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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

SmileyEyez has reached the day

48 replies

SmileyEyez · 18/06/2013 11:33

Hi
I don't know if any of you read my previous posts about finding my husband has a profile on a site to meet other like minded people to have affairs.
It's a couple of months ago now since I found he had joined the site a year ago, I have watched his profile but no activity since last year, BUt his profile still lurks on this and about another 10 sister sites.

The reason I didn't leave at the time I found out was because my two younger sons were doing exams, one finishing his law degree the other taking GCSE,s which his last exam is today.

I promised my self I would wait until the last exam and that day is today !

I must say these couple of months have been the hardest of my life, trying to act normal with him and be the happy dutiful wife and mum and go to work as though I haven't a care in the world .

But today is my turn to put my cards on the table and tell him to go.

So why do I feel the guilty party and the baddie to break up my family when it should be him who is guilty and the baddie?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/06/2013 15:49

Why are you not looking for any RL help with this ? I think that is a mistake.

(I know I sound negative, sorry)

Original poster

SmileyEyez · 19/06/2013 16:04

Lol you are always a straight talker AF but that's you and we are all different ,lol

My parents live abroad, my friends I don't have many and since I have tried this before dismally I thought the less people know the better .

And above all believe it or not I hate pity and I hate being vulnerable and in need, the things I say here are things I feel deep down and wouldn't show the world my weaknesses.
I try to be I dependant , but it doesn't always work out.
I have spent the past couple of months getting to know myself and like myself again , all things I have lost over time.

Leaving a relationship is complicated and different for most people and things crop up that you wouldn't expect .

I never expected him to tell the truth but to hear him make more lies to make things look ridiculous I found unnerving.

I will never understand a liar , but I can assure you this liar is out by his ear and any moral support be it by print is what I need along with an occasional reality check, then I can go for a coffee in the open with my friend too!!! Lol :) :)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/06/2013 16:08

I absolutely hate any thoughts that I could be an object of pity too (which makes me such an utterly unforgiving piece of work), but he is the pitiful one

someone taking a strong stance against poor treatment is someone to be celebrated not pitied

you must absolutely do it your own way though, of course, us on the other end of the screen are not walking in your shoes x

Original poster

SmileyEyez · 19/06/2013 21:18

Hi
Is that you going soft AF?
All done, he has moved into the spare room at his request !
Confrontation was zero he splurged his bit again and said he would understand if I didn't believe him I said I could never trust him, he seemed angry for a tiny bit then walked off saying divorce me then, I will take the blame, get it done as soon as possible !!
He had to add that if I had forgiven him he didn't think he could hack me any way after the way I have been since his 2 nd affair 5 years ago!!
I was a bit miffed but a small price for freedom.

Something you said AF about me wanting him to admit what he did, it came to me why!!
If he had admitted ant wrong doing I would have divorced him ASAP but that edge of doubt was what kept me hanging on to my marriage with the what if he was telling the truth .
As it is now, freedom is lurking and so far I feel like a weight has been left off my shoulders .

This is only day one and I know he can be vindictive too so my eyes are peeked and I have got in touch with dome one who deals with divorces and we are going to talk the best way to run through things!!

I haven't told my youngest yet but it's a sunny day and he hasn't noticed anything yet as we are all busy, may take him for a riding lesson tomorrow and do a bit if bonding!!

OP posts:

Doha · 19/06/2013 21:26

Well done Smilez his reaction says it all really. He is guilty as charged but is turning it all on you and your behaviour since his 2nd affair. I spluttered my coffee over the keyboard at that one..

Have you radar on full over the next few weeks/months as l don't thibk he will make it easy for you but well done.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2013 22:09

"divorce me then" ! and "ner-ner-ner-nerrr-nerrr"

what a childish twat (and one that is bang to rights)

I am not going soft, I am always soft when I have said my piece. You have to do it your own way (and so far that seems pretty impressive to me)

Original poster

SmileyEyez · 19/06/2013 22:29

Yep I am getting that feeling now that he won't make it easy for me but I really feel better and what he said helps too .

Thank you AF it had to be done as I did it, if the kids fail there exams now I know it wasn't my fault.
I couldn't wait for this day to come soon enough but the battle begins I sense that , which was my other fear, he will kick off when I go to the solicitors but I guess little steps xxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

SmileyEyez · 23/06/2013 18:41

Hi
The update is I am living in the spare bedroom, I moved all my stuff in as he moved in the spare room and kept coming in the bedroom for his things so I thought I may as well move my stuff so he hasn't an excuse to come into the room .
We have only had one set of cross words but he said he won't move out of the house until the divorce and finances are sorted!
The reason for this and what he is telling everyone is because he believes he has done no wrong.
He swears blind he didn't open the account , that someone else did it without him knowing . He swears he had to get in contact with " married affairs". Com by 3 emails and phone calls to get them to take his profile off,! Which did disappear the night I confronted him!
Surely if he contacted the site they would have sent an email associated with his account to alert them someone wanted to remove the profile before they took it off? There was nothing on the email,
He says he is the victim of freud and has no intention of moving out , so I am confined to the spare room which I must say reminds me now of my teenage years and is just as messy with my junk.
To be honest I really don't give a damm now but my curiosity at him trying to wiggle out of this says what he said makes no sense to me, my logic says he is lying but if he is right, how did someone use his photo and put it on the profile, open a hotmail account to register said sick site, and used passwords only he and I know and his secret reset password question was one only he would know?

Non makes sense, it's just puzzling me ?

OP posts:

DrHolmes · 23/06/2013 19:03

Because he is lying. He created the accounts. You know this, he knows this.

All the best!

onefewernow · 23/06/2013 19:17

Of course he is lying. It comes with the territory with men like this.

He is bound to deny it to all and sundry, due to embarrassment . They all do. Mine made up a couple of "it couldn't be me" stories, too. Funy how their passwords and email details and photo collections are so accessible, isn't it? Even though it never happens to other people.

onefewernow · 23/06/2013 19:17

He will say you imagined it next, I expect. They usually do.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2013 19:23

He says he is a victim of Freud ?

Dead right he is

Bogeyface · 23/06/2013 19:36

I opened a profile on that site in order to catch out my cheating ex, I had it for a couple of hours with no photo etc. When I wanted to get rid of it I just deactivated the account, and it removed my profile immediately. It took no time at all and I was informed that if I wanted to reactivate the profile, all I had to do was log back in.

He is lying through his teeth. He is saying all this because you cant prove otherwise and he is hoping to save face amongst his friends and family, who btw would have to be monumentally stupid to believe this crap story!

tinkerbellvspredator · 23/06/2013 20:05

If it concerns you he is telling people he hasn't done anything wrong just tell them that he has had at least two affairs to your knowledge (which he admitted at the time), you have tried to make the marriage work but haven't been able to get the trust back.

Original poster

SmileyEyez · 23/06/2013 20:56

Lol I meant fraud AF! Lol but you are right .

Thank you for the replies , yes he is trying to save face, I was beginning to think I was losing my own mind he was so convincing .i wasn't trusting my own judgement which was fuelling me and giving me strength to see this through.

Deep down I know he is a con man and a pretty good one at that too, I can't believe the lengths he is going to make out someone else setup this profile when it clearly is him. He even accused my friends of doing it so I have grounds for divorce..

He is making out I am being unreasonable and he insists someone got his photo from his face book.

I wouldn't mind as much but his denial is making me look a cruel vindictive person in my sons eyes as he has every reason to believe his dads view of events and then that I am being unfair, that is what bothers me the most but I know the truth will come out in the end xxx

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/06/2013 20:58

You know the truth. That is all you need to know. Don't be swayed by anything else.

Original poster

SmileyEyez · 23/06/2013 21:02

Thanks AF, not being swayed I promise ,x

OP posts:

Leavenheath · 23/06/2013 21:06

Doesn't your son know about the other affairs then?

Original poster

SmileyEyez · 23/06/2013 21:16

Yes he does know about the other affairs and understands my reasons to want a divorce but on Friday night he was upset watching us avoid each other , he asked how quickly it would get sorted as he hates seeing us miserable, I worry his dad acting like the victim makes me look like the villain hurting his dad. I can't tell my son the exact details of this event as its sickening and I don't want to spoil his view of his dad, that argument is between the adults not him and his dad. Unlike his dad I don't want to try and win my son over to my side since he shouldn't have to take sides, he has enough to cope with knowing we are going to divorce , x

OP posts:

Leavenheath · 23/06/2013 22:12

Can't you move out yourself and retain a legal interest in the house?

Your son wants this sorted out quickly and I don't blame him. If your husband won't move out, get out yourself and don't drag this on.

Original poster

SmileyEyez · 24/06/2013 09:41

No I can't afford to move out though I can afford to pay the mortgage on the house . If I move into rented then we both have accommodation and there will be no push to sell our marital home which I own the majority share having owned my own home previously .

I have an appointment with my solicitor on thurs to discuss the division of house and rights etc before the divorce is petitioned, that is why my h isn't moving out as he doesn't want to lose any rights as he believes men are taken for a ride in divorce and he has no intention of making it easy for me.
He even hinted at leaving his job so the pension he has won't be worth much to me to use to offset against the house.
So I am confined to my room all weekend and between the hours 17:00/07:00 mon-fri......all because I stood up for myself ! Is that ironic . . Xxxx

OP posts:

Leavenheath · 24/06/2013 11:18

No your husband can't stay in a house if you want to sell it. He'd either have to buy you out or put it up for sale.

Please find a way to live separately and take control of this situation, which will damage your child if it continues any longer.

myroomisatip · 24/06/2013 11:41

I feel for you :(

I ended up in the spare room (as per my MN name lol) for exactly the same reasons that you have. I had no t.v. in there, just my p.c. for company and MN for the best entertainment :)

I retreated to my room whenever my STBXH was home and it was soul destroying.

He made the house so cluttered and messy, never did any jobs, it was not possible to get it on the market. I would still be there now if he had not suddenly had a total turn around and did everything needed. It sold and I now have my own place with the kids. A bit lonely but a huge improvement.

Unfortunately it will not be easy or pleasant but keep going, you will get there in the end.

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