Oh dear Stbex has his first childcare issue lol

[Mosman]

He thinks having just got back from 2 weeks away training muggins here is going to have another week of straight 24/7 on my own with four kids.
I've told him just that he has to do 50% of their washing, 50% of the cooking, cleaning, tidying, getting them ready for school and no I can't have them for 5 days straight.

I'm quite enjoying giving him a taste of the problems he'll be facing from here onwards.

Hang on a bit though. Surely for the next two weeks he should be doing 100%???
Yes, if he needs to go away, then he should compensate at 100% when he's in.

You'd think wouldn't you but oh no

I got Saturday off and then Monday straight back in it, last night he got home at 9pm

I agree with Cogito about the 'covering up in front of the kids' not being as good as you think it is, Mosman. My mum says she never shouted at my dad in front of us but we ALL remember the talking through gritted teeth and fake, forced smiles.

You're angry and that's really understandable - but it's obvious. If you have to live in the same house for a while then you're going to have to have groundrules and those are not that you dictate how the arrangements for the children will be. It's not going to be easy but I think, for the sakes of your children, you and your STBX will need to sit down with a pad and pen, what you broadly agree on can become established practice and what you don't agree on can be discussed. Neither of you gets to dictate how you will look after the children in 'your' care.

He is their dad and, if you make the arrangements fraught out of (understandable) spite, it will be your children who suffer. Ditto if he does this. Remember why you're talking to him at all now...

Six months is a finite period, mark it on your calendar and check off each day.

How would the kids feel about coming back to the UK (and presumably leaving their Dad there)?

Can you book all the childcare and just make him pay his share? Yeah it's crap and not fair that you have to etc - but it might make your life a bit easier?

Some men people just don't 'get' shared responsibility - they think in terms of 'helping you out'

Definitely do not suffer financially.

I don't know what the back story is, and I am guessing there is a lot as others seem very familiar with it, BUT you are coming over very angry indeed - and If I can get that across the internet I'm damn sure your kids do; 2) you seem rather bitter and almost spiteful towards your Ex - eg he can sort out his on childcare - if you are in the same house, and BOTH working, why would you not do this together ? and split the costs ? why do you want him ( and by extension the children) to suffer ? Why do you not live in separate houses ? You sound angry ++ but also co-dependent - it seems to be a very toxic environment for you all, but especially your children

I don't think I'm past the anger stage tbh but no the kids won't be picking up on that because I vent on mumsnet, which is hopefully ok ?

Spiteful insisting he looks after his own kids, really ?

yes; if you are in the same house. It makes no sense to say "on the days I am responsible for the children they will be collected by X and do Y ' Now you sort out something completely different for 'your' days" ...

If you live separately then ok, but from the same house ? I'm not saying YOU sort it out I'm saying for the children's benefit, sort it out together.

no ??

I am sorry but I disagree I'm not saying on my "days" I won't get the children a snack or glass of water but he wants 50/50 and frankly I know a his motives and b he simply isn't capable so I kind have to watch this play out whilst it can do the least harm to the children or my career otherwise we will have this bollocks when I'm not around and really don't have any say other than to go through solicitors or simply say if you don't look after them you won't be having them, the last thing I want to do.

Listen, however antagonistic your relationship is - and it clearly is - and however much you don't like each other, presumably you both love your children? As you still live in the same house then you're going to have to bottom out this 50:50 thing so that it means the same to both of you.

As far as you 'venting on MN' goes; fine, we all do that but in fairness, from what you post, how is anybody to discern what is a rant and what is the way you're going to behave? I absolutely understand the pain and the upset but as the rational parent, you're going to have to take the steps to make this work or believe me, however good you think you are at not showing it, it WILL show and your children will experience the pain that you're trying to avoid for them.

If you really can't work out the system with your ex then either he - or you - move out, somehow, for your childrens' sake.

I wish he would just fuck right off I truely do but he won't

I wish he would too, Mosman, you're in a terrible position - damned if you do and damned if you don't. Keep thinking of the end of the six months' period - then you'll be free(ish) or at least it won't be as bad as it is now.

Good luck , I am biting my tongue at yet another 'white' school shirt being washed ( it's not white anymore it's now a dirty grey ) as it must be a novelty to ex that the washing goes in separate loads. Also noticed his favourite white and pale blue shirt he was wearing today looked decidedly grubby whereas he's had it 4 years and I always kept it sparkling white !!
But I told him I expected the kids uniforms back on Sunday nights washed, dried and ironed
I will buy new shirts every month if necessary , hope you Are stipulating the same . !!

He's in a right old mood this morning, had to make lunches, sort breakfast, little one to nursery. Ones wet the bed.
He's not had any time for his usual 40 minute beauty routine (whilst I usually run around like a blue arsed fly).
I am quite enjoying the huffing and puffing I must admit.

I wonder how long it will be before he begs for a reconciliation!

To be fair to him he's not actually gone down that route at all just started hinting at solicitors etc but frankly if he scares the horses ie me he'll ducking regret that big time.

And of course his maintenance is reduced by him doing. 50/50 which lets be honest is why he's doing it but he didnt expect four children to impact on his career and earnings - hilarious!

That is what I thought was in his mind Mosman. And seriously, if he is not going to pull his weight with childcare then he will have to reach into the old wallet and pay up so that you can afford better working hours and take care of them or afford someone to supervise if cutting back your hours isn't possible. Or could he be the residential parent? Would it involve cutting back on his hours and/or paying someone a whopping amount of money to be nanny?

He has to be made to recognise that he can't have his cake and eat it too. He needs to face reality and he needs to do it before the children fall through the cracks and are hurt (emotionally) by having to shift for themselves.

I don't agree with people asserting that children of this age should or could get themselves up and out in the morning. If they were all a bit older (13/14 and up) then I would expect them to be able to do this, but yours are a bit young still and it would be too much for the 12 year old to shoulder. It would fall to this child to get everyone out. Not good imo.

Did you do mediation to come up with this arrangement or was it something you agreed together? I recommend mediation as a way of sorting things out for the benefit of the children and as a way of getting an impartial professional on your side wrt what is best for them since your H was brought up by wolves and has no prior experience of adult support to refer to. Maybe mediation would end up getting him out of your hair earlier than he thinks he can.

Your situation right now is unworkable. The children will soak it all in, all the huffing and puffing and mutual resentment. You will be driven nuts. Please drag him to mediation.

And you need to record all the dirty looks and the expressions of exasperation at having to do all the million and one things that are necessary when one is a parent.

I have September in my mind as the deadline for all this bollocks, I'm applying to the kids old schools for places "just in case" and I'm afraid this is my way or the highway I hold all the cards passports and visas and he does need to just get out IMO
We have an ex nanny of ours from the UK staying with us as a guest not a nanny and she can see the older children are affected which is awful and not what either of us want.
I'm going to have a word with my brother and see if he'll be my au pair for 6 months and see how that goes.

Have you started your new job yet?
An acquaintance of mine is going through something very similar and how they're coping is by keeping the children at home and the parents alternating between a rented flat that they both contribute to. So 1/2 the week the father is in the family home while the mother is in the flat and 1/2 the week the mother is in the family home and the father is in the flat. Do you think something like that would work? That way you get a break from the overwhelming stress of the situation and he gets a real taste of what the future holds.

I'm still waiting on a contract for the new job and yes once that's through he could actually go and rent a room somewhere so he's out the way at least some of the time. I'm not leaving my children at the time when they need me the most especially not with this incompetent fool.

We literally do not have a cent to our names, he has given the wrong bank details in for his new job and with four children I am penniless, you couldn't make it up.

Good news on the job front, but bugger about everything else! You sound like you're almost at the end of your rope though - you OK?

I went out and got drunk with my brother and friend last night and bloody needed that tbh.

This worries me greatly that I'm hardly in the best frame of mind to make a wonderful impression on my new employers, I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, combined with the fact that I don't trust fickhead not to screw up his job or if he does achieve everything they are promising him I don't trust him not to screw me over financially, I think he'll play the game until the kids are really settled and then pull the rug.