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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advise needed re Asian Muslim family situation

37 replies

Twopointfourkids · 08/06/2013 18:24

I come from a family of atheist Asians. There are lots if inter marriages and divorces in my family. I was married to a non Muslim for a while and the Divorced.

Now I am married to an atheist man that comes from ultra conservative Muslim family. I live I'm their country. I have been married for a while and have children. My in laws hated me initially because I do not practice Islam and their culture - in their family women do not work and rarely get an education whereas I am highly educated and outgoing. Over last few months we have been getting on ok as I have been giving them money and doing things for them - without changing myself much.

So now here is the issue I need advise on - they have found out that I was married and divorced before. How do I handle this? I haven't seen them since their discovery. There are some members if the family that hate me and I am sure they will count this as an unforgivable crime. They will look down in me, make snide comments and try and get my husband to see me in negative light.

OP posts:

Original poster

Twopointfourkids · 08/06/2013 18:26

Sorry typing from mobile so lots of typos.

OP posts:

Lweji · 08/06/2013 18:30

You can't change your situation, so hold your head up high and be your nice self.
If they hate you it's their problem.

Royalmailer · 08/06/2013 18:30

Can you come back to the UK?

Which country do you live in? Ie is it an overwhelmingly Muslim country, or more mixed?

I can't see any way that they will come round to your way of thinking, unfortunately, so there's no point trying.

Tricky situation, I do feel for you.

Royalmailer · 08/06/2013 18:32

Just saw that your husband is atheist- good, that makes it a hell of a lot easier.

Just don't see them? It could be nice to not feel the waves of disapproval coming from them any more!

Royalmailer · 08/06/2013 18:32

And why are you giving them money?

Original poster

Twopointfourkids · 08/06/2013 18:58

My husband knew about my ex all along. He is acting bizarre too worried about what to say to his family.
Where we live is over 99? Muslims. I need to stay here for work, can't just leave. Also an imminent wedding at in laws so can't avoid seeing them. The haven't said much yet but I dread seeing them. I am panicking.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 08/06/2013 19:01

Why are you panicking? You did nothing wrong or illegal - you got divorced, that is all. If they have a problem with it, then that's their issue and you must not let yourself be brow beaten by them. Are you safe? That is the main thing.

Tryharder · 08/06/2013 19:03

Being divorced is not un-Islamic.

I would pretend nothing happened and if questioned, say you prefer not to talk about it. Surely your DH should field any questions.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 08/06/2013 19:03

Do you feel that your safety is at risk in any way?

gorionine · 08/06/2013 19:11

Divorce in Islam is permissible , you have done nothing wrong. I do not know about the cultural aspect of it though.

Original poster

Twopointfourkids · 08/06/2013 19:23

Divorce s permissible but marrying a non Muslim isn't. I will try and get some sleep now (different time zone). Hope I can keep my cool.

OP posts:

gorionine · 08/06/2013 20:04

Twopoints Not sure I do understand the issue anymore, I come from a family of atheist Asians . Are you a Muslim (by that I mean your name is a Muslim name) that is atheist or an Asian that was never a Muslim (might have a Sikh name) and is an atheist? Sorry to be stuck on details but I think it might make quite an important difference in terms of how your in laws perceive the situation.
Also, Divorce s permissible but marrying a non Muslim isn't Are you worried because you ex husband was non Muslim or because your current husband is married to a non Muslim (you)? Do your in laws think you are Muslim?
If your husband seems worried about what to tell to his family, has he been able to tell you exactly what is worrying him? Are you certain it is because of you previous marriage?

sonu678 · 08/06/2013 20:10

what lweji said. you have nothing to be ashamed of.

HollyBerryBush · 08/06/2013 20:20

Was your first husband Mulsim? and were you married within the Islamic faith?

Moominsarehippos · 08/06/2013 20:32

This isn't a religious thing, but a cultural. My muslim ILs have only treated me and my family with love and respect - never once on over 20 years has it been any issue. They are, though, very educated and travelled - and religious too. I'm assuming they don't know he is an athiest?

You have done nothing wrong, they sound like a right bunch. Is there any way you can return home? This atmosphere will drag you down over time.

lljkk · 08/06/2013 20:50

Your husband should be standing up for you in No Uncertain Terms and putting them in their place. It's a patriarchal culture and if he stands behind you 100% that's half the battle. Tell him to find his cojones.

Original poster

Twopointfourkids · 08/06/2013 21:38

Sorry if I was unclear. My husband and I are rest if my family are all atheists. However, we are all born in Muslim culture. Here in this country leaving Islamic faith carries death penalty. Therefore we are not openly atheists.

My worry us that my ex was obviously non Muslim and my in laws and rest of the people I know here would strongly disapprove. In Islam it is not allowed for a Muslim woman (which they think I am) to marry a non Muslim man.

So I either out myself as an atheist and say I married a non Muslim and divorced OR I will be seen as a bad Muslim for doing so and vilified.

I can't sleep it is late o'clock here.

OP posts:

PointeShoes · 08/06/2013 21:46

Death penalty! I didn't know that. This sounds serious, I think you need to put you and your families safety first, even if that means keeping up a front and possible lying. I really don't know what to suggest, but hopefully someone will come along soon to help. If It was me I wouldn't want to stay in a country like that, but then you have work.

SirChenjin · 08/06/2013 21:48

What - the death penalty for leaving Islam?? Seriously?? Is there no other work elsewhere you could do elsewhere? Sorry I can't be more help

OddSockMonster · 08/06/2013 21:51

Just on the outing yourself as an aethiest option - would that make it potentially dangerous for you? Would your in laws 'grass you up' as it were?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 08/06/2013 22:14

So your safety is in some way compromised. Leave as soon as you can and get back to safety. Fuck the job.

Moominsarehippos · 08/06/2013 22:20

Ah yes, the 'loving' face of religion. Some places yes, there is the death penalty for changing/leaving the faith. I suspect given the nature of the family's animosity towards you, they are now above blackmail with this gem.

Please seriously consider your safety, and that of your husband before you make your next move. Have you a 'tame' mullah you can consult with?

Royalmailer · 08/06/2013 22:24

God yes, please leave asap. Nothing's worth that. Are there visa issues?

SquinkiesRule · 09/06/2013 04:25

Come back to UK with your Dh where you can both be atheists without worry.

Snuffleupicus · 09/06/2013 05:08

How did they find out? Do they definitely know your ex was non Muslim?
Is that the issue here? If they don't know about that bit then you aren't outed?
Or can you go with the I was a bad Muslim but I have seen the error of my ways routine. Is forgiveness part of the culture or is it strict one strike your out?

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