Affairs are abuse

[Wellwobbly]

'Its not 'Just an Affair

Sustaining an affair involves the emotional manipulation and psychological control of another person. A person who trusts and relies on you. At the beginning, it?s constructing and controlling an alternate reality, where you aren?t where you say you are and you?re not with who you say you?re with. Then it progresses to smoke-screening: ?we?re just friends?, ?there?s nothing going on? or ?I wouldn?t do that to you?. And then, at the risk of discovery, desperation creeps in and it becomes mind games: ?no, you must be imagining things?, ?don?t be silly?, ?you don?t know what you?re talking about? or ?you must be crazy?. At this point you might also pick fights or find fault with your partner to create conflict or emotional distance so you can justify to yourself the feelings you are developing for someone else.

But your words don?t fit right, don?t make sense and you can?t look your partner in the eye. Its little signs such as these, a change, a ?differentness,? a ?not rightness?, that your partner has noticed. At first they dismissed them, preferring to trust you, but then their intuition started setting off warning bells. They ignored these for a while, because they wanted to continue believing you. And then there were some clear signs they just couldn?t ignore any more, the item of clothing left in the car, the newly purchased underwear, the late night phone calls. Maybe they confronted you and maybe you denied it, maybe this happened several times, but at some, final point they are forced to make the world-splitting choice: am I going crazy or are you having an affair? Am I losing my mind or am I losing you?

Cultivating an alternate reality so an affair can continue undiscovered destroys, amongst many other things, the cheated party?s perceptiveness, intuition, confidence and, more than their trust in you, their trust in their own senses. Trust is the foundation of relationships. It is also the foundation for mental health and emotional wellbeing. In sustained affairs, sex is not the hardest thing to get over; it?s the deeper and more long-term affect of having to put the pieces of your intellect and your shattered self-esteem back together and learn to trust yourself again.

Both mind games and emotional manipulation are forms of domestic abuse. Sustained affairs are covert, insidious abuse that has dire consequences for families and yet it?s also the sort of abuse that can be minimized, condoned or even glorified in the media. It?s the sort of abuse that is commonly ?blamed on the victim?: it happens because of a woman?s ?declining interest in sex?. Psychological and emotional abuse are forms of domestic violence and include humiliation, contempt and controlling behaviours. Affairs involve all of these. Acts of omission are also included in one definition. In Hurting Without Hitting: Non-physical Contact Forms of Abuse, Laurie Mackinnon lists: withholding necessary information, refusing to communicate for extended periods, ignoring the other person?s attempts to interact, failure to confirm the other person?s feelings or needs and failure to show appropriate affection or love.

Advertisement
Mental and emotional abuse has an effect on physical health. Infections and stress related illnesses are commonplace as are driving accidents due to distraction. One woman I know of recently went though a red light ? with her two children in the back seat - after her husband had just disclosed his affair. Those who are psychologically abused are at risk of anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Emotional abuse in the form of rejection leads to feelings of shame and the powerlessness that comes from losing control of your life to helplessness and depression. I know of both women and men who have thought about or attempted suicide after they found out about a partner?s affair.

Having sex unknowingly with a trusted partner who has been having sex, protected or not, is a sexual violation, a form of sex abuse. When they find out, many women feel as if they have been raped by their partner; had they known of the affair, there is no way the sex would have been consented to.

If the ?third party? is knowingly involved in the affair, then they are collaborating in the mental, emotional and sexual abuse of another. If they do not know that the person they are involved with is leading a double life, if they have been informed the person is ?separated? before the partner they are supposedly ?separated from?, then they are being abused also.

All affairs leave marks, particularly those that entail psychological and emotional control and manipulation. You might not be able to see them, but they are black and blue.'

Elly Taylor is a relationship counselor and the author of Becoming Us, Loving, Learning and Growing Together, the Essential Relationship Guide for Parents.

I think abuse is overstating it because I don't believe people always have affairs or lie about affairs in a deliberate attempt to hurt their partner. If they did, then they wouldn't go to great lengths to keep the thing secret. I believe the motivation is usually far more selfish, impulsive and 'careless' in the literal sense of the word, thoughtless if you prefer. The hurt, betrayal & damage of discovery is undeniable but I think that tends to be the unintended consequence rather than the sole purpose of the behaviour.

.... should add. There are undoubtedly some abusive people for whom carrying on affairs either covertly or openly is part of a bigger strategy of deliberately offensive behaviour. However, I don't think it's as simplistic as to say that everyone who ever has an affair is therefore automatically abusive.

Every thing is abuse now. Or against human rights. I get fed up with lazy usage of words in that media way. It's just yawn inducing when really I should end up caring in some way.

I think there is generally no original intent to be abusive, but the effects might well be.

I honestly think we expect too much of our partners. Humans are fallible. Longterm monogamy is an ideal which may not be realistic for many.
Average lifespan of a marriage historically was only 15 years due to earlier death. Historically also we would not have been confined in a nuclear family but in a psychologically more healthy extended family/village community.

That is not to say at all that I am condoning cavalier, unkind, abusive treatment or dishonesty.

Erm... you are not quite getting it. Heiress, you clearly haven't been betrayed if you find it all a yawn. One thing I assure having your trust shattered isn't, and that is a yawn.

You are all confusing INTENTIONS with CONSEQUENCES. A person might not MEAN to be hurtful, but does that make it all OK? Parents/spouses who rant and beat their children/spouses do not mean to be bad parents or people, they minimise or deny the impact of what they are doing, they say the child/spouse 'drove them to it'; but it is still abusive. Why are you making the severe unlove that is cheating, a different category?

The fact that such lengths of secrecy and deceit are gone to, means they know it is hurtful - and decide the risks of rendering you inconsequential are worth it.

There is a lot of aggression in cheating ('take that'! 'fuck you!'), which is not being acknowledged here.

To have an affair is an active choice NOT to have an open relationship. It is to maintain an advantage over someone you are deceiving: in order to have the advantages of marriage, whilst having your split thrill on the side.

That is abusive.

My husband's revealing of himself to be someone I do not know at all, that he is not capable of mature love and that I made a mistaken choice, is the most traumatic thing that has ever and will ever happen to me (and I have watched people die in front of me, and I had awful parents). It wasn't an act of nature, like a hurricane or death or cancer, it was deliberate act of severe unlove towards ME and my children. It is very, very personal. No one will ever hurt me like that again, because no one ever had or will have my trust or my heart.

You can tell me I am overreacting all you like, but what I felt was real. It was an attack. There was a slim carving knife in my back all the way to my heart and it was agony.

An affair is an affair.

Abuse is abuse.

The two can be combined but they don't have to be. And I don't see how it is in anyway helpful to apply the abuse label to every affair.

I agree OP, yes affairs are abuse,.

The cheated on spouce is abused too if the person the cheating spouce is having an affair is aware.

"A person might not MEAN to be hurtful, but does that make it all OK?"

Not at all. I've been where you are and I know perfectly well how appallingly hurtful it is to discover you've been lied to and betrayed. It's not overreacting at all. It's very personal and visceral. But causing someone else great pain through your actions is really not the same thing as abuse. You say yourself, he wanted the advantages of both marriage and an illicit affair. That was the driver.... selfish pleasure, instant gratification, 'having cake and eating it' .... i.e. all very egocentric rather than to deliberately bring you low. If the reference to 'take that, fuck you!' means he behaved aggressively and treated you badly as a matter of course then what you've got an abusive man having an affair. If he rubbed your nose in the affair that would be also different to you finding out accidentally.

Not as simplistic as the article is making out.

Op, really sorry to hear about your husband's behaviour. If this is recent and/or unfinished business, why not start a thread directly about that, your understandable rage/hurt/sense of betrayal ???

Don't think anyone meant to downplay what you're rightfully thinking. Just your OP was on affairs in general and theorising on this so responses have been also.

Thanks, Salbertina for that point.

I suppose what I was thinking of is that affairs still aren't really understood (their motivations, the character of the person choosing this option, the impact on the spouse) which all adds up to a lot of dysfunction and actually ISN'T accidental. They don't 'just happen'.

Only therapists who deal with affairs seem to talk about how traumatic they are.

In RL it is all minimised a bit.

Wobbly.....I've been on your past threads, and appreciate that you are now trying in some way to empower yourself after what your twat of a husband did to you.....

I'm not sure though that one thread after another evangelicising your point of view now you've changed it is helping you.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I'm guessing some amateur psych has told you to write it all down somewhere.....is it helping? Really?

I'm finding your posts are revealing that you are very hurt still, and given that when you first discovered your husband's fuckwittery you were going against general MN wisdom on how to deal with it, a bit uncomfortable reading somehow.

You just seem that you want everyone to agree with you suddenly after you yourself spent so long telling everyone they were wrong.

(I do agree with you btw, I do think partners who have affairs are bloody abusive)

I hope you find some peace now. x

Is starting a discussion evangelising? I thought it was starting a discussion.

I wanted to say, 'I experienced my betrayal as a frank trauma, and here is an article that makes this point [which I find quite comforting as my H has told me I am crazy and the cause of all the problems now]'

It must be the way I speak that annoys people. No wonder he had an affari. Sorry, and I will bow out.

"Only therapists who deal with affairs seem to talk about how traumatic they are"

That's plainly untrue. But 'trauma' and 'abuse' are not the same.

I think the article makes some good points!

It's crazy how you have to reevaluate the timespan of the affair and also how you perceive things because clearly your perception isn't all that if you can miss the deception completely. All your trust is destroyed. You suddenly realise that you can't really trust anyone because it is so easy to pretend to be someone else.

I think you're right.

The thing is Wobbly, you can move on from this. You say you plan to.

So move on. Is there anything left to say about what happened?

The stuff worth talking about now for you is "what next".

Because if as you say you plan to leave, then what happens next to you is what is worth focussing on. The rest is just history.

" my H has told me I am crazy and the cause of all the problems now"

That's potentially abusive.... We are none of us perfect but to blame other people for our imperfections rather than hold up our hands and take responsibility for our actions, that's cowardly.

Possibly the blow to the self esteem and confidence is the cruel twist that makes having a partner having an affair so devastating. Losing a partner when they die, losing a partner because of an agreed divorce are all awful things to live through but when you are apparently shown by the partner to be lacking (by their unfaithfulness) in some way and humiliated by the deceptions etc it has a deeper effect on your psyche (if that is the right word) and is, possibly, harder to recover from. You have to refind your self and your dignity and your confidence which is likely to be a long process.
So perhaps some counselling or support to refind yourself and rebuild your self-esteem, OP, would help you recover.

I agree with some of the article. I also think that when one's partner has had an affair you do tend to keep trying to label the behaviour or even to understand why it happened. It is natural as the betrayal is so hurtful it is the only way to understand the behaviour. So I'm badly wording this but I can see where the Op is coming from by going over the circumstances .

Abuse is correct - the lying and deceit is abuse. But the person having the affair probably couldn't care a less!

I agree with you Wobbly

Affairs are an abuse of trust. Often an abuse of power. If you look at the definition of the word abuse it generally refers to causing harm to another. Mental, physical or psychological.

Whilst there may not initially be intent to harm, it is a natural consequence and can easily be forseen. No steps are taken to prevent harm and the choice to risk harm is a definite and deliberate one.

Affairs happen for lots of reasons. A lot of the time their are problems within the marriage that are not dealt with and ignored. In the end someone has an affair. Then the person left behind feels betrayed of course. They feel wronged. But are they always innocent? Have they in some way let the downfall of their marriage happen. Have they not listened when their partner has expressed unhappiness or dissatisfaction in any way. Have they ignored requests. Have they stopped growing as a person and the relationship has become stale. Sometimes affairs, although one of the most painful things to ever experience end up being the very thing that awakens you. Changes you, makes you grow and see the world in a different way. Not always bad. A lot of people do get back together and repair the marriage after an affair and a lot of talking is done and relationships can be rebuilt and renewed and be a more grown up, real, exciting partnership can evolve.

I think you will get a lot of responses Rulesgirl pointing out that a lot of the time there are no problems in the marriage unless you think having to care for demanding small DCs and maintain a busy household is a problem. The affair can be a light relief from the responsibilities of adult life where the marriage is happy.

Sometimes affairs are part of an overall pattern of abusive behaviour.

Sometimes they aren't.

I'm more interested in a partner's response to it though. Because the OP's actions are the only thing she's got any control over.

Having just written about this subject on another thread, in my limited observation, the women who end up either taking the blame for it or alternatively, analysing it to death when the one who's cheated does fuck all, are the ones who get cheated on again and end up miserable shells of the women they once were.

Whereas the ones who insist on the cheater owning his shit and who refuse to be in a relationship with him unless he does, are happier either on their own or in the original relationship.

Yes sometimes affairs are totally premeditated as a bit of fun and I think that's worse. Then you are totally in control and are choosing to hurt someone. But a lot of the time there are problems in the marriage and they are not sorted until an affair happens and then the problems are brought to light. Affairs happen but not usually in marriages where both parties are totally happy within their relationship.

I completely disagree with that RulesGirl.

I know a woman who has turned herself inside out trying to be the perfect DP after her DP cheated. He said his reasons for cheating were that she didn't want sex at night (she was knackered because he's a lazy pornhound who stays up late) and had got boring and frumpy.

She's spent the past year waxing and primping herself to extinction, watching revolting porn with her DP, having more sex than she wants or enjoys and has spent hours listening to his boring conversations about work and football.

Rumour has it he's cheating again. Go figure.