What should loving your child feel like?

[BabCNesbitt]

What does it feel like for you? And has that changed over time? DD is nearly 20 months, and while I'm very fond of her, and I think she's funny and lovely and gorgeous and smart, I've never felt that overwhelming rush of love and delight in their children that so many other parents on here talk about. Rather, at times I've felt quite distanced from her, and still do feel like that on occasions - like I'm looking after someone else's (admittedly lovely) child. When DH is home evenings or weekends, I'm more than happy to let him take on the bulk of playing with her, taking her to the park, reading her bedtime stories etc, because if I'm honest I find it to be a bit of a chore. Even if we go out as a family, he'll be the one carrying her or climbing the playground equipment with her while I zone out.

I know that this makes me a bad mother to her and that it isn't the normal way to feel about your own kid, and I wonder if other parents have felt this way about their children around this age and managed to improve the bond with them?

(Brief background for me: my mother made it clear that she didn't want to have children and often told me how she wanted to run away. Any affection we got was for doing well in school-related things or for receiving praise for being good children from outsiders. So I'm not really sure what parental love looks like, and I'm afraid that even when I try to show it to DD, it seems fake and/or smothering because I'm not sure how to find the right balance of affection and distance.)

My DS must be very close in age to your DD. He's 20 months at the end f this month.

I find with both mine that you move in and then out of love with your children, even though you always love them. I can have a great phase where (in DS's case) he is sleeping well, eating well, is funny, learning loads of new words and is a delight. He happens to be like that at the moment. 12 to 16 months were hard though and while I loved him it was a challenge! Likewise with DD - she's in a great phase at the moment, but there were a few months of toddlerhood where I really didn't like her much and was glad to see the back of her a bedtime.

I've just realised BOTH my are currently in a "good" phase. This can't last much longer, surely?!

" I think she's funny and lovely and gorgeous and smart"

Take out all the 'buts' and that's honest-to-god love, right there. You're proud of her, you want her to be happy, you think she's beautiful and clever... and you're not deluded enough to think she's perfect. Why worry that there's no 'rush'? What you're feeling is the real deal.

I think lots of the 'important' things in life, weddings, loved ones dying, finding a life partner, having children - come media-packaged with a set of presumed emotions that you think you are supposed to feel. Sometimes you feel the 'pre-packaged' emotion, sometimes you don't. I haven't in loads of cases.

What actually matters is to be decent and honourable and do your best. Which you are doing, OP. You may be struck with more intense emotions at any given odd moment and be surprised, or you may not. Let yourself feel what you feel and don't worry too much x

I felt it with ds (and still do) but not with 4 mo dd. I have pnd which i think has been triggered by the fact dd is a girl. Due to my own shitty childhood i see girls as very vulnerable but also as very difficult and complicated. This is because i suffered abuse as a child and because my mother was emotionally closed off - much like yours i think. Any attempt to show emotion or elicit affection was met with ridicule or annoyance. I feel unable to mother a girl. I am on ads which are really helping but i eventually need to have counselling.

Hi all,

Sorry I haven't replied sooner - we've been dealing with power cuts and huge leaks here, so I got a bit distracted from MN! But I really appreciate all the responses, and they've helped me feel a lot better.

I do think that getting some counselling eventually will help. But over the last couple of days I've been trying to compare what it's like when I'm with her as opposed to how it seems when I think about it afterwards. And I think that I probably do tend to over-analyse it - when I do get off my arse and do stuff with her, it's great and I have fun with her and enjoy being with her. (Not all the time, obviously - she's a toddler!) But it's getting motivated to do anything that's the problem - I always think it's going to be more of a slog than it turns out to be, and then I feel like a bad mother because instead I'm plopping her on the floor with some crayons while I'm on MN. So I guess I just need to make more of an effort to actually be present with her, if that doesn't sound too woowoo.