I need your help - DH doesn't see there's a problem

[NeatSoda]

Just feeling so helpless. My feelings for my DH are very conflicted: I love him but I am on my knees with wanting him to take some responsibility for his life/our lives.

Basically, I make all the decisions, take all the responsibility, make all the plans and do all the 'moving forward' in our family. This isn't really about money - he has inherited some income from before we met - but about almost everything else. He's a stay at home dad and I'm off putting in the hours working. I love what I do and this is a decision that we made so we could have someone at home for the DC and to look after our investments.

However, he just abdicates every decision to me. Every awkward or challenging conversation with banks/lawyers/insurers/accountants either waits for me or simply NEVER gets done. We borrowed £70K for a project he was going to do last summer, it still hasn't been done but we've been burning through it on repayments. Today he told me he still hasn't called the accountant to go through the business plan.

It's not just the big stuff though - it's everything. It took six months of me asking for him to take the dog to the vet. OK, I didn't badger him but why should I have to? The DCs dentist trip was the same. I can't make the appointment - he needs to so he knows when he can take them. I do make appointments for eg tradespeople to come to the house.

We have a cleaner three days a week. I do all the cooking. I've asked him just to do 40mins housework a day sorting clothes/putting on laundry - he won't.

I spoke to him at the weekend about all of this, and how I feel dumped on, but over the (10) years we've spoken about it loads. I thought he'd hoisted something in but,no, when I asked him today if he'd followed up X phone call or Y email he hadn't. I asked him to sleep in another room tonight. I'm just gutted.

You still fancy this guy ?

Seriously ?

he makes my juices dry up at the thought of him

And keep in mind that the children probably will act the same, so you will end up running after 3 entitled people in your home - if you are happy to provide and care for them all into adulthood, carry on. They will see him doing nothing, so why should they start to take responsibility? You can't expect them to, if he treats you with such disrespect.

cross post with MAHC

I can't see how he'd keep the children in the event of a split, despite being the SAHP. He couldn't really care for them on his own. It sounds like a dreadful betrayal, OP, but I think I'd talk to a solicitor to see what your options are - doesn't have to go any further than that, but rather than just assume the children would stay with him, I'd see if there are other options.

Btw, my DH finds phone calls very difficult as well - they frighten him and he struggles to be able to deal with questions when he can't see the person asking. So where possible I will work around that. But it's not like this guy has areas of strength and others of weakness - he just does fuck all.

'Is it really SO impossible he'll change?'

Yes.

You already know that he's taking the piss and that he isn't going to change, because he knows you don't want to upset the applecart.

How would he react if you told him that you were thinking of giving up your job , using the rationale he applies to everything else- 'it's only money, who cares? '; as he isn't pulling his weight in the household, he can take over with earning and you'll do what needs doing with the family.

You can't do it all - it's worse than if he wasn't there, because he's creating work and expense as well as not pulling his weight.

I don't know how you turn it around. If I was living with someone who had so little respect for me that he'd happily watch me work myself into the ground because he couldn't be arsed making any contribution whatsoever to family life, I'd divorce him.

House in family trust so won't be divided up so although the benefit of it would be a factor, it wouldn't ever be mine. Children in local school and hefted to this house. I work, he doesn't and I'm sure he'd get them

I have actually wondered about him having an affair. He's not having one though. I'd know because he'd wear clean clothes.

And it would seem that he isn't actually a SAHD is he? He isn't being a dad? He is a stay at home twat who occasionally drops children at a CM. seems you still actually do a lot of the day to day looking after, even if you are FT at work.

Neatsoda, you posted a really helpful comment on my wallpaper thread, so thank you. Have you ever suggested a trial separation? It sounds like he will need a massive shock to buck him into action. Your life is worth more than this.

So family trust. For kids. And for them to stay in with whoever actually looks after them I think you could argue.

Oh dear OP. You sound like my MiL. She also married a "lovely" man who has sponges off her for decades. But she's also made some v stupid decisions, biting off her nose to spite her face. So has ended up in worse situation, with no impact on her husband at all.

Can you find yourself a therapist? Someone to tall this through with, find out what you want.

If you're married, then the assets belong to both of you.

You need to speak to a solicitor to establish exactly what you're entitled to. And then I think you need to speak to your husband and explain that it's come to this.

This sounds like such horrible OP, it is such a burden having to make decisions/make stuff happen all the time.

I think you should put down an ultimatum that he will have to go out to work so you can pay someone to look after your DCs as you will be able to ask them to organise dentists/appointments etc and they WILL do it because you are paying them.

Surely the threat of his cushy lifestyle being pulled from under him would motivate him to actually do stuff. Presumably you can organise the finances as the main bread winner to make his life very difficult if he doesn't start pulling his weight?

such a horrible situation

Nettle, it's not that he does absolutely nothing, he just does not much. He does do stuff related to school (pack lunches, helping DC with numbers etc.). He just will not

A) Make plans (short/medium/long) - including playdates for DC, vet/dentist/holiday, meal plan, pension, dinner with friends, order oil/Car Insurance etc
B) Do anything that might be a hassle - I have to beg to go on holiday or have people for dinner
C) Deal with the investments projects we already have (fix roof, speak to accountant)
D) Acknowledge polite social norms - why write thank you letters/wear clean hole-free clothes/wash the children's faces

I do still fancy him, though. He is kind with DCs and has interesting hobbies and ideas. We love animals and have pets and he's lovely with them.

He's from a well-off background so I'm working but I'm not the main source of income.

Sounds like he probably hasn't ever had to do much for himself then if he's from a well off background and this is learnt behaviour, someone else always sorts everything out

does he plan to get an actual job at some point?

No plans to work outside the home. That's fine with me because there's a job here that needs doing and the DCs have one of us around. That was the plan.

I do relate, although it's not the same for us as dh is ill a lot of the time. But in theory at the moment he's doing oK. I have asked him to start getting up to see ds off to school in the morning, even if he then has to go back to bed, as i need to leave early and if left to his own devices without supervision, ds tends to 'forget' to do teeth hair and face (to the point that he's getting spots and gets lumps of scurf on his scalp :( ). So it did drive me nuts this morning, since I was leaving later for once, that nothing has changed... nothing's been put through the wash, the rubbish hasn't been emptied and when I did it I knocked over a bucket full of festering food waste that's been left by the bin, all over my work clothes... which were ones I'd found at the back of the drawer because of the lack of wash... in the end I went and bought a new skirt from a charity shop to wear today... ds hasn't been wearing the insoles he needs to wear for an increasing amount each day but can't yet wear to school... it's still my job to ring the guy who's supposed to be replacing the boiler and it will be my job to supervise him doing the work... it seems to be my job to walk the dog most of the time despite the fact I'm out of the house a minimum of 10 hours a day... i have arranged a phone appointment with ds's teacher as I can't take any time to travel and see her... he HAS done the (internet) food shopping this week for the first time in six weeks... he has never to my knowledge cleaned the bathroom, ever... he has never hoovered since I've known him... dh has just said it would be nice to have a cake when his parents come at the weekend - i.e. it would be nice if I made one... dh has just said 'have WE been in touch with the boiler guy yet?' I answered 'no' and he said 'next week maybe' and I failed once again to say 'how about you doing it tomorrow'?

Fundamentally, it's not a partnership, not most of the time. We can't afford to split up even if I wanted to, which I don't, I'd just like things to be a bit different. I guess I can whistle for it; dh will change when he is able, when it is right for him, and not before.

My view would be that your dh's life is not the life of a healthy adult. Despite my moments of fury, I am undermined by knowing I would MUCH rather be going out to work than doing what dh does. I have no idea of the solution; Relate would be pointless for us, dh is too ill too much of the time to make any changes realistic in the long term IMO. I will watch the thread with interest. I do think that lowering my expectations has helped. I left my first marriage because my xh and I wanted fundamentally different things. In life, I wanted a child, and I have done that, and I will stick by my bargain. I wonder, though, whether dh will eventually have to have an affair and leave me for a change to come - maybe I am the one who is not capable of changing.

Sorry this is so long. Wasn't meant to be a hijack, just to say that you are far from alone.

I know a couple a bit like this. She's a highly paid, highly stressed partner in a city law firm. He nominally looks after the 2 kids, although they have cleaners, and from what I can gather, nannies too.

He plays golf most days. She arrives home at 8pm and starts cooking dinner.

He has zero respect amongst his group of friends. We can't understand why she puts up with it.

I feel so sad for some of you women who do it all

why do you think it's ok to work yourself to a frazzle while some jumped up little fucking prince surveys all he sees with a smug smile on his face?

I don't know how you do it

and in fact, you piss me off because you are helping to raise the next generation of children with these fucked-up ideas with what constitutes a relationship

Horrible situation for you OP because you are going to be the one who makes the big decisions about your relationship. He will not engage in this process.

How can you fancy someone who has so little respect for you? What are your children learning from this? He sounds like a selfish pig who does not care half as much about you as you seem to about him.

He will not change. Why would he?

AF my main concern IS the next generation, my DCs. I'm looking for a solution that doesn't involve breaking up. That really shouldn't piss you off.