SmileyEyez has reached the day

[SmileyEyez]

Hi
I don't know if any of you read my previous posts about finding my husband has a profile on a site to meet other like minded people to have affairs.
It's a couple of months ago now since I found he had joined the site a year ago, I have watched his profile but no activity since last year, BUt his profile still lurks on this and about another 10 sister sites.

The reason I didn't leave at the time I found out was because my two younger sons were doing exams, one finishing his law degree the other taking GCSE,s which his last exam is today.

I promised my self I would wait until the last exam and that day is today !

I must say these couple of months have been the hardest of my life, trying to act normal with him and be the happy dutiful wife and mum and go to work as though I haven't a care in the world .

But today is my turn to put my cards on the table and tell him to go.

So why do I feel the guilty party and the baddie to break up my family when it should be him who is guilty and the baddie?

Hi smiley, I read your previous post and think you have done brilliantly to hold off til your sons exams were over. You are not the bad guy here, you have had the strength to do the best by your ds and now it is time to put yourself first. Good luck.

Thank you for that, just need to know I am doing the right thing as I know he will try and play the victim and say he hasn't been on the site, was only looking that sort of thing.
I just wish it was over and he was gone out of my life, I had lost all self respect and self esteem but these past weeks have have used thevtimevto rebuild myself ready, but find myself stumbling xx

Well done.

Prepare yourself well for that conversation.

You don't believe him and are right not to.

There isn't anything else you need to hear or say, other than such a relationship no longer suits you. And repeat.

Good luck.

Be strong and concentrate on yourself. Any pain he experiences or sob story he comes up with is nothing compared to what you have had to put up with. I have never been in your position and don't know how I would react but it sounds like you have made up your mind. Come back and talk to us and we will support you

It must have been really hard biding your time until your DSs were in a less vulnerable place, you're a truly kind and loving mum. I hope it goes as well as it can for you when you tell him that its over, at least you have had plenty of time to mull things over and know that you are making the best decision for you. x

hi smileyeyez - I too remember your previous thread and can only echo what the others say above. It must have been incredibly difficult to wait to do this till the time was right eg the exams were over (I couldn't have I'm sure I'd have lost it with him and asked him to leave there and then)!

You have been the one to put your family first here so please don't feel bad. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

wishing you strength and much happiness for the future, am sure wise mumsnetters will help you get through this x

Hi Smiley l wondered what was happening with you.
Well done for getting to today that must have been so difficult and quite an achievement.
Today is the day to act.
Today is the beginning of the rest of your life without this man.
Tonight may be hard but tomorrow can only be better,

Good luck

Hi SE

How bizarre was thinking of u earlier today thinking your day must be coming soon.

It's not you that's the bad guy here, he became that long ago.

Holding your hand and here to talk if u ever want to

I didn't read your earlier post but wanted to wish you well. It must have been absolutely awful for you these last few months and you're doing the right thing now.

I remember your previous thread.
Your one hell of a women...i couldn't have done what you've managed to do!

Now its about you, all about you talk& you've earned it.

Take care of yourself & the very best of luck.

You are bloody brave to have held it together all this time.
You're feeling like the baddie because over the last couple of months you've lost "the rage" that you get when you immediately find these things out. You're doing the right thing!

Hello, I remember you. This day has been a long and hard time coming for you

The wording of your OP bothers me though. You don't sound convinced at all that you are doing the right thing, the only thing that makes any sense. Have you really built yourself up enough?

You have to follow through with this. Or else all your waiting, plotting and planning will have been in vain and yet again you will be made out the fool. You are already making the space in your head for him to talk himself up. Again.

(I would love to be proved wrong of course)

Hi
I went exactly as I thought and the reason I was pooing my pants!!

He insists he has never seen or visited the site and that wait for it"""""""""" some one else did it""""""

He is dammed he isn't moving .
I had to go to work my night shift, I didn't get any texts and when I came home all his things are still here, nothing has changed.

There was one thing though, while I was at work I asked a friend to check if the profile was still on and Surprise it has mysteriously gone that was about 9 ish last night.

On his Facebook chat with a friend he told him about our situation and he told the friend he hadn't made the profile and because he hadn't made it he couldn't remove it! But he has! He also added that this time he hasn't done any thing but shit happens, his words!

He has no intention if leaving as he seriously believes he hasn't done anything.
What I would like to know is how does his profile photo look identical to the one on our p c , surely if it was a copy it wouldn't look the same.

I think the threat I mistakenly made of showing the photos of the profile if he came near me or threatened me or made my life difficult is his reason to cover up with his friend .

So I am in the same poo as he is in denial and no intention if going!

Feeling strong just going to take longer than I thought, I don't know where this string has appeared from but seeing him take the profile down ( must be him) and then tell his friend he wasn't able too makes me see a not so normal man? Xxx

Well done and at least you were prepared for his bullshit.

So where does that leave you? If you are sure you want him gone and that the relationship is over it is time to seek legal advice and start making it real for him by telling people that your relationship is over.
If he is refusing to leave (and be prepared for all shorts of bullshit and tripe to come out his mouth) then time to down tools and stop doing anything for him. No cooking, no washing--absolutely nothing.
Did you manage to take a copy of the profile?

Hi, yes I did take a picture of the profile.

I think he has no intention of going and he is in total denial and acting like the victim of some cyber scam, yet the profile has disappeared!

I guess this is the story he is preparing for his whole family so he is acting it out.

This is really what I was worried about.
How do they manage to turn it around on us?
He has managed to wriggle out of this kind of situation before but not this time .

I remember your earlier thread.

As I often say on threads like this, no-one can wriggle out of being dumped.

So if you're steadfast about wanting out of the relationship, it doesn't matter what he says he did or didn't do.

You don't need him to admit to anything, or agree he's lying.

Really you don't.

The trouble is, you don't want out of this relationship and you do want him to admit he's been unfaithful and that he's going to change.

He's never going to do that, so all you can do is to work on yourself and what you are going to do as a response.

You're not there yet, more's the pity.

I don't want admittance , I do find over the top lying very confusing as I see the bloke he really is trying to cover his tracks.

There are no options, I have been unhappy with the situation and held on, yes I may not be happy with confrontation of any form but this is going to be head on, he is the one making it difficult and I am addressing the situation, I am more than ready badinage, but spur me on please as I probably need a kick up the bum, .

The key question is: do you trust him?

Stay strong.

So you just say that the relationship is over and you need to agree the arrangements for living separately and dissolving the marriage.

Best to deal with facts now that aren't open to interpretation.

Scratched record technique is useful for this.

So when he says "Wah! my identity's been cloned/it was a mate playing a prank/I was just curious" or any of the usual bullshit headfuckery these planks tend to say when busted, you just say:

"It doesn't matter. I'm unhappy and I want the relationship to end"

At least you are seeing him for what he is now smileyeyez - that is a good thing because once that happens, its difficult to go back to thinking of them as you did previously.

Just repeat ad nauseum to him that you don't believe his BS anymore and that you want out and that you will be taking such and such steps to make that possible.

Make a list of all the things you need to do, stop engaging with him in anything other than to facilitate the separation. After all, it has been arduous enough for you to come to this decision in the first place so you just need to see it through.

I have no idea what is the first thing to do although I would suggest get some legal advice early on rather than later. Wishing you strength for this, it cannot be easy esp if he is making things difficult and playing victim.

Until the day that you simply don't care what he says to you, what he says to others, what he does, where he goes, how it looks from the outside etc then he has you over a barrel and he knows it

Work on the indifference, love. Detach, detach, detach. Start making the practical steps to extricate yourself, quit the talking and give up trying to understand.

If you are not there yet, you have a long way to go and a lot of hurt still to come.

I remember you as well.
Glad you got the day - not so good that he isn't leaving.
You'll get there.
Keep strong and good luck.

AF I don't give a damm about any of those , I have detached myself well and truly, there has been no contact and when he comes home he will be told I am sick of him,enough is enough I am taking no more bull poo fom him, this is the end. There will be no communication on my part and he will be told to go.

I was shocked at the way liars continue to lie but that was last night, I see him for exactly who he is and I don't give a Poo any more .

I have waited so long, my son has his first job in a law firm my youngest has his future in front of him and I don't want his toss pot around to ruin everything .
My only weakness is feeling a fool but in my travels I have also met someone who is really nice and we are going for a coffee one day when all this is over and that I am looking forward to after 5 years of raining poo!

It's not that bad after all and I feel happier and more positive than I did when. Knew I couldn't do anything about it !

I would like to point out I am doing this on my own , my kids haven't a clue, my friends won't know and my parents haven't a clue this has been going on and when I am sorted apart from my son at home, then and only hen will I tell RL people.
Thank you for bing there all this helps me xxxx

obviously its up to you smileyeyez but please don't feel that you have to shoulder all this on your own IRL - sometimes it helps to tell other trusted friends/family, even if its just one person.

Even if you aren't going to rely on them for practical help or emotional support, sometimes just that step of saying it OUT LOUD (iyswim) is something that will help you to do it.

Tell someone and swear them to secrecy if you need to. Otherwise tell them all and to hell with it! You've done nothing wrong nor are you doing anything wrong by wanting out of it.