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Original poster

If you don't have contact with your family do you still go to funerals?

27 replies

schooldidi · 14/06/2013 14:20

Fil's wife has just died. Dp hasn't seen or spoken to his dad for 6 years, and for years before that it was just one visit a year for about an hour or so around Christmas. There was never a major falling out, neither of them particularly made an effort to see each other and they drifted apart to the level of polite strangers really. I do know that dp is rather hurt that fil has always made a lot of effort to see his wife's dcs and dgcs on a regular basis but has never even met his own grandaughter.

His dad didn't tell dp about his wife dying, we didn't even know she was ill, dp's aunt texted him because she thought he should be kept informed.

Dp doesn't know whether or not to go to the funeral, or even whether we would be welcome (I also don't know if I will be allowed time off to go to a funeral if it's not close family). What do you think?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/06/2013 14:23

I think that attending a funeral is to pay your respects to someone you knew and loved and to support their partner/children etc. As your DH wouldnt fulfill either of those things, I dont see that he should go.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/06/2013 14:25

I didn't go to my gran's funeral. She didn't bother with me... I didn't see the need to (literally) stand on ceremony for her. If his DF wanted moral or emotional support he'd have asked, surely?

DeckSwabber · 14/06/2013 14:44

You and/or your partner should go if you want to.

Personally, I would, because I think it is sad when families drift apart, and it takes two to let that happen.

Why hasn't your daughter met her grandfather? Has he been invited? Have you offered to visit and been turned down? Or are you all waiting for each other to show an interest?

Helltotheno · 14/06/2013 14:55

I think a lot of people don't quite understand the need people have to cut contact with family members and that there are usually very good reasons for it. People who don't come from dysfunctional families or who are not the target of a dysfunctional person in their own family have a lot of difficulty understanding this and are apt to play the happy families card more I find.

OP not much help but there's no 'should' here. You need to do the thing that sits best with both of you. You could always just go, pay your respects and leave straight afterwards. But equally, there's no obligation since they haven't factored you into their lives and he hasn't shown interest in his GC etc. In your shoes, I probably wouldn't tbh.

chocolatebee · 14/06/2013 15:35

I cut contact with my family 6 years ago.

3 people has died. (aunt, uncle and gran) I've not went to any funeral.

I never saw the point in going to any and never wanted to casuse further rows in the family.

DeckSwabber · 14/06/2013 15:58

Please don't make assumptions about anyone's families. I have a difficult relationship with mine, which makes me sensitive to it.

The OP said there was no great falling out.

Going to a funeral is one way of saying 'I am here, the door is open'.

Not going to a funeral can be seen as a slight.

As I said, its up to the OP and her partner.

4merlyknownasSHD · 14/06/2013 16:15

If you are all from long lines of single children, then I can't see the point of going, but if his granddaughter, your daughter, grows up without knowing cousins or second cousins, when in other circumstances she might have, then I would go to try to establish connections for her sake. As Deckswabber says, it usually takes two to let it happen, but even if your partnet was not to blame in anyway, neither was your daughter.

Original poster
schooldidi · 14/06/2013 17:57

Thanks for all the opinions. Like I said, we've not fallen out, there's no ill feeling but no particular good feeling either.
Dd hasn't met him because he hasn't responded to any of the invitations we have extended. When I was pg dp phoned any number of times and left countless messages but his dad did not reply. When she was born again dp phoned a load of times, they sent a card but no phone call and no mention of our invitation to come and meet us (I haven't met them either), we offered to go to them if it was easier, we only live 20 mins away.

OP posts:
Original poster
schooldidi · 14/06/2013 17:59

We do see other members of the family. Dp is an only child but has lots of cousins we see reasonably often.

OP posts:
cleopatrasasp · 14/06/2013 19:26

Well he sounds like a dead loss so, no, I definitely wouldn't go to his wife's funeral as I wouldn't be interested in pursuing a relationship with someone who simply can't be bothered with his child or grandchild. It's really weird behaviour not to respond to messages in that way and there's no real excuse for it. Unfortunately for him, actions (or the lack of them) have consequences. He made his bed with his wife's family so now he can rely on them for any support he needs.

MsLadyLove · 14/06/2013 19:28

Hadnt seen my dad or grandad for years but when grandad died i went to the funeral. Just be prepared for awkward convos and false promises

Original poster
schooldidi · 14/06/2013 21:47

Dp is now thinking that he should go, even if he doesn't particularly want to. He feels like it would be rude not to, even though we haven't actually been invited.

I don't want to. I've never met the woman, so she may well have been perfectly lovely I'd feel like a hypocrite going to her funeral when I don't know her. I'm going to have to practically beg my boss for the day off as well because we're only normally allowed time off for funerals of close relatives and I don't have any annual leave to take.

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 14/06/2013 22:05

Was the drift in any way related or coincident with your FIL getting together with his wife?

Has the aunt who texted him got any opinion on the funeral or on their drifted relationship? Or do other members of the family who you are in touch with?

MerlotSchmerlot · 14/06/2013 22:20

My DH lost touch with his Dad in similar circumstances, OP.

No particular falling out but his Dad has made it clear he's not interested in his sons or their children. We get a Christmas card and that's it. He also lives twenty minutes away.

We definitely wouldn't go to his wife's funeral. It would just be weird and we'd feel we were intruding on her family's grief. I'm pretty sure no-one would expect us to go.

Original poster
schooldidi · 14/06/2013 22:33

That's what I think Merlot. Her family surely wouldn't want us to intrude on their grief with a family reunion between reluctant father and son. I don't want to meet my fil in those circumstances. I'd love to meet him, but not at his wife's funeral, it doesn't seem like the right time and place.

Waffly no I don't think it was in any way related to fil and his wife getting together. They had dwindled to just seeing each other for an hour around Christmas a few years before I met dp, but it was always dp who made the effort to go and see his dad and they weren't always in even when he went (despite only seeing him once a year and agreeing a mutually agreeable time). Dp hasn't asked anyone their opinion about whether to go to the funeral and I don't really want to intrude on his dealings with his extended family, it's not my place. I offer him advice but I'm not going to start talking to his aunts and cousins when he's perfectly capable of doing that himself.

OP posts:
chelsbells · 14/06/2013 22:34

Glad to have seen this thread.

Had a falling out with one side of my family last year and not we haven't bothered with each other since. This week my grandfather passed away from long term cancer, I spoke to him and made peace with him a couple of days before he passed but have made the decision to not attend the funeral next week - mainly because I have no involvement with the rest of the family and don't want to be made to feel bad for what's happened in the past, have instead decided I will go and visit the grave in the upcoming weeks. If I were to go, I can imagine a fuss kicking off and that's not fair on anyone.

Each family situation is different but no-one should feel pressured to go to a funeral, just because they are 'family'

DeckSwabber · 15/06/2013 10:13

I suppose you could ask the dad if he'd like DP to come, or would he like him to come and see a week or so after the funeral?

Original poster
schooldidi · 15/06/2013 10:58

That would be a great solution if he will answer the phone or respond to messages. Based on past experience I'm not convinced he will.

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 15/06/2013 11:03

I would t attend personally. If you don't know the deceased you go to support the other family. If FIL not reached out in all this time, especially when a granddaughter has been born, then he obviously not too bothered about what his son and family can bring to his life nor he theirs!

Madamecastafiore · 15/06/2013 11:04

That's wouldn't!

Original poster
schooldidi · 19/06/2013 15:09

Apparently we're going. Dp spoke to the aunt who contacted him in the first place, and she is organising the funeral and wants us there if possible. So now I have to grovel to my boss to get time off for a funeral I don't want to go to :(

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 19/06/2013 17:54

No, you don't have to go. Just tell the truth; you couldn't get time off work and had no holiday left. DP doesn't have to stay long without you. He can just go to the service and come away, or go for a very short time to the wake. There's really no need for you to go.

CrapBag · 19/06/2013 18:03

Personally I wouldn't go. His dad sounds like a waste of space, not responding to any messages about meeting his own DGC who lives 20 minutes away!

It doesn't matter if the aunt wants you to go, it isn't her choice. Family means fuck all half the time.

springytat · 19/06/2013 23:46

Your poor DP! Sad

I don't know if he's able to face it, but this is just horrible from his own father. And he's an only child! Sad

Who knows what on earth has gone on here, but your DP can't be accused of not trying his best. It sounds to me that your fil isn't interested [sad and baffled]

I wouldn't want to go to the funeral at all. It may be that for your dp to go would be just another smack in the face from his father. BUT if he wants to go, then perhaps you need to be there to support him with the inevitable rejection.

Poor guy Sad

Original poster
schooldidi · 20/06/2013 17:47

We are going. Dp wants to go. I spoke to my boss today and he's ok with me taking the day for the funeral. I'll have to get all my work done anyway, I'll just be doing more of it at home.

OP posts: