Hi MN,
I saw a thread on AIBU with quite a similar situation. I started typing but then I thought it was too much for AIBU, and is clearly upsetting me more than I thought. I'm an occasional poster/regular lurker with a namechange. I have a bit of resentment bubbling inside of me so am looking for some wisdom. I've just read through my message and it's incredibly long and garbled, so I'm not expecting many people to read it! I will post it anyway. Cheap therapy.
I grew up in a very poor family and rarely had nice clothes, expensive things, holidays etc. My mum was a single parent (apart from a 6 year marriage to an absolute cunt, when things were no better financially), she has always been on a low wage, but pretty much always worked. I don't ever remember a time when we were comfortably off, there was always financial stress. She always found money (or debt) to buy my brother designer clothes or the latest computer console Even when I was still at primary school I could see she was spending a lot of money that she didn't have and wondered why the hell she did it, and worried about it. But I didn't ever get the same sort of treats. I remember once begging for a bag for school, I never got particularly fancy birthday presents... It sounds so petty now but it was really hurtful when I was little!
I remember one winter when I was doing my A levels and she and my stepdad went apeshit because I took 20 quid that I mistakenly thought they had left for me to buy some jumpers, I didn't have any and it was freezing. But the money wasn't for me, I didn't spend it as it happened as I couldn't find anything, so gave it back straight away, but the whole episode made me feel so guilty and ashamed and hate myself, and even now it makes me feel awful.
I desperately tried to find a job as soon as it was legal but had no luck at all. I took a year out before uni and my mum screamed at me several times for being at home and not getting a job, but it wasn't for lack of trying. My family sorted out jobs for my brothers by contacting people they know, or sorting them out with junior roles where they worked, but they didn't do this for me, even though I asked repeatedly.
When I was at uni I was really careful with money, it was my first time living away from home and I knew I didn't have a rich family to bail me out, so I was careful. Had a great time, but lived within a strict budget. One time, near the end of my second year, my mum called me up to say she hadn't been paid so she couldn't pay the mortgage. Having coped without one to that point, I ended up arranging a student overdraft of £1200 to bail her out - my elderly grandparents lived in the house too and I couldn't bear the thought of what might happen, so I felt it was my duty. However, my mum made no attempt to pursue the money her employer owed her, and once she got back on her feet she made no attempt to pay me back as she agreed. That summer I worked hundreds of hours in a kitchen to clear the overdraft and try to get in some sort of decent financial shape before my next year of study, I couldn't afford an outfit for my graduation so had to borrow old tatty clothes and shoes that didn't even fit me... she watched me do all this and didn't attempt to pay a penny back. I moved back home with a maxed out overdraft and started searching for a job. I found out mum spent a £100 on a piece of garden furniture which would be used maximum once per year. I blew my top and had a massive row with her and my brother, which ended up with them saying to me "You think you are so perfect"! Just because I am not shit with money.
So, although I try not to be materialistic as a grown up, these silly thing happening to me as a child and young adult made me feel both unloved and taken advantage of. It made me totally paranoid and desperate to save and be financially independent as an adult. I was a bit anal about it when I first graduated (cleared my £1800 ovedraft by Christmas on my £6 an hour wage eating nothing but cheese sandwiches), but I have relaxed a bit. I run a car, spend a fair bit on a hobby, buy clothes now and again and occasionally go on holiday. I feel like I got to where I am off my own back. I took myself off to uni when no one in my family had gone before, I worked in the shittiest admin roles once I graduated and cleared my overdrafts, then I gradually got slightly better jobs and ended up in my current one, which I really like and pays reasonably well. I am putting money in a pension, and try to save a good chunk of my salary every month.
So, I enjoy myself and have the occasional treat, but I live within my means. All my clothes are from New Look, all my makeup from Superdrug, my holidays are nothing extravagant and maximum once a year, I don't smoke or drink or go out lots, I get my hair cut less than once a year. I am still saving to buy a house and have about 10% of a deposit, so still have a long way to go. I am 30 and scared to even entertain the idea of having children because I don't think I can afford it and no way do I want a child of mine to go through financial strain like I did.
My family knows I have money put away, and is constantly asking for handouts.
A few years ago a relative asked me to lend her a grand (!), I said no, partly because I didn't have that cash apart from in my ISA, which I never touch on principle - once you start spending it you don't stop. So she said "Can't you just take it out of your savings?" I felt so on the spot that I got an overdraft (albeit interest free) to bail her out. Obviously she didn't pay me back in a month as promised, ended up paying in paltry instalments and cleared the debt five years later. And then yesterday she asked me for another fifty quid! I honestly don't know where her money goes, she has no car, no kids, no costs apart from a small mortgage, bills and food (not even transport), she earns a decent wage.... I honestly don't know where her money goes.
My mum also continues to be irresponsible. We live together. She got some building work done without having the money to pay it, so just didn't pay. My grandmother sadly passed away and my mum just didn't pay the funeral bill, not even a bit at a time. I ended up paying both these bills on interest free credit cards and paying them off gradually myself. She too asked me for fifty quid yesterday (I wonder if she was collaborating with the other relative!). I don't mind paying my way - we live together, I pay her some rent money, I do the food shopping a couple of times a month, I have done some decorating and paid for renovations, I'm the only driver so cover petrol, do the food shop run etc, occasionally pay some bills... I wondered if I should pay more but I know she is only paying interest only on the mortgage and won't pay any more if I gave her more, and I resent giving her money to fritter away on god knows what. Especially when growing up I had quite a shit time of it, I'm still not over it.
I could move out but she wouldn't want me to, partly because she doesn't want to lose my financial contribution (we get on well most of the time and don't mind living together!). I can't afford my own place and I'd rather help my mum out than rent.
Gah I don't even know what my question is. Or if I even have a question! I think it's just my head exploding on a Friday night when I am home alone because I feel guilty going out when I've had £500 of car bills this month so I can only save about £300, yet other people are out on the town seemingly subsidised by me. What a mug.