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Relationships

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Original poster

DH on Vipassana retreat

36 replies

mojoawol · 10/06/2013 13:14

Went last week for 10 day silent meditation retreat, due back on Sunday. He's done them before, but this is the first since we met.

Does anyone have any experience of what to expect when he returns? Am hoping it will have had a positive affect (ie, humbler, less confrontational etc), but concerned he might be a bit 'holier than thou'.

Any experiences would be interesting, all I can find via Google is first hand experiences

OP posts:

SirSugar · 10/06/2013 13:41

I googled that and was a bit none the wiser.

Are you saying he has done all this before but it has had no effect on twatish behaviour, other than for him to think he's 'all right now' he's meditated?

TurnipCake · 10/06/2013 13:56

My ex would delight in all things Buddhist, meditations, vegetarian food etc etc.

At the heart of it, he was still a twat.

Original poster

mojoawol · 10/06/2013 14:09

That's what I'm worried about - will he still be the same twat, or a newer, more peaceful and smug kind of twat??

Or, will it actually make him into a nicer person.....

OP posts:

TurnipCake · 10/06/2013 14:21

I don't think it's going to be the latter, and I think you know that deep down too. Vipassana is a very intense kind of retreat, I think there's an article floating about the Graun today if you're interested.

As I said, my ex had a little whiteboard he'd write lovely enlightened quotes on, though on the same days he'd also be verbally abusive and deliberately pick fights so he could justify dipping his wick elsewhere.

I suspect these types of individuals aspire to walk around in a state of total peace and bliss at all times, but if you don't treat those around you with love, kindness, compassion and respect, then all the retreats, meditations etc in the world aren't worth much.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/06/2013 14:49

"will he still be the same twat, or a newer, more peaceful and smug kind of twat??"

Worse than any of those... a twat who now thinks he has all the answers....

watervole61 · 10/06/2013 15:13

sounds like you two are not compatible and nothing in common especially not mutual respect. why are you dating him?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/06/2013 15:21

I think the 'DH' in the title means it's more than dating...

Hullygully · 10/06/2013 15:22

Yes, sadly just a twat that levitates

watervole61 · 10/06/2013 15:23

oh dear. contempt is the number one emotional predictor of divorce...

Hullygully · 10/06/2013 15:24

which is hardly surprising really

hard to think what might top it

watervole61 · 10/06/2013 15:27

mind you worked out for the dalai lama...

Original poster

mojoawol · 10/06/2013 15:28

Yeah, but what about the Dalai's wife??

OP posts:

watervole61 · 10/06/2013 15:32

Hes celibate. sounds like your DH might be too soon!

tallwivglasses · 10/06/2013 15:34

Yes, when do you get your 10 days of p[eace and tranquility?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/06/2013 15:42

And how much did these 10 days cost....?

Original poster

mojoawol · 10/06/2013 15:44

The 10 days away doesn't really bother me so much, and to be fair he has said he would support me if I wanted to do the same thing. Which is lovely, but I just don't really want to though. And there's no concerns about time away, to do my own thing.

I'm just hoping only positive things come out of it, and he doesn't come back wearing orange robes and chanting. But still not doing the dishes/laundry/cooking blah blah

OP posts:

Original poster

mojoawol · 10/06/2013 15:49

It's all free Cogito - voluntary donations welcome but not imperative.

Saving me money in food bills for the duration too! There are benefits all round!

OP posts:

watervole61 · 10/06/2013 15:53

a bit more seriously, I used to teach yoga in London (which is why I was interested in your thread) and have been on meditation weeks etc including studying in the far east for 15 years. the best thing that comes out of it is that it can make you much calmer and reflective, maybe a bit better spiritually; it can be a wonderful to clear your head and get perpective; however, on other hand some people are very pretentious and then imagine themselves to have become superior enlightened beings and other, to use the Sanskrit term, crap.
you sounds like you are being contemptuous because you are a bit threatened or anxious about his retreat. why don't you try to be open minded and relaxed. maybe he will come back a bit better human being (and willing to do his fair share of housework which he should do) and that's all we can all ask for really.
maybe of course not, but treating his attempts, however silly, at personal development with contempt and thinking of him as a "twat"is just going to damage your relationship and is a one way ticket to the divorce courts

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/06/2013 15:55

It's all smoke and mirrors isn't it? Takes sustained effort, practise and repetition to get into a new habit. Application! A flashy 10 day retreat reminds me of the knob guy I knew that thought he'd take up golf, spent thousands on a top of the range set of clubs, clothes and lessons with 'the best pro in the business' but no time whatsoever on the driving range actually knuckling down and getting on with it.

Original poster

mojoawol · 10/06/2013 16:08

I'm really not being contemptuous. We have been having difficult times (hence the 'twat' references) and, as you say yourself some people 'imagine themselves to have become superior enlightened beings', hence the further potential for twat references.

I've been pretty magnanimous about him going, no controlling or pouting on my part, and certainly don't think him a twat for wanting to go on the retreat.

I'm just starting to turn my mind to when he returns and wondering which of the outcomes, if any, will arrive home.

If he is calmer, more reflective, and helpful around the house, then bloody marvellous. But, understandably I think, I don't want to be faced with a 'superior' being.

OP posts:

watervole61 · 10/06/2013 16:15

you might enjoy this...
watchdocumentary.org/watch/the-big-silence-video_b7dca5cff.html

rusticlanguage · 10/06/2013 16:18

Most people come out feeling humbler, happier and more determined to be a better person but of course once you start bumping up against real life again it can dissipate pretty quickly.

The crunch will be whether he has the discipline to continue with the meditation practice. The fact that he's been a few times seems to suggest he knows he's got a problem with the way he is.

watervole61 · 10/06/2013 16:23

well to think positively maybe the time apart might give you both a chance to think about whats gone wrong between you and you might be able to discuss things more easily or have more perspective. have you enjoyed having some time apart too maybe?
as rustic notes, its tough when you get back to the pressures and established patterns of your normal life and its easy to just get back into the rut you were trying to escape from.

McBalls · 10/06/2013 16:24

Watervole, op is saying quite clearly that the retreat itself, and her dh's spiritual leanings are not the concern - his attitude and their relationship is.

McBalls · 10/06/2013 16:26

X-post. Was responding to the posting of link after mojo explaining relationship problems.

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