yourself every which way you can that he hasnt done this.

Nobody can tell you what to do and nobody knows your relationship like you do. I have no regrets that I stayed with my H for so long after that, we had many more good times and when we eventually split, it was instigated by me and I was in control.

You do what feels right for you, but be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions. PM me if you like..

[Snugglepiggy]

So sorry for you Bull .Its almost three years to the day since I discovered what I will always regard as my DHs EA,although working things through I honestly believe now I got full disclosure - but not in the early days as he was totally panic stricken at his marriage ending there and then if I knew how often they had met and how much texting had gone on and for how long.I also believe it hadn't got physical and that OW was in deeper emotionally than my DH,he was enjoying having his ego boosted and the 'banter'.
It is the truly most awful experience of my life so far.But he cut contact with OW that night and if he had felt it as important to text her when I was in the shock of discovery rather than focus on us that would have made recovery much harder.And the tears?What a self indulgent prick.Sorry but that's how he sounds.
Hopingtobehappy.Your last post makes me feel strong and happy.DH and I worked things through and have had some really good times especially in the last year or so as things have settled down and I've learnt to forgive and trust again.But I feel in control now too.And if he were to behave that way again,or I felt our marriage wasn't stronger and better and fulfilling both our needs I wouldnt hesitate to call it a day, even years down the line.

[Hopingtobehappy]

Snugglepiggy glad my post makes you feel strong, but I have to say it wasnt until years later that I felt ready to actually open my eyes to what had happened.

I also found out all those years later that he had actually had 4 other affairs and numerous ONS's, but I would not have wanted to hear that at the time.

To be honest, I would never expect to ever be in a manogomous relationship again. I am not sure that the majority of men are capable of it (no flames please I am sure there are some!) I would never ever presume that anyone was being faithful to me. Luckily I am not a jealous person!

[bullinthesea]

Hi, I'll try & answer the questions that have been posted now :)

SaintTheresa - I'm so confused at the moment, that I don't even know what I want myself! I'm not sure if I could forgive any physical stuff tbh. What he's done is bad enough, but that would be even worse. I've been applying for jobs for some months now, it's tricky, as I want to work while DS is at school (p/t).

Schobe - yes, I've asked him about the carpet burns comment, and he says it was all just banter/flirting. I'm still struggling to believe that mind you.

Lovesfastcars - yes my H has also looked me in the eyes and sworn on everyone's (including DS) lives that he's not had sex with her. I have also given him the opportunity to tell me everything, which is when he mentioned about the time she tried to kiss him at the Xmas do a few years ago.

Bbqsummer - yes we have one DS, lol about the cream for carpet burns!

AgathaF - yes, he does need to interact at work, but not that much.

Maleview70 - that is a very good point and I will keep it in mind, thanks

snuffaluffagus - yes, I have done that on all his phones & iPads, thanks for the tip.

Athinginyourlife - he says he's sad because of what he's putting me through. No, he wasn't bursting into tears last week, although he said that he was thinking of telling me about it last week, as he was feeling guilty.

Musickeepsmesane - yes I had coffee with a friend yesterday, and had a chat with her about it. She also said it sounded like it was physical.

Hopingtobehappy - thanks for the PM offer :)


We chatted again this morning, and he said that he'd looked through those emails, and he didn't think there was anything really that bad in them, and they were all work related . I told him that it looked bad from my perspective, and I even said that he was trying to minimise it. After all, the work emails are scanned, so they're not going to put anything that bad in them are they?
I also pulled him up on the carpet burns comment again, to which he went quiet, patted my stomach, and whispered "sorry" (I have asked him several times).

Thanks again for the responses, it's hard to hear, but I need to hear it.