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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A bit scared of posting........ Sex

30 replies

McNewPants2013 · 12/06/2013 23:27

I am married to a wonderful man, there are no problems apart from sex.

I am very shy when it comes to sex and I want to be able to do more.

It has never been an issue to DH, but I want to do more but my fear stops me so we do the same position every time.

DH is the only person I have had sex with and I trust him 100%

Also I apologise if this is the wrong section to post in.

OP posts:
MrsMeg · 12/06/2013 23:37

What is it you think you should be doing differently? What would you change?

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 12/06/2013 23:41

I don't really know.

OP posts:
NoelHeadbands · 12/06/2013 23:41

What is your fear McNew? What are you afraid might happen?

NoelHeadbands · 12/06/2013 23:43

Sorry, that looks like a barrage of questions Grin

fortyplus · 12/06/2013 23:44

We all read 'The Joy of Sex' in the 6th Form common room. Parts of it made us go 'ugh!' but other bits seemed worth a try. It's a bit like eating spicy food - you have to start mild and build up gradually to suit yourself. It's no use me saying 'why don't you try doing X' if you feel totally repelled by it. You might be more comfortable with 'Y'.

You probably don't want to tell everyone on here what you do feel happy with already, so my advice is get reading and start simple! Smile

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 12/06/2013 23:45

I know it sound pathetic but feeling stupid and feeling silly.

OP posts:
NoelHeadbands · 12/06/2013 23:57

I don't think it sounds pathetic. Not wanting to look daft is a pretty big driving factor in most folks daily life!

But it would be a shame if this fear were to prevent you from enjoying a satisfying sex life with your husband, because presumably he's one of the people who has seen you look silly before, and loves you anyway Smile

There's an obvious answer here to me, and that's alcohol Grin. Is your DH as shy about this as you are btw?

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 13/06/2013 00:01

Don't know how to word this, but will try.

He don't care because he will lead and will only do thing I am comfortable with.

However I would like to be able to do a bit more.

I am turning bright red even by talking about it.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 13/06/2013 00:03

I second Noel. Get knee-walking drunk!

mcmooncup · 13/06/2013 00:17

We are taught to be ashamed of our bodies and sexuality as women.

Honestly I'd recommend some feminism to you......understand where your shame has come from, then get it the hell outta here.

It's ok for you to have sexual desires.

Then, get really pissed.

fortyplus · 13/06/2013 00:21

McNewPants2013 - not at all pathetic or silly! Also men like different things - could you tell him you'd like to do more and ask him what he'd like?

orfeoandeurydice · 13/06/2013 00:25

Hmm is all I'm thinking...

Layl77 · 13/06/2013 06:08

Wine !!
could you talk to him but approach it from the angle of wanting to have more time together/get new lingerie so it's not blatant talking about sex positions?

Lucylloyd13 · 13/06/2013 06:13

I think that this is in your hands. You have been painfully shy articulating yourself on an anonymous forum, and you are similarly so with your man.

Enjoying sex is about the two of you having fun. It is also about taking responsibility. If you fancy new positions, try them. If you present yourself on all fours , your man will take you, if you climb on him, he won't say no!

BelaLugosisShed · 13/06/2013 08:22

I think advising someone to get drunk is an awful , horrible suggestion, if her partner thinks she had to get drunk to try something new sexually, he would feel horrible (if he's any kind of decent man) .
Not to mention that alcohol numbs a woman's sexual responses.
The best place for a conversation about sex is lying in the dark if you are a bit shy, if you are not used to taking control it can be terrifying, the easiest way to get some confidence is to get on top, even if it's a disaster and you end up in fits of laughter - who says sex has to be serious?
It should be fun.

NotSoNervous · 13/06/2013 08:38

I think getting merry and then bring the subject up, you'll feel more relaxed and open and will say things you wouldn't normally if your me anyway and then she how it goes from there and after having a few drinks and explaining to your DH he will understand and then if you decided to google or give something a try the alcohol will give you that first confidence boost

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2013 09:00

It's impossible to tell someone to not feel silly. Is there anything about the environment when you make love that might be adding to your inhibitions? I'm thinking things like badly placed mirrors or harsh lighting... Are you confident about your body or are you self-conscious? Someone's mentioned a 'conversation about sex' which is actually a great idea .... do you tend to talk during sex or are you very quiet?

oreoaddict · 13/06/2013 09:07

McNew, it's ok to feel nervous or shy about talking about it. Our society has become sex obsessed and I can imagine it can make some people feel inadequate, dull or prudish. I'm not saying you should just carry on as normal, as it's obviously an issue for you. Can I ask you something though, are you happy with your sex life? If not, why not? Are you not satisfied, or do you worry that it's a bit safe or boring.

What was it like when you first got together? Did you ever go through that 'at it like bunnies stage'? Or do you feel the problem is more about the quality rather than the quantity?

You've come on here looking for advice because you're obviously not happy with something, but believe me, nobody on here will be shocked or embarrassed by anything you've got to say. People wouldn't click onto this thread, unless they were open minded, so try not to feel timid or shy talking about it.

Do you mind if I ask a rather personal question? Do you have a very structured routine when it comes to sex? Ie, same time, same position/s. Is it usually/always your husband who initiates sex? Have you had many sexual partners before your husband?

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 13/06/2013 09:25

It's always my husband who initiates sex and it is the same boring routine. My husband was my 1st so got no pass experiences.

I am over weight and my got really deep stretch marks from pregnancy still 4 years later.

I am open to suggestions on how to build my confidence about sex.

OP posts:
oreoaddict · 13/06/2013 09:52

Ok well I think the first thing to do is break the routine. I understand this may be a bit scary at first, but the best piece of advice I can give you, is don't overthink this.

If you're mentioning that you're overweight, then I'm assuming it's an issue for you and is keeping your confidence low. I wouldn't automatically suggest someone lost weight, but if you're not happy with it, then I think that's a separate issue and it may be something you want to start looking into. Don't let this be the biggest challenge for you though. The biggest challenge, is discovering your sexuality and realising that you have one.

The biggest thing to remember though, is that your husband obviously finds you desirable, because he continues to initiate sex. Don't think that just because you have a few stretch marks and don't initiate swinging from the chandeliers that he's bored or unsatisfied. He may not be 100% satisfied, but I'm afraid the only way of finding this out, is by talking about it. You may even find talking about it quite erotic, as one conversation about your sexual needs, could lead to even more intimate talk and it might inspire you to try something new.

Am I right in thinking that it's usually the trusty missionary position? You obviously don't have to say what it is you do want to try, but do you have any fantasies? I'm sure you do.

You describe it as the same old, boring routine, so I'm assuming you're not satisfied.

Do you find your husband desirable?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2013 09:55

My personal take on sex is that, if it's all wrong, the chances are it's not just you, it's also your partner. Like you, I'm overweight, have stretch-marks and thighs like a plasterer's radio.... but I've had partners that make me feel like the most gorgeous creature on earth (good sex) and partners that leave me completely cold and feeling self-conscious (crap sex).

So, whilst not saying your DH is to blame for this, he can actually make a big difference to your sexual confidence, self-image and ability to relax.

oreoaddict · 13/06/2013 10:05

Also, when it comes to building your confidence with sex, I would say that before you can do that, you really need to feel sexy yourself. I don't mean go in front of the mirror and love what you see, but sometimes something as simple as some sexy, lacy underwear can make you feel sexier. Wearing your every day clothes, but knowing you've got something very seductive underneath could maybe get you in the mood for when you and your husband are together. Do you both work?

Try not to think about your body as having 'imperfections'. Nobody has the 'perfect' body because that really is completely subjective. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Try discovering yourself again.

Do you ever actually just feel frisky?

Lavenderhoney · 13/06/2013 10:11

I think worries about being naked after dc cross most people's minds! Bear in mind he sees you, not separate bits of you to judge iyswim. I doubt he notices or minds your body and sees nothing wrong with it at all.

If it raises your self esteem to lose a bi of weight, or watch a few episodes of how to look good naked, do it. Try leaving a side light on, buy some nice underwear, grab him and kiss him in the kitchen, watch a film with some sexy scenes in like mr and mrs smith and see what happens on the sofa etc

Do you chat in bed? Before or after? That is a good place to start, or prolong foreplay a bit so you are on top, offer him a massage...or ask for one yourself ( personally I don't like them, but you might!)

Its a tricky one, as you don't want to hurt his male ego, but on the other hand he might like to know you adore having your knees kissed or whatever - no one likes feeling they are on a performance appraisal in bed! That's why watching a film or reading a book might be good- ooh look, that looks interesting ..:)

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 13/06/2013 10:52

Yes the classic massinary position.

Going to look for sexy underwear and talk to DH and start googling sex positions.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to this because it has really helped.

OP posts:
oreoaddict · 13/06/2013 11:03

McNew, have pmed you Smile