very long sorry - Im done with husband

[KittyLane1]

It's been along time coming but I'm finally done with my husband. The final straw come today when he announced that he had volunteered to work on DDs birthday. Might not seem like a big deal but its the second year in a row that he has done this, leaving me alone with DD and resulting in a normal day for her. He has also arranged for us to go to MIL for dinner in the evening, which I don't want to do. I don't get on with MIL, this will be the 3rd year we have done this, and I hate it. He will act like super dad infront of her and get a lot of praise even though he hardly ever sees DD, never takes her out on his own, never does bath/bed, never reads to her etc. It's all me.

Been married over a year, together 6. But he works away and we never see each other. No romance, no kissing, no sex. Nothing. No alone time. All our finances are separate. I buy everything for DD including all her birthday presents.

I'm just so fed up of coming second and now DD is coming second on her birthday. It's unfair and very lonely..

AIBU?

why on earth do you cancel the zoo if he isn't going? sounds like your using DD as a means to show your DH how annoyed you are with him, and that's not fair to her. Take her anyway.

Go to the zoo. Don't go for dinner, stay out with DD and have something either at the zoo or on the way home. I don't necessarily think YABU to want to end your marriage, but it's worth trying to change the established pattern of behaviour first, to see if that sort things out. If DS chooses to work, more fool he, really - I don't see why you can't take a child out on your own and have a much better time without him.

To be very blunt, if you do end your marriage are you going to never take DD out on your own? Time to start learning some coping skills...

I do drive but he will have the car, good idea about getting the train somewhere, I'm sure my best friend will come as well if I ask.
I might be a cow and stay late, have dinner then let DD fall asleep. I hate having to think that way, I hate power games, I just want a loving relationship in which we support each other.

Yes MIL makes comments about raising DD. I used to be a model so I take pride in how I look, I dress DD nicely and make sure she is clean and well groomed but of course she is so young that 5mins later she is mucky from head to toe and everywhere in between. So I get comments like if mummy took as much care of you that she takes of herself you wouldn't look like orphan Annie. Etc.

I have sat down with husband and sobbed and shakes and broke down. Told him how I felt, told him everything. He agreed and promised to try. Lasted a week. (This was about 2 months ago) x

Please, at the very least take her to the zoo yourself. There is absolutely no reason why you should let her down too, unless there is something you are not telling us.

I used to take my dss all over the place by myself when DH was working (every other weekend). We went to museums, parks, farms, anywhere just to get out of the house.

Please get her to the zoo somehow :(

Can you possibly arrange a lift with friend?

What an utter bastard to arrange to work, taking the car with him and spoiling her birthday treat. Really. What an arse.

Oh and Wilson I do take DD out on my own. Always on my own. I take her to soft play, parks, nursery, meet friends, toddler groups. Always on my own. For once I would like to do things as a family. I am not a single mum, I don't see why I should live like one.

I pay everything for DD because he pays for the house and bills etc. Like I said, our finances are separate x

I think if he elects to got to work on his daughter's birthday, then he can get public transport to work and you can have the car.

Regarding the MIL comments, that sort of comment I'd take in my stride, it may be meant as a joke.

Yanbu, be on your way and meet someone lovely who will value you and dd resulting in you being happy xx

So don't.
Leave and find someone who wants to be a part of yours and your Dds life.

I'd arrange a day out and give your dd a lovely day. If you feel this is the final straw, then end it sooner than later. No point being miserable.

YANBU. Life is short and whizzes by. For the love of mercy get rid of this drain on your well being and start living. You sound lovely actually and a great parent. You really deserve so much better than this.

Would it work if you took him to work in the car, then you have the car for the rest of the day?

Does he work somewhere with no public transport links?

I agree with clare tell him your DD has birthday plans and you will still need the car, and that he knew that when he volunteered to work on her birthday.

It may seem like voluntary over time, but without it would the company go under and residency seem likely.

My DH work 8 weeks with others and without this then his works would have lost an important client resulting in 40 people losing there jobs.

Without this work could he still pay the bills and keep the roof over your heads? Does he feel the pressure that he has to volunteer for extra shifts?

Birthdays whilst are nice to spend together is not an excuse for not having enough money to pay the bills; have you spoken about finances and if he is worried about his job?

Just to be a total cow. i'd take the car.
While hes getting ready for work, i'd make sure i was up, dressed and got my daughter ready and i'd go to the zoo.
Sod him. what an arse.
I dont blame you for wanting to leave him, i'd of done it a long time ago!

Either ask him how he is planning ot get to work as you will be taking to car so that DD can go to the zoo

or (if you can't because it's technically his car and he pays the bills for it)

Hire a car and go to the zoo anyway.

I'm sorry, I read your OP as you didn't take her out much, so disregard last comment!

You sound very dependant on others why does your best friend need to come to the zoo wouldn't your dd appreciate quality time with her mum.
Your dh seems selfish yes but missing a dc birthday is a deal breaker really?

It's obviously not going to solve the whole problem but try and have a nice day with your daughter anyway.

You don't sound unreasonable. Also - an excellent grandmother wouldn't criticise you in front of your daughter!

Hello OP
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this to relationships, won't you?
Thanks

How do I do that Olivia?

I'm still a bit confused as to why you married him just a year ago. Was the relationship good then?

Before leaving you could try Relate or similar. Being a single mum is not much fun and you don't want to make a hasty decision. He might be better with dd when she's a bit older, certainly my dh found the younger years boring.