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Relationships

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Original poster

DH seems to only enjoy sex when I don't want it

44 replies

moleavenger · 17/06/2013 11:56

Last night I had been out for a drink with some female friends and had become rather tipsy and tired. I came home and got into bed and heard DH coming in. I told him that I was about to pass out and he seemed to find this a turn on and he started to have sex with me as I was falling asleep. I was fine with this and it was nice, but found myself almost playing up to him wanting me to be incapacitated. The more like a "dead dolly" I was, the more he got into it. He kept asking "are you half asleep?" as if to reaffirm some kind of fantasy to himself.

Before you misinterpret, DH never forces sex on me when I don't want it and we have never come close to ANYTHING like rape, but I find it weird that DH is mostly into sex at times when I deny him it. When I am horny and raring to go, it often seems like he could take it or leave it, but if there's a reason like I'm tired or drunk or simply can't, he's like a dog on heat.

Why, do you think?

OP posts:

oreoaddict · 17/06/2013 12:03

Hmmm, tricky one I think.

I've heard of this before actually and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

There are a couple of things you've said which I don't quite get. "DH is mostly into sex at times when I deny him it". What do you mean? Also the "dead dolly" bit. You put quotation marks, so I'm assuming this is something he's actually said to you? Because I would say that was concerning, yes.

Have there been other times like this?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/06/2013 12:04

Think you hit the nail on the head with 'fantasy'... It's not particularly nice to think that his ideal turn-on is a woman who is submissive, helpless, half-asleep and offering no resistance but, as long as you're a willing participant and don't feel coerced or degraded, I don't see the problem

msrisotto · 17/06/2013 12:06

God that's weird and super creepy.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 17/06/2013 12:08

You say he is mostly into sex when you don't want it.

Does that mean you have sex, even though you don't want to because he goes on about it so much, you just give in?

Because that would be an issue for me tbh.
You said you were ok, you were enjoying it this time, fair enough. But it does sound like he enjoys having sex only when you don't want to and to me, that would be an issue.

Original poster

moleavenger · 17/06/2013 12:08

it was me who coined the term dead dolly - I should not have put it in inverted commas. I was just lying there limp (deliberately) and he was moving around like he was playing with a doll.

Creepy right?!

OP posts:

MatersMate · 17/06/2013 12:09

It would creep me out no end, but if you enjoy it too, then fine. do you though? When you're not really participating?

onetiredmummy · 17/06/2013 12:11

Takes all sorts to make the world go round, as long as you are fulfilled & happy with it then its OK.

However (& this is not helpful I know) there was an American serial killer who always asked his lovers to 'play dead' for him. So I find it a bit creepy because of this association.

Has this always been the case? Or is a recent development?

Original poster

moleavenger · 17/06/2013 12:13

I would like a sex life where, when I want it and how I want it, I can have it.

But DH seems to get his kicks mainly from the idea of having to seduce me against my will to have sex. Or convince me, or work on me. In fact sometimes I even pretend I don't want it when I REALLY want it, so that he will be more into it.

Thrill of the chase?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/06/2013 12:13

It's creepy. Are you "allowed" to participate or make a noise at all when you are "playing dead dolly". Does he discourage that ?

Wowserz129 · 17/06/2013 12:14

Sorry OP but that is creepy as hell! Did you feel comfortable lying there limp while he moved you like a doll? I guess if neither of you have a problem with it, it's just the creepiness of it to get over.

AnyFucker · 17/06/2013 12:14

This is one of those threads that is going to morph into something very worrying, isn't it ?

Original poster

moleavenger · 17/06/2013 12:16

I am fine with doing that occasionally if that's what he wants but I just notice that he is more into sex that way and is not so interested any other way which makes me a little bit and I am trying to work out the psychology behind it

OP posts:

Original poster

moleavenger · 17/06/2013 12:17

AF - it's not! Relationship is normal. I am just trying to get to the bottom of my DH's approach to sex.

OP posts:

MonstersDontCry · 17/06/2013 12:18

As long as you never feel pressured, and are comfortable with it, there isn't a problem. the fact you're posting this does suggest you aren't 100% okay with it.

oreoaddict · 17/06/2013 12:19

mole, overall, I think it's creepy. I think you need to talk to him about it.

Thrill of the chase?.....maybe, but it depends on what kind of thrill he's getting and exactly what he's thinking about whilst you're lying there limp.

Thinking about it, my ex did use to like something similar, but he was still very much into it when I was, so I didn't worry about it too much. The fact that you say he's not really into it when you are is concerning, definitely.

Has this always been the case?

Original poster

moleavenger · 17/06/2013 12:19

I'm posting because I'm wondering why he might do it and what might be the fantasy. And I'm trying to get to the bottom of the psychology behind it because I don't want our sex life to be like this all of the time. Some of the time, fine, but not all the time. I'm trying to work out what his needs are, if this is what he wants.

OP posts:

Keztrel · 17/06/2013 12:20

Have you asked him about it OP? I find the fact you think your own husband is creepy more disturbing than anything. If you were into it then fine, but you're clearly not and seem to find him disturbing.

AuntieStella · 17/06/2013 12:20

In the title, you say it's "only seems to enjoy"

Does this mean you only do it when you act as if dead? If so, that would be a fetishisation too far for me. Indulging your partners fantasies sometimes even if weird/potentially creepy is one thing (assuming you really don't mind). Finding your sex life dysfunctional without them is a bad indicator.

Of course, if you are also getting plenty of sex that is fulfilling for you, then this is likely to be a non-issue. But if his fantasy is at the expense of what you like, it's worrying.

Original poster

moleavenger · 17/06/2013 12:21

He's always been quite dominating in sex (which I've liked), but he seems to have discovered it recently (another time I was drunk), liked it and developed a bit of a penchant for it.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/06/2013 12:23

"trying to get to the bottom of the psychology"

You should Google 'Sub & Dom', stand back and wait for the avalanche of weird fetish sites that will come back at you. Quite a lot of people get their kicks out of dominating others... others like to be dominated.

badinage · 17/06/2013 12:24

If this is a recent development, I'd say he's got into rape porn.

If it's not and it's always been like this, I can't for the life of me see that this is a normal relationship and always has been.

Men who are turned off by women having any agency during sex tend to have issues with women having any agency generally and find it impossible to leave those views at the bedroom door.

But what does he say about it?

Keztrel · 17/06/2013 12:25

I think you'd be able to get to the bottom of it far more quickly by asking him what he likes about it and why and working out if you can get a balance where both your desires are fulfilled. On here, he's going to gradually turn into a scary psycho, based on what you've said so far.

Vivacia · 17/06/2013 12:26

I think you could describe the same encounter in less creepy terms, such as light submissive/dominant role play. So, I agree with the poster above saying that the worrying thing is that you're uncomfortable abou it. Also, you don't feel you get the kind of sex you want.

Will you talk to him about it?

MatersMate · 17/06/2013 12:27

I used to work for a third party on line billing agency for porn sites. One of the most popular ones was called 'out cold and unconscious' It chilled me to the bone every time I had to go in that site.
The guys got a kick out of looking at 'staged' women either dead, unconscious from drink or drugs, or asleep, with someone having sex with them.

why haven't you talked to him about this OP?

Fillyjonk75 · 17/06/2013 12:28

I guess for him, it's a very easy form of sex with no pressure to perform and also he doesn't have to think about your needs. I think you are right, OP, it might be all right every now and then but ultimately a healthy sex life is about sharing both partners' fantasties so a bit of quid pro quo wouldn't go amiss.

Obviously carrying on when you've said to stop or doing anything without your consent is another matter entirely than pretending.

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