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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex-please give me an honest answer to how often

63 replies

Drunkendiva1 · 15/06/2013 00:34

Please excuse me if I sound jumbled as am quite upset & confused, I have created a new profile as I deleted my last one due to issue with 'D'H & reading my threads.

Please tell me HONESTLY how often you have sex & as a female how often you instigate this as I dont do it often & have now been made to feel like like a 'dried up old person' & basically like a cock tease.

Like I said I'm very sorry if I don't make sense, if you need clarification please ask & i'll try to answer-fuck this is not me, I know i'm stronger/better than this-please help me.

OP posts:
Justfornowitwilldo · 15/06/2013 01:11

A three year old and a 20 month old and he's not figured out you're tired? You might love him but he's not the sharpest crayon in the box is he Grin

Once you are getting some rest I'm sure thins will fall into place. If he's as full on as you say, I think you instigating sex will probably be as complicated as, 'Sex?'

Original poster
Drunkendiva1 · 15/06/2013 01:12

Thanks just I absolutely need sleep-so confused & really hoping this isn't the end of my marriage...

OP posts:
Original poster
Drunkendiva1 · 15/06/2013 01:14

& also reggie

OP posts:
reggiebean · 15/06/2013 01:16

Agreed. If he's anything like my DP, the instigation part is the easiest bit. When you're lying in bed, just sort of back yourself into him (sorry, this sounds awkward but don't know how else to describe!) and sort if nudge him with your bum. He'll get the hint.

reggiebean · 15/06/2013 01:19

Drunken it doesn't have to be. With two kids, at the end of the week, you're both likely to be exhausted. Get some rest, see how you feel in the morning Wink Wink and have an honest chat with him over breakfast. I'm sure it will all work out xx

Justfornowitwilldo · 15/06/2013 01:19

Sleep. Then discuss. Then sleep more.

It might be worth you going for an overnight at a friend's or your parents and leaving him at home with your DC to give him a reminder of how tiring (though obviously lovely) they are.

Rulesgirl · 15/06/2013 01:23

Well its lovely that he wants to make love with you all the time isn't it. He obviously still finds you sexy and is turned on by you. Your tired and you need to go to sleep. He is just pissed off that he didn't get his promised sex and was looking forward to it as his treat. Tell him that you love him and that he is the sexiest man alive and that your just tired and tomorrow you will have a talk and work out more of a better sex pattern that you both can stick to.

Original poster
Drunkendiva1 · 15/06/2013 01:25

Thanks for the advice lovely ladies, bits to think on & you have at least stopped the crying-off to get the maltesers...makes everything better.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/06/2013 05:06

I'm appalled that you're being put under so much pressure and being insulted and treated this way. It's also very unpleasant the way he expresses himself..... not loving, caring or respectful at all and not in the least bit attractive. This is not the time to reproach yourself or cry but to turn this right back on your DH and tell him he needs to stop pulling the emotional blackmail, stop trying to coerce you, stop acting and talking like an entitled pig and do much, much more to make your life less tiring, less stressful and make you more relaxed. I'm not surprised you don't instigate sex... he sounds horrible.

differentnameforthis · 15/06/2013 05:27

How often other people have sex is not really the point op... comparing yourselves to them is not going to help, because we are all different. So if someone is having sex 10 times a week, you are going to think yourself odd for not reaching that number.

Talk to your dh, the weekend is here so tell him that you need some extra sleep/a walk by yourself, a long bath etc & relax. I have a 9 & 4 yr old & I am knackered a lot of time too, so sod having 2 under 4. :)

I hope he does his fair share around the house, because if not, you are only going to be more knackered.

Yes talk to him, tell him that you still love him, find him attractive & are flattered that he still finds you sexy/attractive etc. Work on a compromise. But don't ever do what you don't want to do.

And tell him to lay off with the names! No one likes a sulker, and does he think that his behaviour (when he is calling names etc) makes you feel anything else expect like a fuck toy for him.

Tell him foreplay starts well before the nudity!

differentnameforthis · 15/06/2013 05:28

I'm appalled that you're being put under so much pressure and being insulted and treated this way. It's also very unpleasant the way he expresses himself..... not loving, caring or respectful at all and not in the least bit attractive. This is not the time to reproach yourself or cry but to turn this right back on your DH and tell him he needs to stop pulling the emotional blackmail, stop trying to coerce you, stop acting and talking like an entitled pig and do much, much more to make your life less tiring, less stressful and make you more relaxed. I'm not surprised you don't instigate sex... he sounds horrible.

And that ^^, exactly THAT!

nooka · 15/06/2013 05:30

I always think it is a pity that men don't have the same sort of opportunities to talk to other dads that mums do, because this is such a common problem. Women often take a long time to get their sex drive back after starting a family, and many guys feel very rejected and it can become a real problem.

I was exactly the same when my two were small, I felt exhausted and generally put upon, and when dh made overtures I felt it was just another demand on me and my body, and whereas I couldn't say no to the children I could say no to him. So I did. And he got very upset. So I rejected him more because it felt easier not to go there at all. So he got more upset. We got more distant etc etc

the irony is that several years later when I hit my late 30s my sex drive got much higher than his and it was my turn to be rejected. And I can tell you that it is really genuinely very hard to feel spurned. Even when the reasons are good.

For us the key has been talking about it (which we didn't earlier but do now). Make sure your dh knows you love and desire him. Think about whether there are lower effort ways to be intimate and how you can feel safe doing so (I tended to avoid cuddles etc for fear he would get horny and I would have to say no). Plus most importantly address the reason why you are so tired. Fix that and you'd probably be much more keen on sex.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/06/2013 05:37

It may be genuinely very hard to feel spurned but did you go on the offensive nooka? Bully and coerce your DH into sex? Call him names and bring him to the point of tears thinking the marriage is over? The OP is being subjected to appalling behaviour. He needs to straighten out his bullyboy attitude first, apologise for being such a shit, then maybe they can start rebuilding the affection.

nooka · 15/06/2013 06:27

No I was loving and patient Cogito, but then as I had been in the opposite position not that long ago it wasn't hard to empathise, despite finding it frustrating and upsetting at times. Whereas my dh genuinely felt that I didn't love or care about him (and also got upset when I was in the mood because he felt that I was taking advantage of him). I just think the whole adjusting to parenthood, slog of looking after small children is bloody hard all round, and if as a dad you don't know any other dads in the same position (or don't talk to them about stuff that matter) then it can feel very personal.

Also I can't see anything that the OP has said that suggests her dh is behaving in an appalling manner, apart from saying she is like a dried up old person, which granted isn't very nice. On the other hand she's also not said he is taking on his fair share and being supportive (not a complaint I could have made towards my own dh mind as he was very hands on).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/06/2013 06:46

She's sobbing. She thinks the marriage is over. She's been called a 'dried up old person' (and it's only a guess but I'd say that was not the only thing she'd been called). She's starting to think she should give in and have sex against her will.....

... all of that is appalling.

Original poster
Drunkendiva1 · 15/06/2013 07:01

Morning, feel crap so unsure if I have the energy or the inclination to discuss it with him today tbh.

He does do things to help me but I do most of the house & kids things due the fact he works 50+ hours a week & I only do 18 so i'm at home more. He is happy to have the kids so I can go out, have a bath etc, he says I need to go to bed earlier but to do that I'd be going not longer after DC which I just don't want to do as I like to have a bit of time in the day which is just mine iyswim.

Thanks for your input nooka it's something for me to keep in mind.

OP posts:
nooka · 15/06/2013 07:10

Can you get any extra help diva? It sounds as if perhaps both of you are having a bit of a stressful time with work, parenthood etc, and you in particular need a bit of time just for yourself (I well remember that feeling!) Would your dh be open to having some counseling together perhaps? For us it was really about poor communication, and I really really wish we had been able to talk about things long long before we did, and maybe we could have resolved them without so much pain. Before children we weren't rampant, but we did enjoy just spending time together, and I that part of our lives just slipped away for a good few years (the children got lots of love and attention, it was just diverted from each other).

Original poster
Drunkendiva1 · 15/06/2013 07:13

Yes I think counselling may be the way to go, I thought this last night.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/06/2013 07:24

If he wants it that badly why not wait for the morning, then.
My ex was a sex pest and it turned me right off.
I confirmed i had a sex drive with someone else.

If you need rest, why doesn't he pay for a cleaner, or the occasional babysitter? Or work less hours?

The way he's making you feel is right out of order. He must understand this.
You can't bully people into wanting to have sex with you!

And it doesn't seem like this is the only issue, if he's reading your MN posts.

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/06/2013 07:37

I have a really high sex drive but if dp was treating the issue so disrespectfuly i wouldn't want to touch him with a barge pole...

Counselling is a good idea

Helltotheno · 15/06/2013 09:32

in his words he wants to 'fuck me all the time'

Tell you what OP, what about fucking him off instead because the way I read it, he's a sex pest and an arse. You're not a fuck toy. This is not the way normal nice people behave. Don't allow him to put all this at your door, all he's doing is trying to make you feel bad about yourself. That's all him, not you.

KatieScarlett2833 · 15/06/2013 11:00

Practically never due to teenagers with zero personal space boundaries which we both find somewhat inhibiting Smile
Still we are off on holiday in a few weeks with lockable cabin doors.....

EdvardMonsterMunch · 15/06/2013 11:07

What contraception are you using ?

Clutching at straws but when i was on Implanton (implant) i had zero sex drive......came off it and within 2 months was back in the saddle!

Never met your DH so can't comment on whether he's a sex pest, tosser or insensitive.

GingerJulep · 15/06/2013 17:19

If you're a morning person (and he is currently a deprived person) then initiate in the mornings... he is unlikely to say no so you get to have EXACTLY what you want :-)

It is great that he finds you so attractive after two kids and with the amount he is working.

It is great that you want to make this work.

If you're worried about how to start initiating sex don't be. Instead initiate a kiss, snog, cuddle or whatever and simply don't stop. And if he does pull him back (gently!).

You've done it perfectly well at least twice ;-)

It'll come back to you both.

Shodan · 15/06/2013 17:54

DH and I take a long-term view on this- we're both knackered a lot of the time, plus we have perimenopausal symptoms (mine) and ED issues (his Grin) working against us. Half the time (ok, most of the time) it just doesn't cross my radar, physically, but I do keep it in mind that it's been weeks (yes, weeks, not days) since we DTD and reassure him that it's not him, it's me feeling bleugh. We talk about it a far deal and assure each other that things will improve in a while.

Also- when DS2 was at the ages your two are, I felt touched out by the end of the day and just wanted my body to myself. Possibly you feel the same?

I have to say though, if DH had been anything less than understanding and reassuring I would be turned off permanently, I think.

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