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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has left, how to tell the children?

52 replies

Feee · 03/02/2004 14:45

Hi I'm new here. Husband has just left, very much out of the blue - 3 children at home aged 7,6 and 1, all thought everyone was happy, no rows, no atmospheres, just happy families. No other woman, he just says he wants to be by himself. How to tell the children? Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:

Twinkie · 04/02/2004 11:28

I agree completely with Blu - you cannot do what he has and still expect things to go on hunky dory - not only has he hurt you but he is not actually giving you any decent reson and he is now expecting the burden of his children to fall on you (I mean it as in terms of doing most things with for them) because he just can't cope - How can you not want to bang his head against the wall and shout "wake up you complete penis!!!!!" - it does not work like that at all.

You get mean girl - and how about your feelings about all this - the kids will be ok as long as you are - how do you feel??

Sending you big hugs and all of my love.

fio2 · 04/02/2004 11:30

is it just to do with her connection then? I sent her an email a couple of days ago and she usually replies within a nanosecond - i was worried, glad she is ok. Bet you'll have a hoot, have a great time and a drink on me

Fee sorry for butting in on your thread

sykes · 04/02/2004 11:34

If she's anything like me she'll be so hurt and upset and in such a state of shock, yes probably angry, but completely devastated that it's hard to do anything - am sure she's looking after her children and that's (and her) all that matters now. Maybe I was very weak and pathetic but getting through the day was bad enough and I just hoped it was some kind of breakdown that could be resolved. HE is a selfish, immature, irresponsible twat - I agree - but her whole life (and her childrens' has just been pulled from underneath her - so I think even managing to post on here means she's doing well.

sykes · 04/02/2004 11:35

Not my thread - Fio - I'm butting in too. She'll be online again soon - and we'll definitely have at least one drink on you ....

Twinkie · 04/02/2004 11:55

I just thought it may be good for Feeee to talk about how she feels - I actually believe her sanity and health is more important than her worrying about what to tell the children - the coward has made the choice to leave he should tell them anyway.

sykes · 04/02/2004 12:04

I agree - I made my h tell my girls - well the three-year old, not that she really understand. My worries and feelings were so intertwined with worries and upset for the girls I didn't know where to start. I refused to see him for eight days - told the girls he was away on business. Sorry, Fee, I'm butting in. Really hope you're coping.

katierocket · 04/02/2004 12:20

fee, not had chance to read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating anything but just to say that agree with thomcat - please try and be as honest as possible with them. My Dad left when I was about 11 and it was all kept very secret from me. Reasoning was that it would stop me from getting to upset but the opposite was true.

Lots of hugs to you. Take care of yourself.

Lisa78 · 04/02/2004 12:22

Feee, you still there?

Original poster

Feee · 04/02/2004 13:04

Realised last night, for the children, must sensibly discuss the future and him seeing them - so phoned husband last night. He persistently refused to answer - then phoned this morning to tell me, he's taken a flat almost next door rent £620 pm (on net pay of £1400 pm now to share between us), that he wants to tell the children they can go round whenever they like and that 20 years on he never loved me properly anyway and that this life would not fulfill him into old age. Definitely no-one else yet. He says don't worry about money - it'll be fine - presumably he'll borrow and then when we sell the house, he can repay debt then. He said that when he made his one visit to explain things to the children, he couldn't go through with it, 'cos I didn't make things easy for him, by just sitting there quietly not saying anything. He wants to tell them either on his own, or with me helping him out saying it'll all be ok. If I say it's not what I want, only what he wants, it'll make him look like a total w*** he said and how could I do that to the children. Soon after, I finished the call saying I was no longer calm enough to continue but I did manage to avoid descending into abuse this time. He's blatantly miles from reality about how this is all going to be - and refuses to come to the house again 'cos it was too grim - he said.
I propose saying to the children that Daddy has decided he wants to live on his own, that I'm very upset about it and it's not what I want, but we'll now just have to get on with it as best we can. He wants me to say I'm ok about it. What do you think?

OP posts:

Twinkie · 04/02/2004 13:14

Do not lie to your children that will not help in the long run and you will onyl have to explain to them when they are older and call his bluff - go to the CSA to get him to pay what he has to - renting a flat won't be an option then I can tell you and you don't have to sell the house - where are you and the kids supposed to go FFS - he is a selfish arrogant wanker IMO - so what has your 3 kids and the last 20 years been about??

He is not really worried about looking like a wanker in terms of what it will do to the children either he is worried about the children actually realising what a wanker he is - he is a wanker.

I am soo cross for you - are you ok - is this how you are dealing with it - you seem very calm - I think you would probably get away with killing him and then claiming temporary insanity if need be.

motherinferior · 04/02/2004 13:36

I'm with Twinkie all the way. Why the fck should you sell the house? How is he justifying chucking his kids out of their home? And how the hell does he think he ISN'T being a total wanker? If you'd had a long difficult separation it might* be better to try and say you'd both reached a decision - but as things stand he's just decided that he doesn't like the setup so he's off.He is trying to make you lie, just to make himself feel better (and in the lalaland which he currently inhabits, I'd lay good money on him then thinking 'oh, no of course Feee doesn't mind, she said she didn't'. I would go with your original proposal. Kids aren't stupid; they'll see you're troubled (to put it mildly) in any case.

I too think you are being totally amazing. And if it were me I would have gone round and set fire to his dustbins by now.

motherinferior · 04/02/2004 13:37

And I didn't mean that smiley either.

WideWebWitch · 04/02/2004 13:42

I'm wondering if you can freeze his assets? I'm trying to find out more and will post if I do but maybe you could start by making sure his access to any joint accounts etc is limited, if possible? I realise it may not be but it seems to me that he isn't in a position to spend £620pcm on a flat when he only earns £1400 net a month and still has to support you and the children. But he truly is in Lala Land and doesn't seem to be grasping this fact. I agree with Twinkie and MI: don't lie for him. He made his bed, he can bloody well lie in it.

katierocket · 04/02/2004 13:43

what a t*er Fee. How dare he suggest that you were being difficult by just sitting there quietly not saying anything?!
He does sound VERY far removed from reality. Poor you. How unfair. Have you spoken to a solicitor yet?

aloha · 04/02/2004 15:52

He's gone mad! He clearly can't afford this flat and you shouldn't lose your home just because he's gone stark staring loony. Does he realise that the house won't be sold and he won't get half of the value? That you will be entitled to stay in the house until the children have leave home and he has to support them?
Don't stop him seeing the kids just to punish him (tempting and understandable as that would be because it sounds as if that would hurt the children most of all. But I can totally understand you don't want him popping around all the time when he's being so horrible and unreasonable and cruel to you. I think it is fine to say, Daddy decided he wanted to live on his own. If he won't go to counselling, I despair. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. "can't cope the family life' - what a twat.

Blu · 04/02/2004 15:54

Feee, please do not entertain ideas of selling the house, not while it is home to you and the children. If he is moving so fast, spending money on flats without any kind of financial consultation with you, PLEASE seek urgent legal / financial advice. Do you still have any jpint savings or current accounts? Empty them before he does!

I can see that you have a dilemma: as from now you are the only solid rock in the childrens lives, and it won't help if they see that rock crumble and have no control over what happens to them. However, I don't see why you should be party to wnat is in effect a whitewash of what he has done. Perhaps you could say you loved Daddy very much, but although daddy loves them, he doesn't want to live in the family home, you are very sad about it too, but you will look after them and the four of you will be all right.?

He really does sound as if he is on another planet. Do you think he is having some kind of breakdown or crisis? Would you want him back if a short sharp shock changed his mind? Has he been messing about? Discovered he is gay? It's so bizarre.

Bugsy2 · 04/02/2004 16:36

Yet another stunningly selfish man. Feee, I am so sorry to hear of your dilema. My H has also rented a flat locally (he had an affair) and dips in and out of our children's lives as and when he chooses.
I would take legal advice immediately. Do not even contemplate the sale of your home and definitely DO NOT mention it to your H at this stage.
I think you are dealing incredibly well. I imagine you are probably in shock still at this stage. Your H will say all sorts of stuff about the "state" of your marriage in order to justify his actions and it will not necessarily be true or related to reality.
Please go and see a lawyer very, very quickly. At this stage, why not just tell the children that Daddy is staying somewhere else for a while to sort things out.
Huge cyber hugs to you.

spacemonkey · 04/02/2004 18:28

Feee, just want to echo what everyone else has said. It makes my blood boil just reading about the way your husband is behaving! Agree with bugsy about what to tell the children and getting legal advice asap. You must be in shock - don't agree to anything without legal advice!

ponygirl · 04/02/2004 21:32

Hi Feee, just wanted to say how furious I am on your behalf and send you much love and support. There's great advice on here - I can't think of anything to add, but wanted to throw in extra moral support. I think you're holding things together brilliantly, good for you. Your children are so lucky to have you. Please keep posting. xxx

bloss · 05/02/2004 02:05

Message withdrawn

motherinferior · 05/02/2004 08:12

I told my (male) dp about this last night. He looked despairing and said 'bloody infantile'. And he is not exactly Mister New Man.

tigermoth · 05/02/2004 09:52

I agree with bugsy, see a lawyer asap and tell your children that daddy is staying somewhere else for now. Then see what knowledge the next weeks bring with them. Fee I am so sorry this is happening to you, so out of the blue.

Your dh is playing a cruel game with you - trying to put you all in a box so he can take you out and put you back at will. When he makes his coments about the state of your marriage or requests concessions, don't give him an answer - tell him your are so shocked you'll have to think about it.

Other people here have said he could have another woman in his life and I have to say I think it's a distinct possibility. Going on my experience with boyfriends,(pre children) and seeing friends with children having husbands who leave there's nearly always a woman in the background. Could he be trying to leave 'nicely' rushing you into being 'fine' about it, so he can then say in a few months time 'oh, by the way, I'm seeing someone else'. Perhaps that someone else gave him an ultimatum - 'leave your wife or I go' and he's now following it through.

He sounds like he's got an agenda of some sort (the above is only a guess) and I don't think you know all of it. I really feel for you.

I don't like the way he's saying he will visit you frequently to see the children. If he lives so close, why can't they visit him so then you have some space to yourself ? See his reaction if you keep vague about visit times - say - 'I'll pop the children round at the weekend, since you're so close we'll leave the time loose, it you're in, you're in, if not we'll come back later'. If this throws him into a panic, what is it about his domestic arrangements that he has got to hide? Who exactly is paying for this flat - is it just hom or is he sharing the cost with someone else? In your position I'd try to surprise him, see what's really going on here. He has either gone bonkers (another possibility) or IMO you are getting an extremely edited version of the truth.

StressyHead · 05/02/2004 10:38

message withdrawn

binkie · 05/02/2004 21:46

Feee, have just run this by dh (psychologist). He says classic nervous breakdown/cry for help territory. Lawyer for you, yes, but medical intervention for him. Don't know if dh's right, he isn't always, but thought I'd add the idea.

And tons of sympathy for you xx

motherinferior · 06/02/2004 14:23

Feee, thinking of you.

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