What should you accept in a relationship?

[CognitiveDissonanceismyHobby]

How do you know when a relationship crosses the line to become abusive? How much should you take in a normal healthy relationship?
I'm guessing most couples argue from time to time. How do you know when it's a healthy exchange?

I have read descriptions of emotional abuse via links on here, but I can't say that I read it and think that my DH fits the description exactly. But I feel unease in my marriage. I'm not sure if all couples interact like us and I just need to cope with it better.

I don't think myself or DH had perfect role models in our parents (stable families but with underlying sexism and unequal treatment between our DMs and DFs) but I think we are repeating some of the patterns of our parents and I am scared of passing that on to our DC (my DH refuses to believe that sexism exists and shuts down any attempt at conversation about it).

I suppose what I am asking is, for any of you who have felt that your relationship became low level abusive - how did it make you feel? And what did you do about it - can you get it back on track?

Yoni I think you are exactly right. It's just the way he has always seen the world working. It's interesting your suggestion that maybe men like this see women as 'adult children who need guidance', I think that might be the case. It's as though his sexism is not malicious, he just genuinely doesn't see it. And when I try to point it out to him, he feels like its a personal attack and gets defensive.

Also , he would not dare refer to him doing housework as 'helping me' , he made the mistake of saying that once and has never said it again .
I do stand up for myself. I try not to be passive. Posting on here has done me good though to help me get a more objective view of the situation and has made me feel like if it comes to me LTB then I am justified in doing so.

Yoni wow, you are spot on. Yes my DH definitely gets more leisure time, without question. He himself admits that and thanks me for it. But it shifts more of the 'power' to him doesn't it, having time outside the home to socialise with other adults. I am going to think about some activities that I can start doing regularly to try to give me a little more adult time (as a pp also suggested).

And he insists that he sees me as an equal. (Just not as 'equal' as most men it seems!)

"and maybe suggest to DH that he goes on his own too?)"

Yes, absolutely! You can change how you react to his behaviour, but he's the only one who can actually change the behaviour. And if it's been deeply ingrained all his life he's going to need a lot of help with that.

Individual counselling - if you are working to stay to together - definitely doesn't mean only one of you goes. It needs to be both.

His "apology" is not really up to much, is it? "I lost my temper. I'm sorry; it won't happen again."

So first sentence he subtly claims it was out of his control (because, let's face it, he's not saying, "I gave myself permission to try and shut you up," is he?); then second sentence he gives a cool promise that he can stop it happening again.

So he gets to deny responsibility and promise what you want to hear. It's a cop-out.

GettingAtrong thank you for such an understanding and supportive post. It really is hard to figure out the details of the situation when you are entwined within it.

Yes you are right Charlotte and I've told him to stop apologising, it means nothing to me. I also pointed out that its not a temper issue, it's a respect issue.

We've had quite a long talk today. I explained what was really wrong - his lack of respect, that I feel bullied, his underlying sexism and total refusal to even get into a discussion about sexism. He actually properly listened. He seemed to have a sudden realisation that his childhood had reinforced these sexist views and talked about times when he was favoured over his sister, or his DF talked to his DM in an unpleasant way. He kept saying how sorry he was that he had made me uncomfortable and that he doesn't want me to censor myself or change to suit him and he feels awful that he had made me feel that way. He wants to know more about feminism and how we can limit our DCs exposure to sexism.

I feel like its been a positive discussion and that it has really made him stop and think.

I'm still nervous about us. And I think I'm a small step closer to feeling strong enough to be in a position to LTB if things don't improve.