Thank you Custardo. I am going to paste the letter I gave him, not sure why as it's long, so i'm not expecting anyone to read it!!
I've replaced the names.
Dear X,
I feel that our relationship has reached the end of the line. I can no longer tolerate your abusive behaviour. It IS abusive.
You have told me that you don?t know when you are being abusive. This is not true. You do know when you are upsetting me. It is those time that you get even angrier with me. I tried to discuss your lack of empathy with you, telling you that you did not get upset when you upset me, you said that you did. You said that you got upset when I went on at you, and when this (potential split) happened. I continued to try to explain what I meant and you could not understand that one might actually feel upset and having upset another. I believe that you still do not really understand this. I don?t think that I can help you with your lack of empathy. I am your wife, not a psychologist, or counsellor.
Your aggression scares and upsets me. I am definitely not a high maintenance person. I am very independent, and don?t ask for much. I know that. You get particularly angry if I ever you?re your care or consideration. You insisted that you needed all of the lights on, the blinds up and the radio (louder than normal) on when I had a full blown migraine. You did not come home when our beautiful child was very sick, then walked in very drunk repeatedly calling me a c*nt. What I find particularly concerning is that you have been at your most aggressive, hateful and belittling and exploitative when I was heavily pregnant. I have read that this sort of abuse can lead to violence. Your behaviour is sadistic. Again, you scare me. It is not right for a child to be in this environment.
You are rarely nice, in fact only properly OK when, as now, I really stand up for myself and say that I want ?out?. It is then that you suddenly find your nice side. On Tuesday you brought an unexpected gift, and made dinner. You told me that it was the least you could do. No, ?it? (being ordinarily nice and cooking dinner, or any equivalent day-to-day chore) is the least you should do regularly, not just when you sense that divorce might be on the cards.
You are completely unpredictable. I have learnt to think extremely carefully before speaking. The idea of upsetting someone inadvertently has always worried me. You often have a total meltdown, or shout, sneer, walk off, or just snap and say horrible things for no real reason. In the past this has happened when I have:
? Asked if you heard about a news story
? Said that the train was crowded
? Said I have had a lovely/tiring/interesting/stressful/relaxing/long/short day
? Asked you how you are
? Asked you how your day/interview/meeting/evening went
? Asked you what you think of a new dress
At other times you have has a complete meltdown because I haven?t asked you how your day/interview/meeting/evening went.
You have meltdowns of varying degrees EVERY DAY
I spend my life walking on egg shells then trying to work out what it is I said, or wishing I had though more carefully and got it right this time.
You often tell me that I have misunderstood things or just don?t get things. You laugh, sneer or shout at me if I don?t know things. You claim to respect me at other times and say that I am highly intelligent. It is so unpredictable that it leaves me feeling very insecure. If you ask a slightly ambiguous question and my answer does not match the one you were expecting you can have a total meltdown, or shout, sneer, walk off, or just snap and say horrible things.
You often say word or phrases that you know will upset me, and that you know I will find offensive. If I do rise to it, you will call me (often shouting, with significant levels of aggression) a variety of names, from boring, sour-faced, other less savoury terms etc. If I don?t react, you will do the same thing, only with more aggression. You know that these things will upset me. I will never find degrading words for people with special needs, certain ethnic groups, gay people, or basically any minority funny. You know this, yet you continue to try to get a rise from me virtually every day.
You regularly make very unpleasant put-downs. I find mixing with others ? something central to my work- increasingly difficult. The other day it dawned on me that a lot of this was due to the regular put-downs I get from you that are meant to ?better? me. These have included:
? Telling me that my breath regularly smells but that you don?t always tell me ? leaving me feeling very paranoid. You then make fun of me whenever I ask if my breath does smell ? refusing to answer and saying that it is my catchphrase ? I am forced to laugh this off or trouble will ensue
? Telling me that my expression/face/posture looks weird
? Telling me that you find the way I sit/eat/drink offensive for a range of varying reasons
You sometimes make jokes at my expense. These are usually quite offensive e.g. comparing me to a range of ugly people/animals ?I am forced to laugh this off or trouble will ensue as I ?can?t take a joke?. These ?jokes? are not funny, as they are intended to cause hurt.
To not be available is often just not worth it. You complain if I talk on the ?phone to my family and say that?s all that I ever do. When our beautiful child was a baby, you used to sneer and shout that all I ever did was breastfeed that bloody baby.
I have squirmed on countless occasions as you have put me down, or just been plain rude to me in front of my family, and some (not all) friends. I have also been really upset when you have, on many occasions, got people to side with you and join in your taunts.
You have regularly told me that it is my problem. You use gas-lighting a lot. You deny that you have said and done things. You tell me I am imagining things. You say that I am over-sensitive/have no sense of humour/ am po-faced or boring.
I am in the middle of a very unhealthy relationship with someone who is abusive on a daily basis; someone I am regularly scared of; someone who claims to love and respect me, but who shows me barely any respect or love.
I don?t like the way you sometimes grab and manhandle me. Sometimes it makes me feel scared.
We sold my flat, and I have no details of any of the accounts. I asked the other day and you shouted at me telling me I could get all of the information if I needed it. The whole time that I was the sole earner, you insisted that I pay large of sums to you, so that you could manage our finances. This has left me with very little money on many occasions ? you do know this. I have paid off all of your debts. You have been very aggressive towards me when you have felt that I was not giving you sufficient money.
You claimed about two years ago that you had no idea when you were upsetting me and I should tell you as I am obviously very sensitive ? nobody else had apparently had problems with you, and it was all my fault. I began to try to tell you. I got more blame and aggression directed towards me. You regularly blame me for your behaviour, in fact you did so for most of Sunday.
I have been blamed for your meltdowns for many reasons. These include:
? Leaving items in the sink
? Using my fork incorrectly
? Breathing too loudly
? Telling you that I am upset
? Waking up early and lying awake
? Waking up early and getting up rather than staying in bed
? Being too happy
? Feeling down
? Being too quiet
? Being too loud
I have tried for years to be the perfect girlfriend then wife. It is just not possible ? anything and everything can set you off.
Often if I try to stand up for myself, you will be aggressive, and then walk off. You do this at home, but have also done it in various other places
One thing that really scares me is your recklessness. If I ask you to slow down or be careful, you will speed up and drive dangerously, then blame me for telling you how to drive. You put our beautiful child in danger and blamed me for telling you to be careful. It is twisted. I find this side of you terrifying.
My self esteem was, until very recently very low. Made lower for the fact that I have been searching for reasons as to why I have felt the way I do ? blaming myself, looking for faults.
You make it confusing, as you also say nice things, and things that seem to be positive, but there is often a sting in what you say. E.g., you?d be so much better if you ? dressed better, looked more confident, didn?t have smelly breath, didn?t say silly things or spoke properly.
You often pick moments such as ? when I am about to leave for work/when we are about to go out, to tell me I look awful/ laugh at my appearance. At other times you will say nice things. If I ever complain that you are being unnecessarily unpleasant, you will be able to say ?last week I said you looked nice?. There are generally many more negative comments, than positive.
It has got to the point that I can almost hear you laughing at me, or insulting the way I look if I go shopping. I have very little confidence about the way I look, and the fact that you regularly tell me that I eat too much and that I am fat.
I used to do ALL of the housework whilst working up to 50 hours a week. At its worst, I was 6 months pregnant, walking and taking public transport to and from work, doing the shopping, cleaning and cooking. You did not have a job at this time. Your anger and aggression were so upsetting for me that it was better to do all of this than ask you to even put one cup in the dishwasher.
You now work, so have less spare time. However, I still do the majority of things.
When you want something, you will not take no for an answer. you will ignore answers that you don?t like and you will ask again and again, each time insisting that it is up to me and that you are not trying to put pressure on me, however, if I decide to do anything other than what it is you want, you will manage to be so difficult and stroppy that it is not worth it.
You constantly claim that I have removed you friends. I stopped coming out with you because alcohol makes you worse. You would be the life and jolly soul, then manage to insult me, upset me telling me that I was boring everyone, that I looked and sounded dull, nobody wanted to hear what I had to say. You would manage do this without anyone else hearing. You claim this has stopped. You were quite bitchy to me fairly recently. It has only lessened because I don?t come out much.
You often telling me that I don?t get on with my family. You know that my family, as with all others has its ups and downs, but you constantly try to drive a wedge between us.
I used to believe that if only I tried a bit harder, it would be OK. I did really think that it was all my fault..
It is making me very sad, and I don?t see why I should have to put up with daily abuse from someone. The main reason, however, that I want out of this is that it fills me with utter horror to think that given our relationship as an example, one day Our beautiful child might end up with someone like you, and go though what I have been through. I know that, my childhood experiences have led me into several abusive relationships. I can not allow that to happen to our beautiful child.