Spiteful and jealous bitch, or got a point????

[CherryMonster]

my so called best friend has basically unfriended me today, and sent me some really spiteful fb messages. backstory is, her marriage is going under, she is drinking way too much, and is in a foul mood (understandably i will admit). i have found a new man, after nearly 3 years of being totally single (no male contact at all) and although its early days its going well. we met about a month ago, and he met my children a few days ago. we have not slept together yet. she (so called friend) thinks i am rushing things, that i should be concentrating on my dc's instead of looking after my own happiness (what have i been doing for the last almost 3 years, and though a 6 month relationship before that,for the 3 years before then) that i should sort my house out (am packing to move) and that my kids are horrible. she told me that he was a waster only interested in getting in to my knickers, and that i am spreading my legs like marge rather than dealing with the important things. surely my happiness is as important as anything else? my kids love the new man already, especially my teenage son who is normally really reserved and uptight around men if he thinks i am getting involved with them. am hurt, upset and angry, but am i in the wrong?

The things she had said to you are vile. You have met someone you really like after a long time on your own, she should be happy for you and even if slightly envious because you are experiencing the fun new parts of a relationship while hers is on its last legs.

Obviously now you have met someone you won't have as much free time to spend with her. An adult understands that a relationship takes time and input from you and tbh, seeing a friend every single day gets a bit claustrophobic to me - I was in a very similar situation with my friend when I first met DP.

I confided in a close friend about a couple of little incidents that had pissed me off (as we all have those odd niggles with a new set-up, especially one involving DCs) and she chose to throw them back at me as 'proof' that he was using me for sex/babysitting/didn't love me etc and ended up really upsetting me.

I didn't want to fall out with her, but I told her I didn't like the way she had spoken about him - she took that as meaning that our friendship was over, but we have since put it behind us and I am now more careful about what I tell her and she is less quick to judge; she has never expressed any desire to get to know him after nearly a year, nor he her.

As for your children meeting him, so what?! You are not introducing him as their 'new dad' or anything. I see nothing wrong with them meeting him after a month (mine met my DP within a couple of weeks, thought he was brilliant - even DS1 who is a teenager) Had the relationship ended they wouldn't have been confused or upset that he was no longer in their lives any more than they would be upset if I fell out with a female friend who I no longer saw. That's ridiculous.

After a month you both know if you're going to make a go of things and even if you wait 6 months to introduce them it won't make THEM any more or less attached if things go wrong. As long as you're not introducing them to different men every month I can't see what the timescale has to do with anything. Unfortunately as a single mum it can be hard to get time without the DCs so once the kids are all introduced to each other it is easier to arrange meeting up.

Sorry long ramble but hope my experiences are of some use to you OP!

i think it's good she's unfriended you. saves you having to unfriend her.

i'd block her too.

No matter what mistakes you have made (IF you have) she doesn't have the right to lash out on you and be so rude and vile.

When we are young and needy for friend a lot of us make many compromises in order not to finish off friendships for the fear of living in isolation. But when we grow older, more mature and exprerienced, meet better people and form meaningful relationships we rethink our approach to friendship or relationships and we are not willing to compromise for somebody who is not worth it.

When you know what the best is like and are happy in your life why waste energy for a useless person who only causes misery and why commit past mistakes regarding maintaining your friendship? She still seems that you are teenagers and you really need her no matter how many tantrums she throws at you. No you don't! Epecially as you have spent a part of your life offering real help to her you have no guilts that you have wronged her.

The thing is, OP, you wouldn't put up with those sort of comments and malice if they came from a man. Why do we as women put up with so much grief that comes from other women in the name of "friendship"?

I've learned my lesson with female friends a few years ago: be very careful about what you reveal about your love life and relationships as some are likely to use it agaisnt you at some point in the future.

I'm not saying all women friends are like that. There are amazing female friends out there, really caring and understanding, and solid. But there are plenty of them who come across are friendly, cheerful and bubbly, but they can turn quite nasty when the situation calls for real friendship.

Learn from this experience and do not allow anybody, whether male or female to treat you like that in the future.

Could she have been drunk?

thanks guys

we were not friends as teenagers anyway, we met when i was 24 and she was 20. yes she could have been drunk but to be honest thats no excuse, she should have kept her mouth shut. also, just the fact that she is thinking things like that is bad enough. i am so so hurt that she cant be happy for me and let me make my own decisions and mistakes

ffs leave the woman alone! big deal he met the kids. from sounds of things they are taking things slowly. and who the fuck cares if was or wasnt accidental?? seriously, some people are so judgey.
like someone else said its not like she has had a string of boyfriends passing through, its been 3 years.
as for your so called bff, as someone else again has said, hide her on fb, limit who can msg you etc. maybe leave her for a few days to stew then maybe see if she wants to talk and sort it out or if you really feel you have done all you can then time to cut her loose.

I think it's fine to introduce your kids whenever you feel like. So long as you're not saying 'here's your new daddy'.

no i wasnt. i had intended introducing him to ds1 with just the 3 of us, ds1 is 14 and is very protective of me, and in the past has caused issues because he didnt like someone i was dating, so this time i have been determined to involve him as much as possible, he was the first person i told that i had met someone. he is thrilled, and they get on really well (both computer geeks lol). he actually asked me the other day if new chap was going to move in with us, and when i said no not quite yet he was disappointed. he has really taken to him.

When I left my last relationship I also realised I had to let go for some female friends as my behaviours had changed. It is not acceptable behaviour from her and crosses many boundaries.

my kids love the new man already, especially my teenage son

^^ this was concerning to me. Maybe it's the 'love' comment which feels excessive - they may have met him and think he's ok..great, but you don't know him yet and it will take several years for you to all know him well.

Good luck - building healthy relationships based on appropriate boundaries takes work but it's worth it.

you met a man on mumsnet?

LeGav, was that directed to me?

It doesn't take several years for people to love each other! I love my BF and we haven't been together for a year yet - I knew within a week that I loved him.

My 6 y/o DD writes him little notes & cards saying that she loves him, in fact she came into my room this morning, jumped on him and told him she loved him. She has decided (by herself) that she wants to call him her step dad and refers to his Dds as her sisters.

She loves having another male role model in her life and with 2 brothers she is thrilled to have 'sisters' too. DS1 is a teen and both he and DS2 love that DP is into films and computer games, they talk tech and joke around with him, my DCs are all disappointed when I tell him DP isn't coming over this evening. I don't understand why people can't accept that kids can love a man who isn't their dad.

It's doesn't excuse her behavior towards you of course it doesn't and if any of my friends called my daughter horrible that would be "it".
However think she may be a bit down and jealous and even feeling a bit inferior to you. Like I said though that does not excuse the way she is acting. xx

i knew within a couple of weeks that dh was the one.

this woman is not a good friend.

louly yes it was, I was only joking though tell us who he is

Lol LeGav, hes scared of mumsnetters, he thinks we all carry pitch forks and flaming torches.

I think you should consider that she has burned her bridges with you.

She may feel really strongly about certain things, but the fact remains that a decent friend would talk to you about it. You could have a rip roaring row about things with loved ones because you have a difference of opinion, but when insults, namecalling and saying you are a scrubber are involved then I think you can just say that she has crossed the line. Long friendship or no long friendship.

But he is a mumsnetter. Surely he knows what we are like?

Yes he does LeGav, but hes a Male Mumsnetter, theres a difference.

I would say that she speaks from the depths of her unhappiness and hurt and fear for her own future and with the help of alcohol. Maybe let her lick her wounds for a while and if she wishes to apologise then take it from there. Meanwhile, enjoy your new relationship.

I think that if she was drunk then she made the mistake of typing stuff out on FB that she would never dream of saying out loud. She sounds like she is hurting and jealous and surfeit of wine caused it to all come out in a vicious way.

If you called her on it today, what do you think her response would be? I would be inclined to ask her about it and see what her reaction is, if she is mortified and very sorry then I would give her another chance on the understanding that if she does anything like that again, it is game over. If she is defensive and still bitchy then drop her.

The thing is, if you are this gushy when talking to her as you are on here, I can see why that would be annoying and to her may seem like you are rubbing salt in her wounds.