DH on Vipassana retreat

[mojoawol]

Went last week for 10 day silent meditation retreat, due back on Sunday. He's done them before, but this is the first since we met.

Does anyone have any experience of what to expect when he returns? Am hoping it will have had a positive affect (ie, humbler, less confrontational etc), but concerned he might be a bit 'holier than thou'.

Any experiences would be interesting, all I can find via Google is first hand experiences

Oh God. Nothing beats the Buddhist/Hindu/eastern religious partner for banging head against the wall moments...an old ex was one of these. As much as I like the occasional bit of Tibetan Buddhist philosophy on my cornflakes, I find that the cliche is that people like this are preachy, dogmatic, extremely abstract, and don't really take ANY kind of action in the world. My ex was the full cliche of this type and used to go on the Vipassana retreats:

When I asked him to do some housework or if he might be open to having kids any time soon, he questioned the physical existence of the tumble dryer (apparently it was a 'perception' not a 'reality') and reminded me that his guru (there is always a guru, by the way) had advised non-attachment to all things and that included me... kids... material stuff (aka the hoover.) He spent his entire time talking about mind "states" rather than actual thoughts and feelings and he was only willing to discuss abstractions rather than actual concrete events.

Wow, moleavenger, he sounds really irritating!

Tim Parks wrote an interesting book (Teach Us to Sit Still) about his physical health problems and how vipassana helped his recovery. He didn't come across as twattish at all. If you take them seriously and do the work, retreats like that can be very hard work and challenging. I think it depends on the person really, how much change might be experienced.

OP would you find it helpful to post about the actual difficulties you face in your relationship? It sounds as though the retreat is not really the issue.

Hi OP, I did a 10 day vipassana just over two years ago. Very, very difficult. And very beneficial. But I don't think I could do another - I have since done a couple of three day retreats, which are far more bearable. Being stuck with just your own mind for company, with your own twattish shit endlessly stuck on loop, is very challenging. Many painful experiences rise to the surface in that time - stuff you've done, which you've conveniently forgotten about (or minimised), and stuff which has been done to you, which you need to let go of. For the first 5 days when the bell rang at 4am, all I could think was, 'Fuck.' It changed around the 6th day, as I got a bit better at the technique.

Don't expect a lasting behavioural shift. He may well be a bit softer and gentler when he gets home. But as someone said upthread, the retreat is just the beginning. 10 days is only just enough time to establish the technique. It's like having 10 days of intensive piano lessons, and then saying, 'Right, that's done!'

Can I ask those of you that have done it; whilst i have no issue with the practice and have been to a few meditation sessions myself (just hour at a time), it seems to me to be a very self indulgent and introspective practise. Does it help you to empathise more, and be more open to others' opinions?

It is introspective. It's not, in my experience, self-indulgent. Loads of people go to the gym - I just think they're mostly trying to stay healthy. Meditation is 'self-indulgent' in the same way. I feel it makes me healthier in my head, and, as a result, nicer to live and work with. Maybe your DH is finding living in his own head a pretty miserable experience at the moment. If he has been an arse to live with, he might know this, and be motivated to seek change.
But, as is found in all religions, there are people who do 'spiritual practice' for spurious reasons, and use it to provide a defence to charges of unreasonable behaviour by those close to them. I remember a thread a while back about woman whose GP husband attacked her. I remember one of her posts said they'd argued in the past about his constant use of meditation practice to avoid participating in domestic life/ childcare. At the very least I'd suggest he wasn't entering into his practice with 'right intention.'
In short, and to answer your question, I think (and so does DH!) that meditation makes me more empathetic, and more tolerant of all kinds of things. But that's because being a more empathetic and tolerant person is really important to me - it's why I'm working on it. I can be a nasty, short-tempered and irritable person. But I don't want to inflict that behaviour on other people. So I try and find the time to mediatate.

Thanks 1charlie, interesting - and encouraging.

I think dh is fairly aware of his own intolerance and other shortcomings so if it helps with that, then great.

mojoawol - so how was the retreat? Is your DH enlightened? :)

Think you all know what I' m going to say but here it goes anyway ... My DARLING exp of 5 weeks now went to a 'hippy spirit camp' in august and came back with a new yoga girlfriend after having a 'spiritual awakening'. You see he had to be with her as they've known each other in a previous life. (You can imagine the face I am pulling). Ok, I am not saying that this is going to happen to your bloke but mine certainly wrote inspirational things and loved the whole idea of meditation and mindfulness- but his penis is more powerful than his mind. He talked the talk but couldn't actually absorb , what I'm sure is a well meaning concept and beliefs system , into his life. So shacked up with someone who is a bit more spiritual than me hoping that she'll rub off on him (so to speak!). I certainly wasn't contemptuous as I felt it was his thing and he enjoyed it so i was very respectful. I only thought it was a load of twatty crap AFTER he told me about yoga lady. I hope he comes back refreshed and has missed you. Good luck

.. Oh and meditation is not good for my exp I think - way too much time spent looking at the inside of his own head and not enough time engaging with outside world. He is screwed up and bit interested in sorting his own issues out properly - a bit if therapy needed.

But if you're sorted and sensible I think it helps people have more empathy and understanding. He used to come home from meditation class all wound up coz he didn't like the way the teacher went on about karma.

Like I said, I think
He liked the idea. Putting it into
Practice is hard . Like most things.

he questioned the physical existence of the tumble dryer

I'm sorry, but I made a noise like a freshly enema'ed goose at that line.