Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To tell my DD to LTB

26 replies

LEMisdisappointed · 16/06/2013 20:59

I have posted this in AIBU and told that i was, i accept that but actually, the pit of my stomach tells me otherwise

I am fuming, well beyond that really - I have The Rage!!

Its my DD1s birthday today, she is 23. She came out with us on Friday night and was out with her friends last night. She lives with her DP of five years.

So today, her birthday, he fucks off out all day with his mates (to be fair doing an organised sport thing that he takes v seriously) leaving her on her own with a promise he will be back at 3, will take her for a meal tonight - ive just spoken to her and he was home late (i think about 6.30) and is now sleeping. No birthday present.

Fucking bastard - i am so upset, have been out with DP and DD2 today, woudl have been no problem to swing by and pick DD1 up or do something with her.

This is a deal breaker isn't it??

I want her home - we don't have room really (long story) but we can make room or she can stay at my mums (around the corner) as she actally has a bedroom there. The only problem is her work, she works near where she lives (30 miles away), has to be there at stupid o clock some mornings.

I don't know what to do to help - already said too much angry

OP posts:

Lweji · 16/06/2013 21:08

Are there other issues with their relationship?

Donnadoon · 16/06/2013 21:49

Maybe she was tired from last night? And Friday night. Birthdays are no big deal to some people, I find them depressing. If he takes his sport seriously then maybe cut him some slack ,perhaps he will make it up to her this week sometime.

tiredlady · 16/06/2013 21:57

Are you joking?
If there aren't other serious issues with this relationship then you are being totally precious and unreasonable
It's just a birthday ffs.
It's not like he's beating her up or anything (though clearly if he is then she should LTB)

Terrorvision · 16/06/2013 22:03

I am not big on birthdays but that is crap! She deserves to be cherished. If he can't make an effort now when will he? And heaven forbid she should think she is not worth it.

Smartiepants79 · 16/06/2013 22:08

Well it is crap. If I was her I would be very hurt and seriously pissed off.
However, your post says -"i am so upset and i want her home" you don't say how SHE feels. Does she want to leave him? Are there other issues.
At the end of the day it is down to her. It is only a deal breaker if it is a deal breaker to your DD.

marriednotdead · 16/06/2013 22:09

I understand your fury and pain, I have a daughter of a similar age and would be very upset in your shoes.

But, and it's a big but, it's her life and her choice.

Please don't put her in a position that makes her feel that her decisions are influenced by how you feel. The last thing you want to do is force her to take sides.
All you can do to help is listen, bite your tongue, and be there for her as always.

WafflyVersatile · 16/06/2013 22:24

You're going to have to come up with more than this if you want different answers from AIBU.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 16/06/2013 22:30

Is she gutted though? You are obviously gutted for her, but if she isn't bothered - she's an adult, it's not a special birthday, then it's maybe just one of those things.

If it was my birthday and DH, I would be mildly miffed but no more - birthdays aren't a massive thing. But then I wouldn't be filling my parents in on the details of my day either, TBH.

Is there more to it?

foreverondiet · 16/06/2013 23:26

Well - if he is a good bloke otherwise - and she isn't too upset then its none of your business - so butt out.

SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 16/06/2013 23:28

Is that the only thing?

If so then why should she leave him? She can be pissed off with him quote rightly but its not exactly a deal breaker

dontlaugh · 16/06/2013 23:29

There's more, isn't there? Out with it.

SlumberingDormouse · 17/06/2013 02:07

Your instinct is probably right. For illustration (and without meaning to gloat as we certainly DO have our differences), I am the same age as your DD and my DP once stayed up all night with me when I couldn't sleep.

I also find it concerning that they have been together for five years, and are now living together, without getting engaged. Your DD may find herself in a precarious position if they break up, especially if they have children - as my mother found out when my wealthy father kicked her out on to the street (literally) after a 15 year relationship, and there was nothing she could do about it.

TotallyBursar · 17/06/2013 04:01

Humm.

Well after being together for 4 years, living together, my then dp completely crapped out on me on my birthday.
I'm not one for a huge fuss but I didn't even get a 20p card or any acknowledgment.

I was hurt, I told my mum all about it too.

The only time in her life she gave me good advice 'just because he's been a thoughtless twat it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about you. It means he's been a thoughtless twat. Find out why & tell him what you'll do if it happens again'.
I did find out why, it was a culmination of handling stresses about money in a very immature way, trying to brazen it out & going about things in completely the wrong way.

The rest of our relationship was fine, it just stung, had she told me to leave him I would have ignored her and thought she was bonkers. One act of thoughtlessness or selfishness in an otherwise happy relationship is not a deal breaker.

I'm very glad that I didn't have to feel caught between my mother and dh for these long years of marriage. We both grew up and changed. I cocked up too. Whatever she thought, she kept to herself - which is why dh is very close to her now and she has an open invitation to our home and family, there is no stress or politics.

I have an exceptionally happy marriage and DH is so much more than one rough patch that caused him to make a wrong decision. That snapshot does not paint him as he is. And there are very definitely parts of our emotional relationship that my mother is not privy to - you never see the whole picture in someone else's marriage, sometimes you can see enough. From your op though I certainly can't see a reason for your reaction.

TotallyBursar · 17/06/2013 04:04

Also we only got married for legal reasons otherwise we would have stayed happily co-habiting - no engagement either, what would have been the point? Some of us really just don't care about getting wed.

LesMis - is it that this is an apparent continuation of the hobby/sports selfishness? Or is there more?

TheEarlOf · 17/06/2013 04:29

It it's just this incident and they are happy otherwise it is definitely not a reason to ltb!

Do you not like him?

RubyrooUK · 17/06/2013 07:09

There must be more to this LEM.

She had a night out with her family and her friends too, so this wasn't the only thing she was doing for her birthday. Yes, it's annoying that she was hoping to do something with her boyfriend but he was tired.

But surely now he should get the chance to make it up to her? My DH and I often do birthday things on other days if they are more convenient.

I think if your DD feels disappointed and annoyed, there is every reason for her to tackle it with him. If it is symptomatic of him being rubbish rather than a one-off, then maybe she will decide this guy is not for her. But I think it's only a deal breaker if something bigger is going on.

As for whoever said she should be worried about living with him for five years without being engaged....what? I have been with my DP for nearly 12 years and we have only been married for four. We knew we wanted to be together but had other things we wanted to do first. While marriage can be important for legalities, perhaps that isn't on her mind at 23?

Original poster

LEMisdisappointed · 17/06/2013 08:14

I have lived with my dp for 16 years not engagedwill tackle him as soon as he gets home!

Can see I have over reacted and hesrtened to see that this qualifies only as twattery. I do like him and he is good to dd. Think I was just upset for her as she made a big thing of her birthday weekend. Had the day off work and was looking forward to going out. He usually spoils her so this is out of character. She could have gone with him yesterday but was tired. They seem to be doing more separate stuff lately and I do think he wont be the one. I shouldn't have told her to leave but she wont take any notice of me so no worries there. She is working a 12 hour shift today so time to calm down.

OP posts:

Keztrel · 17/06/2013 08:21

Doing more separate stuff and not being precious about birthdays could be seen as a good thing for their relationship! I'm not saying it is necessarily as I know nothing about their relationship, but if you like him and he's good to her I think you're overreacting (as you know). DH and I do loads of stuff separately. It's good to have your own lives.

Original poster

LEMisdisappointed · 17/06/2013 09:37

Thanks Kestrel, that is reassuring. You are probably right - I often get a bit about people in relationships doing separate things as me and DP do everything together and always have done. Although if i am honest i prefer to socialise without him as he is pretty shy. I feel bad that i went over the top but have messaged her to say sorry and to ignore me.

The thing is, she WAS being precious about the birthday, so that was why i was upset on her behalf. She had this whole weekend planned out. Most of it came off, except the bit she was to be spending with him. He was supposed to come on the family meal on friday but was working - only because he didn't get his jobs done during the day, so if he WANTED to come he would have but he is painfully shy and finds these things akin to pulling teeth.

I find it hard, i suppose, to not say things etc because she is my DD and i love her, she left home pretty early, has been living with him for about three years, but only on their own together for the past year. I think the reality of having to pay rent (a high rent as they have a really nice flat) and bills is making them both have to grow up pretty quick and i do think there are issues surrounding money.

OP posts:

cory · 17/06/2013 09:46

I don't think you will make her life easier by voicing everything you are thinking. What a grown-up woman really needs from her mum is someone she can vent to safely; if you are always reacting to what she says, you will take that away from her and she will have to become more cautious in what she tells you.

She is not a small child anymore, she is a woman well old enough to have a family of her own, no doubt she has still got learning to do, but she needs to do that on her own. With a shoulder to cry on from time to time, not a shining knight to fight her battles.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 17/06/2013 10:23

I would have been very upset about this, and I do think as a mother gut instinct plays a large part when it comes to our children. After all we have been there and worn the t-shirt etc.

However, I think as cory says, no matter how much it hurts you, your main objective must be to keep her coming to you so that she does not have to edit what is said so that it doesn't upset you.

It's very hard, but good luck x

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 17/06/2013 10:25

Also remember how protective you were about your boyfriends at such a young age........I certainly was!

Lweji · 17/06/2013 10:27

As a lesson for the future, I think you should try less to tell her what to do or how to feel, or tell her how you feel, but ask her how she feels and go on from there.

elinorbellowed · 17/06/2013 10:33

On my 24th birthday my boyfriend was working away and didn't call or send a card. I was very unhappy about this and considering the future of the relationship. On his return a week later he gave me a camera, the most expensive and thoughtful gift I have ever been given. Fourteen years later we're still together. And not engaged.

mistlethrush · 17/06/2013 10:34

If I want a birthday present from DH I have to be quite specific (or even, for a special birthday, lead him to a shop where I had chosen what he was going to get for me, several weeks after the event). He's just crap with this sort of thing - and most of the time neither of us are bothered about specific gifts etc - booking a family holiday is often what we do instead of Christmas presents for example... However we've been married over 15 years now - this is not something that is remotely important for either of us in contrast to lots of other things in the marriage.

Flip

1 2