What should loving your child feel like?

[BabCNesbitt]

What does it feel like for you? And has that changed over time? DD is nearly 20 months, and while I'm very fond of her, and I think she's funny and lovely and gorgeous and smart, I've never felt that overwhelming rush of love and delight in their children that so many other parents on here talk about. Rather, at times I've felt quite distanced from her, and still do feel like that on occasions - like I'm looking after someone else's (admittedly lovely) child. When DH is home evenings or weekends, I'm more than happy to let him take on the bulk of playing with her, taking her to the park, reading her bedtime stories etc, because if I'm honest I find it to be a bit of a chore. Even if we go out as a family, he'll be the one carrying her or climbing the playground equipment with her while I zone out.

I know that this makes me a bad mother to her and that it isn't the normal way to feel about your own kid, and I wonder if other parents have felt this way about their children around this age and managed to improve the bond with them?

(Brief background for me: my mother made it clear that she didn't want to have children and often told me how she wanted to run away. Any affection we got was for doing well in school-related things or for receiving praise for being good children from outsiders. So I'm not really sure what parental love looks like, and I'm afraid that even when I try to show it to DD, it seems fake and/or smothering because I'm not sure how to find the right balance of affection and distance.)

I never had the rush of love for my dd now, it wasn't until she got an award in assemble that I felt this strong strong strong rush of love and pride. My ds on the other hand I adored as soon as he opened his eyes.

Now shes 7 we get along great and I love my little girl very very much.

Perhaps a bit morbid but when i think about my DC dying young or not being in my life for some reason, i can feel my heart breaking!

I am a bit like you and struggle to be 'fun' mummy.. I am definitely harder on them than my H is but i know i love them because i would do anything to keep them safe and couldn't imagine my life without them!

Do you feel quite 'flat' emotionally? It could be pnd as you sound quite down

I certainly didn't have that rush of love with my first, it was more like a slow growing thing and I had plenty of times I didn't feel loving at all. I did have that immediate bonding with my second, but I think first time around I was too unsure and stressed (probably pre-natal depression) to really feel like that. I don't think you have to feel endless delight and pleasure in your child and the feelings you do describe are very positive, so perhaps it is a perspective thing. But if you feel flat, as someone else has said, about other things too or just that life is very hard, then do see the doctor or talk with your partner.

You are not a bad mother at all. You are a very astute and self aware mother. It is not unheard of to feel like this. Sometimes it can be indicative of something like pnd. How do you feel otherwise?

I loved my dd very quickly, in a fierce and instinctive way. It took much longer with my ds and I felt very much like you did for a long time. I liked and enjoyed him in a sort of detached way but the overwhelming love took much longer.

Please don't berate yourself. It's also important to recognise that sometimes you just don't like the grind of the early months or years. Even with dd who I loved in a visceral, astonishing way, I didn't particularly like the early years. As she grows into a young woman, I love parenting her more and more.

It's reassuring to hear that it's sometimes taken others a little while to develop those emotions. I just worry that she'll pick up on my feeling detached from her. I have wondered about PND, but it seems to come and go - I'm not feeling really down all the time (have been full-on depressed in the past and it doesn't feel like that). I do feel a bit emotionally flat, though, but I tend to deal with it by spending far too much time online (yay MN distraction) and spacing out a bit.

Morph, last year she was hospitalised with a severe allergic reaction, and although I was panicking, I was also detached enough to be worrying about whether the nurses would think I seemed sufficiently frightened and concerned! So even at a time when her life was in danger, I was wondering how I came across to others! The anaphylaxis itself seemed so unreal, as if I was watching it all happen from a distance.

As others have said you do sound very self aware.I too came from a family where parents didn't show any affection.They didn't know how to as their own parents hadn't shown any. But I have felt a huge rush of love for both my girls which overwhelms me at times!I think it would be no harm to have a chat with your gp about this.

Babs, it sounds to me like you are constantly looking at your behaviour and judging yourself against some motherly ideal (even if you don't know what that is) as finding yourself wanting.

This was a huge huge part of my PND and massive anxiety problems. My counsellor eventually helped me to see that I was always looking for The Best Way, never able to relax and be comfortable in my own skin and with my own feelings/decisions as a mother.

As soon as I could realise that there IS no "best way" - there are tons of "good ways" none of which is any better than any other - and I was already exactly the mother my children needed, I was on a quick road to recovery. There is no Best Way. There is only Your Way. If you are not a lovey-dovey-huggy mother, then so be it. What sorts of things do you like doing with DD? Do those. Don't judge yourself. You are DD's mum and ispo facto you are the best mum for her.

DD2 is nearly 7 and I feel all those rush of love things for both of them - no idea if it's the same rush of love as other mothers, but you know what? I no longer give a single fuck about that. I'm proud of them, I love them, I worry about them, MY way.

I'm not saying you have PND, I'm just saying you need to stop thinking there is some Motherly Ideal that you are not living up to.

I feel the same as you OP. My DS is 2.6 now and I have more days when I feel rushes of love for him when he's doing or saying something lovely and funny. I think I did have (or maybe even still do have?) Pnd but have never taken any ad's or spoken to anyone properly about it, just muddled along and am now taking some natural stuff to help with my moods which seem to be working.

I hope knowing someone else has similar feelings will help. I wod suggest talking to someone in rl maybe. I am trying to be brave enough to get some counselling for issues I have from childhood as I think it may help me.

I'm sure as time goes on the feelings will come clearer for your Dd and it is good you are trying to do things differently from your own mother.

I do love my DS, more than anything, but I thought he looked like ET when he was born, and do feel the need to rest from him sometimes.
I am usually calm in emergencies, and I've been through bronchiolitis and croup with him without panicking.
Still, I'll have him in my bed when he's I'll because that way I know how he's doing.
I sleep through thunderstorms but will hear any faint cries or bedroom doors opening in the night.
And would kill seriously harm anyone who threatened his life.

You don't have to be like any other mum.
If your child feels loved by you, you are a loving mum.

You don't have to be with them 100% of the time, nor always give them your attention.

We're moving back to the US in a month, but I think I'll be trying to get some kind of counselling when I get out there (fingers crossed for decent insurance coverage). Hearts, I think you're right; it's bloody exhausting constantly wondering if I'm doing things right or if I'm going to screw her up like our mother did us!

You love her, I can tell that.

I think it is natural that what your mother told you will have made you think certain things, and question certain things. And made you fearful of certain things.

You may have PND, I dont know.
And yes, a bit of counselling may help too.

The fact that you are worried about all of this, shows that you care a great deal.
So, no, you wont become your mother in this matter.

And you only need to be good enough.
Which I think you are already.

Are you worried you don't love her? You sound very caring and appreciative, even if you don't have that physical overpowering feeling. Doesn't mean your love is any less, just that it doesn't show itself physically. If you weren't shown physical love or massive happy appreciation of your existence by your parents then it might not be easy to show it yourself in that way.

Perhaps it's pnd - that can certainly block the strong connection, because it makes you feel quite spaced out and as though life is happing on the other side of the glass from you. But if you've had depression before, you know the signs.

Also, it could be that you just aren't at your mothering best with a child of that age. My love for my DC has massively intensified since they grew older. The physical feeling of love is much stronger. Partly because I'm not so knackered or bored, and partly because, gorgeous as they are, I found babies quite dull to look after all day every day. The more we have been able to chat as equals, the stronger my love feels for DC.

I always loved them and it was always a physical sensation - like a sort of aching in the ribcage, but that's not, imo, a sign the love is any stronger than someone who doesn't get that feeling. I even get that for the cat and I don't love him a tenth as much as the DC.

Honestly, unless it's making you really unhappy, just trust that you do love her. Do fun things together and give her lots of cuddles, whether you feel like it or not, as these are both massive bond-strengtheners.

sounds to me you love her very much, just need to concentrate on what you enjoy doing with her
just because you don't like running round the playground doesn't mean you wont enjoy a snuggle in the big bed

I think Heart's post is spot on. It sounds as though you're so worried about doing things right and about how other's perceive your parenting, that it's stifling and hobbling you.

Fwiw, I did have that immediate rush of love when DD was born, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't drive me nuts most of the time or that I don't need frequent breaks from her. I've never been any good at playing either - I really am not a 'fun mummy' and never will be. My ideas of fun do not generally correlate with those of a small child. The older DD gets (she's 10), the more I enjoy her. I didn't much enjoy the early years tbh. I love her very much, but she's a person with good points and bad, talents and flaws. I don't feel like I have this unconditional adoration of her that seems to be expected on MN.

No idea where that rogue apostrophe in other's [sic] crept in there!

Are you feeling brave enough to tackle inner-child therapy? In John Bradshaw's Homecoming, he says that those with a 'wounded inner child' will not be able to fully appreciate & parent their own children until they've done the same with themselves. It sounds a bit drastic, but he's not claiming that everyone's a crap parent until they've done the work - it's about depth. I can say with all honesty that I look at children differently, and feel more love for them (any children; I haven't got my own!) since working the course. I know quite a few parents who've said it's true for them.

From your posts, I feel sure you are a good and loving parent anyway. I'm not trying to imply any deficiency. Just suggesting that the failures of your own parents may be blocking you from fully realising your greater potentials.

I can identify completely with your child and felt exactly the same as you for the first 2/3 years of my DD's life. Things have unravelled a lot recently due to an external event which has snapped me out of the numbness I was in. Now I can see that that numbness extended to other things too and I feel disconnected from my real self. Not beng authentic because of unresolved issues. They were keeping a wall around me separating me from my DD but also the rest of the world. Wen I had DD it brought into sharper focus than ever before my own childhood. I couldn't properly connect with DD because I felt so incomplete myself. I sort of wanted to be her and be nurtured and cared for. It was only once everything really unravelled over several months and I could see just how thick this wall had become that I could start to let go of some stuff and break it down.

When that happened it was like a weights being lifted. I felt more content and at peace and able to be in the moment with DD more. The formation of a true bond didn't start straight away but being in the moment more set me on a path which carried its own momentum towards that.

The other major thing that helped was reading some helpful child psychology around DD's personality type. She is very sensitive to her surroundings and can few hard work. I read some helpful books which made me that she wasnt being "difficult" or "high maintenance"; she was just acting to her temperament. This is often inherited and I see how similar I must have been as a child which, although my mother was (objectively) lacking in a lot of ways meaning there was no real nurturing, I can see how a lack of understanding of, and empathy with, me would have exacerbated things. I can see how I was going the same way as my mother and that was a short sharp shock to the system.

Have a think about your happy and real you feel and whether there are any problems you haven't confronted properly which are holding you back from opening yourself up.

Don't want to project own experiences (which may be very particular) onto you but I think sometimes you can be very far away from the reality of you.

Best wishes x

sorry first line "can identify completely with you" !

what garlicnutty said - in much more elegant form and without typos! X

Haha, kettle, I read your post murmuring "What a beautiful post!" Let's start a mutual fan club, with Bab as honorary chair

ahh bless you garlic xx

Honestly, I've felt the 'proper' fierce overpowering rush of love for 3 of my children every single moment from day one. But I have four children.

May they never know it.