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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need your help - DH doesn't see there's a problem

125 replies

NeatSoda · 13/06/2013 19:35

Just feeling so helpless. My feelings for my DH are very conflicted: I love him but I am on my knees with wanting him to take some responsibility for his life/our lives.

Basically, I make all the decisions, take all the responsibility, make all the plans and do all the 'moving forward' in our family. This isn't really about money - he has inherited some income from before we met - but about almost everything else. He's a stay at home dad and I'm off putting in the hours working. I love what I do and this is a decision that we made so we could have someone at home for the DC and to look after our investments.

However, he just abdicates every decision to me. Every awkward or challenging conversation with banks/lawyers/insurers/accountants either waits for me or simply NEVER gets done. We borrowed £70K for a project he was going to do last summer, it still hasn't been done but we've been burning through it on repayments. Today he told me he still hasn't called the accountant to go through the business plan.

It's not just the big stuff though - it's everything. It took six months of me asking for him to take the dog to the vet. OK, I didn't badger him but why should I have to? The DCs dentist trip was the same. I can't make the appointment - he needs to so he knows when he can take them. I do make appointments for eg tradespeople to come to the house.

We have a cleaner three days a week. I do all the cooking. I've asked him just to do 40mins housework a day sorting clothes/putting on laundry - he won't.

I spoke to him at the weekend about all of this, and how I feel dumped on, but over the (10) years we've spoken about it loads. I thought he'd hoisted something in but,no, when I asked him today if he'd followed up X phone call or Y email he hadn't. I asked him to sleep in another room tonight. I'm just gutted.

OP posts:
Selba · 13/06/2013 22:31

Anyfucker that was harsh bordering on cruel.

And I agree with every word.

Original poster
NeatSoda · 13/06/2013 22:32

I know it's hard to see why I am in love with him but he can be very engaging and witty, patient with DCs and is often generous. He'd think nothing of telling me to get a cab if I was tired when he'd rarely splurg on one for himself.

He just won't DO things.

OP posts:
ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 13/06/2013 22:33

You don't want to change anything about your set up - you just want him to change and that's not going to happen - so I'm afraid it's put up and shut up time.

Shakey1500 · 13/06/2013 22:35

He'll say you can get a cab.

Marvellous.

You are beginning to excuse his behaviour. Fine, put up with it. No-one is going to tell you how to improve things because it really isn't possible. At all. I really hope that the next generation doesn't think that Mum does absolutely everything and Dad lives the life of bloody Riley.

Selba · 13/06/2013 22:35

He's not going to change.
Is this right - you work and earn an income but in some capacity he brings in money too?

If that's the case, I think the exotic pet suggestion is as good as it gets.

It's beyond me thought why you would continue to love such a lazy man

Selba · 13/06/2013 22:37

I do totally get the thing about you can't split because he would get the kids and the house , as he would be seen as the main carer if push came to shove.

I've been in that situation. Very unsettling and I sympathise.

foolonthehill · 13/06/2013 22:37

when someone shows you who they are...believe them

you can'[t change someone else, you can only change yourself.

Two oft quoted MN maxims...and true ones.

Selba · 13/06/2013 22:38

THOUGH not thought

takeaway2 · 13/06/2013 22:38

Why is telling you to get a cab generous? It's your money isn't it? Plus isn't it nicer and more effort full if he actually made the effort to go pick you up so you need not get a cab?

Vegehamwidge · 13/06/2013 22:39

He is a stay at home twat GrinNettle

I'm sorry OP, but as an outsider who don't know his charm, he just sounds like a leech. He knows that you want and need him to act like an ordinary grown-up (not a prince) but he won't.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2013 22:39

OP, reread my post and you should get that my use of "you" did not mean "you personally"

I mean that women who do everything while a bloke sits on their arse and looks pained at the thought of removing their thumb from it do their dc's no favours at all

the original fault lies with the lazy bloke of course...but you (generic "you") don't have to tolerate it, you really don't

happyon · 13/06/2013 22:42

No you don't have to put up with it and if you try to, you will get more and more stressed and resentful. Not good for you or your dc, especially as he is IN THE WRONG.

Original poster
NeatSoda · 13/06/2013 22:45

I've given my reasons for loving DH, and haven't even included 'we've had two lovely DCs and 10yrs of memories together' - I'm not making excuses for him or me. Not everything in our relationship is about getting stuff done, but the stuff that is is really getting me down.

Just as so many of you are shocked that I could love someone like this, I am a bit surprised that a break up seems so essential to some posters. (Even, that a breakup is the only responsible thing to do.)

I'm looking for advice as to how to improve things. Obviously, my marriage/life/family set up is a big deal to me so I'm a bit reluctant to accept 'put up or shut up' when there might be other things to explore. There might not be, of course.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/06/2013 22:48

You could lower your expectations, of course

Accept less, become less, want less for your children

It's an option. I don't recommend it though

foolonthehill · 13/06/2013 22:50

The trouble is that in order to improve things he has to want to change...or you have to want to change, or both.

Given that you have, told him, asked him, organised him and generally used all your considerable communications skills with him to explain what you hope he might do and he has not done it...you only have the option to change yourself...to manage the work load differently somehow, to reduce your expectations of him and to allow yourself enough time at home to deal with the things that need to be done.

It's maybe not the choice others would make, but it's your life and only You can live it. The thing is, there is no magic wand that is going to make him change if he doesn't want to.

I wish there was.....it would be put to good use by so many of us!

ExcuseTypos · 13/06/2013 22:52

You work full time, he sits on his arse all day, yet you wait for him to give you permission to get a cab ConfusedConfused

I really don't think that is a "good point" or generous or kind.

It all sounds rather controlling to me.
He controls you bothy doing nothing. He knows you will do it all and he sits back and watches you work/run the house/finances/arrangements for dc.

happyon · 13/06/2013 22:52

The only way to improve things is if he changes. You must know he won't? I'm afraid you're looking for advice that does not exist. There is nothing anyone can say to you that will make it ok. He's the only one who can do that and he won't. You need to accept that.

ExcuseTypos · 13/06/2013 22:54

You've tried numerous strategies already.

I don't think he wants to change. Therefore the only options are accept how he is or leave.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2013 22:56

the title of the thread says it all

"DH doesn't think there is a problem"

therein lies the issue

newbiefrugalgal · 13/06/2013 22:57

You work full time, he brings home the most money.

Is it worth you even working full time? Do you resent his extra time with the children?
Can you go part time?

onefewernow · 13/06/2013 22:59

Too right. If he acknowledes the problem you can work on it together, or he can. So depression. Or anything else, it boils down to this.

Worse, he doesn't care that it is a problem for you. Because it isn't for him.

So, he doesn't do it because he doesn't want to. That's it.

claudedebussy · 13/06/2013 23:05

ok then, you gotta outsource the domestic stuff he won't do so that you're at least not run ragged on that score.

buy all inclusive holidays so that it's a no-brainer to book them.

start spending his money to make your life easier.

justgivemeareason · 13/06/2013 23:08

Surely it is up to you whether or not you get a cab. It is not generous of someone to suggest that to you! That's the last act of kindness I would need from anyone.

I know someone who was a SAHD. That's what everyone thought. Really he didn't want to work for a living and was more than happy for his wife to bring in the money but didn't like it when she came home late and exhausted after a long working day because he had to 'look after' the children even longer.

onefewernow · 13/06/2013 23:12

I have spent some time on MN re infidelity.

But most of the basic problems came down to this sort of thing ie him not taking responsibility.

It goes like this:

He doesn't take responsibility apart from working
I do all the rest
I get tired and stressed
I complain
Repeat
He feels miserable but unwilling
He starts online sex or an affair and lie about it

In not saying that's inevitable but they do end up hating themselves. resisting what they see as control, and then finding other ways to repair their self esteem.

The only way round this is to state what you want, no more than 3 times, then effect some consequences.

Leave if necessary. They are not babies.

And then they shift ( or they never would have done anyway).

Dahlen · 13/06/2013 23:23

Ok, he sounds over-privileged rather than a cock-lodger (though from your POV the effect is the same Sad).

However, from personal observation I have learned that the cock-lodger is a selfish, over-entitled twat, whereas the over-privileged [may also be a selfish, over-entitled twat but] is usually just ignorant and can be re-educated.

The trouble is that he hasn't had to experience the consequences of his behaviour. If you want him to change, that's what you have to make him go through. That may well involve a temporary separation (even if you have no intention of leaving him for good) simply so that it hits home and things like not paying bills or responding to letters hit him hard. Only then will he understand how vital your role is and accept that he has to do more if it's going to be an equal relationship. Remind him that children grow up and leave home. When a partner doesn't it usually follows that they get left.