very long sorry - Im done with husband

[KittyLane1]

It's been along time coming but I'm finally done with my husband. The final straw come today when he announced that he had volunteered to work on DDs birthday. Might not seem like a big deal but its the second year in a row that he has done this, leaving me alone with DD and resulting in a normal day for her. He has also arranged for us to go to MIL for dinner in the evening, which I don't want to do. I don't get on with MIL, this will be the 3rd year we have done this, and I hate it. He will act like super dad infront of her and get a lot of praise even though he hardly ever sees DD, never takes her out on his own, never does bath/bed, never reads to her etc. It's all me.

Been married over a year, together 6. But he works away and we never see each other. No romance, no kissing, no sex. Nothing. No alone time. All our finances are separate. I buy everything for DD including all her birthday presents.

I'm just so fed up of coming second and now DD is coming second on her birthday. It's unfair and very lonely..

AIBU?

My dh works two jobs and I feel like a single parent, however if he didn't we wouldn't have nice things, wouldn't have nice holidays and hopefully move this year. It's frustrating never seeing him but my colleagues husband walked out on her for another woman and hasn't contacted his family once. It could be much worse. Oh and my mil is much worse, yours sounds nice.

I think lots of people are missing the point. The volunteering to work on dd birthday seems to me to be the final straw - op does everything on her own with dd, and is a single parent in all but name it seems. She has already told him how unhappy she is yet he continues to act this way. I really do think life is too short to waste on someone who isn't right for you - dd may well pick up on this too.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

I would go to the zoo anyway. Drop him off at work, go to the zoo, pick him up on the back. Get a takeaway for dinner and/ or feed dd on the way back. Or go to mils for tea after.

I wouldn't cancel a birthday treat - my dh often has to work significant dates. I take the dc alone most places even on hols. Dh joins us if he can.

Invite your mil to the zoo if you don't want to go alone, maybe she can drive. Is she doing dinner to make dd feel special as her day is cancelled? That's nice of her.

Why wouldn't you go alone though? much more fun and your dd gets all your attention, and enjoys looking at everything with you.

OP that does sound rotten, I totally understand how you feel and you know if he is cruel and manipulative or just an entirely thoughtless pillock. My husband has no clue how much reassurance I need, particularly when he's away a lot, it saps my confidence quite quickly if he seems dismissive of me.

But if it is just him not getting how important it is for you and DD then maybe try marriage counselling? I read something about the languages of love - sounds grim but it makes sense, people show their love in different ways; words, quality time, gifts, acts of service and I can't remember the other one... Don't think it was shagging but it sounds reasonable that people don't understand that what they think of as their clear communication of love is not getting across.

You sound angry with him but like you still love him - maybe there is hope still?

I recognise this behaviour from my own husband, it is depressing and wears you down. Have to agree with you OP why should you have to live like a single woman? One thing I would do if I was you is stop paying for everything for your DC. I did that too. Instead start saving, secretly if you have to, so you can plan your move. Start asking him to contribute to anything you purchase for them. This guy wont change, he isnt bothered about family life. He simply wants to keep his parents happy.

You go to your first post and click on the report bit and ask in the reason for reporting

Thanks for the replies

ilovechips got it perfectly. I know work is very important, I work too, I worked on my birthday and thought nothing of it. I doubt he is working for financial reasons as he won't get extra money, just time off. As I said he works away from home so the time off he gets will be spent down south, not with us.
I can't take his car so I will have to take the train. I said about taking a friend because it was suggested up thread. Also because its a long way away and I may need help. DD gets loads of one on one time with me, but she is a typical toddler who tantrums, runs away, talks non stop etc, I would like another adult with me to help. I never get help.

And as for taking MIL, hahaha! Yeh right, I would chuck her in the lion enclosure and be done with it. X

Cut this dead weight lose. It seems that a line has been drawn, and he has walked over it. Take dd out. To the zoo if you can get there. At least if the expectation of him coming is gone, the experience for you will be more enjoyable, if he's not around to let you down, you'll have an easier time of it.

Take dd to the zoo yourself, and then ring mil and say that dd's spent all the day outside and is now too tired to do anything else other than go to bed.

Why can't he take dd to mil and you get some alone time in the evening?

Because I don't want alone time. I get alone time every single night when DD is in bed. Ever night I sit alone. I want family time with my husband and daughter. I want my husband to want that too.

Fair enough about taking your friend. Kitty it sound to me especially from your last comment that you want your marriage to work not end.
Your dh is being a selfish partner and father but it would be a much better outcome for you and your dd if he can see that through counselling rather that through you leaving.

Sadly sometimes you just can't make someone want that. I feel for you so much OP, every single thing you say was me until 4 years ago. I personally gave up after 13 years of sitting alone night after night and 9 years of effectively being a single parent. I wish now I'd ended it sooner and have no regrets - am finally now living a life with someone who is interested in me and our family and it makes me realise more than ever that sometimes sadly some people are just not compatible. Good luck

Kitty you can't make him want what you want, he just doesn't seem that interested in time with your and your Dd.
Life is too short to have to spend it like this, do you want this to be Dd's birthday in 10 more years, or how about when she goes off to college, then the evenings will be more lonely he'll still be doing what he wants and you will be waiting for him to want the same things you want.

What does he do when he has time off and he is "down south"?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You can't make him want what you want I am sorry to say.

He seems to have checked out of this some time back and you wrote initially that you are done with your H.

You need to plan it without him, explain that it's not acceptable, give him a chance to change his shift.

Then try to get him to open up, is he worried about money, responsibility? Is that why he works?

Then you need to explore what type of parents you want to be. How you will spend birthdays, holidays, weekends.

Cancel the MIL, he can do that seperately. Just explain honestly to her what he has done and say we are going to be late home and tired from the train.

I think the first few years are really hard and this is your test. My DH was very uninterested in our children when they are babies. ( i thought i might have made a mistake) He's amazing now, we did a lot of talking about what we wanted to do with them how we would parent them. He just wasn't enamoured with babies. I think i made it clear i would and could do it without him.

So

He deliberately volunteered to work on his DDs birthday, knowing the planned outing would be cancelled, as he has to use the car to travel.

He never kisses, cuddles or had sex with you.

He never spends time with his dd, never reads her a story, takes her out, baths her.

He knows you dislike his mother yet plans a visit to her, without asking you.

He (presumably) stands by and listens to his mother, who says nasty things to you about the way you bring up your dd and your appearance.

He sounds a right bastard and you should leave him. I think you'd be far happier without him constantly disappointing you.