DH seems to only enjoy sex when I don't want it

[moleavenger]

Last night I had been out for a drink with some female friends and had become rather tipsy and tired. I came home and got into bed and heard DH coming in. I told him that I was about to pass out and he seemed to find this a turn on and he started to have sex with me as I was falling asleep. I was fine with this and it was nice, but found myself almost playing up to him wanting me to be incapacitated. The more like a "dead dolly" I was, the more he got into it. He kept asking "are you half asleep?" as if to reaffirm some kind of fantasy to himself.

Before you misinterpret, DH never forces sex on me when I don't want it and we have never come close to ANYTHING like rape, but I find it weird that DH is mostly into sex at times when I deny him it. When I am horny and raring to go, it often seems like he could take it or leave it, but if there's a reason like I'm tired or drunk or simply can't, he's like a dog on heat.

Why, do you think?

I'd be having a look at his Internet history.

I think it's telling that you have some concerns about this though. It's probably wise to look into it more.

Yes caja I'd want to see what he was looking at on line too.

I ask DH about it all the time. He says he doesn't know why he likes it but that he likes the idea of "taking advantage." When I press him further he says it's nothing to over-analyse and we can have sex any way I want.

But I just feel that he is more turned on by sex like this.

It sounds like he is objectifying you, and fitting you into some kind of fantasy in his mind. This kind of sex always makes me uncomfortable when I hear about it because it means that the whole thing is about only one person and what they want. It is not an intimate act which celebrates the bond you both have or which acknowledges you as a person. He may be being influenced by images he's seen somewhere- does he look at porn? I would tread carefully OP it all sounds a bit sinister to me, I would feel very uncomfortable if my DH did anything like this.

So what happens when you say no? And mean it?

BaldricksTurnip it is a bit like that, but then we do have very intimate and loving sex, but just not as often. He is more sexually turned on by this sort of sex. I agree about his internet history but he has locks on everything and no shared computers...

TantrumsAndBalloons when I say no and mean it, he understands and stops trying. He never crosses the line.

He sounds rather dismissive.

He has, at the very least, a rather odd fetish. He likes acting on this with you. It would seem that he should then be willing to talk about it with you. Not wanting to discuss it makes it seem so much more sinister.

He is a rape fantasist. I believe some men (and women) operate their sex lives along these lines, seeking out more and more of the "thrill" of it.

Personally, I prefer the sex I have to be interactive and one thing guaranteed to dry up my metaphorical juices is the idea of someone "taking advantage"

mole I don't think it's enough for him to just say that he doesn't know why he get's off on it, it's not big deal etc. It is a big deal because you're starting to feel uncomfortable.

Of course the main thing is that he stops when you tell him to, but I think you need to maybe change your approach when you talk about it with him again, because he's obviously not getting just how concerning you're starting to find this.

How about you try explaining to him that, while he finds this a particular turn-on, you find other things (like feeling horny and being an active partner in bed) much more of a turn-on, and you want a varied and enthusiastic sex life, so, ok from time to time but in return he has to be game for it when you are raring to go?

I don't see any fundamental harm in him having this 'kink' so long as it doesn't get more serious (if you aren't game for that) and it doesn't become a fetish (ie the only way for him to get off).

People find all sorts of odd things get them going. The important thing is that you don't feel coerced into doing things that make you uncomfortable, or don't get a fulfilling sex life because of it.

If you ask on the MN techy-geeky forum someone will probably be able to help you check his internet habits. If he hasn't got anything to hide then there would be no problem in him showing you. A lot of mainstream "normal" porn nowadays seems quite violent towards the women participants & the woman being asleep can usually be found on mainstream sites (no doubt it has a porn-category name). If he found he liked that kind of thing it would only be a click or two away from the rape-fantasy stuff.

I don't think it's a problem if it's just a small part of a varied sex life.

If it's all that turns him on, then that is quite unpleasant.

I was seeing someone for a bit who was like this. I wasn't allowed to move! Turns out because he was panicking he'd cum early. It was crap and we didn't last long. He wasn't willing to change! He didn't see my problem....

Like AF, I would have suspicions that he is someone who gets turned on at the idea of non consensual sex - rape. Not nice at all!

Thanks for all replies. Which is the geeky tech MN forum?! Does MN actually do email hacking?!

Sounds one sided, like it's all about what turns him on. Next time he suggests 'dead dolly' I think you should say 'maybe next time, it's my choice tonight' and get him to act out your favourite fantasy.

It sounds to me like AF etc said that he is into rape porn or something similar if he is getting most excited about this kind of sex. It chills me to the bone thinking people can have that kind of sexual fantasies. I wouldn't have any more of that kind of sex until you establish what you are comfortable with. After reading your further posts OP you don't sound comfortable with it and that in itself worries me. If he is being evasive about where the fantasy comes from and telling you not to over think it, that makes me think it definitely is some kind of rape fantasy that he doesn't want to tell you about.

Yup, he doesn't want to talk about it, he just wants Op to STFU and let him get on with it

For me it's not so much the nature of the fantasy as the mode of playing it out. Lots of people, women included (remember the Nancy Friday books) fantasise about rape and lots of other seemingly aggressive, inappropriate and/or degrading scenarios and we can debate the politics/ethics/feminist response to these. There is a big difference though between sharing fantasies as lovers and agreeing to act them out within safe limits...and this case where one party is indulging a selfish fantasy without any regard for the other person's involvement, enjoyment or, you might argue, consent.