Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I'm being made a mug of

67 replies

PurpleOne · 12/06/2013 13:56

I've been seeing this bloke for about 4 or 5 months now. Generally we get along great. He was upfront and honest with me at the start to tell me he is still married (separated 5 yrs now)
The problem I'm having is the fact that he still sees her on a regular basis for dinner and drinks out. I've never been invited along although I would like to meet her.
So I'm right in the throes of moving house and he tells me he's taking her to the theatre on Saturday night. He's never taken me to the theatre! I'm not a jealous person, far from it, but it just now feels that I'm never going to be his number one. He refuses to get a divorce. There are no children and he can certainly afford to get one, he just won't.
We've talked about it over and over again but he just won't budge. He says she's his best friend which I think is utter bollocks. If they were best friends, surely they'd be living together as married people do.
He hasn't even told her that he's been seeing me!

Any ideas?

OP posts:
PurpleOne · 12/06/2013 14:54

I didn't demand anything. Just asking him nicely to start considering what I'd like out of the relationship. After all, he's the one whose stopping this from progressing any further.
I think that's a reasonable enough request.
We've only been going out for a few months I know, but I've known him for about 2 years as friends, but I had no idea he was still married until we got 'together'.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 12/06/2013 14:56

You've only been seeing him 4-5 months. I honestly think all this "he will never be mine" and demands to meet his family are a bit premature.

But that's just me I guess.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2013 14:57

PurpleOne,

So is this person now on marriage number 2 although he has been separated for 5 years and does not want a divorce?.

He thinks very little of you really and such types know that some women have so little self worth that they'd put up with any old crap.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Genuine question btw.

MissStrawberry · 12/06/2013 15:01

Maybe he is stopping it progressing any further because he doesn't want too.

Were you really close friends previously though if you didn't know he is still married?

I think you are going to get hurt or strung along here if you are not careful Sad.

Kaluki · 12/06/2013 15:02

Well you want him to divorce his wife and shop the cozy dates with her (not at all unreasonable) but he won't.
That speaks volumes.

Now you have to decide if you want to be second best and to watch him take her to places instead if you or if you want to be treated better than that.
Only you can decide.

PurpleOne · 13/06/2013 03:25

Sorry for delay in replying. My phone is being an arse and conveniently, a few weeks back, his mate busted my laptop.

Hmmm, yeah I really get what all of you are saying. He is taking the piss out of me isn't he.
I'm moving house asap and its moving quickly. I'd have thought hed at least be helping me pack. Have a few beers and have a laugh while rummaging through my memories and get to know me better. That's what boyfriends do isn't it! He's been out of our hometown more times with her. He knows the score with me. I've got fuck all to offer in the sense of money and grub but have plenty of love.
His flat is def not a shagpad. I have keys and I just turn up when I want to, def nothing else there.
Even though I've only been seeing him a few months, I'm not wrong in asking him to stop the cosy dates with the wife? It makes me feel awfully insecure, just like its a game to him. There's 3 in our relationship, divorce or not and that makes me feel awfully uncomfortable. Thought it would easier as things went on, but its not. Well, not on me anyways. Maybe people feel things are a bit premature but at the end of the day, if you was dating and getting close, you'd want the same things right?

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/06/2013 03:32

He is obviously not over her, you will always be questioning their relationship. You owe it to yourself to be more than second fiddle.

PurpleOne · 13/06/2013 03:59

Yes I agree.

My best mate (who happens to be a bloke) knows all about him already and is planning on coming up in the summer for drinks and to meet.
Why can't it be the same thing the other way? Oh hang on, I'm not married.
I have an exh, he's there for the DDs, he's remarried and that's as far as it goes. Couldn't even think about going for dinner or theatre with him cringe Know we all have history, that's fine. But a wife whose a best frined who I've not met nor been introduced to is just not bloody fair!

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/06/2013 04:14

What are you going t do Purple

cat · 13/06/2013 04:17

Purple - why aren't you listening to anyone on the thread?

Pilgit · 13/06/2013 07:02

If they were truly not together any more his DD would have booked them separate rooms at her wedding. Many couples conduct relationships and marriages whilst living seperatly (sp). Perhaps they have an 'open' marriage. If the marriage element was truly over and he was serious about you he wouldn't hesitate to introduce you. If he had nothing to hide and she truly was his best friend he would want you two to meet.

RubyOnRails · 13/06/2013 07:16

Darling girl my sister was in your shoes. She found out he was married after a month. Seven years on, all he's given her is a baby and chlamydia. Oh, and the experience if going on holiday every year with the whole family.

Wise up. His flat IS a shag pad. If there's no evidence of his daughters existence then it is. You are the other woman.

Please meet somebody in your own age group with whom you can appreciate the first of all the exciting milestones. Don't be somebody's bit on the side.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2013 07:22

erm...

NotDead · 13/06/2013 07:26

It may not be as bad as all that. My parents have split up and both remarried but they still remain in regular contact.. and sometimes share relationship advice.

I think the thing is here that he is gently having another relationship but you are quite quickly seeking an all-in one. Nice to want it but perhaps a bit premature to expect it.

Them sharing a room could be faux married behaviour or could be a close friendship. I say this because I have been like this with exes. .but no not with someone I have been married to.

It really depends on how they are with each other but I understand that you can't judge this.

It may be that their currunt relationship is slightly underpinned by a frisson of possibility that your involvement in would take away.. and he could be being sensitive to this and/or any craziness from his family.. Theses things can get quite sticky once it is unavoidable that big changes have taken place.

I agree with others that it is early for this to happen - a few months in would be very short for me in an adult relationship with other responsibilities around it. I appreciate this came from friendship so I can see where this comes from but you may have to accept that your pace of development isn't his.. at least for the moment.

A chat along these lines might help and be prepared to listen. Personally if I were in this situation I would want the current relationship to be more open in this regard. . he msy also be wary of getting into another big investment relationship so it might be wise in any case to not push on the heavy stuff as it might push him to think that any relationship is a hassle and 'perhaps I need time alone'. Again from my perspective I would be seeking something simple friendly and serious withput being pressured ahead of what I thouggt were reasonable timescales given all the people involved.

My advice would be to try to enjoy now rather than future and seek a discussion about how ypu wpuld like to move on to something more serious if there is a future. Though I keep in touch with some exes I wouldn't introduce current partners to them as a deliberate project to prove my love for them, but I knowsome people do. On that its horses for courses and you shouldn't necessarily expext that what you would do is right and that what they would do is wrong.

Good luck and keep being aware of how you feel and how to explain it.

NotDead · 13/06/2013 07:30

also did you invite him for beers and move help? have you invited him to the theatre? ?

Dahlen · 13/06/2013 08:10

It's quite possible that he's telling the truth and you're not an OW. I've come across people like this before - it comes down to factors like not wanting to be twice divorced (the fact that the marriage has failed can be conveniently glossed over while there's no divorce) and, more importantly for you, not being emotionally ready for another relationship.

Dating someone who is not yet divorced can be fraught with difficulty. Dating someone who hasn't even started a divorce even more so. Dating someone who has wilfully admitted that they have no intention of getting a divorce should be a non-starter. Deciding that your marriage is over and that you need to move on from it is something that should be done irrespective of a new partner. IMO if you only decide to get divorced once you've met someone else, you've learned nothing from the breakdown of your marriage and are probably doomed to repeat the same mistakes in your new relationship.

MumnGran · 13/06/2013 08:19

Wake up and smell the roses.

Move on, and find someone who actually wants to make you the centre of his world and make your relationship together the most important relationship he has. That's what a 'partnership' is supposed to be about. You are cheerfully living with being second best and only really worrying about it when he dodges playing happily families with both of you at the same time? ....and then it appears that she doesn't know about you anyway! after this length of time.

Surely you are worth more than this?

lemonstartree · 13/06/2013 09:30

whether he is 'married' / sleeping with his wife / living with her part time or whatever, the one fact that cannot be denied is that he does not wish to become further involved with you - at least at the moment. He is also putting his wife's feelings/needs above yours. I would be deeply suspicious about the 'one room' thing...

Can you live with that? If not then you should cut your losses and walk away - find a man who does want to commit to you exclusively...

PurpleOne · 13/06/2013 14:59

Going to get settled in my new place and knock this right on the head. Last night, he referred to his DD3 as a 'cunt'...

Shock
OP posts:
mcmooncup · 13/06/2013 15:39

The signs are all there I'm afraid....another one bites the dust.

Enjoy your new place Smile

AnyFucker · 13/06/2013 16:48

Bin him right off right now for the cunt comment

In fact, could you let me do it please Grin

RubyOnRails · 15/06/2013 12:17

Have you done it yet?

Frizzbonce · 15/06/2013 14:24
Shock

What a repulsive little knobdripper. Please dump him. I mean seriously. He called his own daughter a cunt? That tells you everything you need to know about him. Everything.

LeGavrOrf · 15/06/2013 14:28

Urgh. Who says that about their own daughter?

Get rid of him and be thankful you have only wasted a few months on him and not a few years.

Mumrunragged · 15/06/2013 14:48

Oh my love, regardless of what's going on in his life with his wife you really do deserve better than this. He doesn't sound like a very nice man in all honesty from what you've posted. Please don't waste any more time existing in his life, go and live yours and be happy. Good luck with the move & take care xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread