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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left, how to tell the children?

52 replies

Feee · 03/02/2004 14:45

Hi I'm new here. Husband has just left, very much out of the blue - 3 children at home aged 7,6 and 1, all thought everyone was happy, no rows, no atmospheres, just happy families. No other woman, he just says he wants to be by himself. How to tell the children? Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
sykes · 03/02/2004 14:52

Fee. My h left about eight months ago. My children were then 3.5 and 18 months - so different ages. First, so sorry, must be a nightmare, hope you're getting support etc. If I can help in any way on that score, please let me know. I got my h to "tell" my elder dd - ie, sit down with her and explain what was happening - it was very difficult for her to understand. My younder dd there wasn't much point in telling her anything really. Elder dd still tries to persuade him to come home and both display anxiety symptons. They get constant reassurance, but elder dd is extremely angry. I'll post again in a bit - got a meeting - but wanted to reply asap. I am so sorry. Hope someone else replied who has experience with older children. Do they know at all?

Thomcat · 03/02/2004 14:54

jesus - ummm not sure just let me say how sorry I am first off.

Well, I haven't been in your situation but I have been in your childrens situation and all I can say from that point of view is that honesty is the best policy. My mum told me there wasn't anyone else and when my now step-father started coming over to the new house I was so angry that she'd lied.

I just also want to add for the little good that it will do that all parties in my situation are so much happier now and that everything really did turn out for the best.

i'm so sorry you are going through this though, especially as it was so out of the blue. I wish you lots of lucj and lots of love - Thomcat xx

motherinferior · 03/02/2004 14:55

First off,

I'm afraid I can't be very constructive on this one but I wanted to say you poor love. I wish I could give you a hug, except that I am running a rotten cold at the moment.

I am finding it hard to feel remotely sympathetic to your husband, so forgive me if I insult him inadvertantly. Is he expecting YOU to tell them? Because isn't this something he should tell them with you, maintaining some sort of idea of mutuality?

StressyHead · 03/02/2004 14:58

message withdrawn

Sonnet · 03/02/2004 14:59

i'm so sorry to read this

imo the onos on telling them should not fall on you alone. It is his decision and he should be the one to explain to the children - can you do it together ie get him to explain and you be there for the children??

I feel so much for you and the children as I'm writing this....

Blu · 03/02/2004 15:01

Feee, sorry it's such a horrible thing that has led you to MN, you must be so shocked and bewildered, as the children will be too. Is he planning to have contact with them? In which case, I think MotherInferior is right, he should tell them in the first place, perhaps. But this does not come from any experience of my own, just imagining how I might have felt when I was 7. Has he just left today?
Really, really sorry, this is a horrible thing for you to cope with. How are you?

turnupthebass · 03/02/2004 15:46

Is it definitely permanent or could it just be a temporary situation?
Seems very strange that there were no warning signs etc - and that everything seemed happy.

Did he not say if he at least intended to talk to the older two? Are they very close?

I too hope you find some good advice on here (I'm sure you will as there are definitely people in similar situations).

What an awful shock for you and for them.

spacemonkey · 03/02/2004 15:51

So sorry to hear about your situation feee X

I haven't been in a similar situation, so can't advise from experience. It might be a little easier if you yourself understood fully why your husband suddenly feels the need to be on his own. As turnupthebass said, do you think it's definitely a permanent separation?

Sorry I can't offer anything practical - just very sorry this is happening to you X

GenT · 03/02/2004 19:01

I am sorry, so sad. How are you coping? I have no experience so nt really helpful.

Jollymum · 03/02/2004 19:20

Feee, so sorry to hear this. Firstly, I have been in the situation where my ex-dh left, no warning, I too thought things were OK. Maybe I am being a little pessimistic but are you really sure there is no-one else. It may be that your Dh is suffering an age crisis, how old is he and how old are you? Sometimes men panic, and I am not being sexist, but if maybe you are both in your 30's, maybe he is working with really young girls and realising that he in now old enough to be their dad. I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES for him, before everyone jumps on me, just trying to find out both sides of the story. It is way too soon, unless he is really 100 percent serious to be telling the children about the split up. They probably won't notice just yet and it may give you time to think. There are so many posts on here about splitting up, children's access etc and people much more qualiified, if I can use that expression, to help you. How are things going day to day for you? Keep posting, mumsnetters are great and we will help all we can.

fio2 · 03/02/2004 19:38

in my experience, my mum made him tell us himself. First she said he wanted time away as he was depressed, then a couple of days later she made him tell us himself. I dont know whether your dh would do thisor not. Otherwise I would tell them them the truth, they will be upset anyhow but just be sympathetic to them - which i am sure you will be I am so sorry for you btw, you must be so upset

nutcracker · 03/02/2004 19:44

Hi, my mom and dad split up when i was 8, got back together again and then split up for good when i was 11. On both occasions they both told us together (my dad was leaving,but not through choice) so that was fair.
I think your h should tell them but you should be there to support your kids.
My biggest best tip is don't argue, bicker ,shout or scream in front of the kids as they will remember it. Sort things out between yourselves first.
Finally, i'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your kids, and i hope things get better for you all soon.

musica · 03/02/2004 20:17

Hi Feee and welcome! I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This is a good place for support though. I'm afraid I don't have any experience about this sort of thing, except that I would be straight with the children. I guess it would be ideal for both of you to be there when you tell them, but if that's not possible, I would just tell it how it is. At 7 and 6 they are probably old enough to understand a bit.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. I'm just so sorry that you have to go through this, and I hope things improve. xxx

Original poster
Feee · 03/02/2004 22:31

Thanks everyone for messages. Husband says he can't cope with family life but wants to live a few doors round the corner - so he can still be fully involved - without of course actually being fully involved. He's therefore happy to tell the children that he's moving out, but they needn't worry 'cos he'll be close by and they can see him as often as they want. I have other ideas naturally. How often is it best for the children, who love him dearly, to see him - without it doing my head in completely? What a mess.

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 03/02/2004 22:41

No experience of this Feee so can't help you there, but just wanted to send sympathy and support - please keep posting, you will get lots of practical and emotional support here, I'm only sorry its something bad that brought you to mumsnet

motherinferior · 04/02/2004 08:20

Outrageous. Out **ing rageous.

Sorry, I can't say anything at all constructive at the moment because I'm so angry on your behalf.

sykes · 04/02/2004 09:37

Fee, my h sees the girls five times a week and yes, it does my head in so I try to avoid seeing him. I work full time so during the week he has to visit while the nanny is there and before I get home. On Saturday mornings he usually takes them out - so there's minimum contact and on Sundays he's at the house - Sunday evenings. I either go to the gym/swim/skulk upstairs. Not ideal - the girls (well older dd) wants us all to play together, my h wants me to be nice to him (which, I know I should be, I try to be civil, but he's hurt us all so much being nice is not realistic for quite a while). It's horribly hard. Sorry, not much use but masses of sympathy. How are the children? And you, of course.

fio2 · 04/02/2004 09:39

Feee I have to agree with MI. That is terrible that he has left you for that reason. God you must be so angry. Its a good job your children have got a good mother like you.

Trifle · 04/02/2004 10:01

What a woss, bloomin great girls blouse. I'm highly suspicious of him wanting to move out as he cant take family life any more but wants to cherry pick the best bits of parenting. I dont understand his motives, I'm sure you dont and your children wont either. You cant just move out for absolutely no reason apart from the fact that you dont like being a parent which, as far as your children are concerned, means he doesnt like them. It's not as simple as just getting a place round the corner, how is it going to be funded for a start, is he going to provide a second home for them to stay, what about the finances etc. This jerk needs a short sharp shock. Tell him to get out and stay out until he cant sort his head out and decide what he wants. I think you all need time to let the dust settle and see where you go from here. He's obviously been thinking about it for some time and has it all worked out. Time will tell if there is someone else and my suspicious nature tells me that his motives are highly dubious. I think access should be fairly controlled and agreed in stone as you dont particularly want your children just popping round as and when they feel like it. Very difficult one, feel for you.

motherinferior · 04/02/2004 10:47

Yes, he can't just pop in as and when he feels like it.

I assume he's adamantly refusing any sort of Relate-type counselling? I have to say I think you should think about seeing a lawyer because of access, finances (good one on that, Trifle) and so on. I really hate the thought of him just dropping in and 'being daddy' and then going home. It will be so horrible for you all.

I don't feel up to family life myself most of the time - I bet most of us don't.

sykes · 04/02/2004 10:55

The problem is, being in a similar situation, although he was and is having an affair, that your children miss their father so much - it makes it very hard to get the balance right. I'm sure I haven't. But you don't want to deprive your children of contact - even though, I understand that he/my h isn't putting the children first and maybe creating an illusion of what is/will happen. sorry - as you can see I'm very confused eight months later. Sorry, Fee - it's your thread.

Blu · 04/02/2004 11:01

Well, there's a man Families Need Fathers can be proud of. Honestly, how does he think that someone with such a selfish attitude and complete disregard for any sense of responsibility can be any good role model at all?
I agree, get tough, very tough. Solicitor, money, strict access which suits YOU and makes a serious contribution to childcare if you need it. How does he plan to finance his two-household bachelor lifestyle???
Feee, I'm so sorry, this is a very difficult situation, and I suspect that it is going to get worse before it gets better. As others have hinted, it is unlikely that his abandonement of committment is only around the children. Don't do anything to make his life easier for him. If he's left the family, he's left: no cosy family occasions with extended family, being clear to his parents and relatives what a predicament he has left you in, everything.
Hugs and as much strength as we can wish you.

WideWebWitch · 04/02/2004 11:18

Hi Feee, just been looking for some sites that might help and found Helping children through divorce also, divorceaid although I haven't looked through it, some irritating quotes so might be pants, here's parentlineplus online and this looks like it has some useful links to the nspcc etc. HTH

fio2 · 04/02/2004 11:24

sorry to but in sykes but have you heard from FF?

sykes · 04/02/2004 11:27

She e-mailed me at the w/end - via a friend's pc. She sounded okay - plan to meet over Easter as I've rented a cottage up there - family and other friends up there so should be a laugh. I think we'll end up in a sorry state one night ..... I'm going to give her a call before the end of the week. Hopefully, she'll be back soon.