Mother encouraging dd to kick the cat

[ItCameFromOuterSpace]

I want sure whether to post here or parenting.

Mother used to look after dd while I went to work FT. It did not work at all, she found it very difficult and our previously extremely good relationship essentially fell apart. I don't want to go too much into it as it was a very distressing time, but she wished my current baby would miscarry (am currently 30weeks pg), and would say things like no one gave a sh*t about my pregnancy and hoped my organs would burst inside me.

It was at truly awful awful time, I would leave dd and go to work in floods of tears, and pick her up to be met with more abuse.

Have no idea why my previously Very good relationship with my mother became like this, but she said she felt I was too involved with her looking after my daughter (I said I would like it if she tried to take dd out everyday if possible - when they were both well, and not adverse weather) even if it was just for a walk for fresh air for 10-15 mins etc.

She said she would only take dd out once a week maybe and would feed her whatever she wanted (I always cooked meals and give them to her), and would change her clothes etc.

Anyway, she used to get very frustrated with dd at times and would often shout SHUT UP!! At her. I begged her not to speak to my daughter like this 1. Because I don't want my daughter being shouted at to shut up and 2. Because I didn't want her picking up that kind of language at tat age (she ws between 13-16months when she as looking after her).

Dd would then start shouting shut up to anyone including strangers.

Mother would also encourage her to kick our elderly cat, which she found vey amusing. I repeatedly asked her not to do this because I didn't want her learning this kids of behaviour, we want her to be kind to animals and others, and also as we have a newborn arriving soon, we are trying to get dd to be kind to the cat (nice strokes, cuddles etc) to encourage her to treat the baby nicely.

In the end, we put dd in nursery and she loves it. Mother however, still insists on teaching dd to kick the cat and generally be nasty to him.

I don't know what to do, we didn't speak for almost 2 months and have just started speaking again - she refused to apologise for what she said to me about miscarriage etc, but has no reluctantly said sorry as dh said he would cut her out our lives if she continued this abuse.

Everytime she sees dd she tells her to kick the cat, pull his tail etc. what can I do? I have asked her not to, and she does it anyway. Dd had a lovely calm and sweet temperament but is only 18 months and very impressionable.

Does it sound like I am overreacting or being unreasonable in anyway? Should I let my mother talk to her grand daughter as she wants? Is it harmless?

mother has told me that dd is not mine and belongs to the world and I should stop acting like she is "mine" as such.

Thank you everyone. hellohippo my sister is 15 years older than me and seemed to resent the fact I am significantly younger than her. I was in primary school when she was a graduate amd I often remember her arguing with my mum than men would look at me in the street and find me more attractive than her. I was like 9 or 10 at the time ffs.

As I grew up this sort of behaviour towards me got worse, she has called me a wh*re before because I chose to go to clubs etc when I was at university and she was very shy. I have tried very hard to have a sister relationship with her but it just never happened. Whenever my mum and I would argue my sister would make situations worse and enjoy being the "favourite". In her warped opinion I was th favourite just because I'm th youngest.

I think she's used this rift with my mother as an excuse to cut me out.

Dh has echoed what a lot of you have said - and thinks the best thing to do is limit is contact (we were so close we used to speak twice a day on the phone before). He has been appauled with he behaviour and equally shocked as he also used to have a great relationship with her.

I used to work with people with dementia. It was also my first thought here. Or she has developed a mental illness.

Is the behaviour a stark change to how she was before though, it sounds like there has always been tension. It does sound like your sister resents you, I have two DDs with the same age gap and there is no escaping the fact that DD1 is jealous of DD2, even though she tries not to be, if that makes sense. I can't help but wonder if your mother has always been a bit toxic, but if this is an abrupt change i would seriously urge you to seek medical help for her.

Whatever you do though, do not leave her alone with your DD

She sounds mentally ill to me your first responsibility is to your DD and unborn child tell her if she wants to see them then your house your rules and bollocks

I certainly wouldn't have her anywhere near your child (or your poor old cat for that matter) for the forseeable future.
By all means meet up with her by yourself - you can choose whether to accept her abuse or not, but you do not have the right to expose your child to it.

I would make an appointment with her GP and tell them of this apparently sudden frightening and potentially dangerous change in her personality. If she has dementia or alzheimers, the sooner it is diagnosed and treated, the better for her, and you & yours.

Bur please, protect your child first and foremost.

Well it sounds as if she has always been on the nasty side of controlling-making OP give up breastfeeding-demanding lots of thanks for looking after GC, all or nothing with regard to looking after her...

^Everytime she sees dd she tells her to kick the cat, pull his tail etc. what can I do? I have asked her not to, and she does it anyway. Dd had a lovely calm and sweet temperament but is only 18 months and very impressionable.

Does it sound like I am overreacting or being unreasonable in anyway? Should I let my mother talk to her grand daughter as she wants? Is it harmless?

mother has told me that dd is not mine and belongs to the world and I should stop acting like she is "mine" as such.^

What really strikes me about this is that she is trying to get you to be helpless in the face of her manipulation of your daughter, and to let her malevolent influence (or the world's) override your own instincts and wishes about how you want to raise your daughter. To the extent that she's saying your daughter isn't yours. She's basically saying you have no right to protect your daughter from her.

Now, of course children don't BELONG to their parents as such, they belong to themselves. However, their parents (or guardians) are responsible for guiding them to adulthood and providing what they believe to be the best they can for them and protect them from harm. That is your (and your DPs) responsibility. I think that for whatever reason, your mother is causing harm to your daughter (and your poor cat) by encouraging her to act in cruel ways and confusing her about appropriate behaviour (and your standards are much closer to those of her nursery and future school). You are definately allowed to put a stop to that, in fact you have a duty to, whatever she says, even if it means going zero contact.

It also seems to me as if this is not actually a new thing from your mother (given your doubt about whether her behaviour was reasonable and harmless - its not). However it might be new that she is directing it at you. If you were a 'good girl' and didn't cross her before you had the responsibility as a parent, then you might not have seen her like this before. How was she with other people?

I suppose it is possible that this could be caused by some new medical condition, you should still protect your DD and yourself - pregnancy is difficult enough, without all this stress going on. But suggest she sees her GP as you've noticed a personality change. If she won't see someone, then you can't help her anymore. But your odd relationship with your sister suggests your mum might have been manipulating you both for a while.

Do have a read through the Stately Homes thread to see if other aspects of people's relationships with their parents are familar to you. As others have said, your reactions to her odd behaviour - conceeding over how your child is fed, that she went with your mum ft when you wanted it to be pt etc, suggests that you have be trained to put your mum's needs above your own, and to some extent your child's and she has become nasty because you are resisting the latter.

Congrats on your pregnancy, and for having the strength to put your daughter into nursery when it was the best choice. I hope you feel you can bf your second child for as long as you wish, it really is none of her business.

What would happen if you said to your mum that you are concerned about changes in her mood, personality and behaviour and you think she should see her doctor? What do you think she'd say? Could you speak to a doctor about the best way to do this?

But please don't feel that you can't just drop contact. You can. Although a close relationship with supportive parents is a nice thing, staying in close contact with toxic parents isn't compulsory. You can wind it back to exchanging birthday and christmas cards and seeing her a couple of times a year (or less). If being in contact with her is making your life more stressful, especially during pregnancy when you can least afford it, then you can take a break and re evaluate once you and your family has settled into life with your second DC.